Sterno's History of The Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer

: Secrets of the SubGenius #324-9.BHAPLS
:
: Origins of the Bleeding
: Head of Arnold Palmer

:
: Way back in 1979, shortly after Nick West (now Nick Modern) of
: SLUGGO! magazine, pointed me in "Bob"'s direction, Janor Hypercleets,
: Snavely Eklund, Drelloid Mutant (R.I.P.) and myself undertook to form
: a musical combo that would simultaneously praise Dobbs and perfect
: the, then quite primitive, SubGenius AUD/ELIM/ASSIM (Audience
: Elimination/Assimilation) Technique. Thusly, we sallied forth,
: infiltrated a local purveyor of the stringed and electronic devices
: which would allow us to torture the Terpsichorean Muse, dropped a
: Moonie-Butt-Load of cash and formed Doktors for "Bob", the grandpappy
: of all SubG Doktor Bands.
:
: As Snavely and myself had performed together in several bands
: prior to our knowledge of the Church of the SubGenius (most notably,
: the Shitty Beatles, the One Take Rhythm Killers, String of Felonies
: and the Buttplugz) we had each developed playing techniques that
: would later prove to be perfectly adaptable to AUD/ELIM/ASSIM. One of
: Snavely's favorite modes of anti-music relaxation involved an old
: upright acoustic piano and several crates of Mason jars. Snavely
: would tape a dozen or so contact microphones to the piano's strings,
: run the leads to a mixer, process the signal through a number of
: pre-INDUSTRIAL analog signal processors and jack the whole shebang
: into a ceiling-high stack of Marshall and Sun guitar amplifiers.
: After setting every knob on every amp to "10", Snavely would lob the
: Mason jars across the room and bust them against the piano's exposed
: strings, thus creating a Jehovah-wilting din that not only
: caused several visits by County Law, but actually depopulated the
: trailer park next door in less than two weeks of nightly "practice."
:
: One evening, at what I recall was Doktors for "Bob"'s third or
: fourth "practice," Snavely surprised us all with the announcement
: that he'd just spent his entire Income Tax refund on 48 new contact
: microphones, 18 cases of Mason jars and a new Marshall stack.
: Naturally we were excited about the possibilities inherent in
: incorporating this "old" piano-flogging technique into the "new"
: sounds we were Doktoring up in anticipation of the first World
: SubGenius Convention, which was to be held in Dallas, and which
: Doktors for "Bob" were to headline - - our very first gig). But that
: wasn't the end of that evening's surprises. Aparently Janor and
: Drelloid had spent the prior couple of days vandalizing a Baptist
: Church in southwest Little Rock that had been but recently built.
: Janor and Drelloid told how they'd ransacked the entire building -
: ripping out plumbing and wiring, spray-painting icons and generally
: jacking off in the face of THEIR lord - and how they'd busted every
: fucking stained glass window in the place. As evidence, they produced
: a canvas gunny sack full of shards of broken stained glass. Of
: course, Snavely was delighted and added this collection of
: blasphemous detritus to his cases of Mason jars.
:
: By this time, we were ready to begin our evening rehearsal and
: Snavely readied his glass stash as we all plugged in our various
: "instruments." As the evening progressed, the 'frop diminished, and
: the anti-musik demons were whipped into a frenzy, we dutifully noted
: how the pile of broken glass in front of the piano had grown so large
: that it almost reached the level of the keyboard. By this time we
: were all 'fropped and 'apped to the gills and Snavely, to his later
: regret, leaped onto the keyboards and, with his bare feet, tapped out
: a crescendo of such magnitude (while playing his sax at the sam time)
: that he became overwhelmed in his Dobbsian Ekstacy, lost his
: balance and fell into the pile of broken glass. Naturally Drelloid,
: Janor and myself all laughted out asses off until we noticed that
: Snavely was bleeding profusely from a huge gash in the bottom of his
: left foot. Our laughter was reduced to nervous snickering, Snavely
: was moaning and beating with ball peen hammers the large tin pot he
: had placed over his head, and Janor began searching for band-aids.
:
: THEN IT HAPPENED!
:
: For some reason, Janor's dad had had in his possession for many
: years a small plaster bust of Arnold Palmer, and for some reason,
: Janor had brought this bust to our practice session. Snavely saw the
: head poking out of Janor's knapsack and, recalling his Boy Scout
: training, grabbed the head and jammed it down on the foot gash in an
: attempt to staunch the quite ghastly flow of blood. After a while,
: coagulation commenced and Snavely no longer had to hold the head (now
: The Head) to his foot. He put the Head on the table. We looked at the
: Head. We looked at each other. WE KNEW WHAT TO DO. Hell, we'd just
: run the fuck outside and use Snavely's kid's catapult to launch that
: motherfucker out into the woods! Yeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww!
: Fuck yeah! BLEEDING HEAD OF ARNOLD PALMER LAUNCHERS SOCIETY. We're
: some god damn head-launchers now Uncle Spunk - we're gonna be
: LAUNCHIN' some golfer head NOW! If you think Trevino can play golf
: YOU CAN JUST BACK YOUR CART OFF OUR GOD DAMN GREEN!!! Fuck Sneed.
: It's fucking ARNOLD PALMER god damn it and we ain't afraid to say it
: to yer FACE. We'll kick yer muthafukkin ASSES if you think Doktors
: for "Bob" ain't the head-launchinest, butt-feltchinest,
: MOONIE-BUTT-SPLITTIN' rock 'n roll PARTY BAND on the face of this
: unkempt planet. God DAMN, boys and girls - - you think you seen
: ANYTHING YET?! YOU AIN'T SHIT!!!!!!! We'll meet you, your brother and
: whoever else is DUMB SHIT enough to join with you, behind of High
: School for a knives, Kaiser-blade, full-chainsaw NHEE GHEE DEATH
: MATCH INTERVIEW!!!! You're all ripe for a BUTT-SPLITTIN' and WE're
: the fucking band that'll do it. YEEEEEEEE
: YEEEEEEEHAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Fuck IT!!! We SQUIRT on BIBLES. We
: make sandwiches out of your Grandma's TITTIES! We spunk into 5,000
: vanilla milkshakes and SEND 'EM to the POPE!!!! WE'RE GOD DAMN
: DOKTORS, you stupid FUCKS. Come on! YOU AND ME, SHITBREATH!!! I'll
: KILL yer ASS, bwana! Holy fuckin' Schmedlap in a green hat, this is
: some VAGINAL BLOOD FARTING, ain't it! If your brains wuz in a
: hummingbird's head, it'd suck a mule's ass through morning glory!!!
: How 'bout THEM apples, Adam! Grop a GROOVE-GO in m'gland hole, m'man.
: Shit yeah. WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK DO WE????!!!!!!!!!! alt.slack, HELL!
: I'LL give you ALT.DICK-SHITTING! (oops, my daughter just walked in,
: gotta go make a grilled cheese sandwich)
:
: Love,
:
: Rev. Sternodox, Pope of ALL Arkansas, the SAVAGE MIND of the
: COUNTRY'S INTERIOR

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