I'm getting really tired of things and I don't mean that in
a bad way. What I mean is that there's a lot of really
interesting and cool things that are really starting to bore
me. I don't know why but they are, they really are.
I'm not talking about the environment and science and that
kind of stuff. That may be important, or something, but
it's not interesting. I'm not talking about politics or
issues or answers, either. Who isn't tired of that crap?
Like I heard that guy from Texas this morning running off at
the mouth about who's pulling the wagon and who's riding in
the wagon. (Yeah, yeah, I get the idea of what he's saying.
What he means, though, is that he wants to push the wagon
over a cliff.) It's kind of a stupid metaphor to use with
adults, when you think about it. Which of course nobody
does. It's not interesting and that's not what I'm talking
about anyway. I'm talking about things that are fun,
thrilling, exciting, and all that. I get really tired of
them sometimes.
OK, jump to the obvious topic: sex. In that category, Bob
has smiled on me recently. Actually, it's more like he's
got a big fat grin on his face. I've suddenly become very
lucky after a long dry spell, so to speak. Lately I've been
frequently getting the old lip lock on the old love muscle,
my very favorite pleasure. Lots of other things too, but no
need here for lurid details. The point is, it's sometimes
difficult for me to pay attention. I'm serious. It is
sometimes difficult to pay attention. I don't know why but
sometimes, right in the middle of things, so to speak, I
start thinking about fixing my car, or something else just
as stupid. Sometimes my mind wanders even during the best
part. I don't understand it but it happens.
Maybe boning gets boring because it always ends the same
way, if you know what I mean. Then again, a surprise is not
what you want, in the lurch. I guess boring isn't the right
word, now that I think about it. This is something that
happens just once in a while, not always. If boredom was
the problem then it would be more consistent, I would think.
On the other hand, it's not a case of losing concentration
every now and then. That makes it sound like I set a goal
and then strive to reach it. You know, like following a
plan or something. That's not exactly how I approach "the
act". Still, no matter how fun, new, unique, etc., after a
while it all starts to seem the same as everything else. I
lose interest and forget about what I'm doing. I can't help
it.
So then afterwards I'm disappointed and mad at myself. Like
I missed something really important. Like I wasn't
somewhere I should have been, only I was, but I wasn't,
except that I was. Like I was supposed to care about having
the greatest time of my life, only I didn't. How is it
possible to get distracted from something that everyone
everywhere spends almost all their time thinking about? I
don't know, but there it is.
It really worries me too, because it's just the tip of the
iceberg of all my experiences. Don't get the idea I'm
talking only about bed-time adventures. I'm tired of lots
of other things, just about everything that used to interest
me, actually. The old in and out is just the most obvious
thing not to lose interest in. If you can't keep your mind
on that then you can pretty much forget everything else as
far as focusing interest goes. That's especially true of
anything that requires any long range thinking or planning.
But never mind long range. I get tired of things like going
out and having a great time. I even get tired of
accomplishing things, which I do once in a while, believe it
or not. To tell the truth, I'm really fed up with my very
happy and fulfilling day to day life.
And I'll tell you what else. Just a short time ago I wasn't
this way. This is something new. I keep thinking about the
phrases "knowing yourself", or "finding yourself", or "being
yourself", or whatever. How can you hope to do any of those
things if you can be so different three months later? The
whole idea of knowing yourself is a bogus concept anyway,
invented probably by some money-grubbing psychologist. You
know, invent a need so you can sell a service. Perhaps at
one time I wanted to "know myself", but it was like trying
to hit a moving target. It can't be done, or at least it's
close to impossible. By the time I know anything, I'm
different. Besides, I lose interest.
It's hard to tell how unique this antipathy toward the good
life is. I bet it's not all that rare. It's hard to tell
because it's not a topic that makes an interesting
conversation. It's not something I would let anyone know
about myself. That goes especially for some special cases,
if you catch my meaning. Likewise, I wouldn't expect
someone else to tell me if they felt the same way. I bet a
lot of people do, but maybe not. Boring people always seem
interested in something and interesting people always seem
bored with everything. Maybe not always but frequently
anyway. In either case, it's hard to tell exactly what's
going on. Maybe people feel like I do, maybe they don't.
Who cares?
So I guess we're living in the most exciting time in the
history of man, huh? I suppose that's true. There's so
much more to offer these days than in the past, isn't there?
Now days, if you want to, you can be an astronaut, a doctor,
a jockey, and on and on. There are hundreds of fascinating
and thrilling things to be. There are hundreds of
fascinating and thrilling things to do, even without
learning any skills. If you don't like the people you're
with you just get up and go somewhere else and start talking
to someone else. You can buy just about anything you can
think of. There's no need for anyone to create anything.
It's all done for you. There are all different kinds of
beers and drugs and everything. There are more cool and
interesting and exciting things than ever's been available
in the entire history of mankind. But I just get tired of
it. I can't explain why. I don't understand why. I just
do.
L.L.
(And of course replies will be along the lines of "this is
boring." I Know, I know. That's exactly what I'm saying.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: It's the way I feel, Today
From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)
No, that wasn't boring at all. It was fascinating.
I know where you're coming from. I get to feeling the same way myself
once in a while. (Except for the sex part, which I won't get into
because there's too much pure stuff to organize into words...)
But I've always chalked my "boredom" (which isn't exactly the right word,
is it?) up to this low level depression that creeps up on me every so
often. You know, last year it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn't had a
good hearty belly laugh in like six months. Now I laugh every day --
good solid laughter. But now I have all these *other* problems. Like I
think I'm going crazy...
My picture of Hell has always been an eternity inside a small white
room with no windows. That's it. Just sit there for the rest of time and
stew in your own juices.
Yeah, so I don't think that you're situation is all that rare. But
that's the best I've ever seen it in words, let me tell you. That was a
great rant.
Oh, my point: Some people are more difficult to stimulate than others.
Your average Pink would be entertained by the same damn rerun on the
telivision 24 hours a day and nothing to eat but Meat Based Formula for
every meal.
But consider the good side of this, rather than the bad. I don't know
you, but if you can get distracted during a blowjob, and you can't figure
out why, but you try to figure it out anyhow, that says to me that you've
got more substance than the average schmuck.
Of course, maybe you've just got attention deficit disorder.
But anyhow, if you figure out a sure-fire way to break this boredom
thing, be sure to post it here. I need it for research. (Boredom is
often caused by a tilting of the Three Carriage Scale toward the old side.)
--
Rips on. Rev. Matthew A. Carey Rips off.
Vision Temple -- Tarzana, Calif.
"Words kill." Wilson/North '96 crunt
Original file name: The Way I Feel
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