Romancing the Latents

From: CmarkB <c-bee1@staff.uiuc.edu>

CmarkB wrote, somewhere else:

[secret correspondent] wrote:
>
> It's easy -- Non-believers are Pinks... Believers we don't like are
> Bobbies... only the folks we like are true Yeti. Same as it ever was.
>

Oh yeah? OH YEAH?? What IS this, some kind of CLIQUE? Well, if
that's all this "Bob" church IS, just a bunch of CLIQUES, well let me
tell ye, lads and lassies, I coulda jined up with some CLIQUES back in
HIGH SCHOOL!! I coulda joined the ELECTRONICS kids, er the HIP COOL
kids, hail, I coulda even joined the FOOTBALL TEAM!!!
but NO, I ran with a buncha MISFITS. And we had SHOES MADE'A CARDBOARD.
And we hadda WALK TEN MILES fer a BLOCK O' ICE. And we LIKED it!!!!!
And if some kid was BRAVE enough to COME STAND by us at RECESS, the BY
DOBBS HE WUZ IN!!!! I suppose you think that "Bob" made the deal just
to benefit some kinda giant CLIQUE, EH? EWrr, um. >kaff< Oh. Sorry. >kaff<

OK, ok, you're right, of course. I thought we were talking about
detecting Latent SubG's. Here at the bithplace of HAL, in the land of
the rising oriental grad student, actual Subgenii are nonexistent other
than my tiny clench, so we must continually search for Latents... As of
yet, I have been unable to inspire any of my radio listeners to pay up,
much to my shame, and the same with the other DJ's, as they are mostly
examples of that toughest of all nuts - a Latent with a cool gig and entourage.

Our current project is a cute pagan couple, but he works for a
lawyer, so I dunno.

But seriously, who's to say that even the most crawly, bristly Con
job out there isn't actually a Latent SubG in a bad marriage, a bad job,
and a bad haircut? This thread got me thinking of some factors to consider:

Are they employed in a creative industry? What kind of "doodles"
adorn the "walls" of their "cubicle"?

What does their bathroom smell like? Are there hairballs in the
corners? What is their approximate Mean Time Between bowl cleanings?

Any "projects" laying around the house half-finished? How many rooms
have been taken over so far? Have any of their housemates ever thrown
away parts of a "project" before its completion?

Any tattoos? Wierdly colored har? Disgusting piercings? Menacing
aura? Ass broomstick? Have they had themselves hobbled yet? And the
most important question; why?

Are they Popular? Do normals flock around them for other reasons
than as customers? If so, how long do they stay?

And what about their car? Sure, they may trade up every year, but
are the results Normal? Or do they drive a tricked out Corvair? An
immaculate Volkswagen Thing? A 1979 Newport with one hubcap and AM
radio only? And no antenna? Held together by BIG RED STRAPS??

So you see, in some cases there is a wealth of information, some of
it highly personal, to be ferreted out before consigning one to the
scrapheap of history. Why, that pink polyester pantsuit-wearing
spheroidal middle management corporate whore next door could turn out to
be the Church's next MILLION-DOLLLAR CONTRIBUTOR. If she wins the
lottery. And then reads the Pamphlet. And a piece of space junk falls
on her head right thereafter.

She was just born under a bad sign, see?

p.s. DISCLAIMER -- this psot was written under the influence of 31 1
1/2" long green olives stuffed with Feta cheese in some wierd grisly
kind of oil, 1/3 block of Havarti with dill, and a spruce beer. Hey, us
transplant victims can't have alcohol. Er, I think I better go take my
blood pressure pills now. Bye Mom. <trips>

Send $1: The SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214

From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>

Cliques are inevitable, but never forget that one man's Bobbie is another
man's Yeti, and that in this Church there's a clique for everyone! Even
MORE than one clique for everyone! Plus, every single SubGenius I have ever
met was succeptible to BRIBERY, so if there's a clique you really want to
join, but you're shy, just bring a gift and you're in! The results of last
year's Xday Campsite Awards revealed that SubGenii are most bribable by
Frop, Alcohol, and Coffee, in that order.

<snip>
> But seriously, who's to say that even the most crawly, bristly Con
> job out there isn't actually a Latent SubG in a bad marriage, a bad job,
> and a bad haircut? This thread got me thinking of some factors to
consider:
<snip>

This is SO true. It's my firm belief that ALL small children are SubGenii,
but they are glazed over with Pinkness over time. If the glazing process is
not impeded by an irritant within the shell, the result is the hardened,
dull-eyed Adult Pink. Of course, CRACKING the Pink Shell violently often
results in the death of the atrophied soul within, so I recommend that only
mild solvents and/or low-grade sanding methods be used.

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

>
> This is SO true. It's my firm belief that ALL small
> children are SubGenii, but they are glazed over with
> Pinkness over time. If the glazing process is not
> impeded by an irritant within the shell, the result
> is the hardened, dull-eyed Adult Pink. Of course,
> CRACKING the Pink Shell violently often results in
> the death of the atrophied soul within, so I recommend
> that only mild solvents and/or low-grade sanding
> methods be used.

Ah, one of the "unnatural vs. non-nutritious" arguments.

Is it because of Yeti DNA? Is it because we had plant
testosterones in our Wheaties(tm)? Were our mothers given
Ephemerol(tm) while we were still in the womb? Was it
the strontium-90 in our milk? The Retsyn in our Clorets?
The sexual revulsion? carmic radiation? Flouride?

What makes an abnormal?

No, I don't buy the argument that all small children are
inherently SubGenii. I believe that some are predestined
to become SubGenii by dark forces that are beyond the
barbie of moral man. Why? One reason:

Because we are better!

Because we were *destined* to send in our $30.

"Bob" knew ahead of time. Even before we were born.

And that is why he made us abnormal.

From: "St. Marc the Perpetually Amused" <disciple@templeoferis.org>

>
> "Bob" knew ahead of time. Even before we were born.
>
> And that is why he made us abnormal.

You are correct. This can be demonstrated by showing a Pink (merehume,
whatever you want to call them) an application for membership in the Church,
such as one of the Holy Pamphlets.

They may laugh. They may even say, "Hey, that's wild." (Although this may
indicate a hopelessly latent SubGenius. Most Pinks CAN'T read them, the same
way that most people can't actually read tax forms. They know the letters,
they know the words, but it's just meaningless gibberish. Their brains will
refuse to synthesize the known letters and words into meaningful
information.)

But they won't *get* it. They are biogenetically incapable of getting it. Of
understanding that it's a joke, ha ha, only SERIOUS! And they would never,
ever, no matter how drunk you got them, send in their $30. If you gave them
$30 (and why would you?) on the CONDITION that they send it in, they
wouldn't do it. They COULDN'T. They would ACTIVELY RESIST if you tried to do
it for them. If you did the whole thing in secret and gave them their
membership cards, they would TEAR THEM UP before they would let themselves
be entered in the Book of Life.

They will refuse to believe that this could be a serious church and that you
would consider yourself an actual ordained minister. The idea just won't
make sense to them. It's not that they won't *believe* it, or that they
think you are lying or tricking them. It just won't register in their minds.
It's like Mr. A. Square trying to comprehend the nature of a
three-dimensional object. It's not that they're stupid: some Pinks are
fairly intelligent. (Not that this has anything to do with the inherent
superiority of the SubGenius: birds of prey are a lot better at applied
differential geometry than I am, but that doesn't mean they're superior)
It's that their brains don't, won't, can't *work* that way. A SubGenius can
think like a Pink: it's not hard. We can anticipate their reaction to pretty
much any given situation. But they *can't* think like we do.

St. Marc the Perpetually Amused
Disciple of Eris
Holder of Some Titles
Most Powerful and Revered Being (without portfolio)
Redundant Head of the Department for Arbitration of Redundancy (without
portfolio,) Acting
All Mimsy Were the Borogroves

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Original file name: Romancing the Latents - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:33