Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales

From: revjim@strangegames.com (Reverend Jim)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Nov 6, 2001 12:38 PM

Why does it seem like so few SubGenii know the first thing about
Sales? I would think that's central to our religion, and to the
Unspoken Cause. Many have gained proficiency or even mastery in
Slack, Luck, Sex Magic, Time Control, or Hate; but who has been able
to tie them all together in the form of Sales? And without Sales, how
can there be Money?

My DNA tells me that these are especially important questions in these
times.

If we do not master Sales, will the Conspiracy not crush us with
Marketing?

Your Reverend Jim
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: SubGenius Spice <sgspice@safe-mail.netnoise>

all your questions will be answered here:

http://www.tvparty.com/soupy.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>

It's not that we don't know anything about Sales (in fact it's kind of
insulting of you to say that), it's that the kind of person who would want
to buy our products is the kind of person who despises marketing ploys,
advertisements (except ones with kitsch value), and hard sells. Traditional
marketing techniques don't work on SubGeniuses, and Pinks quite literally
don't have the proper glands to even understand what it is that we are
selling, let alone want to buy it. "What? Books about space aliens engaged
in an epic struggle for control of Earth with all humanity as pawns? You
mean like Battlefield Earth? No thanks, I'll just wait for the movie.
What? Membership in a group for non-joiners? Gee, I probably won't have
time, what with my raquetball club, my gym, my weekend
football/basketball/baseball barbeques... anyway, it sounds like there's
probably a lot of WEIRDOS there."

I don't know if it is possible, within the laws of spacetime as we know
them, for the SubGenius ever to achieve mass popularity. Of course Dr.
Dynasoar and others are hard at work on new brain technologies, but for now
it seems that there is no way to transform a Pink into a SubGenius, and
there are about ten thousand of them for every one of us. The best we can
hope for is mass AWARENESS -- pinks on the streets saying "What are you, one
of those SubGeniuses?" to freaks that they meet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>

"Salacia the Overseer" <opalpeacok@aol.com.de.it> wrote in message
news:20011106153626.02795.00003361@mb-fo.aol.com...

>
> That was an interesting question. How do the Hari Krishnas sell their
religion,
> or the Baptists, or the Moonies, or El Qaeda for that matter? Face to face
or
> word of mouth from friend to friend is the best.
> The Krishnas are weirdos and they did all right, probably because they
have
> conscripted themselves (got suckered) into religious servitude. That would
go
> for the moonies, too. The Mormons have to convert to become saints or
something
> like that. Most of them do it at a grass roots level.
>

Exactly! It's a catch-22. The Church COULD probably get rich and famous if
it changed everything around so that it had some kind of oppressive cult
tactics going down, but then it wouldn't be itself any more! Not to mention
there wouldn't be any Slack either!

> The Church of the SubGenius doesn't strong arm anyone to go out and sell
it. As
> long as the Church of the SubGenius continues its mission of preaching the
> all-redeeming state of grace that IS Slack, and providing that it doesn't
start
> to get too cliquish and repel more members than it keeps, it will attract
new
> members by having a good time. The Church of the SubGenius at its best can
be
> the red light district of the religious community, fun, orgasmic and
> profitable.
>
> You, Reverend Jim, are the answer to your own question. Slack off, be
happy and
> sell some "Bob" while you're having a good time.
>
It's true that most people become SubGeniuses because they had a friend who
was one and said it was cool. On the other hand, there are lots of people
who knew someone that wouldn't STOP talking about "Bob" in an annoying way,
so that they ended up hating the very mention of his name! I guess it's a
fine line that only those with the true Fonzi type nature can easily walk.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: opalpeacok@aol.com.de.it (Salacia the Overseer)

That was an interesting question. How do the Hari Krishnas sell their religion,
or the Baptists, or the Moonies, or El Qaeda for that matter? Face to face or
word of mouth from friend to friend is the best.
The Krishnas are weirdos and they did all right, probably because they have
conscripted themselves (got suckered) into religious servitude. That would go
for the moonies, too. The Mormons have to convert to become saints or something
like that. Most of them do it at a grass roots level.

The Church of the SubGenius doesn't strong arm anyone to go out and sell it. As
long as the Church of the SubGenius continues its mission of preaching the
all-redeeming state of grace that IS Slack, and providing that it doesn't start
to get too cliquish and repel more members than it keeps, it will attract new
members by having a good time. The Church of the SubGenius at its best can be
the red light district of the religious community, fun, orgasmic and
profitable.

You, Reverend Jim, are the answer to your own question. Slack off, be happy and
sell some "Bob" while you're having a good time.

Just make sure you use protection. Use a "Bob"dom. They're tentacled for
her/his/its pleasure.

Headmistress Salacia the Overseer
Branch Salacians
Director of Programming & Keeper of the Seven Squeals,
http://www.members.aol.com/opalpeacok/TheCompound.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: kieferwow@hotmail.com (bornSlippy)

I was glad to see this post because I spent my time thinking about
this very question while NotSleeping(tm) last night. Really, are there
any subGs that do Sales out there?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: opalpeacok@aol.com.de.it (Salacia the Overseer)

>>
>It's true that most people become SubGeniuses because they had a friend who
>was one and said it was cool. On the other hand, there are lots of people
>who knew someone that wouldn't STOP talking about "Bob" in an annoying way,
>so that they ended up hating the very mention of his name! I guess it's a
>fine line that only those with the true Fonzi type nature can easily walk.
>
OK. So there you've got your army of happy slackers selling the word of "Bob"
and practicing what they preach.

As a double whammy,
there is still room for the SubGenius Foundation to blatantly and shamelessly
promote itself like a horny Connie, using phreaky P.R. techniques like what
Phloid was talking about today. Provided it's slackful. Most phreaky P.R. when
it pans out is fun. Some people get lots of slack from it. The mass media,
although a corrupt arm of the conspiracy, can be an effective, fun and free
evangelical tool. Sometimes you have to fight fire with phire. I first saw the
"Tree of Life" by Stang/Mavrides in "Shred" magazine in a 7-11. My DNA was
instantly kickstarted like Connie's favorite double-decker vibrator and most of
the con's conditioning was purged. Sure, it took me a year and a half to
finally send in my $20, but I never forgot it, and I bought a "High Weirdness
By Mail" in the interim.

Triple Whammy!
That all happenedl before SubSite. Things are completely different now with the
internet and, hopefully, a SubGenius latent can stumble onto "Bob" after
following just a couple of links on his/her/it's favorite websites. Now that is
slackful sales. Whoooeee!

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: ren <ren@bookofshadows.org>

Our products sell themselves. I stand by this claim.

What human sack of water doesn't desire to control sex, time and
ejaculation?

Lust sells. Just look at Connie's cunning cunny. She markets without words.

Served up fresh, hot, steamy. You could even order a second slice and
not feel the guilt of the Catholic Church.

And then there is frop the mana of the divine. No viagraous masturbatory
campaign lauched from television or radio is required. Just insert it.
Just light it. Just sit back and relax.

Here at BobCo we have a desire to serve up THE NEXT BIG THING. It's not
really hype. It's not small pictured porno with a weblink leading to
nowhere. This is the real deal. This is slack fact.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: t3dy@aol.comingle (sned the bold)

>And without Sales, how
>can there be Money?
>

"everybody likes money
why do you think they call it money"
-danny devito in the new "heist" film

-Sned The Bold
www.geocities.com/snedthebold/
"if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice"
-Rush
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: revjim@strangegames.com (Reverend Jim)

Rev. Magdalen wrote
>
> It's not that we don't know anything about Sales (in fact it's kind of
> insulting of you to say that), it's that the kind of person who would want
> to buy our products is the kind of person who despises marketing ploys,
> advertisements (except ones with kitsch value), and hard sells. Traditional
> marketing techniques don't work on SubGeniuses, and Pinks quite literally
> don't have the proper glands to even understand what it is that we are
> selling, let alone want to buy it.

No insult meant, please! I must have expressed myself poorly: I did
_not_ say nor mean to imply that the SubGenius Foundation or the
SubGenius Church is lacking in Sales skills! Hell, they sold me,
didn't they? I meant only that your "average" paid-up SubGenius
minister seems to know next-to-nothing about Sales in theory or
practice. I wasn't even talking about selling SubGenius crap; I meant
selling any crap in general (disclaimer: I mean "crap" in the GOOD
sense here). If you reread my post, you'll see what I mean.

But what is this? In the same paragraph, indeed the very same
sentence, you point out that you are selling to a difficult market --
but who's talking about marketing? Marketing is evil. Marketing is
how the Conspiracy runs things. Conventional religion is
marketing-based religion. Marketing is what's destroying culture
around the world; that's why there's a Coke machine with Jar Jar Binks
on it in a tiny East Slovak village. Setting up markets is the true
motive behind wars, and mass media marketing is how the wars are sold.
(Disclaimer 2: I've known some great folks in marketing, which is the
problem -- the talents of great creative people are going to serve the
devil).

Did Dobbs concern himself with "markets"? Was not his promise that we
could sell the Pinks ANYTHING? Did he complain that Eskimos just
aren't the right market for ice, or did he go ahead and sell them that
ice? Can you imagine him selling only to SubGenii? Whatever happened
to "Their souls may be pink, but their money is green."?

A thousand years from now SubGenius historians will point to the MTV
commercial as a critical moment for the early Church, establishing
that this was a Church reaching out to all mutants, not an inbred club
with their little inside joke. I remember seeing that commercial
(example of bad marketing: I didn't think it was anything but a "joke
advertisement" with no actual product behind it -- and that's OK
because you're NOT TRYING TO MARKET), and though I didn't hear a thing
about the actual Church until years later it immediately flashed back
to me when I saw "Bob's" face in that bookstore.

BILL HICKS is what I would call a SubGenius who understood Sales.
Here's a man who despised marketing, told marketers to kill
themselves, felt they were sucking the Devil's giant scaly green cock.
Did he then sell only to those who agreed with him? Or did he grab
the collective consciousness by the balls and leave His Stain on it
forever? That was a holy man, and probably did more to entertain and
liberate mutants than the entire Church combined. You see, he didn't
"market himself" like the Pink gunning for a promotion; he _sold_
himself like the Whore of Babylon. And just look at the results: I
wouldn't be surprised if his work made even some humans spontaneously
sprout Yeti DNA.

I would never, ever suggest that this Church ought to push itself
aggressively like some OTHER religions. (I imagine that's how I might
have insulted you; it sounds like several misguided people *have* made
that suggestion). Who wants that? It seems to me there are three
paths a religion can take. One is to remain an in-joke or a circle
jerk, like Discordianism or Heaven's Gate, and eventually to
disappear. Another is to aggressively expand, but in so doing lose
every bit of Slack that you used to stand for (a certain religion
starting with a C leaps to mind). And the third is OUR WAY.

Think of it this way: if you look at the MARKET, there's no point in
trying. If all you see is a market of unmarketables and a club of
non-joiners, then indeed it's back to masturbating and writing one's
congressman. But if you look at the PRODUCT, you get a very different
picture. We're an end-times, Slack-encrusted, hyper-patriot,
hyper-fundamentalist, high tech, INSANE SEX RELIGION! What product
could possibly be more appropriate or better placed for this phase of
civilization's history? We have no excuse NOT to rule the world!

And what is the first rule of Sales? You must believe in the product.

So what is my suggestion? I don't have one; that's why my post is
"Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti". I'm still thinking. Indeed you are
quite right that it would be insulting if I did have suggestions; I'm
too far from the center of things. But it is in my opinion
potentially worthwhile to make these observations (which you may or
may not agree with) and reflect on what options they provide:

- There are an astonishing number of high-intelligence,
high-creativity, high-enlightenment mutants actively affiliated with
the Church.

- Even more astonishing is the creative energy that they unleash, even
though this energy is totally unguided and unfocused (as it should
be). This, in my opinion, is the proof that the Church WORKS.

- The primary service the Church seems to provide to its flock is that
of a toolkit. "Bob", the Church, the Internet presence, the
philosophy, the community, the art -- in a very real way these serve
as a Swiss Army Knife for the individual minister to cut through the
bullshit around him, like Batman with his utility belt.

- This appears to be the only workable approach to wage a Crusade for
Slack, since it is imperative that the Crusaders do _not_ band
together or organize.

- Unfortunately, one way that most Subs do _not_ seem to be well armed
is that their understanding of Sales and Sales techniques appears (to
one Yeti's observation) shockingly limited. _If_ this is true, and
_if_ that is an interesting fact, then does that fact have any
ramifications?

Your Reverend Jim
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: thereheis99@hotmail.com (Rev. Crawford)

Rev. Onan & I had been pondering this very same question just
recently. My suggestion was to use the Foundation to found a
"parallel church." This church would have nothing to do with "Bob,"
and would in no way be visibly connected to the Church of the
SubGenius. Instead, it would incorporate the most avaricious,
manipulative techniques from such notable cults as Scientology, the
Peoples Temple, Aum Supreme Truth, and Amway. This parallel church's
proceeds would then be used to fund SubGenius activities. Exploit the
insecurities of the Pinks to pay for our parties, "Bob"-dammit.

It would be easy. And fun.

Certainly, the theory on how to use religion to manipulate morons and
maximize money intake is all there in the history of the
aforementioned organizations. It'd just be a matter of latching on to
the most effective techniques while avoiding the major mistakes (i.e.
don't hand out the cyanide kool-aid until you're SURE their bank
accounts are empty). Other than that, it's just a matter of finding a
charismatic face-man (or woman) to lead the herd, and a few peppy
catch-phrases for the PR effort.

I've always beeen in favor of "resurrecting" the Cathar church for
this purpose. A while back when I was involved with the Wicca scene,
it occurred to me that a lot of the so-called Wiccans were
disillusioned, pissed-off ex-Catholics. A lot of them didn't seem
entirely comfortable with the trappings of Wicca, but seemed to stay
involved just out of spite. ("I'm going to the Beltane feast naked.
That'll get back for Father O'Blivion for cornholing me in the
cloakroom twenty years ago.") A neo-Cathar cult would be PERFECT for
all the disaffected Catholics out there - all the showy hibble-bibble
of the Popesters, free love, and a historical enmity with the Vatican.
Any complaints or persecution, and we could just start hollering
"Albegensien crusade!"

YFNR

Rev. Crawford
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: like.excess@sex.org

Rev. Crawford wrote:
>
> A neo-Cathar cult would be PERFECT for all the
> disaffected Catholics out there - all the showy
> hibble-bibble of the Popesters, free love, and
> a historical enmity with the Vatican. Any
> complaints or persecution, and we could just
> start hollering "Albegensien crusade!"
>

Seriously, if you want to get the Catholics good,
go after the Maryanists. They are for they most
part disaffected matriarchal pagans anyway, and
the Vatican has a love/hate thing with them.

They are more than aware that the Maryanist's
attempts to have Mary named an equal partner with
the trinity goes to the heart of their patriarchal
system, so they give them the short shrift.

--
*
"No one is safe." -- nu-monet
*
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>

"Reverend Jim" <revjim@strangegames.com> wrote in message
news:e028aced.0111070220.60971ba3@posting.google.com...

>
> No insult meant, please! I must have expressed myself poorly: I did
> _not_ say nor mean to imply that the SubGenius Foundation or the
> SubGenius Church is lacking in Sales skills! Hell, they sold me,
> didn't they? I meant only that your "average" paid-up SubGenius
> minister seems to know next-to-nothing about Sales in theory or
> practice. I wasn't even talking about selling SubGenius crap; I meant
> selling any crap in general (disclaimer: I mean "crap" in the GOOD
> sense here). If you reread my post, you'll see what I mean.

Well, I don't know. It's hard to tell from alt.slack what people do in
their Conspiracy jobs, but you're right that it doesn't seem like many of us
are in Sales. This is probably because to be in most sales forces you have
to project a wholesome, trustworty appearance, get inside the customer's
head, sympathize with his problems, and show him how your product, which you
really believe in, can help him solve his problems. Most SubGeniuses are
just not interested in doing any of that.

> A thousand years from now SubGenius historians will point to the MTV
> commercial as a critical moment for the early Church, establishing
> that this was a Church reaching out to all mutants, not an inbred club
> with their little inside joke.

Yes but there just aren't very many mutants. Five or six per high-school,
tops!

> I would never, ever suggest that this Church ought to push itself
> aggressively like some OTHER religions. (I imagine that's how I might
> have insulted you; it sounds like several misguided people *have* made
> that suggestion).

Aggressive pushing can be good, I mean we'd pretty much have to be
aggressive in order to be heard, it's the emotional blackmail thing that we
can't really do. We can't tell people, "If you don't join up with us, an
eternity of torment awaits you in a magical realm that you can't see or hear
or sense in any way, but we assure you, it's there!" Not with a straight
face anyway. All we can say is, "If you're ALREADY living a seeming
eternity of torment, this MIGHT be a way for you to get some Slack."

> Think of it this way: if you look at the MARKET, there's no point in
> trying. If all you see is a market of unmarketables and a club of
> non-joiners, then indeed it's back to masturbating and writing one's
> congressman. But if you look at the PRODUCT, you get a very different
> picture. We're an end-times, Slack-encrusted, hyper-patriot,
> hyper-fundamentalist, high tech, INSANE SEX RELIGION! What product
> could possibly be more appropriate or better placed for this phase of
> civilization's history? We have no excuse NOT to rule the world!
>

See, it SEEMS like everyone should want that, but really, 99.99% of all
people on Earth today just want food. If they are American, they want a
great-tasting, low fat food. Most people don't even think about the
religion they were born into, much less question it, it's just something one
does on Sunday in order to be "normal". They WANT to be normal.

> And what is the first rule of Sales? You must believe in the product.
>
> So what is my suggestion? I don't have one; that's why my post is
> "Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti". I'm still thinking. Indeed you are
> quite right that it would be insulting if I did have suggestions; I'm
> too far from the center of things.

Don't put yourself down like that, if you can think of a way to sell the
Church, by all means go out and do it! The Foundation certainly doesn't
have any money for advertising, so it's up to everyone to pitch in and sell
in their area to the people they meet. Stand on a soap box, pass out
home-made flyers to passersby, approach strangers in bars, try whatever you
can think of. If anything seems to work, pass it along to others. Just
don't scare people. Not much anyway.

> But it is in my opinion
> potentially worthwhile to make these observations (which you may or
> may not agree with) and reflect on what options they provide:
>
> - There are an astonishing number of high-intelligence,
> high-creativity, high-enlightenment mutants actively affiliated with
> the Church.
>
> - Even more astonishing is the creative energy that they unleash, even
> though this energy is totally unguided and unfocused (as it should
> be). This, in my opinion, is the proof that the Church WORKS.
>
> - The primary service the Church seems to provide to its flock is that
> of a toolkit. "Bob", the Church, the Internet presence, the
> philosophy, the community, the art -- in a very real way these serve
> as a Swiss Army Knife for the individual minister to cut through the
> bullshit around him, like Batman with his utility belt.

Well, technically, this logic falls prey to the post hoc ergo propter hoc
fallacy. These people may have already BEEN great before joining, and they
just joined up because they felt the Church was a proper setting for the
appreciation of their inherent greatness.

> - Unfortunately, one way that most Subs do _not_ seem to be well armed
> is that their understanding of Sales and Sales techniques appears (to
> one Yeti's observation) shockingly limited. _If_ this is true, and
> _if_ that is an interesting fact, then does that fact have any
> ramifications?
>

It takes about three days to even begin to explain what the hell it's all
about. For such a complicated product, what can you do? Maybe the Clenches
could buy some Books to lend out to prospective members. I think the
Clenches are the key to selling the Church to people, because no
advertisement can come close to explaining things the way a person can.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: revjim@strangegames.com (Reverend Jim)

"Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com> wrote in message news:<zNiG7.72260$pb4.38207969@news2.rdc2.tx.home.com>...
>
> Well, I don't know. It's hard to tell from alt.slack what people do in
> their Conspiracy jobs, but you're right that it doesn't seem like many of us
> are in Sales. This is probably because to be in most sales forces you have
> to project a wholesome, trustworty appearance, get inside the customer's
> head, sympathize with his problems, and show him how your product, which you
> really believe in, can help him solve his problems. Most SubGeniuses are
> just not interested in doing any of that.

Ah, but the sales forces of most companies have as much to do with
Sales as America has to do with Democracy. Additionally, I think that
a surprising number of SubGeniuses *are* interested in doing what you
describe, and some are quite good at it. If I wasn't able to "project
a wholesome, trustworty appearance, get inside the customer's head,
sympathize with his problems", I wouldn't get away with a tenth of
what I do get away with.

My fear is that we're still talking at cross-purposes. I am NOT
talking about selling the Church! I'm not talking about missionary
work in any sense! I've been trying to address the question of Sales
in its highest form, which is nothing other than the ability to make a
person agree to ANYTHING.

A Master Salesman can talk his way out of any situation. He can
appear to be whatever kind of person he wants to appear as, like a
shapeshifter (the Masks of Insanity). He can push any idea, any
product, any concept... INCLUDING the Church. He can get away with
anything, and instead of complaining the people left in his wake will
feel somehow fulfilled, as though they'd just participated in some
grand adventure. He doesn't need to "aggressively push"; to the
contrary, his customers will be aggressively pushing him for more New
Product.

Marketing is also about making a person agree with anything, but it
works by dumbing a person down. Sales works by slacking them up.

In a case like this the relationship between minister and Church is
indeed many-faceted. As you point out the great members were great
before they even joined, but my assertion that the Church acts as a
toolkit is not a hic hoc hoac fallacy because I do feel, strongly,
that the interchange of ideas and entertainment that goes on here does
a lot to increase that Greatness.

I definitely want to help and plan to help. As I see it, I've spent
$31.00 directly on this Church plus another $40.00 for the two books,
and donated one silly Mac game, which is next to nothing compared to
how much entertainment and information I've basically freeloaded off
of you folks for almost a decade now (the Hours of Slack alone come to
a huge amount). But as a dollar is now more expensive than it used to
be, the easiest way to help is through service. So I'm poking around
a bit now, trying to get a better sense of the intellectual landscape
to see where my rather peculiar skills could be helpful. When I've
come up with something, people will know.

> Yes but there just aren't very many mutants. Five or six per high-school,
> tops!

More sprout up in their later years. I'd say as high as 3% of the
adult population is a potential SubGenius, and as many as 10% could be
enlightened with the proper care and training. But then I'm generous
that way.

> See, it SEEMS like everyone should want that, but really, 99.99% of all
> people on Earth today just want food. If they are American, they want a
> great-tasting, low fat food. Most people don't even think about the
> religion they were born into, much less question it, it's just something one
> does on Sunday in order to be "normal". They WANT to be normal.

Ah, but what you've really told me is that 99.99% of people *don't
know* what they *really want*. And THAT is the inner secret of Sales.
Marketing involves making people think they want something. Sales
involves showing a person what they really want (the paradox is, that
this is true even if it's the same product in both cases -- thus
selling ice to the Eskimos). A person who discovers what they really
want because of you will do just about ANYTHING for you. And
rightfully so: there are few nicer things you can do for (to) a person
than that. They truly will pay to know what they really think!

> Don't put yourself down like that, if you can think of a way to sell the
> Church, by all means go out and do it! The Foundation certainly doesn't
> have any money for advertising, so it's up to everyone to pitch in and sell
> in their area to the people they meet. Stand on a soap box, pass out
> home-made flyers to passersby, approach strangers in bars, try whatever you
> can think of. If anything seems to work, pass it along to others. Just
> don't scare people. Not much anyway.

Eek! You don't really want me to do those things, I hope. Misguided
anyway. What you have ably proven is that the SubGenius Religion per
se is *not* a profitable enterprise, and even if it were then the only
way to push it is through old-fashioned word of mouth. Quite correct!
But there's another avenue: the SubGenius Religion unleashes massive
creative energy, which could be formed into Product (which may not
even appear as "SubGenius" product, at first glance), which becomes
money. In fact I'm guessing that's what you do already. I wouldn't
be surprised at all to learn that you make more money selling things
like T-shirts and coffee mugs and books than you do through Membership
Packs and donations.

And there you have an untapped resource. I suspect that your mutants
are incredibly eager to produce Shiny New Product with nothing but
name recognition or the occasional sexual favor in return. They
already do. But -- and I repeat I may be wrong or misguided here --
it seems like results of selling that Shiny New Product have been
pretty lackluster. And since the Product itself seems pretty
fantastic, I wonder if the problem lies in the sales channels being
Conspiracy dominated. And there I wonder if there I see a huge
opportunity; one that is realizable with relatively little investment
in time or effort.

(By the way, thank you very much for taking the time to argue with me
-- it's been clarifying a lot of what I've been thinking, which I
haven't been able to do well on my own).

Your Reverend Jim
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: opalpeacok@aol.com.de.it (Salacia the Overseer)

>> Yes but there just aren't very many mutants. Five or six per high-school,
>> tops!

Guesstimate 1,000 high schools in America times 5 mutants per equals 5,000
times $30 equals OH MY "Bob"!

Headmistress Salacia the Overseer
Branch Salacians
Director of Programming & Keeper of the Seven Squeals,
http://www.members.aol.com/opalpeacok/TheCompound.html
Pilgrims are scarier than Santa
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: thereheis99@hotmail.com (Rev. Crawford)

kieferwow@hotmail.com (bornSlippy) wrote in message news:<1830790a.0111061444.7ceaedb1@posting.google.com>...

> I was glad to see this post because I spent my time thinking about
> this very question while NotSleeping(tm) last night. Really, are there
> any subGs that do Sales out there?

Yes, but not by choice. In a recent company re-org, I found myself
stuck in the Sales Dept.

It blows.

Fortunately, I don't have to really do any selling. Unfortunately,
one of the things I do have to do is deal with the customers who are
pissed that the software doesn't do all the things the sales dorks
told 'em it would do in order to make the sale.

Nevertheless, as an awful example of cult salesmanship, check out the
Crime Library article on the Aum Supreme Truth cult at
http://www.crimelibrary.com/terrorists/aum/main.htm

For example, here's some of the stuff they hawked successfully:

Laying on of hands by Shoko Asahara - $350
Small portion of Asahara's "blood" - $7000
Asahara's bath water a/k/a "Miracle Pond" - $800/quart
Asahara's beard clippings - $375 per half-inch wad
Membership fee - $700
Spiritual training course - $2000
PSI headgear (small cloth cap w/ electrodes) - $7000/month (purchase
price $70,000)

I'm telling youse - we need to set up in Japan. Any society that can
consistently produce rubes willing to pay $800 for a quart of
bathwater would eat our stuff up at ten times the current price.

YFNR

Rev. Crawford
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <zNiG7.72260$pb4.38207969@news2.rdc2.tx.home.com>, Rev.
Magdalen <magdalen@home.com> wrote:

>
> Well, I don't know. It's hard to tell from alt.slack what people do in
> their Conspiracy jobs, but you're right that it doesn't seem like many of us
> are in Sales. This is probably because to be in most sales forces you have
> to project a wholesome, trustworty appearance, get inside the customer's
> head, sympathize with his problems, and show him how your product, which you
> really believe in, can help him solve his problems. Most SubGeniuses are
> just not interested in doing any of that.

Lucky for us, Dr. Philo Drummond was, like his mentor "Bob," a
SALESMAN. Likewise the good Lord God Junior, Prince of Peace, your
husband, my company's vice president, the honorable "sales carpenter"
Jesus.

>
>
> > A thousand years from now SubGenius historians will point to the MTV
> > commercial as a critical moment for the early Church, establishing
> > that this was a Church reaching out to all mutants, not an inbred club
> > with their little inside joke.
>

WHY NOT BOTH? Actually, MTV hardly played that thing at all. I think it
was that old Night Flight show that conned, er, I mean, convinced more
potential SubGenii that The Greatest Joke Ever Told had been born. Well
actually it was THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS being in actual stores in an
actual "humor section". That REALLY impressed some people.

The most CRITICAL example was when the 1980 Dallas clench of 2 mixed
our first tape with the mixed pre-existing tapes of the 4-person San
Francisco clench and used that to trick the 5-person Arkansas clench
into thinking that there were a lot more than 6 people involved at that
point. So by the time that the 2-person Bolivian clench got wind of it,
there were already 11 people... but on tape it sounded like THREE
THOUSAND! G. Gordon Gordon's volume ALONE then made it sound like TEN
thousand.

> Yes but there just aren't very many mutants. Five or six per high-school,
> tops!

Right, and most of those are Jokers, not Aces. Or Deuces like me.

>
> Aggressive pushing can be good, I mean we'd pretty much have to be
> aggressive in order to be heard, it's the emotional blackmail thing that we
> can't really do. We can't tell people, "If you don't join up with us, an
> eternity of torment awaits you in a magical realm that you can't see or hear
> or sense in any way, but we assure you, it's there!" Not with a straight
> face anyway. All we can say is, "If you're ALREADY living a seeming
> eternity of torment, this MIGHT be a way for you to get some Slack."

It's the STRAIGHT FACE part that's been our financial downfall. Many is
the time I've looked peevishly at a huge Scientology building and
thought, "HMMMPH... if only I coulda kept a STRAIGHT FACE." But... I am
sure I meet a much better quality of people this way. Even if they're
all as broke as me, god damn it. Or broker, that's the scariest part of
all.

And have you seen how much SHIT a SubGenius preacher gets if he DOES
maintain a straight face? Imagine how many times I've had to cross my
fingers and "EXPLAIN" to idiots about Papa Joe or Legume or Philo or
Janor or Dobbs because these fools TOOK THEIR WISDOM the wrong way.
Well, actually, YOU, Magdalen, know, because you work the office phones
too, just like I do. PRAISE JESUS that somebody as sweet as you is
answering that phone.

And you know how often eager drunks assail us with their million-dollar
"Bob" ideas that all the SubGeniuse hordes will want to buy. Then when
we point to the sales table and say, "Look, we already did that, now
you can buy one, only $5!" they say, "Oh, I meant the BOBBIES would buy
that shit, not the few TRUE SUBGENII like ME!"

>
> > Think of it this way: if you look at the MARKET, there's no point in
> > trying. If all you see is a market of unmarketables and a club of
> > non-joiners, then indeed it's back to masturbating and writing one's
> > congressman. But if you look at the PRODUCT, you get a very different
> > picture. We're an end-times, Slack-encrusted, hyper-patriot,
> > hyper-fundamentalist, high tech, INSANE SEX RELIGION! What product
> > could possibly be more appropriate or better placed for this phase of
> > civilization's history? We have no excuse NOT to rule the world!

That's what was thought over the years by young executives at Rolling
Stone, M-TV, AOl, etc.etc., but then came time to show the SubGenius
proposal to the boss. And that's where they get cold feet in each
office building, on down the line. can't say as I blame 'em. Coulda
told 'em from the git-go that this SubGenius stuff, in the form they
LIKE it in, does not sit well with the marketplace.

((Wouldn't ya know, right after I typed that, the phone rang and it was
the ACE guy wanting to come over with some Tim Leary recordings he has
rights to -- and damn if I didn't do a sales job on him and talk him
into doing a compilation album with techno weirdo music by ESO and the
various instrumental and psychedelic bands from SubGeniusland, having
each band or Dj do a mix using parts of this Leary material. But it was
a SHITTY sales job -- I couldn't figure out how any of us would get
paid since this would all be very small time. Where's that rich crazy
Hollywood agent lawyer asshole that "Bob" promised?))

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti: Sales
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <e028aced.0111080452.57151fba@posting.google.com>, Reverend
Jim <revjim@strangegames.com> wrote:

> But there's another avenue: the SubGenius Religion unleashes massive
> creative energy, which could be formed into Product (which may not
> even appear as "SubGenius" product, at first glance), which becomes
> money. In fact I'm guessing that's what you do already. I wouldn't
> be surprised at all to learn that you make more money selling things
> like T-shirts and coffee mugs and books than you do through Membership
> Packs and donations.

That's what everybody thinks. Not so. The Memberships are what keep us
going. The CONCEPT is apparently all they really need. If it was "High
Concept" we could have sold it to TV. Instead it's apparently
"TOO-High" Concept. That'll be "in" eventually; I just hope it becomes
"in" in time for me to still get in on it.

>
> And there you have an untapped resource. I suspect that your mutants
> are incredibly eager to produce Shiny New Product with nothing but
> name recognition or the occasional sexual favor in return. They
> already do. But -- and I repeat I may be wrong or misguided here --
> it seems like results of selling that Shiny New Product have been
> pretty lackluster. And since the Product itself seems pretty
> fantastic, I wonder if the problem lies in the sales channels being
> Conspiracy dominated. And there I wonder if there I see a huge
> opportunity; one that is realizable with relatively little investment
> in time or effort.
>

Yes? Yes? Don't keel over and die THERE, finish the story, what is the
SECRET damn it!?!! Don't die, old man, don't die now!!

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB

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Original file name: Dear SubGenius Answer Yeti- Sal - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:26