From: "St. Marc the Perpetually Amused" <email@example.com>
Date: Sat, Sep 29, 2001 6:40 PM
All right, you doubting Thomases and Thomasinas, listen up.
Recently, in a moment of unfettered sentiment - for
once, POSITIVE sentiment
- I said, meaning it, that from now on I would tithe from the money I get
from selling what Stang, with his usual disarming innocent charm and
naivete, called "Yeti Cock Rings." (They're actually bondage collars and
shackles and other lighthearted implements.)
In the scant few days since I made this public declaration,
1) I got a large check from the electric company - it's
been two years since
I put up my deposit, I've paid on time, and they have returned it unto me. I
forgot I even PAID a deposit. But bang, free money - with interest! Do you
know how long it's been since somebody paid interest to ME?
2) The DAY I SAID IT, the very DAY, I got orders for
SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS
worth of stuff. Which my partner, unbeknownst to me, and not KNOWING we had
any orders, had gone in on his day off and FASHIONED. All I had to do was
polish them up and put them in the mail. Also he gave me a refrigerator to
keep in my garage stocked with beer and pop and fresh heads or whatever it
is that a red-blooded American man keeps in his garage refrigerator. I plan
to keep the freezer full of ice, incidentally. I love ice. Our freezer never
seems to have room for any ice. But I digress.
3) One of the Pinks at work gave me some money to add
two sentences to her
will - which didn't really do anything, but which gave her the illusion of
control. This took me about five minutes. I charged her for a half-hour, the
least I will bill, and she was GLAD to pay it and was surprised it wasn't
4) I managed to pull a fast one on the schmuck of all
time who we sold part
of our company to, who has been nitpicking the deal NIGH UNTO DEATH, which
not only made him look bad, but will probably save our company (the part we
kept) thousands of dollars. And it was even an ETHICAL fast one. He, Mr.
Wheeler Dealer I Sell Companies to (name of large OS and software maker
removed for confidentiality reasons) More Often Than You Change Your
Underwear, didn't read the contract, and it was IN THERE in BLACK AND WHITE.
Let alone that until the minute it happened I would have bet "Bob"'s secret
bank account that he would NEVER pull the trigger on the deal.
5) Another champion schmuck who has owed my company
money for MONTHS
apparently finally got it into his head that yes, although I am polite and
nice and wear blue jeans to work, I am a REAL LAWYER and I will sue him
right into SMITHEREENS if he doesn't pay up, started to behave almost
rationally. I mean, he didn't get out the checkbook, but progress was made.
And those are just the BIG things. This shit really
works, I kid you not. I
mean, lots of bad stuff has happened too - BUT HARDLY ANY MORE THAN USUAL!
(The bloody head wound notwithstanding - when I go bald, it will probably
even provide an interesting scar.) Not NEARLY the amount I would normally
have to pay for all this good fortune! And it was SURE AS HELL worth the
paltry tithe I just moments ago transmitted directly to the Church!
Hooked on "Bob" really worked for ME! Give it a try, you'll be glad you did!
St. Marc the Perpetually Amused
Original file name: On Tithing and its Power over t - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:27
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