The Answer Is...

From: Dave White <>

Every so-called "religion" offers a unique path to Assouldom. It works
like this: the devotees are provided a belief system by which they can
reconnect to their soul, and reinterpret their beliefs and actions.
Sadly, this fails more often than not, for the ones who seek this out
tend to be Assouls.

Assoul -- etymology "A-", greek, without, lacking and "-soul", english,
the transcendental component of the mind, with an extra 's' for ellision
and homophony with "asshole", english, self-centered, self-absorbed creep.

Christian Assouls, for instance, choose a life of microwaved agape and
phony fellowship, committing and repenting the same sins, over and over
again, without the will or desire to understand WHY they sin, dragging
others into their "personal relationship" with that Jesus-voice in their

Scientologist Assouls get the Triple-D Trifecta -- "Dependent",
"Destitute", and "Delusional". Secular Assouls erroneously deduce the
behavior of individuals from statistically measurable characteristics of

The common theme here -- instead of reconnecting with That Which Cannot
Be Spoken Of Because It's The One Doing The Talking, Assouls ignore
their souls, and the souls of others, to reconnect themselves with Some
Voice In Their Head.

The SubGenius Assoul is a special case. The freedom to dissemble and
hide one's true nature from the unworthy, to fail, and to make excuses,
gets perverted into a polymorphic palimpset of posturing, fueled by
facile hate and self-pity.

The SubGenius Assoul is no longer capable of honest communication,
because their One True Soul is watching the Universe like a porno video,
wishing they had a remote control to fast-foward to the fuck scenes.
They expend huge effort to maintain an ever-changing facade of
superficially held opinions, not because they actually believe in
anything they are saying, but to make the Universe react to them, to let
them know they still "exist".

The single wisest statement in the Book Of The SubGenius is:

"If you're an ASSHOLE, a whining creep who HATES EVERYBODY yet DEMANDS

I gave a bit of MY BRAIN to "Bob". I GAVE UP feeling sorry for myself, I
GAVE UP sitting around, *hoping* things would get better. I GAVE IT UP.

I *got off my ass* and STARTED *LIVING*!

Even if "Bob" couldn't deliver on the Escape Saucers and Sex Goddesses,
*all* of the other seemingly absurd promises in Pamphlet #1 have *come
through* for me. I *have intercourse with a beautiful live girl*
whenever I want! I *'tenlike*! I cast *out* the False Prophets, yea, I

Did "Bob" help me? HELL NO! But he showed me those CRUCIAL FIRST STEPS
to take once I *got* off my ass and stopped feeling sorry for myself.




Subject: Re: The Answer Is...
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <>

In article <>, Dave White <>

a wonderful essay!

You have zeroed in on how the Church works best -- as a PEP TALK that
gives certain people that one little kick-start they needed to pull out
of whatever bog or bag they were in. From that point on, they have to
do it themselves. All Dobbs does is give your ass initial "helpful"
boot in the ass. That's usually the last that most people see (or feel)
of "Bob's" boot; after that, it's their own bootstraps they yank on.
When they aren't yanking off, that it.

Many lonesome weirdos think they are The Only One and that there's
something wrong with them, as compared to The Others. THE BOOK OF THE
SUBGENIUS and even the first pamphlet (and back in that day, it seems,
the clips from ARISE that some saw on Nightflight) makes it clear that,
yes, they probably ARE fucked up, but the important thing is that they
may well be MUCH LESS FUCKED UP than the normal people around them. (In
some cases this is simply untrue and the SubGenius in question is,
indeed, what even we would call "hopelessly fucked up. My observation
is that those are a minority.)

Over the 20 years that I've been observing "Solo Clenches," I have seen
a lot of people go through this pattern:
1. "Bob" (or book or show or whatnot) saves their ass from mental or
physical suicide.
2. They start seeing the Hints and synchronicities, and they get
TOTALLY, not to say "too," into it.
3. They go in a little deeper for awhile, maybe attending events,
meeting other Subs, checking out "accessories" like the Cds and videos
and other Subs' zines. But as time passes the initial thrust of the
Dobbs Dick loses its oomph, the intense sense of discovery thins out,
and the inevitable Mal Aligned Normals diluting the Slack starts to bum
them out.
4. About this time something usually happens in their lives that has
much more immediate bearing than The Church of the SubGenius -- they
get married, or find themselves in a decent career, or have kids, or
grow up and leave home... sometimes they simply get bored with it and
move on to the next ShorDurPerSav.
5. Years pass.
6. They return, all of a sudden, out of the blue, briefly report what's
happened to them, and then they fall into the more relaxed use of the
Church as an occasional walking cane of laffs and yuks rather than as a
full time crutch.
7. Then they disappear again, and no one knows where they go then. All
we know is that every single one "ends up on their heads" and "shuts up
like hell."

4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214

Subject: Re: The Answer Is...
From: (Salacia the Overseer)

>6. They return, all of a sudden, out of the blue, briefly report what's
>happened to them, and then they fall into the more relaxed use of the
>Church as an occasional walking cane of laffs and yuks rather than as a
>full time crutch.

Ooooooo. That's a harsh metaphor. How about a comfy butt cushion or lazy boy,
or funfur bean bag if they're not that emotionally crippled.

Headmistress Salacia the Overseer
Branch Salacians
Director of Programming & Keeper of the Seven Squeals,
All your al Queda are belong to U.S.

Subject: Re: The Answer Is...
From: nu-monet <>
Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:

> 7. Then they disappear again, and no one knows where they go then. All
> we know is that every single one "ends up on their heads" and "shuts up
> like hell."

But, then again, there are the plan "B" types:

1. Undercover agents, sent to discover what the Church is
"really" up to. *Mostly* interested in finding the "actual
location" of Dobbstown and who "deals" in 'Frop.
2. Discordians/Anarchists who want to "belong" to a group
that will give "structure" and "meaning" to their lives.
3. Ex-military/goverment types who know *way* too damn much.
4. Graduate Abnormal Psych majors desperate for a thesis.
5. High school kids with as much socialsexual tension as
a Freddy Krueger victim. (Not enough in my opinion.)
6. Dumb shits that materialize from invisible portals, harass
Rev. Stang, spam alt.slack, then disintigrate again.
7. Those that are never seen. Ever. By anyone.

"nu-monet is right. No one is safe."
Porno Myth #18. If you come across a guy and his
girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend
won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

Subject: Re: The Answer Is...
From: Kevan <>

On Tue, 27 Nov 2001 14:37:56 +0100, Dave White <> from

>Any questions?

How does it feel that you are such a fool to believe all that SubGenius crap?


Subject: Re: The Answer Is...
From: John Starrett <>

It could be worse. It could be Scientology.

John Starrett
"We have nothing to fear but the scary stuff."

Subject: Re: The Answer Is...
From: "The Not-Quite-Sane One" <>

And the Cool-Aid ain't gonna kill me.

Rev. St. Klyf "Not Max Cannon" the Not-Quite-Sane, ESB

"It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!"
--Ren Hoek

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