OUT-TAKES FROM REVELATION X -- THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON
GIVE `TIL IT HURTS
An Xmas Sermon by Fr. Joe Mama
We've all experienced the holiday season. And no doubt we've all been hit
up to donate money to a variety of causes. After all, it's the season of
peace, love and charity. But wait a minute. Something is wrong with this
picture. How can the Conspiracy, which sells Christmas as a means of profit,
cooperate with a church that claims it is more blessed to give than to receive?
Let me cite the old Conspiracy saying: "The business of business is
Do you really think the same Conspiracy that nailed Jesus to the Cross and
then bled Him dry for every red cent He was worth, gives two bits about
thy neighbor? HELL NO! They only care about you, and then only for the purpose
of making your life miserable!
You see, the Christians and the rest of the Conspiracy have an arrangement.
They're in bed together, screwing you! They made a marketing agreement
a long, long time ago that says, "the Christians can sell you heaven,
so long as the Conspiracy can sell you hell!" That's exactly what they
are doing, and that's exactly what you're buying! You're buying it fist
over fist with all your blood, sweat, and fears!
Take that donation you gave at the street corner the other day. Why'd you
do it? Was it because you cared about some poor little disease-ridden
foreigner? Hell no! You did it because you were SCARED! Frightened! Afraid
that there, but for the Grace of God, go you! That's right! You followed
the golden rule of greed: you did onto others as you would have them do
onto you. So it wasn't really an act of altruism at all. It was an act of
selfishness! You did it just to protect your own skin! So you're really
nothing more than a greedy little self-centered coward who tosses a few
coins to charity for insurance -- guilt insurance! Insurance that
tells you you're a "nice guy." HA! Who are you fooling? No one
but yourself. But now that we've removed the smiley-face mask and exposed
you as the slimy hypocrite you really are, let's get down to the REAL nitty
gritty, SHALL WE?
Okay, so you did it for greed. We've established that. But why do you think
the Conspiracy LET you do it? And what's in it for the Christians? Hmmm?
To understand that, we must first go back and examine the goals of the Tri-C
Alliance (the Christian Conspiracy Corporation). We're going way
back, to the days when there was separation of church and state conspiracies
-- before they evolved into one.
In the distant past, folks got Slack, and sex was the name of the game.
People were happy, doing what they did best and feeling good about it. But
that meant two things to the Tri-C: 1.) nobody went to church, and 2.) nobody
went to work. Little wonder the church and the Conspiracy incorporated to
bring hell on Earth -- otherwise they would both go out of business. And
remember what the business of business is...
So the New Order was established, and things were going to be different!
Oh, yes, there would still be heaven, but now you'd have to be DEAD to get
in! And just to make sure you didn't have too much of a good time in the
meantime (hence the name "mean time"), sex was re-engineered to
cause childbirth. Bet you didn't know that, did you? Sex used to be just
for fun, since SubGenius Yeti were immortal and didn't need children.
You hear it every Christmas when they describe theimmaculate
conception. It's a carry-over from the past. That's how everyone
used to have kids. Sex was never part of the process before. But by tying
sex and child birth together, the Tri-C thought they had created an effective
deterrent to Slack! After all, the more fun you had, i.e. sex, the more
responsibility you had, i.e. kids. And sooner or later, you'd have to stop
having fun and go earn a living to feed your starving family! And if your
job was one of the many Conspiracy-approved jobs, and measured anywhere
on the misery index, then it wouldn't be long before you were going back
to church, just to pray for a little bit of heaven in the future. And who
did you pray to?
Someone who was born the old fashioned way, without sex -- and they call
it a miracle! What's a miracle is that people bought it so
easily! Boy oh girl, did it work!
But then "Bob" invented birth control.
And this brings us right back to Christmas and giving until it hurts.
If you can have sex without kids, or Slack without responsibility, then
you should give your money to someone in a third world country that CAN'T!
Feed them, so they'll swarm and multiply. If the Conspiracy can't make you
miserable, it can spend your money on someone it can! And the churches
will provide all the guilt necessary to make you finance it. You never see
a church take up money for family planning now, do you? Why, no. That would
be counter-productive. It would eventually end starvation, retard diseases,
reduce suffering. And how would that help the church or the Conspiracy?
So, go ahead! Give until it hurts! `Cause believe you me, it will.
If not this generation, then the next.