Brag of the Blasphemer

From: MONTYKINS@news.delphi.com (MONTYKINS@DELPHI.COM)

(#1 in a series)

I fucked Jesus up the ass and made the Earth Mother lick me
clean! I got a hand job from Kali and came all over Buddha's
smiling face! I don't believe in atheists! When Zeus turned
into a swan to seduce me, *I* turned into a TWENTY-FOOT POLAR
BEAR and ATE HIM! I can make a taoist lose her patience and
Confucius has NO advice for me! I borrowed Thor's hammer to
POUND some NAILS! I saw Minerva JERKING OFF! I can outDRINK
Vainamoinen, outFUCK Jupiter, and outDESTROY Shiva! I was
thrown out of Valhalla - so I came back and BOUGHT IT! Satan's
tempted by ME! I WOULD be in harmony with the Universe, but I
make the UNIVERSE sing OUT OF KEY! I'm dumber than Dobbs,
cleverer than Coyote and tastier than SPAM! I PENETRATED THE
WALL OF ILLUSION and made it BEG FOR MORE! Zen means NOTHING to
me! I made the Gods of the Wind and the Air BLOW ME! I shave my
head and hang around in airports - FOR FUN! EVERY day is MY day
of rest! I'm an EVERY-day Adventist! When Heimdall blows his
horn, I'll call the COPS on the noisy sonofabitch! Bring ON
your Ragnarok! Bring ON your Armageddon! GIVE me your X-Day
RIGHT down my THROAT! I don't know a damn thing about
Zoroastrianism, but I MAKE FUN OF IT ANYWAY! The Holy Ghost
looks FORMLESS next to me! I say, "As above, so KILL ME!" "Do
not call up that which you cannot FUCK INTO SUBMISSION!"
Fertility idols go sterile and Gods of Death come BACK TO LIFE
when *I* walk into the room! I made Cerberus give me head -
THREE TIMES! Christ died for YOUR sins, but he CAME BACK TO
LIFE for MINE! When the Roll is called up yonder, I'll be on
the waiting list! I use manna from Heaven to FERTILIZE my LAWN!
I smoked "Bob's" pipe and didn't wipe off the stem! I put Jesus
candles on my BIRTHDAY CAKE! JEHOVAH PRAYS TO ME! ALLAH CAN'T
GET HIS CALLS RETURNED! I'm NOT kosher! The Great Serpent that
Circles the Earth looks TINY next to me! EVERYBODY DRINK
KOOL-ADE RIGHT NOW! ROCK-A-DILE RED! I can make Kibo EXplode,
IMplode and PHME!plode ALL at ONCE! I BURNED THE SPANISH
INQUISITION! I'm a HERETIC! I won't think for myself no matter
WHO tells me to! The Great Spirit of Brotherhood thinks I'm a
jerk! I'm more elitist than Apollo and dirtier than Pan!
Mohammed moved a mountain, so I dropped a CONTINENT on the
show-offy bastard! I've been to Nirvana - WHAT a DUMP! I didn't
like Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory - but I won a loud shirt at
Limbo! I make the Sun God Ra look NONE TOO BRIGHT! I've got
OSIRIS'S DICK! I've got MORE TENTACLES THAN CTHULHU! Don't you
fucking DARE to quote scripture at ME! I took the Holy Father
and gave Him ONE MORE HOLE! L. Ron Hubbard, Joseph Smith, Ivan
Stang, Paul the Apostle, Jim Jones, David Koresh - MY Ego can
WHUP 'EM ALL! I threw a pie in the face of the Fairy Queen and
blamed it on the Pope! I reform Protestants! I - -

[rant cut short by lightning strike]

-Monty
--
"I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: rwo@raptor.eng.ufl.edu (Video Jesus)

He who lighteth a pipe shall smoke it, but he who dippeth of 'Frop shall
snuff it. For mine is the Fist and thine is the Face and the Eye and the
Brow, for they are mine to smite and I shall give unto thee the Black Mark
and the Blue Mark so that thou wilt be as a sign unto the nations that I am
JHVH-1 and you are not. And when I said to my servant "Get down to Moab",
yea did he get down! For this is my Leg and thou shall not pull it.

Behold, I leapeth tall buildings with a single bound! For I am He who saveth thy
Screen and thou shalt send me Postcards and Thank-You Notes lest I grow angry
at thy wisdom and weary of thine Free Will. Then shall I not send my Stark Fist
to distract thee and make sport of thy files and thy disk shall be corrupt and
will be a sign unto the nations that my Fist is to be feared. Yea, shall
I confound your directories and thy links and thy FAT shall be in the fire and
thy CHKDSK and thy FSCK and thy 'OK TO TURN THE POWER OFF' messages shall avail
thee not and my Fist shall smite thy read/write heads. For am I not JHVH-1?

But let he who toils repent and slack off, for thy sloth pleases me and thy buzz
is joyful to my Ears. For did I not send PILS unto thy forefathers when they
were lost in the desert and do I not have a lease upon the very land itself that
thou standeth on?

Then know ye that I am HE who clocketh thou in and clocketh thou out.
I am He who bindeth thy shoelaces together and I am He who laugheth
as thou stumble and fall, for MINE is the essence of all Bulldada
and MINE is the Fist that flyeth by night and MINE is the playing field
and MINE is the ball and MINE is the rule book and MINE is the referee
and MINE is the entire ball of wax and MINE is the Uplink and the Downlink
and MINE are all the Satellites that lay between thou and the audience
and MINE is the bandwidth and I shall cancel thy postings and thy
theatre tickets and thy diner reservations, for MINE is the Master
Control Console and I shall hack that which is MINE.

I shall lead and thou shalt follow.
I am in charge and I shall make you miserable.
I shall take and you shalt give.
(for)
I am first
Thou art last.
I am big.
Thou art small.
(and)
I am good.
Thou art bad.
(fnord)
... am the ... and the ...
... seperate the ... from the ...
... join the ... to the ...
... my seven-fold spirit ...
... lead thee by the hand between the ... and the ...
... cause thee to spill ... before the multitude
... hold ... in my hand and crush it
............ over the abyss and drop it
... cast ... over the abyss and mock thee
............ before the multitude and mock thee
............. before the assembled ....
... give ... and take it back
... take ... and devour it
............ and return it unharmed
... smite .. with {flames/bolts of lighting} and it shall smoulder
... hide ... from thee and mock thee
... set .... up and knock it down again
... deliver ... to thine enemies and mock thee
... mock ......
... revile ....
... caste .....
... give thee over to ...
... for thou art an abomination and ...
... for i am just god and ...
... for i am a jealous god and ...
... for i hateth the toil junkie and the ...
{Behold!/Lo!} i {hold/give/take} thy {sphere of causality} in my hand
and i shall crush it
{know ye that} i am
{holy and thou art not}
{he who}{shall}give{thee/my servant}{dominion over/a vision of}{praire
squid/'Frop/Slack} and take it back.
i {am/shall seperate} the [First/Shit] {and/from} the [Last/Shinola] and...

i shall make thee {lie with the WOR/cast thy seed before the nations}, for ...
thou shalt be{my servant} and i shall be your {master}, for ...
and {i/it/they} shall be your....
Lo, what lyeth in the path of the {righteous/Slack}?
The ... and the ... cry out unto me sayeth the Lord.
Keep my ...
(fnord)
The nations shall revile thee, and thou shall be as the heathen eaters of
cheeses and fruits! (fnord)
(fnord)
.... for thou hast forsaken me, sayeth the Lord.
... shall be thy name and the nations shall mock thee unto the end of time
itself

....................TEAR.ALONG.THE.DOTTED.LINE.....................
Epopt of the Exploding Head of JFK. Lincesed to blaspheme the Gods
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside!
Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: clavis@phantom.com (Grand Clavister)

Video Jesus (rwo@raptor.eng.ufl.edu) wrote:

: Then know ye that I am HE who clocketh thou in and clocketh thou out.
: I am He who bindeth thy shoelaces together and I am He who laugheth
: as thou stumble and fall, for MINE is the essence of all Bulldada
: and MINE is the Fist that flyeth by night and MINE is the playing field
: and MINE is the ball and MINE is the rule book and MINE is the referee
: and MINE is the entire ball of wax and MINE is the Uplink and the Downlink

Yes, but, unfortunately for you, MINE are the keys to the locker room,
and the equipment cage and the dugout closet and the employees' bathroom
and the hidden SM room in the basement and the dog-track in the
sub-basement and the laser-turrt above the Diamondvision sign.

-Still waiting for last weeks' payment -

Clavis
(who hoards your keys when you lose them, you know)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: rwo@wasp.eng.ufl.edu (Plastic Jesus)


Lo! I shall mock a mocker ... and the first shall be last and the last
shall be first and I shall set the blasphemer at my right hand and send
the Godly to the end of the line to wait their turn. For whosoever sitteth
on my lap shall I give what they ask of me and they shall recieve for I
shall gather them unto my bosom and they shall tug at my beard and poke
at my paunch.

Behold, for I give you a sign. A young harlot shall concieve and unto ye
shall be born a Po' Bucker. And the Po' Bucker shall be as a plaque unto
the nations and a burden to the rulers of the world. Thus shall the the
harlot receive tribute from the Kings and the Princes and the Sons of Man
lest she conceive again. But, LO! For the Second Po' Bucker shall be
greater than the First and I shall give him dominion over the wise
men and their chariots and their wives and I shall give unto the Second
Po' Bucker a vile word to be his one and only word. Then shall there come
seven generations of Po' Buckers upon thee and they shall rebuke thee with
the vile word that is theirs. So shall the Third Po' Bucker be greater
than the Second and the First and so on as it is writ in the contract.

Let those who have wit think therein upon this, for the Seventh Po' Bucker
shall be the Great Po' Bucker and 911 shall be his Number. But whosoever
cries out unto me the Number shall then surely shall I sent the Angels
and the Archangels and the Dominions and the Exaltations and all the
Celestial Swat Team, for am I not a just God? Yea, shall I take care of
my own even though I sent them affliction by land and torment by sea.
Swift is mine anger and short is my memory, for all that I promise shall
arrive C.O.D. as it is written in the contract signed by your father's
fathers and so forth and so on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to document index

Original file name: Brag of the Blasphemer

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.