What does the SubGenius want from you?
Organization: Two Minute Hate, Everlasting
What does the SubGenius want from you?
The answer is simple. They want your MONEY. They want
all the money you
have. Once they have you hooked on their "scoffing"
(very expensive sexual
techniques sold through high-pressure, false promises
and manipulation),
they will expect you to empty your bank account and
cash in all your
investments to pay for it. They will expect you to sell
everything you own
and give the money to them. It doesn't matter if you
only partly own it,
like your drug supply. So long as you have any financial
control over its
disposal, they'll find a means of taking it. How can
they do this? By
brainwashing you into believing their "religion,"
which convinces you that
moral values are worthless compared to the "humour"
and so-called "slack"
That they alone can deliver.
But all the money you have is not enough for the "church"
of the
SubGenius. Even if you have given them everything you
have and have even
remortgaged your house they will still want more. They
will pressure and
manipulate you into taking out loans, and even arrrange
them for you. They
will teach you what lies to tell to obtain the loans,
and will accompany
you to make sure you don't back out of it. They will
pressure you into
borrowing to the maximum possible extent. They will
insist on going
through your finances in detail to find out everything
you earn and
everything you spend your money on. They will work out
how you could spend
less, such as fewer vacations and less spent on leisure
activities. They
will want to know the maximum you can afford to pay
a week in paying off
the loan they will pressure you into taking out. They
will arrange for you
to get the maximum loan you can possibly afford to repay,
and will take
all that money from you. They want it NOW of course,
not tomorrow or next
week. If they think you can borrow $100,000, they will
persuade you to
take out a bridging loan with your bank. Forgot the
bank's phone number?
No problem to the SubGenius, well trained in taking
every cent possible
from you through high pressure and psychological manipulation.
The
SubGenius will phone directory assistance and find out
the bank's number
for you. He or she will then call that number and put
the phone in your
hand while it is still ringing. He will watch you closely
as you talk to
the bank manager to arrange the bridging loan, and tell
you exactly what
lie to tell when the manager asks what you need the
money for.
But all the money you have and all the money you can
borrow is not enough
for the SubGenius. They will pry further, finding out
if you have any
trust funds set up for your children by their grandparents,
and whether
you have financial control over them. If so they will
arrange for you to
cash in those trust funds and give the money to them.
They will tell you
exactly what to say. They will find the phone number
of the firm keeping
the funds, then call that number and put the phone in
your hand while it
is still ringing, watching you closely as you talk to
them.
But all the money you have, all the money you can borrow,
and all your
children's money for their future is not enough for
the "church" of the
SubGenius. They will want to know how much your parents
will leave you
when they die. They will persuade you to talk to your
parents and persuade
them to hand over as much of that money as possible
now. Not next year,
not next month, but today. They will ask you for your
parents' phone
number, dial that number and put the phone in your hand.
They will be
scrutinizing you as you speak to make sure you say the
right things to
your parents to get the money from them. And if your
parents agree to give
you money they will want it immediately. They will work
out a way they can
get it transfered from your parents' account to your
account and then to
the SubGenius in less than an hour. They will have you
phone your parents
again if necessary to pressure them into agreement.
They say they don't
have a fax? Well what about them phoning up their bank
to tell them they
are coming, then taking a taxi there to sign a form
for an electronic
funds transfer to your account? Then they'll have you
contact your own
bank to find out when the transfer has cleared, and
then sign the forms
for the transfer of the money to the SubGenius's account.
The SubGenius WANTS YOUR MONEY. ALL OF IT. NOW. And
they'll use any and
every lie and trick there is to get it. And if you think
you'll ever get
anything of worth from them in exchange for giving all
you have, you are
an even bigger sucker than they take you for.
LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS CRIMINAL CON-GAME CULT AT THE
FOLLOWING WEBSITE:
www.subgenius.com.
--
Hamburger A. Death
++++++++++++++++++
Two Minute Hate, Everlasting.
From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>
Damn, some of these ideas are good. We've got to start using them!
The best thing about this cult is that we can steal
ideas from all the
other cults that do that stuff, but always deny it.
(I'm not the only one
with a fixation on the Sons of Elron...)
--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: hypebomb.NOTREAL@autonomous.org (Hamburger Anus
Death)
Subject: Re: What does the SubGenius want from you?
Date: 2 Nov 2000 10:51:50 +1100
X-Trace: 2 Nov 2000 10:51:50 +1100, 203.28.49.129
Yeah, ya can't trust them "joke" religions
one tiny little bit. before I
joined the Church I owned nothing; now i've got a huge
credit card debt,
and I still own nothing except a worthless Doktorate,
an Excuse that
doesn't seem to convince anyone in Authority * whenever
I get into
trouble, and a badly rendered picture of some strange
looking dude from a
1950s sales catalog. Please help me!
Actually I don't see why we don't sell slack-meters
(the S-METER).
For $5000.
* i.e. Connie
--
Hamburger A. Death
++++++++++++++++++
Two Minute Hate, Everlasting.
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: hellpopehueyx@my-deja.com
It is my considered opinion that aside from endless
and unspecified
temporal comforts which they generally have not earned,
the SubGenius
wants my sperm. We simply disagree on the method of
extraction.
HellPope Huey,
Oh, what a beautiful morning, ya jerks
"It is impossible to discourage the real writers-
they don't give a damn what you say,
they're going to write."
- Sinclair Lewis
The local gene pool sports only 4 types, all interrelated.
The wimmen
here squeeze Crest onto their diaphragms and brush with
Ortho-Gynol.
Kill me, please!
A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.
1100011GOTTHEHORNNOTTHEREED01111100110010NOTHIN'WRONGWITHHERAHUNNERDDOLL
ARSWON'TFIX1010101010110COMEONUPTOTHEHOUSE0110110011001011101101011NEVER
COULDSTANDTHATDOG001111000101BOB11010111010140306/7521411
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: "duke0uke" <jimcser@teleport.com>
>disposal, they'll find a means of taking it. How
can they do this? By
>brainwashing you into believing their "religion,"
which convinces you that
>moral values are worthless compared to the "humour"
and so-called "slack"
>That they alone can deliver.
You say that like it's a *bad* thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: prostata@bronze.coil.com (Rev. Prostata Cantata)
In article <slrn902g6u.3gb.hypebomb@systemx.autonomous.org>,
Hamburger Anus Death <hyper.b.orean@autonomous.org>
wrote:
>
>The SubGenius WANTS YOUR MONEY. ALL OF IT. NOW.
And they'll use any and
>every lie and trick there is to get it. And if you
think you'll ever get
>anything of worth from them in exchange for giving
all you have, you are
>an even bigger sucker than they take you for.
You're right you know. It's just too bad none
of the members
actually GIVE them all their money, or we'de probably
have more and bigger
parties. With the marketting that could be done with
even just
$1,000,000... I hate to think what it would be like.
The odd thing about "Bob" is that
once you let him into your
wallet you get back ten thousand times what he takes.
I know they tell you
that in the books and pamphlets, but it's TRUE. I found
the path to slack
and stopped working and now I make more money in a month
than I've ever
made in years of busting ass for conspiracy jobs.
Yeh sure, I spend time at my "office", but
that's mostly so it SEEMS like
I'm working if someone happens to call. People send
me tons of money to
spend the day reading newsgroups, drinking cappuchino
and listening to
MP3s and CDs and occasionally telling them something
on the phone what
makes me laugh out loud as soon as I hang up.
Then I come home to my lovely connieite sweetie and
I'm not even gonna
TELL YOU what happens NEXT 'cause the details would
melt your eyeballs and
make the CARNIVORE sniffers and the TEMPEST machines
burst into flame.
And all "Bob" has ever asked of me
is my $30. Yeh, I've bought
other church stuff, but that was all "found money".
Money I "Found" in my
wallet after "Bob" has had his grubby little
hands in it!
This month, "Bob" paid off all my credit
cards! Has JESUS CHRIST, or
VISHNU, or ZORASTER, or MO-HAMMED ever done that for
you? I seriously
doubt it! Dump those TIRED OLD religions and false
prophets and replace
them with something NEW and IMPROVED and LEMON FRESH!
PRAISE FUCKING "BOB"!!! I HAVE FOUND MY SLACK, AND IT IS GOOD!!
DAAAAAAAAMMMMMNNNNNN GOOD!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>
Please tell me how I too can get a job like this. Especially
the cappuchino
part.
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: prostata@bronze.coil.com (Rev. Prostata Cantata)
Strangely the story started 8 years ago getting really
drunk on cheap gin
'cause I was unemployed and feeling icky. It was a
bad scene.
Joy can verify that part, she was there.
The rest is all kind of a blur. Some stuff happened
and I dunno, I've
just been playing it by ear since then and just makin'
it up as I go
along.
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rabbi Shankar" <invalid@invalid.com>
news:slrn902g6u.3gb.hypebomb@systemx.autonomous.org...
> What does the SubGenius want from you?
>
> The answer is simple.
Shorter articles.
RS
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: Crypto-Anachronist <chaisr@hotmail.com>
Or, failing that, more spew.
For further information, consult the works of Orton
Nenslo, Sterno
Kekhaver, and K'Taden Legume.
--
TRUTH OR DARE.
Rev. Cryptic Alliance: csquared(at)the-any-key(dot)com
"When all the world recognizes good as good, this
in itself is evil."
--Tao Te Ching.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Original file name: What does the SubGenius want fr - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:34
This page was created using TextToHTML. TextToHTML is a free software for Macintosh and is (c) 1995,1996 by Kris Coppieters