Handy tips for freeing yourself from the constraints of
The following techniques have been tried and tested by experts, but they
are NOT guaranteed! A guarantee promises compensation if something
doesn't work, and these alienating behavior patterns ABSOLUTELY _WILL_
WORK every single time. If, after applying them, you have not become
the most despised person you know, YOU AREN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH! Use
these simple guidelines as a basis for your own campaign to eliminate
all close personal ties, and you will find the solitude you need tobegin the self-improvement campaign it will take to make _new_ friends.
Or just KILL YOURSELF to make everyone feel guilty!
To facilitate matters, and get a jump on the whole process, first try
this simple procedure: Get Drunk Every Day. Unbeknownst to them, drunks
not only look bad and smell bad, they think bad! The only people who
enjoy being around drunks are other drunks! Modern science had not yet
determined whether daily drinking actually destroys the personality or
people with lousy personalities naturally become drunks. What's certain
is that drunks have no real sense of being a part of the world, and this
puts them in a constant defensive posture which can cause great pain and
frustration for any non-drunk who befriends them!
Here, then, are the best and most successful approaches for ridding
oneself of friends, family and co-workers:
BE A KNOW-IT-ALL
There are many exciting ways to apply know-it-allism and make yourself
_very_ unpleasant to be around! Try researching one obscure byway of
knowledge and bring it into every conversation. When your friends admit
they don't know much about it, they provide you with a perfect
opportunity to enforce your position of superiority by mocking their
If you are among the lucky few with wide knowledge and good recall, take
every opportunity to educate everyone you know by delivering long
monologues on any topic they think they know something about; this works
best when they want to tell you about an intriguing fact they've learned
or an interesting book they've just finished. Not only do you get to be
an authority, but you deprive them of the pleasure of sharing something
they like, perhaps even making them wish they'd never heard of it at all!
The best way to be a know-it-all, though, is to treat everything you've
ever heard of, excepting your personal field of favorite topics, as "old
hat," lame and juvenile, lacking any redeeming quality for genuinely
knowledgeable people like yourself. Anything you don't already know all
about can be treated as if you it just doesn't matter! This leaves your
soon-to-be ex-friends without a leg to stand on unless they abandon
every field of knowledge not officially approved by you!
HAVE A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE
This one's easy! Just complain about everything all the time! Make
sure everyone knows how much you think life sucks! Since perfection is
unobtainable in this world there's always something wrong with
everything, giving you limitless opportunities to bitch about
anything, anytime, anywhere! Conversation lagging? Fill it in by
telling your latest unpleasant experience! The weather, the government,
other people, your job, your other friends (if any), all these and
millions of other topics are fair game for dissection! Ignore anything
that looks okay and seek out anything of which you don't approve!
It won't take long, believe me! Be careful, though, because some people
use complaining as a form of communication, and actually gain comfort
from sharing complaints! You can count them out by drowning them out;
which leads to our next technique!
DISREGARD THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS!
Let's face facts. YOU are the only person who really matters, and
everyone else has to conform to your standards. So talk about yourself
all the time. Start sentences with "I" as much as possible, and tell
everyone all about the many fascinating experiences you've had,
especially in regard to high-school drug use and any military service
you may have enjoyed! They're lucky to have a chance to be your friend
at all and if they don't like what you do let them go be somebody else's
friend. You've had it rough, been rejected all your life, and now you
get to judge, you get to accept or reject THEM. If they tell you how
they really feel about things without being careful to tailor every
phrase to your tastes, if they persist in having opinions of their own,
if they refuse to accept you as ultimate authority on the correct mode
of life, OUT THEY GO! So they feel bad, they'll get over it! That's
why YOU don't trust anyone, so YOU won't feel bad when they inevitably
reject you! BEAT THEM TO THE PUNCH and be sure to tell them exactly how
and why they have proved themselves unworthy of your esteem!
Strangers? Don't talk to me about STRANGERS! They aren't really
PEOPLE, they're just hollow instrumental beings, feelingless flesh
robots designed to do things YOU DON'T LIKE! Take every public
opportunity to put them in their place without actually provoking
violence! And if they obviously can't or won't fight back, POP 'EM ONE
and go brag to your friends about it! They'll be so repelled by your
apparent failure to evolve that they may terminate your friendship on the
BE UNBELIEVABLY FRAGILE
It's a delicate and refined art to be both utterly insensitive to others
and insanely hypersensitive about yourself, but it _can_ be done! Start
by interpreting any points of difference between you and your friends as
a criticism of _you_! Think of their lives as a critique of yours, and
the more you agree on, the more they approve of you! When you find you
disagree, immediately point out one of _their_ inadequacies to even the
score! If you've done well on the previous techniques, you'll find
plenty of chances to put this one to good use! Keep telling yourself
"There's _nothing_ wrong with me," while you interpret their
individuality as disapproval!
Go even further by giving vent to your emotional reactions to things
_you think they're implying_ by any statement they make! You don't have
to wait for criticism when you can create it out of expressions,
gestures, tones of voice, or many other undisprovable subjective
statements! If their explanation starts to look too much like you
really are mistaken, accuse them of having whatever motives you think
they are about to say _you_ have! It doesn't have to make sense as long
as you come out on top!
OR TRY THESE QUICK TIPS
Always demand their attention, never give them yours. Use those long
"dead periods" in the conversation, when the other person is talking, to
prepare the next portion of your monologue!
Tell the same few stories over and over in great detail. This works
best when drunk. Pick your favorites and stick with them, making them
longer each time!
_Never_ let others apply the same standards to you that you apply to
Be sure they know how silly they are to be upset when you destroy their
personal possessions through negligence!
Mock any display of sincerity, sensitivity or emotion you see, in your
friends or others, as weak or childish!
Evade any responsibility for your reactions by blaming whoever or
whatever inspired the reaction! It's their fault if they make you
Study up on psychological terminology to prove that things you don't
like are signs of mental illness. When your insensitivity drives your
friends to stand up for themselves, tell them they're psychotic!
Maintain a constant inner contradiction by wanting everything both ways;
demand respect while being a monster, blame others for your mistakes, be
as cruel as you can while keeping a mental image of yourself as a
Send friends a copy of this with everything you think applies to them
underlined in red!
Yes, millions of people use these valuable techniques every day, without
even thinking about it! If you're like them, and you've already lost
most of your friends, maybe you can find other ways of using this handy
guide. Any of these techniques can be used to gain friends, simply by
eliminating it permanently from your life! Sometimes just taking a good
look at ourselves and trying to see if we do any of these things we
REALLY HATE in others is all it takes to begin making ourselves better
people. We can't do that, though, until we realize that EVERYONE ELSE
IS JUST AS HUMAN, JUST AS SENSITIVE, JUST AS DESIROUS OF ATTENTION
AND RESPECT AS WE ARE.
(Thanks to all our excellent teachers.)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (NENSLO)
Subject: Re: PERSONAL FREEDOM NOW!
Nenslo whines: If I hadn't written that myself I'd take it as a personal
insult. It's like that song they used to have where this gal goes to see
this pop star and this song he sings is like her whole life story. By
the time you read this I'll be dead.
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286 This is a READER SUPPORTED ministry.
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