Hello America! From Master Control World Headquarters in Beautiful
Portland Oregon, this... is NENSLO.
Here in Beautiful Portland Oregon we are fortunate indeed to have
many beautiful and inspiring cemeteries. One is of particular interest to
me, NENSLO, because it occupies the side and crown of a hill to the east
of the city and from the top of the hill, surrounded by memorials to those
who have Gone Before, I have spent many a pensive moment gazing upon this
medium-sized city spread before me and trying to figure out some way that
I could KILL THEM ALL.
Of course, killing on an individual basis might provide a
temporary solution to some problems, but it causes so many more problems
in the long run than it solves. For one thing it just isn't as fun when
you are there IN PERSON. Oh, sure it looks so exciting, so titillating
when it's a flat little image on a TV screen, even if it's REAL killing
and not just movie fakery. It seems so sleazily glorious, it pokes and
prods at that nasty little center of the forbidden at the core of your
being when you read about it in a cheap paperback book and peer at tiny
grainy black-and-white pictures in a medical textbook. But when you are
really there in person, with genuine three-dee technicolor ripped-up
PEOPLE all around you, it's a whole nother thing entirely. No true-crime
book can EVER prepare you for THE SMELL.
No, it would have to be something tidy, I think as I sit by the
flagpole and listen to the rope smacking against it, Old Glory slapping
merrily above the honored dead as it has done over millions of other
shattered bodies through our nation's great history of economic
competition. A neutron device would only be putting off the inevitable,
since it kills EVERYTHING, and just LEAVES IT THERE, with no living
bacteria inside the cadavers to digest and liquefy, so they have to wait
for live cultures to be BLOWN IN, and then they will only decay very very
slowly from the OUTSIDE, and that could take months, maybe even a year for
something really big like an elephant. Instead of a few weeks of ungodly
mess followed eventually by nice white bones you'd end up with a huge
festering mass that lasts and lasts, probably drawing predators from
thousands of miles away.
Maybe something where they all get snatched up, like the rapture,
only for everybody all at once. Suddenly they're ALL JUST GONE. Yeah,
that's what I'd need. But then that's only one medium-sized city, and
Vancouver Washington is just across the river. I'd have to get rid of
them, too, and Seattle and San Francisco, and hell, the whole country.
The whole WORLD, I'd have to have EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD JUST
DISAPPEAR to be truly safe from having to experience somebody acting some
way I don't want them to act or doing something I don't want them to do or
expressing an idea or opinion different from what I KNOW TO BE TRUE.
That's really what it's about, since it's impossible to totally control
everyone and TOO MUCH EFFORT to try to control myself I just have to get
rid of EVERYONE. And animals, too, all those barking dogs, and the cat
that sprays on the patio door, and the predators, bears and cougars and
wolves would become a real threat without a continuous extermination
But then what about evolution? Eventually some other life form
might develop sufficient intelligence to build a civilization but not
enough to know not to, and it would be just the same. The same stupidity
and greed and victimization, and manipulation, all the same things that
are so sickening about our world. The Conspiracy would rise from the
grave in a brand new form and a new "Bob" would arise, be killed, revive,
be killed, and so on, eventually to fail as all saviors must fail. It
just isn't worth it The whole planet must go.
But what about Venus? If it happened here it can happen there.
Sure, the Space Brothers CLAIM they're from Venus but you and I know that
under the eternal clouds are no gleaming sci-fi cities full of blonde
crystal-hippies in silver spandex and transparent capes. We KNOW that in
the steaming swamps that cover our sister world huge dark, wormy beasts
raise dripping ropy tentacles to the dim grey sky and moan in a burbling
baritone, "I... want... my... M... T... V... " So the planets must go.
And the sun because sure as anything if you leave that thing floating
around out there long enough another wandering star is going to come by
and tug a string of matter out which will swirl and coalesce and turn into
another set of planets with just as much potential as the last.
All stars. All stars must go. All matter. If you even leave
ANYTHING, even hydrogen, it will start all over. The entire universe must
be destroyed, to save it from itself. Space must be collapsed in on
itself until it sucks itself away like a cartoon vacuum-cleaner. Ththwip!
And it's all gone, everything. Peace at last, forever.
But really, that's just a band-aid solution, a quick fix, too
little too late. It will never change what has gone before, all the
suffering, discomfort, humiliation and dissatisfaction I've already
experienced. It will never help me forget all the stupidity and
wretchedness I've had to witness every day of my life in this nightmare
torture-dimension, no, NOTHING can ever eradicate from my mind the HATE I
feel for those who WILL NOT OBEY, who think they have a RIGHT to act and
think and live and be the way they ARE, instead of the way I WANT THEM TO
BE. I must go back, back to the beginning and stop it before it starts so
none of this will ever have happened. No time, no space, no matter, no
energy, gravity, electromagnetism, force, motion, NOTHING.
NO BRAIN, NO PAIN (Dr. Agon, 1992).
And that is the TRUE solution:
The TRUE solution is the ONLY answer to all questions, the only
permanent solution to all difficulties. We must work together to stop it
before it starts. I need your help on this, friends, more than I've ever
needed you before. Hell, I NEVER HAVE needed you before except for your
MONEY, and so damn few of you SKINFLINTS AND CHEAPSKATES can be pried
apart from one measley DOLLAR it's just shocking and pitiful. But you
know who you are, and this won't cost you even ONE DAMN BUCK which you
would otherwise just SQUANDER without even knowing it but when you have an
opportunity to put it to REAL use all you can think of is "What do I get?
ME ME ME!" Well don't worry, this won't threaten your financial security
by asking you to part with something you don't even need and will just
throw away, no, all you have to do is THINK, and I know for some folks
that's much easier said than done, but not YOU, dear reader, no, not YOU,
thinking is something I know you're REAL GOOD AT, REAL REAL GOOD, it just
comes naturally to you doesn't it? You have a natural talent for it,
don't you? Great, so I need you to just THINK about some way we can GO
BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF TIME AND STOP IT BEFORE IT STARTS. I need you to
think of some way we can KEEP SPACE AND MATTER AND ENERGY FROM EVER HAVING
Why do I need you to help me on this? Because I'm stuck. I admit
it dear friend, I'm stuck. I can't think of a darn thing except these
hospital bills, the car payment, the mortgage, the new water heater, and I
can't get ONE PERSON TO SEND ME ONE DAMN DOLLAR OUT OF ALL THE THOUSANDS
THAT WILL HEAR AND READ THIS MESSAGE TODAY. I have run out of ideas and
I'm at the end of my rope, swinging back and forth in the breeze and
slowly strangling. This is going to be the worst Holiday Season I ever
had, I don't even have any money to buy a present for my wife, but DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THAT, because if we can just find an answer for this thing
NONE OF THAT WILL MATTER ANY MORE, ever again.
Just remember, The TRUE Solution. Think about it, and if you come up with anything, let me know.
This is NENSLO... GOOD LUCK!
The TRUE Solution Copyright 1993 by NENSLO, all rights reserved.
firstname.lastname@example.org Send One Dollar to Box 86582 Portland OR 97286 USA
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