What is this? RantOpus V - by LesLucid
What is all this? Good Bob almighty. I catch up on
everything, go to San Francisco for a week, and come back to
find alt.slack all filled up again. All right.
Of course the last thing you want to hear is a travelogue so
I won't subject you to that. It was fun, though, at least
the one free day that I had. It was hard to avoid both the
tourist type traps and the criminal type traps. Everything
in the city, just about, is one or the other. That or else
homeless people. I've never seen so many homeless in one
place in my life. Trying even to limit my hand-outs to
females was impossible. I would have gone broke quickly.
I spent a lot of time in Chinatown drinking beer with these
Chinese guys who were gamboling on some weird game in an
alley. When they laughed I just laughed along. My Chinese
is somewhat limited. They weren't exactly your stereotype
polite Orientals, either. These guys were a rude bunch of
bastards. Even so, I seemed to fit in with them. We had a
The bars weren't what I expected at all. I don't mean the
XXX-bullcrap, just the regular old dives. It was clearly
unwise to hit on anyone. I like to have at least a 50%
chance of not catching anything. I didn't want to even sit
next to any of these broads since my vaccinations may not be
up to date. Still, there were few dull moments.
The BART train was a nice ride. It only takes about five
minutes to cross the bay. Pretty impressive. The train was
really crowded when I rode it. I stood right in front of
two girls who were sitting on the floor. One of them kept
staring right at my tool. I'm not trying to say that it is
all that impressive but she just kept staring. I was
wearing some very worn thin jeans. She looked away every
once in a while but mostly she just stared, from only about
a foot away. I'd estimate that she and her friend were
about 15 or 16, judging from the excessive make-up and the
nice little developing hooters. Naturally I started
thinking impure thoughts and, of course, the inevitable
started happening. I thought about turning sideways but
that would have just made it more obvious. It was getting
In a few minutes I was at about a 30% level of erection. I
kept thinking that there was no way that she wouldn't
notice. Then again, it had developed slowly. It wasn't as
if she was looking at before and after pictures. There was
a definite difference but maybe she hadn't noticed the
gradual change. I was rapidly approaching 50% and things
were getting tight. A wicked thought suddenly occurred to
Once past 50%, roughly speaking, I can make Mr. Wiggley jump
by tightening up certain muscles. A noteworthy skill that
I'm sure many have. I started wondering what she would do
if I made him jump while she was staring. He was pressing
hard against my zipper by now and with one squeeze I could
make him pop out to the side. I wondered what she would do.
Just thinking about it made me surge past 50%.
I didn't do it. She was just too young. If she had been 18
or so there would have been no hesitation. I know Bob will
punish me for squandering this opportunity, but she was just
Speaking of Bob, I changed planes in Dallas. During the
two-hour wait I wandered into an airport bookstore and there
it was. Revelation X. I couldn't believe it. I actually
saw the actual book actually there in an actual bookstore
right in front of my actual face. It actually exists and I
actually bought it. I know how stupid that sounds but it
always sounded to me like it was something just made up on
alt.slack. It is actually real. You learn something every
day, or some days anyway.
That's not the best part. Of course I started reading it
right away. I read for far longer than my usual attention
span of 5-10 minutes. It was that good. And then what
happened you won't believe, but I swear it's true. I was
reading 'The Source of "Bob's" Luck,' p. 4, EXACTLY when a
call for volunteers to take a later flight came over the
loudspeaker. They had overbooked and the deal was a $200
ticket voucher in exchange for giving up a seat. My flight
was scheduled to go at 0220 but it was already 0300 and the
plane hadn't even arrived yet. The next flight was at 0513.
A moment's thought and it was obvious that there wasn't
going to be much difference between the two flights,
assuming the second one was on time. With luck it would be.
I jumped at the deal and it worked out perfectly. I got out
on the second flight less than an hour after the first one
left. The voucher is transferable; I can sell it easily for
$175. Not bad slacksmanship for a novice, don't you think?
All in all, it was a good trip but it's also good to be back
home. Time to fire up the old beef torpedo.
Subject: Re: What is this?
From: email@example.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
In article <firstname.lastname@example.org>, email@example.com (LesLucid)
> Speaking of Bob, I changed planes in Dallas. During the
> two-hour wait I wandered into an airport bookstore and there
> it was. Revelation X. I couldn't believe it. I actually
> saw the actual book actually there in an actual bookstore
> right in front of my actual face. It actually exists and I
> actually bought it. I know how stupid that sounds but it
> always sounded to me like it was something just made up on
> alt.slack. It is actually real. You learn something every
> day, or some days anyway.
YOU FOUND REVELATION X IN AN AIRPORT BOOKSTORE???!?!?!??
Jesus fucking christ. Maybe there's hope after all. Or maybe this is just
the beginning of the end, the very Harbinger.
> All in all, it was a good trip but it's also good to be back
> home. Time to fire up the old beef torpedo.
And some people don't believe in magic. SOME probably don't even have
"those certain muscles." And some WISH they didn't have them... sometimes.
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
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