Legume's Legionnaires

By jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)
Date: 30 Apr 1996

The Eastern Orthodox Church of the SubGenius, represented as it
is by the magazine called SO WHAT? has most recently published a review
of the Slack Crusades. In it the publishers accurately describe Stang as
unworthy of being called leader of the screaming hordes of fanatical
Bobbies which throng his public appearances. Stang and the rest of the
Church Heirarchy are described as being worn-out, their sermons called
ineffectual, and the general feeling of stagnation of the Church in it's
present form is wonderfully described in Post-post-post Anti-Modernist
prose, the likes of which haven't been seen since the Village Voice
started giving itself away. Therefore the Eastern Orthodox Church, based
in Tennessee I think, has declared the LAST SCHISM of the Church of the
SubGenius: LEGUME'S LEGIONNAIRES. This Final Schism before X-Day, which
recognizes Dr. K'taden Legume as Patriarch Legume the First, aknowledges
a tender subject amongst Heirarchites and Lowerarchites alike: the fact
that total and complete domination of the planet cannot be achieved
through Stang's weak anti-Conspiracy rants, valid though they might have
been at one time, when Launching the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer might
have been considered hateful enough to have been called Dobbs Approved.
Nowadays everybody and their brother is launching a Palmer Head, or a
Trevino Head at least, thinking nothing of it. Legume, however, has
brought the New Direction to the Church that has so sorrowfully needed a
New Director. The pure, unsullied hate of Legume's rants; nay, his very
LIFE, have more effect moment per moment in bringing the throngs of
Bombies to a fever-like hate pitch, than an entire box car full of Ivan
Stang's rants, which mostly sound as if he were concentrating on making a
buck off of it HIMSELF more than actually preaching the Full Slack
Gospel. Patriarch Legume I, it has been declared by the Eastern Orthodox
Church, is the last and best hope of a SubGenius Church that has grown
tired of petty infighting and a Heirarchy that could care less about the
flock which it serves. Therefore the Last and Best Schism of the Church
of the SubGenius rears its ugly head, for better or for worse, but
hopefully not for long. But don't kill me, I'm only the messenger!

KEEP IT UP,
Dr. Ginsu

"What is man, that "Bob" selleth to him at every moment?"
-William Blake

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