HueyBot 4: My Frostbitten Butt

Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 05:28:38 GMT

Christmas Day at about 4, the cherry tree dropped a mass of icy
branches onto my power line. Snap. For 2 weeks, I inhaled candle wax and
ate weird meals stored on the back porch because it was warmer in the
freezer. A winter event to match the ferocious heat of last summer
didn't exactly draw the family closer together, especially with the
laundry hamper oozing forth an increasingly heinous scent. However, at
least I didn't fall and bust my ass this time. I think we've earned a
moritorium on the phrase "sure hope we have a white Christmas this
year." Santa passed over, scoped it out and said "Sorry, you're on your
own!" For the next 4 years, I declare that any Arkansas citizen may
smack any other of sufficient firmity to handle the blow when they say
this dumb thing. Alright then.

It was good to take a break from the computer and realize...how BORED I
was without it. While I'd prefer to run the thing with solar panels if I
could manage it, I'm not about to go Luddite over the loss of contact
with the "natural world." Its nice, but its often polluted, crowded with
all of YOU and besides, it has bugs. Kate Bush states "as the people
here grow colder, I sit at my computer and spend my evenings with it
like a friend." It DOES accept input better than most people do and
while the crap quotient can be quite high, I also get a lot more back
FROM it than I do from my toaster. Net relationships exist in a parallel
un-reality. Its like playing bridge with kitchen mitts on. Still, its
more productive & satisfying than realizing that you've been watching a
guy wax his car on an infomercial for the last 20 minutes. How quickly I
became complacent about casual weekly, even daily chats with people on
both coasts.

One of the worst things about the storm is that a nice crew of guys in
a van, hailing from a Baptist church in South CarolINA, fer goddsakes,
rolled up with chainsaws and made short work of the reachable
tree-detritus in the yard afterwards. Thanks, ya'll; you give your more
puckerbutted and less charitable bretheren a virtual black eye. The
Bible says "Faith without works is meaningless." Well, the next time I
slip and badmouth Baptistdom entire, please remember to dance around,
point at this moment & say "But Huey, what about this right here?" I
hate it when facts force me to give up on even part of a long &
fondly-held bias. Some members of the Southern Baptist Conference are
still wearing their sphincters for sweat bands, but glory be, some
AREN'T.

Being locked inside with a steenky dog and a battery-powered TV was
unsavory. I'm sure BeelzePup hated being slid out onto the ice on a
double-length leash to take a squirt and then having to be reeled back
onto the porch like a half-drowned shipwreck survivor. Up North, the
snow is more powdery and behaves differently; it can be managed up to a
point. Here, its either a light dusting of snow or a mini-Ice-Age that
causes Jesus to be mentioned a LOT more often than usual. It was
disturbing to be in the dark for such a long time. No wonder Poe drank
laudanum.

Saint Stang once intoned that by the time you were about 30, you'd
usually seen, done or f***** it all and had to start creating your OWN
art or go truly mad. Its true for us arteest types, anyway. I missed my
tools, wheezing though they are. I hated that ice. I'm glad to see the
concrete again, and that's a neat trick to pull with me, since I worry
about the whole planet being paved, leading to a communal breath one
morning that uses up the last 4 oxygen molecules. I want Dick Cheney's
air as a reserve.

So, you say your dark night of the soul has lasted for 28 years? No, I
said your band sounds like your mother's butt LOOKS, as if two badgers
in heat were duking it out in too small a space. I know how they feel.
No wonder all the housebound cats & dogs in Minnesota are crazy. I
thought I was off the beam until I got iced in for a while and saw how
sane I was BEFORE. C'mon, sunshine!

HellPope Huey.,
The H.P. Lovecraft of Humorists
hellpopehuey@subgenius.com

"Great zombie Jesus, that's HUGE!"
- 'Futurama'

"..with a family, we feel affection.
We don't merely imitate affection."
- Roger Rosenblatt, "The Man In The Water"

There once was a HellPope mired in the South
whose teeth wore the scars of the storms from his mouth
Those who get twitchy when they feel such a breeze
Must surely write poems just as rotten as these
LOOK A BOT THAT CRAPS IN YER SHOE WHAT WONT THEY THINK OF
NEXT????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????

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Original file name: HueyBot 4 My Frostbitten Butt - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:32