It's True about Bob!!!

From: iDRMRSR <alex.i.thymia@depression.org>
Date: Tue, May 29, 2001 9:38 PM

OK, as a background to this piece, you have to realize that I sleep with
a hose up my nose. This is so I don't choke on my own blubber as I
sleep. The result is, with sufficient pressure (34 PSI highway), I
manage to finally sleep soundly. My Yeti Brain, thus freed from all
responsibility, can then take me to Eyelid Theater, and I can get in
some VERY heavy REMming. Either that or I am a schizo, which would be
like a real blow because I'm already depressive.

Well, last night, I SAW BOB! And it's absolutely true, he KILLS YOUR
ENEMIES WHILE YOU SLEEP! Or, if I'd have been asleep long enough. He
made a sufficiently good start to convince me, anyhow.

In the dream, I was walking down the streets where I work, when I came
upon a certain Boss Fellow who I despise. He's not even on my ten worst
list, just a minor ass pimple, but, there is no love between us, that's
for sure.

It was winter. He was walking alongside a rather well built, but
elderly man. The two seemed to be fairly recent acquaintances. There
was something striking about the companion. He looked as JR would look
at his actual age since birth! Not the youngish Bob of the clip art,
but an Elder Bob of the silver years.

There was no mistaking who he was because of the implement hanging from
his mouth. At first, I thought it was a small saxophone. It was made
of the kind of chintz metal you find in souvenir shoppes. Gold on the
outside, and the bowl of the implement was silver and crystalline,
rather like Fool's Gold. But, saxophone it was not.

It was naught but the GOLDEN PIPE OF DOBBS! Here was JR, at his present
age, escorting my ass pimple of a boss person, on a winter day (might as
well have been hell) in Cleveland.

I greeted them and exchanged small, forced pleasantries. Bob smiled,
and then, incredibly, the ass pimple boss person began to upchuck. He
doubled over and puked his guts out, while the Golden Pipe of Dobbs
glowed in the spare sunlight. Splattered and pizzafied an entire
Cleveland snowdrift.

It was at that moment that Dobbs himself spoke, saying, "Oh Gee, Mr.
So-and-So, I see that CHEMOTHERAPY can be QUITE an ordeal". Mr.
So-and-So nodded in agreement, mopped off the spew from his chin, and
proceeded to barf some more, this time mostly blood. With each of Bob's
polite and frequent re-assurances, the blood and chyme came up in
successive resonant waves.

I awoke to realize the truth of Dobbs. My enemy and Bob would walk in
another world until the party of the first part eventually expired. It
had to be that way.

The burden is off my shoulders. I need bear no more malice to Mr.
SOANDSO in person, because I know he is dying of cancer on a winter
street in Cleveland, or perhaps Dobbstown. All I did was pay my $30,
the enemy was identified, targeted, and killed...while I slept.

Those of you who are able to read my mind will testify, I AM NOT MAKING
THIS UP! Bob is real, and I have the DREAM RECORD to prove it. And he
serves his faithful, just as advertised.

Well, I'm here to testify to the Foundation that I will be the LAST
person to file for a triple your money back REFUND. Keep my $30 and
spend them wildly, for they will NOT have to be trebled. Not my
dollars, that is.

And now as I walk past Mr. SOANDSO in real life, and exchange forced
pleasantries with him, I know what fate has in store for him in
Dobbstown, and I can smirk inside with righteousness and free of any
guilt.
Or kill ME.

[*]
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The above is a completely unpaid, unsolicited testimonial to the Church
of the SubGenius. I dreamt it, I believe it, and that settles it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: It's True about Bob!!!
From: iDRMRSR <alex.i.thymia@depression.org>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, May 30, 2001 8:27 PM
Message-ID: <B60CE4C5F4F03AEB.191696E85D897BA3.AC201D714F3734EC@lp.airnews.net>

>>Either way you want to do it, you know you're awake and you know
"Bob"'s done
right by you.<<

Yeps, Reb, that's just how I felt. Not only that, but the ROAD to
salvation is so much shorter in this church. I've only been a paid
member maybe 2 years now, and already I've had the Big Kahuna take an
action in MY FAVOR. I don't have to read any tea leaves. I don't have
to look for shadows up side of water towers.

Bob put on the WHOLE SHOW just for me. And so there would be no
QUESTION he pulled out his best GOLDEN PIPE. The only other thing he
coulda done is autograph my fucking pillow case.

Beats the shit out of trying to discern the covenant from a few lines of
Aramaic written on a sheep's ass cover.

[*]
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Original file name: It's True about Bob!!! - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:32