The Huey Papers: Why I Don't Slaughter All Of You Except For Wei, Rocknar & SubGenius Spice

From: HellPope Huey X <radiopopeNOraSPAM@hotmail.com.invalid>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 22, 2000 7:28 PM
Message-ID: <25dbfa85.2446091b@usw-ex0107-055.remarq.com>

HellPope Huey is widely hailed as the true inventor of the fuel
cell, that rubber thingy that lets you open stubborn jars more
easily, Doctor Satori's Baby Knockout Drops For Overwhelmed
Parents, the suppressed 20-year-lifespan car tire, the
night-light-equipped truss and the full line of Doc Johnson
marital aids up to 1984. He began his broadcasting career
retroactively in 1963, building a name for himself via the time
machine he invented in the garage. It runs on Cheetohs.

Many claim he is a charlatan, but none have ever mustered the
expertise or the personal drive to prove him wrong. He is the
Dogbert of New Orleans, miraculously stirring up funding for any
one of a number of esoteric and sometimes suspect ventures, yet
projects such a confident and sunny air that the bucks just keep
on coming. Among his failed but fondly remembered credits are the
hover-trollies, (he kept the grant money) Uncle "Bob's" Latex
Halloween Wonderland and the Ice Cream Catapault. He furiously
knits obscene tea cozies in his spare time. They fetch top dollar
on eBay.

Huey was born to play the synthesizer and was heard to emit many
sounds associated with the instrument, even before it was
commonly available. Once he acquired one, the neighbors objected,
but they have all mysteriously disappeared. He is now surrounded
by the deaf, for whom he is an avid advocate. He is also
championed by the ASPCA due to his very effective sonic pet
sterilization program.

Huey is well-traveled in the worldly sense, but has had his
passport revoked after trying to dominate the curry market
through the rigging of a bogus lottery based in New Dehli,
selling forged Nazi memorabilia in Ecuador, necklaces of gilded
penguin feet in the Canary Islands, ersatz Coca-Cola in Vietnam
and "volcano insurance" along the Pacific Rim. He narrowly
escaped with his virginity after short-weighting a hash merchant
in the United Arab Emirate.

Huey has been a HellPope in the Church of the SubGenius, a faux
Moonie, a traveling Rosicrucian "fund-raiser", an Amway rep, a
used tire salesman, a cowboy, an astronaut, a policeman, a film
stand-in for Ronald Coleman, a REALLY mad scientist and the
manager of a traveling freak show that stunned the South for 12
years. (Remember the Devil Chicken?) He has nearly been mugged
countless times and seemingly attracts miscreants like flies to
peanut butter cups, yet has ALWAYS been rescued by meteorites
which appeared from nowhere and crushed the skulls of his
would-be robbers. He has appeared in 12 pornographic films, all
of them animated. He often sports a really nice, hand-stitched,
spangle-bedecked codpiece he made himself. It shoots little gas
pellets when he gets in a tight spot on the street.

Huey was the first known person to convert an ancient Chevrolet
(affectionately known as "Luby") over to the use of liquified
natural gas as a propellant. It cornered like a sumbitch. It was
a limited success, as the 12-foot flames that shot out the back
like the Batmobile led to numerous complaints of damaged paint
jobs and fried pets. Just prior to the implimentation of a
class-action suit for damages, Huey's prototype exploded.
Fortunately, he was hurled clear, landing in the middle of an
open-air pillow sale. Charges were dropped when the city
considered it to be a public service that the flaming wreckage
killed 4 mimes in the park. He is alive today after hitting on a
mob boss's girlfriend, only because he makes a downright mystical
etouffe. He owns a full "Iron Man" suit, just like in the Marvel
Comics, but he can't seem to get the left rocket boot to work
dependably, so he flies around in great loops a lot.

He regrets inventing China, calling it his greatest failure. "It
just got out of hand at the beginning and snowballed before I
could slam on the brakes. I'm really sorry." says Huey. His
personal magnetism is such that in his presence, strong men
flinch, women swoon and dogs try to dig holes in hardwood floors.
He gets away with so much because he created the chili dog, which
has made him a perennial favorite with the booboisie.

Part of his appeal on the Prince of Darkness Media Network
results from the large numbers of people who battle outside the
Bourbon Street Studios, half to remove him, half to keep him
there. The fights are broadcast overnight on Fox and bettors
generate amazing amounts of cash on the sidelines, trying to
settle which group will win out that night. His cut enables him
to continue his frightening takes on the entrepeneurial spirit.
He must always exit the building via the emergency magnet-train
chute, which opens at an undisclosed location in Lafayette.

There are none like him, which is good, as the world cannot be
reasonably expected to support two of his kind. You cannot look
away. Well, you can look away, but you'll have to keep the
camphor-soaked rag over your mouth, as the cachet lingers like
the memory of your first lousy lay. Where's my SPY camera, you
bastards, I KNOW one of you HAS it!

HellPope Huey,
Inventor of Dr. Satori's
Last-Ditch Baby Knockout Drops For Shattered Parents

"Hello from the gutters of New York City, which are filled with
dog manure, vomit, stale wine, urine and blood. But I am still
here like a spirit roaming the night. Thirsty, hungry, seldom
stopping to rest; anxious to please Sam."
- letter from David "Son of Sam" David Berkowitz,
to Jimmy Breslin, 1977
*************
"He's the only person I know who understands
the proper use of the semicolon."
- Jimmy Breslin, after receiving this letter

"Being a bastard isn't a lifestyle choice; its something you're
born with, like musical talent or an undescended testicle."
- Bill Maher

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