1. Puma Suckling 2. Dancing whilst fondling one's crotch 3. Unrepentant Urination 4. Wog Dalking 5. Guilt Toting 6. Penis Painting 7. Nixon Nonvoting 8. Buttfucking behemoth belly dancers while bare barfing on "Bob" 9. Krautwrestling 10. Bunsen Burning 11. Fish Flinging 12. Rapture Peddling 13. Wandering lost in the park 14. Pyrokinetic Marshmallow Toasting 15. Donning the Sacred Porksuit 16. Fucking your Dad with a tuning fork 17. Gyro Eating 18. Homo Hugging 19. Ho-Ho Hurtling 20. Phlogiston Pharting 21. Homosexuality (except for procreation) 22. Being a jungle gym gigolo 23. Stencil Slashing 24. Douche Gargling 25. Rabbit Rooting 26. Speaking in secret languages 27. Tongue Dragging 28. Piss Walloping 29. Bowel Plotting 30. Yeast Desertion 31. Crater Catering 32. Can Hoarding 33. Carpet Flying 34. Taking the Lord's Vein in Name 35. Pringle Piggybacking 36. Vagabond Singing 37. Toaster Towing 38. Chopping the heads off those noisy little fuckers 39. Electric Eel Eviscerating 40. Premarital Saxaphoning 41. Cock Curling 42. Viscera Dipping 43. Dirt Smooching 44. Pan Prancing 45. Sod Slapping 46. Tookie Tweaking 47. Mark Twaining 48. "Bob" Stomping 49. Grass Groping 50. Chainsaw Juggling 51. Lawn Chair Lounging 52. Optimo Dining 53. Fangle Twangling 54. Meadow Browsing 55. Shockwaving 56. Spud Laughing 57. Gene Splicing 58. Communicating with alien snack foods 59. Couch Piloting 60. Skull Farming 61. Whale Snarfling 62. Flexohallucinating 63. Tree Jumping 64. Fruit Whistling 65. Oriental Oogling 66. Spitting on the SacraMental Snubbits 67. Window Slopping 68. Boner Honing 69. Tribulation Howling

Apparently, it challenges the Conspiracy-implanted, sissy-ass false "man"hood of some guys to see any high class, haughty woman (which is how they see ALL women, even the most braindead doormats); they think, "I'm gonna rape that, or one just like it... doesn't matter if it's that one... all it has to have is the soft round things.... but I don't wanna fuck the soft round things, I want to hurt the soft round things."

IS THAT SICK OR WHAT??? They want to HURT the soft round things! To our minds, that is ten billion times more perverted than wanting the hard hairy gristly things instead, or not wanting soft round things at all, or wanting to have soft round things on oneself, or using only one set of the soft round things. It's even crazier than women thinking their soft round things aren't big enough, or are too big!

You can USE SEXHURT, combined with `FROP, to REGAIN CONNECTION to your YETI ROOTS, to RECALL your REINCARNALITY in MUTANTIS, and to fight the Conspiracy in ways they can't DETECT -- because it all happens inside your mutual HEADS.

You might never see a UFO, bend spoons, experience the White Light or have an "Out-of-Body Experience." You are even LESS likely to experience the TELEPATHIC/TELEKINETIC EXCHANGE OF PURE BIOELECTRIC "SELF" ENERGY... unless you SLOW DOWN and QUIT BEING DESPERATE OR "MACHO" ABOUT IT. And with our culture's constant bombardment of false "quickie-sex" concepts, that is NOT EASY.

Like Frankenstein's monster, our own creation -- the Pink -- continues to haunt us day and night, making us curse our own creativity! How many more times do we have to say we're sorry? We won't do it again, we promise. We'd be perfectly happy to carry out our so-called "Bright Man's Burden", and work against the odds to help these creatures attempt to approach our level of awareness. Ah, but that's not

Maybe it's just bad toilet training. Maybe it's been bad toilet training throughout history, making all these people so terribly uptight about everything. Whatever it is, the Conspiracy is still winning.

Even some potential SubGenii, turned sex-negative by hideous upbringings, view sex as a necessary but guilty Passive Evil. Often it's because they were raised in one of the old-fashioned, traditional fundamentalist cults -- but even after rejecting those, many just fall for some new-fangled, even more insidiously disguised form of fundamentalism.

As a result, They've got you unfucked, comin' and goin'.

A particularly lonely male can convince many others to help him cross vast plains of lava, all the way across the Bering Strait: "And GOD SAID TO ME, if we could but cross the barrier of the great wasteland, there are women on the other side who will do anything we want... naked, blind women yearning for men such as we, who have never felt a man with their hands. That is the vision I have seen. Since I have been exiled from the tribe anyway for wanting everybody to touch me "there," I will lead you! Let me teach you the Great Way; God gave me the Secret Map to the Land of the Women who will Touch You "There." Now, who will follow me?"

Sure, go ahead, masturbate to your own holiness, HIDE from everything REAL, study your documents, get into "God within" or Star Trek or some cure-all political party so that you're on a "higher plane" than the rest of us. The rest of us, lowly grunts that we are, will just have to SATISFY OURSELVES with this actual WORLD, with all this messy SEX and stuff. We guess all these MUNDANE LOWER-CHAKRA DISTRACTIONS make us LESS ALIVE than you lofty preachers, gurus, philosophers and political theorists.

SubGenii abandon all that self-serving armchair fanboy intellectual bullshit. We like to get out and DEAL with PEOPLE, whether they're SubGeniuses or merely pathetic Pinks we can hoodwink. Even Pinks are more interesting than EMPTY PHILOSOPHICAL BLATHER.

If you are androgynous or homosexual or whatever, then god damn it, BE androgynous or homosexual or whatever, but do it to the VERY HILT, TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT, not to the contents page of some Pinkly correct self-help book!

The men SHOULD occasionally go off by themselves to do "man things," i.e., "go to the lodge," where the guys sit around, smoke stinky cigars, talk about "pussy," play bad jazz, etc. The women SHOULD have their women's groups and so forth where they sit around, smoke stinky reefers, talk about "dick," play bad jazz, etc. This makes the men more MANLY and the women more WOMANLY. THEN, the men and women can more passionately indulge in the most important "lodge meeting," that is, doing the "man-and-woman things." This does not mean just sex, but talking and joking and everything else. The man and the woman should try to be as purely THEMSELVES as possible so that when the holy times of communion come, that NEW entity, the man-and-woman-COMBO, is made all the stronger and healthier.

There is a moment, a pristine moment of TRUE SQUIRT/OOZE, so infinitesimal that we don't even notice it, during which we "black out" at the height of pleasure -- and it is this moment that the GODS COVET. For it is They, the Elder Gods, who see through our eyes, feel through our genitals, get drunk off our intoxicants and read all our thoughts at once, as we would watch one TV show... and it is THEY who ROB US OF THE PEAKS OF THE OOZQUIRTS AT THE LAST SECOND. Yes, they ROB us.

If we could get those "peaks" back... instead of waiting until we die and become the oozsquirt... well, NOW do you begin to get an idea of the STAKES for which "Bob" wheels and deals? WHICH WILL IT BE?? ALL-OUT SQUIRT and OOZE FOREVER, or WORLD DESTRUCTION???

"For -- LO -- "Bob" said to FUCK IT. That's right, IT! The Big It! The big IT in the SKY, the great HOLE that is yet the Opposite-of-a-Hole... just because IT IS! And, by definition, just because It, the Big Hole, "is," it "ISN'T!" Not the way you're thinking of. No, indeed... you've got a lot to learn. A lot to learn, and very little time in which to learn it. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRAWLED DOWN THAT HOLE (or up it)? When was the last time you so much as PYROFLATULATED?? You're reading about it, and hearing SubGenius preachers talk about it on the radio, but you still aren't pyroflatulating, yourself! That's what we call the workings of a halfway mind -- a Halfway SubGenius, a silly "Gimme-Bob."

"Bob" said we have to "party." He SAID we had to INDULGE. He didn't say we could; he didn't say it was an option. We MUST. So, why aren't you? Why are you sitting on your BUTT, listening to THIS? GET OFF IT, AND LIVE EVERY MINUTE AS IF YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE FOREVER... BECAUSE OTHERWISE, IT'S ALL WASTED!"

-- Rev. Ivan Stang, Road Rant #113

For PEE DOG CAME to save the sinner. But we Americans forget. We put Pee Dog in our lives in every way except his rightful place, on the great Throne of Excremeditation -- before which we fall, and into which we throw, up into Heaven. If we can somehow use our very abhorrence of Pee Dog (and Poop Dog, Shit Tick, Vomit Ultrasaurus, Thermonuclear Weapon Mite and all the others) to in some way further our message, then their existences will be JUSTIFIED... and it comes FULL CIRCLE: THE CONSPIRACY EXISTS TO GIVE US THE ENERGY TO OPPOSE THEM. If there were no Conspiracy, Pee Dog would not have had to come! Pee Dog, Poop Dog, Drs. 4 "Bob" et al, are the EVOLUTIONARY RESULTS of the Conspiracy. It has ONLY ITSELF to blame. Praise Pee Dog. -- Sternodox

If you think there's anything inherently "bad" about a drunken sailor fucking an anonymous hooker while standing upright in a dark, smelly alley, then you are not going to get there. Conversely, if you think holding hands, blubbering sweet nothings, teasing like a couple of DUMB CHILDREN, is somehow "immature" or "codependent" or something, you are likewise FUCKED in all ways but one.

For "Bob" is the great Justifier, who shall free those about him from the Pink tyranny of morals and prohibitions. For lo, he is of the Slack, and Slack of the truest can be found when one lyeth down by its own, aglow from the ways of lust, and both lie together silent and deep, for deep is the silence of two together, those who have been one in flesh and are forever in spirit.

"And yea, even the banks shall topple, in the End Times, when these preachers of "Bob" Dobbs shall come, and it shall wash away the filth and the unclean seed with the NEW seed upon which the mobile homes of the SubGenii will float, and be carried on high, with their party equipment, their chainsaws, and scalpels, YEA, LO, those Drs. for Bob shall float over Mount Interfirst and achieve Slackdomness."

-- Prescriptures 18:95


"In Cologne, about 1325, the Brethren of the Free Spirit met in their luxurious secret chapel. There a live Christ celebrated mass, a naked preacher exhorted the brethren to return to primeval innocence, to strip, to love; for those who had become one with God there could be no sin, no church, no property. Love and the ecstatic experience was all. The church of the pope and the kingdoms of princes were evil. Take from them all that was needed, lie to them, for innocence and love were beyond crime as well as beyond sin. The celebrants responded to the preacher and loved hard, there and then. What better place than a church for copulation that was beyond sin?" -- from "The Hippies" by J.H. Plumb


Russia's greatest Tsar, Peter the Great, was a classic SubGenius whose Slacked-out homegrown "joke" religion presaged Dobbs'. When he was only eighteen, he and his rowdy pals formed "The All-Joking, All-Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters" as a gigantic satire on the Roman Catholic Church as well as the Russian Orthodox Patriarchy, which was aligned against all of Peter's reforms -- and as an excuse to party like madmen. They had a mock Prince-Pope, elaborate religious titles, and their own invented "kook Bible." They practiced a "Drunken Mass" and led scandalous processions through the streets that vulgarly satirized the orthodoxy. Their creed was "... that Bacchus be worshipped with strong and honorable drinking and receive his just dues." Their "services" were riotous displays of coarse buffoonery which offended foreign diplomats and most Russians. (Anybody else besides the Tsar himself would have had his head launched for this.) Everything about the Drunken Synod was almost identical to the Church of the SubGenius, except that they had to rely on vodka to get high. (Incidentally, one of the most enthralling books in the world is Robert K. Massie's Peter the Great (a Ballantine paperback).)


"In Hampshire, in 1649, William Franklin and his soul mate and bed companion Mary Gadbury found God within themselves, gave up work, lived in voluntary poverty, rejected sin, and encouraged their little flock of Ranters to revel in obscenity, promiscuity and drink. They were not alone -- little bands of these religious "hippies" buzzed like wasps' nests throughout Cromwell's England." -- from "The Hippies" by J.H. Plumb

Then, of course, there are The Merry Pranksters. Descriptions of their 1960s adventures in The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test sometimes read exactly like reports on Church of the SubGenius events of the `80s. (As opposed to `90s SubGenius events, which haven't been described even in science fiction.)


from Self-Reliant Men Monthly Newsletter



Beloved "Disciples of Awareness" about whom I carry no attachments, no caring whether you find the First and Final Freedom or if you fail yourself and do not find the First & Final Freedom! Fuck you all in love and respect and agreement under the terms of your privilege to be slave to TIME AND SEX PAINSTAINING!

HERE IT IS ((Arrow from here pointing to illo of sexy woman in shades))

Wet, Wild & Wonderful... as long as it gets plenty of soap and clean water, plenty of warmth and dry habitation, plenty of endless effort from you to preserve and protect and defend until death do you part and she ends up holding onto the bulk of the fortune of the U.S.A. The merry widow of her devoted and doting Time Slave.

There are wonderful times, Bros! Never have the SEX PAINSTAINERS had so much influence upon what takes place in all the secret places of Business, Government, Industry, Church, Education, Sports, Media Manipulation (pay no attention to the lunger staining her facade), Food Production, Communications, Military, Publishing, Transportation, Insurance, Home Construction, Entertainment, Politics, etc., etc.

We do love them, Bros! But we must temper our love with pure, unadulterated and impossible-to-satisfy lust! For only by seeing the Truth of why you really love her and why you knock yourself out trying to please her will you start to RELEASE!!!

She is a trap!
She is the bait and she is the trap which keeps us all bound to TIME!

She is heaven on earth with a helluva painstain
oozing out from between those great scissor legs.

Now, I realize that you are not going to learn and change your behavior until you FEEL THE TRUTH! So get out there and get all of those experiences with love and romance, and courtship, and marriage and infidelity, and wives getting fat and stuff like that there!

Get down and get in there and take a poke. While you're at it, take a poke for old J.C. Just imagine old Master J.C. porkin' the babe behind the Foster Grants over there. See your Saviour doin' the deed in your imagination with his time-toughened Painpole really working her up to a proper lather. Hey, it can happen!!!

And then try to feel things from her side of the "issue." God! Women are hot for sexpain too! Cause it makes `em feel good to weep when they see that moment of truth when some prick dumps her or steals from her, or goes up and fuck-dies on her leaving her alone to raise the little mudpuppies all by her lonesome.

That's her part of the painstain. It is put into her female psychorphany to love you, you dumbshits. Why else do you think they can go out there and expose themselves to all the "Top Gun" stupidity that makes up the male psychorphany? They cannot help themselves anymore than most of us can help ourselves, and that can only lead me to advise us all to develop an attitude adjustment. And what shall be a proper attitude for a normal functioning Soul Brother to his Soul Sisters? Why, let's look to our elders, Bros! Let's look to those who have gone before us and who have regained for themselves the first and final Freedom. Let us have for one another an INFINITE COMPASSION.

That's love, Bros!


from Self-Reliant Men Monthly Newsletter



Hey, Stud Puppets! It's not really that difficult to have intercourse with a live human female. I told you in the first newsletter that you needed to stock up on soap. Forget the guns, you greasy gun puppets! Forget about the 10,000 rounds of 9mm ammo, and forget about the forest retreat. Go back to the Bible for your hints. And God said, "Get Some!"

Soap. It lasts a long time. Just keep it cool and dry. Just like the head of your penis. Nothing feels as rich as clean. Have you all forgotten yourselves? You are preparing for APOCALYPSE NOW. But we want to live, not die of a bad memory. We want to thrive... not just survive.

You need a partner. You need a warm female body to snuggle up against when the woodburner forgets to put another log inside itself. And there should be lots of ladies to choose from, since you're the only guy in the valley who had enough foreplay sense to cache $200 worth of Camay & $500 worth of Tide. You've got the real power to `clean up'! Cause very shortly after the dust begins to settle down and takes residence in the cracks of your main squeeze's anatomy, she's gonna be out tradin' for something to make herself smell `purty'!

Easy to store. Harmless. Hurting no one. Innocent. Cleanliness is next to NOTHINGNESS! When you groove on soap in its infinite luxuriousness, you groove on comfort, and there ain't nothing closer to a lady's heart than smelling neutral. And it will help your libido too.

Some men and women have a real problem with B.O. Like your water supply, you don't think about it till it's cut off. And none of these so-called `professional survivalists' emphasize the importance of PREVENTION of disease. Take it from a plumber, you will get more flies with honey than with your 9mm gunny. "O, it's sooooo big!"

Barter and cache. Cache and barter. Get some! Get some soap! Lots and lots of soap. Don't be a dirty bum. Give your lay a break. Like your water supply, you don't think about soap or pussy `til it's cut off. Keep your tap open... and pour in the soap!!! Don't be a dirty dope.

And don't forget your mouth. Do you know that your mouth stinks even worse than her pussy and your asshole if you don't keep it clean? Keep your mouth clean. The best way to keep your mouth sweet and clean is to tell the Truth.

Now, this lying stuff has really gotten out of hand. In fact, lying is pandemic among the human feces species. I'm not talking about ordinary distortion of names, dates, who did what, the ordinary lying everyone does to get what he wants and to keep what he stole from someone else. I'm not talkin' about the BIG LIE of the phony political leadership of the world. I'm not talking about little white lies of the U.S. Government to the Nez Perce, the Apache, the Comanche, Delaware & Sioux. I'm talking about the PANDEMIC PSYCHOLOGY OF LYING. The weird science of humans telling other humans a lot of horseshit about human beings. I'm talking about people who love people and then turn around and blow their fucking heads off just because someone puts his lonely pipe organ in someone else's woman's poop shoot! I'm talking about this brotherhood, equal rights, love thy neighbor bullshit. I'm talking about people who talk about GOD and have never seen GOD. That's the bullshit I'm warning you all against. Everybody is a liar. Everyone is a thief stealing ideas from Holy Books that they don't even know how to read. This is what really stinks about the Human!

You all stink! You stink to High Heaven! And I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

Your life stinks! So, what to do when your life starts to stink? Get some soap and wash your lying mouths out. Go over to old Mom, and tell her it's damn well time she had her mouth washed out with soap like she done to you when you were a punk kid trying out the power of "Fuck you" on your big sister! She's a liar! Dad is a liar. The world is about to turn over 180 degrees, and Mom is worrying about those strange books you've been getting in the mail, and Pop is passing the plate down at the Church of the Solar Messenger; Holy Fucking Jesus Christ! They oughta all have their mouths washed out with soap, because it is their lies that have made you weak and afraid. Fuck `em if they can't take a poke!

I want Truth. I want it NOW. I don't want heaven. Heaven is nothing more than the same old earthling horseshit, only with you screwing your way around a bunch of finer astral bodies. Is this what you want? Is this Self-Reliance? Is this freedom? Heaven is bullshit and kissing some Master's feet. Fuck the Masters. Fuck Buddha! Fuck Jesus! They are nothing to us. We've got SOAP! We are neutral, pure, perfect, bodiless... Hence... we are sinless!

Do you want strength or not?

Haven't you dorks noticed that the liberated gals inevitably end up going steady with your idea of "stupid macho brutes," and always want to keep you "caring" men strictly as "FRIENDS?" Haven't you dorkettes noticed that the dynamic, resourceful guys inevitably end up going steady with your idea of "slutty bimbos," and want to keep you hard-headed, tough-as-nails women at arm's length, strictly as "business associates?" There's a REASON for that.



Rev-X OUTS Part 1
SILENT RADIO by Dr. Philo Drummond
GIVE 'TIL IT HURTS by Papa Joe Mama
THE 3 PROGRAMS by Nenslo
SLACK and TIME CONTROL (Interview with the OverMan)
APPENDIX (Zoogz Rift's Confession, Ivan Stang sermon)

Back to the ANSWERS Index
Back to the Master Map!