OUT-TAKES FROM REVELATION X -- THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON
Altogether, Easter Island represents the worst thing that can happen to
a civilization -- self-inflicted loss of culture, history, gene pool, ecology,
everything. (Sadly, it's not totally unlike what happened to the utopian
civilization of the Yeti of Mutantis.) It was like the perfect Religious
War Computer Simulation, an ant-farm into which world history cycles could
be compressed and observed. The Xists, or somebody, puts one tiny little
ant-Jesus down in there, and five years later the ant-farm box is full of
hundreds of teeny little ant-Jesus statues, and thousands
of DEAD ANTS... and maybe a few degenerate, retarded ants who don't even
know they're ants anymore.
The true SubGenius doesn't take ANY CRAP from the gods. It reserves the
right to spit in the face of its Maker if it so chooses. It may die for
it, but God won't be the one who sends King Slug. THE SUBGENIUS LIVES
You may be saying, gosh, these SubGeniuses aren't just irreverent, they're
ANTI- REVERENCE! But it isn't because we're godless atheists. Religion fills
the need for entertainment, and our pantheon simply has the
largest selection. We've got your gods, your demons, your goddesses
and saucer beings, you name it, "Bob's" got `em on the payroll.
Or at least he's placed bribes in the right places. And we offer countless
mundane gods and goddesses -- trash goddesses, sidewalk gods, tobacco demons,
Many insist that polytheism is not so much a literal belief in the existence
of these various gods, but rather a tool which uses character archetypes
to represent the various levels of our own consciousnesses. Fine, but if
you fancy it up and formalize it like that, it defeats the purpose... the
way a skeptic with cancer cannot benefit from faith healing. So we mustn't
over-intellectualize. If "Bob" says godlike aliens from
Planet X are going to change all human reality on July 5, 1998, that's EXACTLY
WHAT HE MEANS. We don't want to hear any more of these "metaphorical
interpretations" of Bob's LITERAL TEACHINGS. If you're gonna mess with
the gods, you can't just "believe" in them... you have to believe
the HELL out of them!
When you get right down to it, to `believe in God' at all is to grossly
insult Its intelligence... except in those rare cases of people so
brilliant and imaginative that they can actually grasp just how little
Religion shouldn't be based on what we "know" about "God,"
it should be based on what we don't know. And we don't know shit.That's the one true miracle. He who dares to guess how little he
knows is much further along the road than he who thinks God has left him
a thousand-page memo.
Some thoughts, friends... are CORNY. Corniness is the curse of the New Age.
One reason this Church makes such a good religion/drug/joke is that it's
so malleable. It's a fluid belief system. You can drink it... smoke
it... eat it, even excrete it. It adapts to any political climate and still
provides explanations for a ruined world that SOUND GOOD. And yet, it's
honest, because even Dobbs admits THAT'S ALL IT (necessarily)
IS: just something that sounds good. And it's good for business contacts,
too, like the Toastmasters.
Of course you could just stick with the only real religion,
the religion you were born with: SEX. That should be enough.
JUST SQUIRTING OR OOZING should provide more than ample "meaning"
to any healthy life-form -- even if you enjoy it alone!
Unfortunately, the Church can't always provide that one crucial element
to your life; you cannot "fuck" the Church. Not literally,
anyway. But the Church nevertheless offers a good jumping-off point for
the SECOND most important thing in your life, which is MEANING. It reassures
you that your version of Meaning is as valid as the next one, and that it's
perfectly okay if it's yours alone.
Are, therefore, the teachings of "Bob" nothing but a misguided,
overly complicated form of associative magic and wishful thinking?
NO! It's a GUIDED, perfectly complicated form of associative
magic and wishful thinking... and it WORKS. For it is based on true
magic, not coincidence... on true prophecy, not stupid inferences. And yet
-- by the Divine Dobbsian Paradox -- it's all still bluff, coincidence
and stupid inference.
Our death-terror is what gives some of these gods (and several species
of advanced space aliens) just the `boost' they need in the morning, so
to speak. It "gets `em going." "Rings their bell."
That's what wars are for, after all. The gods and demons -- who really ARE
out there, even if the preachers are WRONG about them -- keep religions
and political movements driving the great machinery of human history forward,
so they can "get high" on our tormented, squirming souls as they're
untimely cast adrift from our bodies by violence. The sense of righteousness
adds to the flavor of the endless battles... it gives them style.
Otherwise war would provide only the joy of killing, without that special
pride in "doing GOOD."
The Fundamentalist ideology is more ancient than the Constitution,
though, we'll grant `em that. Way more ancient... older than Jesus,
even. Older than Homo Erectus. The Elder Gods have been farming skulls for
a LOOOONG time now.
"Everything they wanted you to know they taught you in kindergarten.
Obey. Stay in line. Be quiet. Eat what and when we tell you. Don't touch
yourself or others. Pee when we tell you. Go to sleep." -- Reverend
Doktor Onan Canobite, The Conspiracy of Normals
The dumbest thing the Conspiracy ever did was to instill in us the IDEALS
of an America that never actually existed. They thought that would fool
us into thinking we were getting it -- but it only made us WANT it.
And don't waste time thinking your prayers and spells and rituals, and thinking,
will do ANYTHING. "Visualize World Peace" all you want. Only MONEY
will save you -- money sent to "BOB."
We aren't making fun of women or minorities or even white-boys -- we're
making fun of woman and minority and white-boy Pinks. And the stereotypes
DO apply, because Pinks are all walking stereotypes. And they come
in a surprisingly limited number of stereotypes, at that.
Let's step back and look at the situation rationally, throughOverMan Objectivist Theory. We know that a natural sequence of events
must have brought this human mess about. Applying economic terms to existence
itself, we can see society -- not just the Conspiracy, but all human and
SubGenius interaction -- as a huge operating system. You cannot control
this operating system; you are within it and can only ride the waves of
it. The best thing you can do is to be the most successful unit in the system
-- to create more philos of Slack for yourself, which improves the whole
system. You might as well try, because you're stuck in it anyway. And
troublemakers are sometimes the most valuable units of the system.
You can generate more philos by transfering your stangs of Pain to some
lower level within the system, one that is better adjusted to running on
them... such as the lesser orders of hominids, who expect nothing
but Pain anyway.
At least in America, it's still legal to quit most jobs. Consider
yourself LUCKY in that respect. But isn't it horrible, to think: "I
am a literate citizen of Western Civilization; I have at least access
tothe best there is." Look around you. Is THIS the
BEST, dear friend??? Is what you see around you, in those BRIEF MOMENTS
of LUCIDITY, REALLY what you waited your whole life for? It's not, is
it?? NAY NAY!!! You have GREATER AIMS!!! AIMS OF UNDERSTANDING THE
UNIVERSE, AND WHAT "BOB" REALLY IS!!!
When you "cast out the false prophets," you can only hope to cast
them out of YOUR life, not anybody else's; but in so doing, a few other
dupes MAY see your success and try it for themselves!
We aren't doing anything to Them that They haven't already done to someone
Not everybody can be saved. Most people cannot be
saved. They're humans. They can't change their genetic coding.
They are unable to discern and appreciate the higher order, to savor that
loftier ordure, that Pstench which overflows from the Nether Pouch of the
greatest of all Great Men. Their lips cannot truly touch our butts. So it
would be wise for the aspiring SubGenius to supplicate to the highest ranking
members of the Hierarchy most profusely, rather than ganging up with lower
members in mutiny, and attempting usurpation -- for that shall NEVER HAPPEN.
It CANNOT. It is physically impossible.
Spirit of "Bob," cleanse my bank account and brain. I REBUKE
THEE, FOUL DEMON OF THE OVERDRAW!! I REBUKE THEE, O CREDIT CARD DEMON! As
in accordance with Prescriptures and in the eyes of the many, the Lost shall
be recompensed in silent knowledge on the Throne of Excremeditation; let
it be known, beyond this planet's control, that just as the Stark Fist of
JHVH-1 SMITES, so also It RETRIEVES. For They are but Cogs; They shall be
Replaced. O "Bob" One, grace us with Luck Plane Maneuverability,
or scourge us with sackcloth and ashes, or kill us, as we embark on this
Nameless Mission, and endureth and prophecy in facts of fiction, comedrama
and diabialog; Hail Glory to Wotan and G'BroagFran! "Bob," ever-plastic,
fluid in thy great Truths, who cometh in Salvation, target thy PSYCHONUKES
of DELIVERANCE upon those Con Trolls that lie in wait. For those who would
falter or stumble from the narrow path of random righteousness -- AIEEE!
For I shall obey, yet cast out, semantic dieties of my own PreConditioning,
those sons and daughters of the Imagi Nations, pulling the Wool of Dobbs
over mine own eyes. NORMALCY GET THEE BEHIND ME!! I REBUKE THEE IN THE NAME
OF DOBBS! Black is the color, none is the number; "Bob" is The
We must recover the warheads for the Church!
"The Conspiracy at large has over 100,000 nuclear weapons... and we've
only got three. But we dare to fight `em anyway!" Actually,
we have about 40 small nuclear warheads now. We get them from Turkistan;
the Ukranians bring them in as carry-on baggage from Aeroflot and sell them
for $50 to $100. We have only one Chinese Long March rocket, though, and
the Party won't sell us any more. Catapults have proved impractical. The
Church could be a small nuclear power, if we only had some Kamikaze Bobbies
to launch `em by hand. You can do it. You would ride in on a motorcycle
and lob it over the fence, then speed away as fast as possible. We're only
talking five megaton bombs... you'll be able to outrun the flash. What are
you -- a human or a SubGenius? Are you going to let God and the Conspiracy
walk all over you?