OUT-TAKES FROM REVELATION X -- THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON
Is an Overman always right?
The fact that the Overman can't not be right all the time is his
But is "Bob" right all of the time?
"Bob" is wrong most of the time. Perfect rightness, accidentally
accumulated through wrong, stupid errors. He's so lucky that way.
The fact that such lack of greatness can be rewarded thus, assures that
we the simple SubGeniuses can...
Isn't "Bob" good, Rev. Stang?
Oh "Bob" is good, Dr. Drummond, "Bob" is so good.
But doesn't the...
He's so good in his strength, his...
And yet, is he not ultimately so very bad?
So foul, so BAD... but "bad" only in the Superfly sense.
That's why he has that grin.
THAT GRIN. Simple happiness and joy, even in torment.
Truly, he epitomizes Everyman.
But only that which is MANIACALLY GRINNING in Everyman... the best part,
the most honest and true part.
TIME CONTROL, an indispensable framework for freedom
Time, to the Pink, is only what oozes through his watch; he sees not its
total pervasiveness. The SubGenius knows that time is what we beads are
strung on. It makes possibility possible, it kindly allows us to feel we
are continuous and mercifully hides from us that we are instantaneous.
Time Control is what we've wanted all along. It makes pain hurry and Slack
slow down. We perceive the lack of it clearly when, for instance, we are
in a crowded room and must withhold a tremendous fart. In those horizonless
moments before the gas-ball "seeps back in," we consciously wish
we could ignore it... and we could, had we true Time Control.
Any form of postponement or procrastination is a subtle "bite"
of Time Control, and so slightly sacred.
Even Pinks strive for Time Control without knowing it. It is the reason
they love stories, movies, jokes, songs -- what are these, if not Time Control?
Unlike mundane live experience, these media seem to compress time. They
make events happen with more clarity than Normality would allow. All the
following are Time Control: language, writing, photography, recording, shortcuts,
matter transmitters, stimulant drugs, fossils, pyramids, TV Dinners, torture,
daylight savings time, and prophecy.
And so the SubGenius pays attention to the strange Rates and Paces at which
our lives are projected. He rewinds back to whatever memory-frame he desires
and lets it stand frozen for his inspection. He manipulates his own moods
by splicing together the appropriate thoughts. For even hallowed Time may
be compressed, preserved, extended, traversed, frozen, twisted, reversed,
knotted, circled, recycled, looped, and even erased.
TIME CONTROL IS POSSIBLE: preserve the past, boil it down, extract its Patterns,
and WIELD IT WITHOUT MERCY!!
For the vivid SubGenius imagination is in a churning turmoil of constant
growth, and it can make the Wait blessed. (When starving, or contemplating
unpaid bills, the SubGenius eats his imagination for breakfast and lunches
on his own soul!) It invents more possibility of future pain and joy, letting
us see their immense range and depth, and that they are subjective. We then
realize that Duration is dependent upon Mood. Could we control our own Rates,
we could shorten apparent paintime to zero and apparent Slacktime infinitely.
The SubGenius performs Memory Editing: he buries his arm deep in the Archives
of the Skor, gropes for the proper File and its specific remembrances, and
Retrieves it to scan at leisure. And he knows that this File, and his Archive,
are but one Drawer in the greater Archive of all creation. For everything
is but a pattern, an intersection in the Code. Everything exists at once;
it just shifts position continuously. Every distinct object we see around
us is but an opening into the Files. Don't worry if you "missed something;"
it's all "in the can." It will all be "aired" again,
in some better world. And The Angelic Host which must soon descend will
bring an Index to all the shifting Patterns of the Code, providing us with
a Guide to the AntiLaws.
But we have been warned of The Tampering.
Once one has gone swimming in the 4th Dimension, this dry land-bound pace
seems excruciatingly ordered. It's a shame that life on this Plane is so
chronological! Many are the SubGenii who have gone wading in the turbulent
Surf of Time, never to return! It's hard to get back in step once you've
changed the setting on your Astral Wristwatch.
Meanwhile, the SubGenius must bravely face the bars of his cage; PATIENCE
IS THE ONLY FORM OF TIME CONTROL, at least until the time of NOW!!!
"Close enough for the girls we go with." -- anon. SubGenius
NOW -- go for a walk and keep walking until you stub your toe, get mugged,
or until your feet really hurt. This will remind you that what you
have been reading is valid ONLY IN YOUR HEAD and just a bunch of philosophical
crap to begin with. There's no sense in getting permanently cosmic-headed,
even if you could (and most yogis are only faking it to themselves).
You still have to eat, and your shit still stinks. There IS such a thing
as getting TOO HIGH, and death is a waste (though that is the ONLY reason
you should be afraid of it). Religious yay-hoos can keep blabbering glib
crap forever, us included, and it's a good flushing-out of the brainpan,
but THAT'S ALL IT IS. The rest is between you and "Bob." Good
All coincidences are diabolic omens, preplanned by God. When idiots shrug
something off as coincidence, they are ignoring the obvious fact that coincidence
is the most irrational, illogical, mystico-paranoid explanation for anything,
and therefore it is the most irrefutably perfect explanation for everything.
Coincidence means Time committing suicide: two incidents, or events, fucking
-- and the twain shall become one flesh. -- Gardener
In the appointed Time of Judgement, those souls will be ARRAIGNED which
have survived the tribulations -- more billions than we'll stretch your
credulity to reveal) -- WOTAN has a great Scroll of Life, an Aetheric Enemies
List -- with the names of those judged deserving of Slack and those who
sinned in deeds for the Conspiracy system.
The ABYSS will OPEN and on the Night of Demons, a thousand years of greed
and envy will become FLESH to test the Believers. This shall be the great
CHANGE FATE by SIMPLY WAITING and KILLING TIME!!
GAMBLING is CORRECT!!
But remember, the roulette wheel resembles the flying saucer, and from both
come treachery. Always pray.
The ultimate Conspiracy female. A pussy so long it goes up to the collarbone.
Tits so long they reach the knees. The crack of the ass so long it goes
up to the back of the neck. When she spreads her legs she splits open all
the way up to the JAWBONE. Now that's a woman.
The Brylcream shine in the hair is the `Hard Work Begone Grease.' Sell powdered
extract of "Bob" dots -- "Bob" Dot Glandulars. You can
buy little boxes of nothing but dots, and stick them all over your face.
You can be tattooed with the Dots. Some dots are stashed under a pyramid
in gemstone water with healing sounds played to it, others we keep in a
brass chamberpot under "Bob's" bed.
But Dr. Drummond, most lives are barely touched by Slack at all. It seems
at times that we are forlorn ships drifting... dreadnoughts stuck forever
in the Sargasso Sea of Slacklessness, the Bermuda Triangle of failed desires...
Some SubGenii constantly entertain thoughts of suicide. In fact they are
remarkably creative in such thoughts. Had they not those thoughts as a release,
they would surely go mad. Instead they usually reach a point where everything's
so bad, they "can only laugh."
Suicidal thoughts come when you feel that the great battle, the battle to
cut yourself an island of Slack amidst the antiSlack and toil, is a losing
one. It's like an itch you can't scratch. The Conspiracy is to blame for
most of it, which is a consolation one must never lose sight of. But there
is an anti-Universe of anti-sight and anti-sound. That's where half of your
thoughts are. You are represented in the anti-Universe by an anti-you. In
that Universe you are rich and good-looking. (Assuming you are not so now;
a safe assumption regarding SubGeniuses.) You're not `in negative' physically,
but you're negative in concept. The Negative or Backwards Universe
is also what causes that actual itch you can't scratch between your ear
and your throat. The transtemporal opening to the antiUniverse is located
in that area of the sinuses. That's the mosttelling manifestation
... One's life-path should mimic the SMELL of nature, the mulching manure
of the forest floor... where a man can fill his lungs and unzip his pants
and just... breathe and expel wherever he pleases... freely.
Free to breathe. To breathe, to pee...
How can "Bob" help us to ferret out the interstices of
Slack between the pain dynamos?
"One shall come among you... and he shall unsheath himself and shall
PeE. And by that sign shall ye know him, for he is The One." Think
about it. The message is there. Not just anybody can achieve Slack this
way. Dobbs is beyond us. Just as the excrement of Pharaoh was kneaded into
herbs to make medicine, so Dobbs droppings are mixed with the `Frop admixtures.
"Bob" spoor will fertilize anything. A woman can get pregnant
from stepping over a "Bob" dropping... even sitting on a toilet
"Bob" has used. He is so potent that merely the smell can make
a woman pregnant.
"Bob's" whole reason for the Church is to acquire enough stock
of idiot Bobbie souls, Pinks who think they're SubGeniuses. Consider how
much your own soul is worth, as a member of the Church Hierarchy. If another
of the 13 Apostles accidentally killed you, the penance would cost him the
souls of 27,400 Pinks, or 109 Bobbie souls. (1 Bobbie soul = 250 regular
Pink Souls.) Even if you were merely a dues-paying True SubGenius Yetinsyn
Doktor, like the rank and file, your life would be worth some 5,750 Pink
That makes me feel better. but I guess that's one of the pitfalls of
sequels. What the hell, we'll do it ANYWAY!!
Just as volts are named after Prof. Volt, so are our units of measurement
named after the SubGeniuses who discovered them. Thus we have hypercleats
of confusion, palmers of hate, etc. Here, look at this Lab Report from Dobbstown:
"Bobbie #5: His inebriation level was measured at 1.5 cleves while
his sexhurt index was dropping rapidly down to 2.7 sternos. We find this
indicative that the nearness of the razorblade incurred 4.7 megagordons
of terror on the meter, which caused the scrotal sac to retract. Give it
4 byrons on the bulldada scale." Church devotion, Bobbiehood and obsequious
subservience are measured in elrons. Measurement itself is measured in nenslos,
and derision in howlls. There are koreshes of delusion, wellmans of befuddlement,
contraires of sexiness, canobites of truth, weis of euphoria, and so on.
Like the formula E=MC2, the image of "Bob" expresses
a natural relationship between you and the framework of the world. Just
as E equals MC2, so does the symbol of "Bob," by its
very statement of who it is, contain those powers of "Bob" with
which we all must deal. By looking at "Bob's" image, by the act
of registering that image in your brain, Slack is generated. That pattern
of dots, when placed before a human scanning system, creates a certain number
of philos of Slack --Like the isotropic radio signal, the sensitivity of
the receiver to the Slack spectrum is most important.
The Dobbshead(TM) helps seduce you into the state of mind whereby you can
conceive of how space might be folded, were you just a little more
evolved -- or were you INSIDE a Dobbshead that has been folded. You
won't be able to fold space, but your KIDS might be able to, if they are
conceived after you had that experience.
And the implications! -- that each line of bullshit, each reflection
going off in different, random directions, can all be perfectly valid...
at least for the dumbasses who don't know the difference! As long as they're
paying the medicine man for telling `em what they want to hear, they'll
By its Divine Cheepnis, this seems a good example of the exercise of
Some paths to Slack must be learned. Others come naturally, such as Bulldada.
A specialized form of insight, Bulldada recognizes the motive behind the
mask, the uncontrollable urge behind the veil of appearance. The cheesy
soundtrack, the unconvincing special effects, and the laughable sap in the
zipper-backed lizard suit, the act of MAKING DO and giving the world your
unique vision, no matter how "BAD" -- these make all B-movies
inherently superior to multi-million dollar film "epics." The
reason cheap sci-fi junk appeals to the young is not because they're dumb,
but because they haven't been sold on someone else's idea of what's good
yet. If a cosmic truth is found in a comic panel, or a sophomoric joke
discovered carved in stone by a flaming finger, is the message somehow stunted
by the medium? Bulldada says "no." We merely need Bulldada eyes
to see, Bulldada ears to hear, and suddenly the world around us becomes
rich with information once hidden. The delicate swirlings of gutter trash
becomes the highest art. To know Bulldada is to know all things, for all
things are Bulldada. As it says in Clevecclesians 6:14: "Learn to be
a Connoisseur of the Obvious."
But you have to be ten times smarter than your normal self to even understand
this, much less remember it.
But what, after all, IS the Universe, according to "Bob?" Can
you please be succint?
Let us contemplate just what physicallity is. We know that atoms are not
physical things, but vortices in the aether -- possibilities in the
Yacatizma. They might also be compared to brain cells. The Universe itself
comprises a huge "mind" composed of the activity of all its parts.
It's churning along and, thanks to the Pain Dynamos, pulsating with nonstop
change, with each event affecting each other event across space-time. In
fact, each Universe could be visualized as a gigantic space-time "donut"
eternally collapsing in on itself, turning itself inside-out eternally.
Space is an expanding factory having sex with itself, always fading away
at the Event... like houses turning inside out, merging to share the rooms
Any "increments" or "separate objects" in any Universe
are illusions. Any given POINT of it is actually the WHOLE, in that the
entire rest of the "ring" of Universe is just the "backside"
of each point -- inverted, and continually self-puckering as other points
change. (Dobbs' Pipe, donut-shaped but elongated, is the perfect reality-model.)
YOU'VE READ TOO FAR TO TURN AROUND NOW.
Any given Universe is a giant perfect machine which automatically designs
for itself things like SubGeniuses, through which it can experience itself
-- and either enjoy it or not, depending on the individual mind's tolerance.
If the Universe's main "observation point" happens to intersect
with YOU for a while, don't panic -- it's just that you're momentarily recognizing
JUST HOW MUCH IS REALLY "THERE." Now, no doubt the Universe can
be aware of itself in much more profound ways than when filtered through
any one SubGenius... for the concept that "All change, always =
NO TIME" is a hard one to "lock down." The utter, unrelenting
constancy of endlessly disruptive pure change is too horrible
a thing for the humanoid mind to comprehend in this day and time.
Nevertheless, "living in the Now" comes so naturally to the SubGenius
that he or she gets tired of it, and yearns to voyage to other eras of reality
-- to Be There Later (or Earlier). And so we attempt Time Control,
the process of trying to single out all the levels on which the Universe
exists... trying to, in effect, KNOW EVERYTHING. But there is always the
danger of MADNESS from trying to push one's brain that far past the edge.
ONLY by temporarily divesting EVERYTHING of "holiness" can one
take the final step which leads to full enlightenment and mastery
over the Luck Planes... and, eventually, to FULL APPRECIATION OF
THE SLACK AVAILABLE IN THE PRESENT SITUATION. That final step, by definition
the most terrifying possible, is the ETERNAL INSTANT in which the
seeker truly "knows" the ULTIMATE "GIST" of THE REAL
"NOTHING." For full NOTHING is not even a vacuum. It is
The HOLE -- The Hole so wide, yet so deep and of such antiquity, that, before
there was anything for a hole to be in, there was The Hole.
After the ordeal of "experiencing" (or non-experiencing) that
Hole, the SubGenius is enabled to truly "SEE" the Slack that was
previously invisible, but which IS EVERYWHERE except in the imaginations
THE MULTIPLE TIMESTREAM UNIVERSES
or A WHOLE LOT OF GOOD THAT DOES YOU!!
Each individual [personal] universe is comprised of the potential
for a limitless quantity of sub-Universes each fully co-existent with all
others, constantly being created by responses and reactions to previous,
current or anticipated states. All potentials can exist and are equally
existent. -- Nenslo
Not only can two things coexist in the same "place," countless
things can -- if they are in different timestreams, different TYPES
of rates of vibrations.
However, these timestreams are so incomprehensibly different from even our
concept of "difference" that they are as impenetrable to us as
is this reading material to most Americans. We wouldn't even know
other timestreams are there (or, more correctly, "there"), had
not a being composed of gas and electrical impulses, the size of a solar
system, told "Bob" all about it. Of all those, only our particular
Backward Timestream can be even vaguely comprehensible to us.
Time isn't a river flowing along in the linear way we like to think. "Time"
is just the perception of change. Our Universe is that incessant
change as seen from one angle. The Backward Universe is the same
CHANGE, as seen from another angle.
The Backward Timestream is the exact opposite of our Universe, "IN"
the same "PLACE!!" It isn't like two train tracks running
parallel, with the trains going in opposite directions -- it's more like
ONE TRACK with TWO TRAINS going RIGHT THROUGH each other in opposite directions,
ALL THE TIME. The Backward Universe is the EXACT EQUIVALENT of our Universe,
atom for atom and movement for movement.But, while the atoms are
the same in both "worlds," their pattern of events has a completely
different meaning -- still corresponding to ours, but not exactly opposite
-- rather, "opposite" in an utterly incomprehensible way.
And what's potentially more distressing is that, even though JHVH-1 can
comprehend it, evenHe can't do anything about it!!
At certain times, the Backward Timestream Universe "bleeds over"
into ours, and ours into it. This "bleedover" (which may someday
be predictable!) accounts for some of the weirder anomalies, the ones Science
won't touch with a ten-meter pole for fear of wetting its pants in public.
Certain manifestations of "UFOs," impossible showers from the
sky of maddeningly unexplainable objects, even down to household objects
which "sprout legs and walk off" -- these are cases of the Backward
Timestream, the negative 3 dimensions, brushing against ours. The Time Control
mechanisms built into the Gateways -- the "traffic lights" between
the two timestreams -- break down, resulting in vast "LAGS" in
time-space through which come the Saucers... going the `wrong way' down
our side of the temporal highway. A head-on would be fatal.
Some of these anomalous events are caused deliberately by JHVH-1 or His
ilk, to keep us on our toes yet off-balance, reminding us that we aren't
in control. Other cases may just be odd flaws in the structure of the Universe(s).
The ultimate goal of Time Control is to gain access to these, that we may
abuse and conquer them just as mankind does with everything it touches.
Each SubGenius is God.
It all comes back to the fear of suffocating and the fear of falling,
whether you're mapping inner space or diagnosing a planet. Do you ever REMEMBER
how to fly in your dreams? If yes, then you know something about UNLEARNING
CRAP and giving yourself some Slack. -- Gardener
Can a SubGenius alchemically transform his pipe into the Pipe of "Bob"?
Is the transmutation physical, or is it merely a delusion?
Only in a trans-delusionary sense is it an illusion. This is the most important
point of all. You are only dreaming the hungers and irritations.
The thirst is an illusion. It is only a dream. The pain in your ankles is
part of a dream. You are only dreaming those, and now you may wake up from
them. You are a man dreaming that you are a man. You are only dreaming that
you can think.
It's like the old saw, "I dreamed that I was a fish, only dreaming
that I was a squid."
But what is the nature of thought?
Let me think about it and I'll get back to you. I'll have to sleep on that
one, I dreamt.
"The toad may stand in the rain day and night, but its skin
will never be smooth." -- Malay proverb
"But after I lick that toad all day and night, it'll sure as hell
look smooth to me."
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, quoted at an Initiation Oath Ceremony in
Dobbstown by Rev. Tony Wilds
SUBGENIUS MOVIES WE'D LIKE TO SEE:
BENJI VS. PREDATOR
BATMAN VS. DRACULA
"BOB" VS. THE THING WITH NO FACE
PEE WEE MEETS TERMINATOR
DARKMAN VS. JAWS
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Vs. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (The Secret of
the Oozing Universe)
SUPERMAN VS. JESUS (Man of Steel Vs. The Prince of Peace)
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS Vs. FREDDY KRUEGER
FREDDY VS. NHGH (Or: NHGH ON ELM STREET)
PIPPI LONGSTOCKING MARRIES THE FLY
RAMBO VS. CONAN
TARZAN vs. THE ABYSS
DAVY & GOLIATH MEET THE EXORCIST
THE FLASH VS. THE BLOB
ROBOCOP VS. THE TRANSFORMERS
ERNEST GOES TO JONESTOWN
ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET SADDAM HUSSEIN
DRS. 4 "BOB" MEET THE FAR OUT SPACE NUTS
YANCY STREET GANG VS. GODZILLA
MRS. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON
THE THREE THIRD STOOGES starring Curly, Shemp and Joe
THE 310 STOOGES
Then Came Onan
All My Bobbies
Watch Out For Janor
"From now on, as of this moment, you can do whatever you want."
-- Rev. Willie at Slack Attack devival, Dallas