This was funny about five years ago when I first saw it... thought you might want to archive it or something.



>in various world religions

>Taoism: Shit happens.
>If you can shit, it isn't shit.
>Shit happens, so flow with it.

>Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
>She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
>she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit.

>Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
>Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen

>Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
>If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time.

>Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

>7th Day Adventism:
>Shit happens on Saturdays.

>Hinduism: I've seen this shit before.
>This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you.

>Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
>If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

>Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

>If shit happens, hold a procession.

>Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

>Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

>Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
>You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

>Charismatic Catholicism:
>Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you

>Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
>Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

>Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?

>Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
>If shit happens, take a hostage.
>We don't take any shit.

>Nation of Islam:
>Don't take no shit!

>New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
>A firm shit does not happen to me.
>This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit.
>If shit happens, honor it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
>Were all part of the same shit.
>For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

>Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
>The Goddess makes shit happen.

>Jehovah's Witnesses:
>No shit happens until Armaggedon.
>There is only a limited amount of good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
>Here, we insist you take our shit.
>Shit happens door to door.

>Secular Humanism:
>Shit evolves.

>Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.

>Christian Science:
>When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself.
>Shit in in your mind.

>Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
>It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
>to taste it.
>Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
>No shit!

>Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
>I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's

>Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
>I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
>What is this shit?!
>How can we KNOW if shit happens?
>You can't prove any of this shit

>Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
>Hey, this is good shit, mon.

>Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
>Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah) Hey, there's more shit over here!
>Our shit is better than your shit.
>Shit happens again & again & again ...

>Energizer Bunny:
>Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...

>Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
>We'll wash the shit right off you.

>Southern Baptist:
>Shit will happen. Praise the lord.

>Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

>Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
>Let's stick some pins in this shit!
>This shit's gonna get you

>Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop

>Unitarianism: What is this Shit?
>We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
>It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

>Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

>Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.

>EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.
>You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

>Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
>Shit happens, but don't publish it.

>Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.

>Amish: Shit is good for the soil.
>This modern shit is worthless.

>Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

>Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.

>Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

>Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

>Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?

>Mysticism: This is really weird shit.

>Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

>Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

>Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

>Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
>We will make your shit happen.

>Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen

>Scientology: All this happens to be shit.
>If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

>Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!

>Sikhism: Leave our shit alone

>Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.

>Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)



>in other various ways

>Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

>An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

>An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
>This shit's not part of my contract.

>Shit is biodegradable.

>Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where.

>Quantum Shittydynamics:
>Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

>Einsteinism: Shit is Relative.

>Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
>Relatives are Shit.

>Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

>Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...

>Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
>about it.

>Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

>Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?

>Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.
>I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

>Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!
>Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.

>Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

>McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

>Martin Luther King:
>Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

>Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

>John Paul Jones:
>I have not yet begun to shit.

>James Tiberius Kirk:
>... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

>Computer Science:
>There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

>Macintosh: (Enough said)

>UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit!

>IBM/DOS: It's shit, but at least it's compatible.

>Communism: It's everybody's shit.

>Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
>is alike.
>Dictatorship of the shit.

>Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
>If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

>Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.

>Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

>Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.

>Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

>Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
>Shit happening is absurd.

>Realism: I think I need to take a shit.

>Denialism: What shit?

>Purists: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

>I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

>Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

>Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.

>Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!

>Surrealism: Fish!

>Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.

>Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!

>Fetishism: I love when shit happens.

>Masochism: Do shit to me!

>Sadism: I will shit on you!

>Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.



>according to the Philospohers

>Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

>Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.

>Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?

>Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...

>Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
>I shit, therefore I am.

>Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
>The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

>Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
>of life.

>Sartre: Shit is meaningless!
>What is shit, anyway?



>in various professions

>Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

>Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

>Physicist (Theoretical):
>Shit SHOULD happen.

>Physicist (Experimental):
>To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

>Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

>Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
>Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

>Biologist: Is this shit alive?

>Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
>this shit.

>Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form
>XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

>CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
>(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

>Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

>Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
>Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

>Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
>Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
>its subconscious shittiness.

>Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

>Social Scientist:
>Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

>Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
>If you elect me, there will never again be shit. Shit is bad for the economy.

>Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

>Musician: This shit is out of tune.

>Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

>Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

>Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
>(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

>Quality Control Inspector:
>This shit ain't good enough.

>IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

>Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

>Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

>Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.

>NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...



>for Sanitation Engineers

>0th: There is shit.
>1st: You can't get rid of it.
>2nd: It gets deeper.
>3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.


Rev. J.C. "Steve" Bevilacqua
Business Manager, Sleazy Promoter
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
Send $1.00 for more information on this fast growing cult! PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
Fax: (214)324-0993 Credit card orders 1(888)669-2323

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