On The Spork Nature

From: Jeff Easter <Protoco1@ix.netcom.com> (forwarded by Iceknife):

Dear bumbling IEdiots,

YOU bumbleing IEdiots, the true history of the sporks (as any TRUE
believer of the Spork would know) is as follows

Longago the earth was not as it is today, there were three races
living in Utopian Harmony. These races the Forkians, the
Spoohonians (spoo-honi-ans) and the Nnkifes (NAh-kfifes) all
existed in perfect happines. But the Spoohonians and the Forkins
grew bored and tried to create the perfect eating utensil despite
the dire warnings of the wise Nnkifes. They created... The Spork.

The Spork upon reaching self awareness realized that it was far
superior to its humble creators, and thus set about to masacre
them, Man, Women, and Child. The sporks also realized that the
Nnkifes were not as foolish and weak as the Spoohonians and
Forkians, and would soon attempt to destroy them. The sporks then
began prepairing there secret weapon, a creature so perfect that it
would be nearly impossible to destroy once it had finished growing
and would posses terrible powers that it could unleash upon the
enemies of the spork. This creation had the best attributes of all
of the utensils but was still vulnerable to the oncoming assualt by
the Nnkifes. THe sporks then seeled their creation into a Anti
reality pocket along with a huge army of Spork warriors. This was
accomplished barely before the Nnkife armies breached the sporks'
defensive barrier and cause all of the sporks to return to a
dormant state were they could not move or speak, just emit weak
telepathic signals. These now innactive sporks were buried deep
within the earth in places throughout the globe, esspecially in
northern minnisota. There the sporks remained inactive until they
were dug up by the U.S. government in the 1950s and used for the
purpose of eating both soup and meat. The sporks are allowing the
government to spread them across the world so that they can
transmit their telephic signal so thousands of humans hoping to
fing the one who can create a spork with the components of both
spoon, fork, And Knife. Once this has happened, the Spork creation
will be released from it's reality pocket allong with the invading
army so that they can destroy the Nnkifes once and for all along
with those humans who have not been faithful to the sporks. So
beware my children for the day of judgement approaches so praise
the sporks or beware followers of the hollow pagan Knife, for the
day shall come when the rivers will run red with your blood as you
slowly choke on your own vomit as you slowly die from thousand of

The High priestess, uh oh wait uh i mean
Priest(that was a typo nothing more okay, oh how the hell do you
delete something on this spork forsaken thing)

Karlton Spork

P.S. The greatest sin of any thing imaginable is to call a spork a
(Oh great sporks forgive me for this transgretion) Foon. ANy person
who has ever said this once is damned for all eternity to an
existence of constant agony, so watch, watch well your words or


This is what happens when you eat too many preservatives. In case
anyone wonders (yeah fuck you too, pal) this came from
alt.utensil.spork, and I felt like sharing it with you so you could
see where yer all headed... where people like NENSLO and JANOR
already ARE...

suffer and wither and sweat and writhe and pout.

have a day!


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