By the Impossibly Reverend Judy Graham
Imperial Lizard of the Church of the
Perenially Impatient (Rewardian).
"Getting on the nerves of humanity since 1961."
Who do ya think put the "dead" in DeadHead anyway? I'm the one of many that the Church leaders warned you so-called "true SubGenii" about! I am a "Bobbie" as the dudes who invented this weird religion would put it! They say their church could technically not exist because it is composed of people who are not joiners! Well, I am a joiner! I and millions of others like myself make this goddamn Church exist! I am a faddist! I'm always on the lookout for new ways to be hep! I say, "If it's cool, It's cool!" I put the "Pee" in "Groupie"! I'm so fucking pretentious I get on your nerves with my mear presence! J. R. "Bob" Dobbs faked his own death and went into hiding to get away from people like me! I made W. C. Fields say "Go away, kid, ya bother me!" and mean it! The Church founders will never get rid of me until something more cool than It comes along! Then they'll discover to their horror that the real Church that will disappear and come back under a new name just as we have done for thousands of years are indeed THE FUCKING BOBBIES! MEEE! Usss! Once I was a beatnik! Then I became a Hippie! Eventually I became a Punker! I was even HipHop for a coupla months! When the next big thing comes, those snide church elders better get there before we do if they wanna have a bunch of followers to laugh at! Otherwise they'll have to choose between losing money on "Bob" or joining Us! So back off, you pompous, self-flattering, arrogant, stuck-up globs of cat vomit! We are millions and you know it! There's gonna be a mutiny in heaven and we'll make God mop up the mess afterwards! The Church would be even more dependent on their shitty bosses if it weren't for us! So why don't you...
(Interest runs out)