Dear friends, this is the Hour of Slack #51 -- the long-awaited, SUBGENIUS ANTIDRUG SPECIAL. PART ONE. This one's for Dr. X, may he rest in peace.
Now you're saying -- "The SubGenius ANtidrug Special?" What is this, is the Church of the SubGenius joining with the Conspiracy on its big fad of anti-drug megahype and holier than thou witchburning?
And I answer, nay, nay, this is the ANTI-megahype we're doing. Not that we've ever condone drug addiction -- of course not, this is a CHURCH!!! The only drug you need is "BOB," my friend. "Bob" will get you high and keep you there.
No, we're just anti-certain drugs. Just like the Conspiracy is. They only hate the drugs that THEY'RE NOT ON. "DEATH TO PUSHERS," that's what Ronald and "NANCY", if that really is her name, REAGAN say. "DEATH TO PUSHERS." AND YET, dear friends, they continue to use the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT to SUPPORT the tobacco industry, and the ALCOHOL industry. "Oh, but we're only against DRUGS!! There's nothing wrong with being able to have a little DRINKIE WINKIE now and then , and one cigaret never killed anybody, unless it's lit right next to a leaky tank fulla CHURCH AIR!!" That's what RONALD REAGAN says. Death to MARIJUANA PUSHERS, SUBSIDIES to the TOBACCO INDUSTRY! and the LIKKER industry!!!
Oh, lips that hath touched the bottle will never touch mine, friends. Though I do partake of the holy FROP admixture prescribed by my personal physician, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs! But like "Bob" himself said, "I FROP THAT OTHERS MAY LIVE." And frop ain't one of those conspiracy street drugs. Unh--UNH!! But we'll be talking about frop later. Maybe even next week. I know, you ALL wanna know what FROP really is and how to get some. Well, you're just gonna have to listen REAL CLOSE, in STEREO HEADPHONES tonight friends, if you even want to gain BUT AN INKLING!!
Me, I'm just froppin' on the job, and lucky to be doing that. Because since they've had the crackdown on crack, they have succeeded -- in true CONSPIRACY fashion --in making it so that you can't get anything BUT crack.
Actually you can't even get that in Dallas. You can get plenty of coke.... cheaper than ever... because it lights up that little spot in your brain that would normally be lit up by sex, or a real kickass riff off your favorite song at just the right time, or the right incredible climactic passage from a great book might light it up, on rare occasions.... a SubGenius tape, every two minutes will light it up.... or the merest glimpse of one of "Bob's" hundred-year old footprints might light up that spot in your brain, that a mighty, undiluted unNHGHfied SQUIRT will flood that spot with, with just the right juices from just the right glands...but... BUT... since , to read that good book takes DAYS, you gotta be in the right place at the right time for that song to have effect, if you're gonna get it through sex, that takes at LEAST 5 minutes and often, you have to take 'em out to dinner -- but MY GOD, you can just go out and spend some money and in NO TIME AT ALL you can light up that little spot... just as soon as you can get back to your car, baby... just as soon as you can get a sample -- fire that bugger up --why, what ELSE DO YOU NEED??? Why would there be any need for noble feelings for all mankind, or even any sense of human decency whatsoever? Why would there be any need for anything but to light up that spot?? In that brain? And when you get those HEADSETS where you just tape a little pad to either side of your temple, and one in front and one in back, on a shaved place on your head, and you have that little control in your pocket with a battery in it, as long as you've got a DOLLAR NINETY EIGHT 9-volt battery in that thing, you can crank that up to 5 and feel MIGHTY DAMN GOOD, or turn it up to 10 and, well, you'll never turn it off. There'd better be somebody standing' by. Anywhere past 6 on the Infinite Control (with 'Knob'), YOU'RE not gonna turn it off. You're NOT going to. You might turn it off for a second -- but it would HURT! It would HURT to turn it down. Even to turn it down. And once you've FELT the 10 setting, you're not gonna want to LIVE with anything else -- and you're gonna be CRYING a year later for the 11 setting. You're gonna be begging -- you'll be reading all the catalogs, baby -- waiting for that breakthrough that'll give you an 11 on the Control. Yesireee, they think they got a drug problem now... you THINK there's a drug problem in the United States, in the whole world NOW -- oh MARK MY WORDS YE SINNERS -- wait until you get some electronics involved, baby! You think those computer whizzes got rich quick --wait until they got the HEAD ZAPPER -- "OH, it's my HEAD," you'll say. "IT'S MY HEAD!" That's all you'll be able to say. Every song will be the song, "IT'S MY HEAD!!!" That'll be the only awareness you need. It's just between you, your head and your Control. Your PLEASURE CENTER STIMULATOR CONTROL. OH YEAH, you'll be like a MONKEY in a CAGE, sitting in a pool of his OWN SALIVA, THAT'S RIGHT!! Cause once you feel #10, ye ain't gonna.. heh heh... you can kiss what you NOW know as reality, GOODBYE, baby! Yes and after awhile even the 10 starts to feel like pain... but you can't go looking for the 11 button, because you CAN'T GET UP -- been there TOO LONG. Cause you're DEAD! You're a GHOST that DIED while it was HIGH. Yep... if you die when you're high, my friend, your spirit becomes a wandering shade, wandering trying to SCORE, for ETERNITY!!! Or at least until a SubGenius priest comes along and sends it spankin' back to where it originally came from. MY GOD, and here I am running out of gas! You're always gonna RUN OUT sooner or later. That's what you gotta remember. TOO MUCH, oh yeah, TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH...ha ha ha... TIL YA RUN OUT!! And you will, friend. You'll run outa that Church Air, right when you LEAST EXPECT IT, RIGHT when you thought you had ALL THE CHURCH AIR IN THE WORLD. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. "I had all the Church Air in the world... but... but... but NHGH has it now! " You'll scream, you'll cry, you'll WAIL AND GNASH YOUR TEETH, and you'll WISH you could DIE, but ye CAIN'T!!! You CAIN'T!! Cause your terror keeps you alive and manufactures just enough Church Air for you NOT to DIE, but just to keep needing more.
AFTER BOOK-FROP RANT:
"I frop that others may live" -- "Bob"
Imagine a world where HEROIN was legal, but possession of coffee was punishable by up to 50 years in jail. In other words, you could run down to the nearest convenience store just about any time of day or night and purchase any amount of liquid heroin you wanted. A whole BOTTLE of heroin would be about $3. Or you could go to a heroin den and sit and shoot up with all your shooting buddies until 2 am -- then you'd get on the expressway and DRIVE HOME. Or, for that matter, where the authorities had made heroin so much a part of the BUSINESS world that, nobody closed a big business deal without having a few shots of smack with the client. And there would be billboards all over the roads for the coolest brands of heroin, showing beautiful models skin-popping beside a waterfall. And on TV -- well, not only would there be all these ads showing your favorite sports heroes shooting their favorite brand of heroin, but in any party scene, or any scene of ANY TV SHOW where people were shown relaxing or having a good time, they always were taking a few sniffs of smack.
The leaders of a world like that would have to be pretty insane, right? I mean, it would be obvious that the leaders themselves were not only heroin users, but stood to gain quite a bit from the entire population (aside from the few anti-heroin fanatics) leaning on this substance to relax.
But let's take it a step further. Imagine if these people made coffee illegal. Because they said it was addicting, and it lead to harder stuff -- like EXPRESSO. But yet untold millions of people had been drinking coffee for thousands of years and NO ONE HAD EVER O.D.'d. You drink it and it sharpens you up a BIT and then later you crash a BIT. But it was so illegal that smugglers were getting fantastically rich having contraband coffee beans flown up from South America. And there was this whole subculture of "BEAN HEADS," people who were into coffee partly as a rebellion against the establishment -- and the whole reason that coffee lead to harder stuff, like NYQUIL, was because to BUY coffee you had to go to a DEALER's house, where you'd encounter people who WERE Nyquil users. On top of that, a one-ounce baggy of COFFEE BEANS would cost like $100 just for ordinary MAXWELL HOUSE grade. And people would be arrested and spend their whole lives in jail, maybe even be executed for using coffee, which is RELATIVELY harmless, while this whole planet of JUNKIES was going scot-free.
IMAGINE WHAT A HORRIBLE, TOPSY-TURVY WORLD THAT WOULD BE, friends. Where they made a POWERFUL CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM DEPRESSANT not only legal but GLAMOROUS, while an organically grown, harmless bean off a bush could wreck your life ONLY BECAUSE OF THE LAWS AGAINST IT.
THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN HERE. NO, not in THIS world. NAH.... NO WAY.