The Miracle Of "Bob's" Tyranny
And The Alchemy of Sales "And though I may not Comprehend, I know my God is good."
"He ain't no man...He ain't no god...I don't wanna walk the path that
-- Prayer of St. Janor the Hypercleats
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh "BOB" D'lyeh* Wgah'nagl Dhobbz f'htagn." ("In his
Great Easy Chair at D'lyeh, Dread Dobbs lays Smoking.")
-- one of the Dhol Chants for raising the Elder Gods, from
Incubustum Mysteris des Helle, Sir Colin Anton Wilson, 1706
"I want my monkey brains well done!"
-- "Bob" to cook at Dobbstown, Malaysia
Individually, each of us is buffeted by social tidal waves, generally
powerless except to create peaceful, temporary islands of Salck with her
or his own self, kin, and buddies.
BUT. As one group, collectively acting and moving like one relentless
Hyrdra whose parts are not the same, encircling the world in a monstrous
belt of unpredictability, the world's SubGenii will be IMMUNE to the False
Slack of the Pink Boys, and shall OVERCOME The Conspiracy. Our brains are
too well-worn, too smudged and stained to be completely washed by their
insidious "mind-cleaning" techniques.
We don't worry about The Conspiracy driving us crazy because we already
ARE crazy. We don't worry about the New Depression reducing us to barbarism
- SubGeniuses ARE barbarians no matter how rich or poor, smart or dumb,
cultured or plain. Our precious "bad attitude" sets us apart from the lack-
laster Others shuffling through their hundred million jobs. Oh, we have to
slave away at jobs too, but the difference is we don't let the job run us.
We seek something better - Something, in fact, for Nothing. That is our
Grail, our Quest. Throughout history, all SubGenii, individually or coll-
ectively, consciously or subconsciously, have sought that perfect, pure,
unbeatable MONEY MAKING FORMULA that will free mankind from its self-
And indeed, that relentless racial drive has culminated, in this decade,
with That One True magic Miracle Earning Equation Formula that can pander
to all common demoninators without varying one iota from the True Path,
that will fetch for its masters the Treasures of Solomon, the Fountain of
Youth, the Philosopher's Stone, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,
and the Rocking Chair of Ultimate Slack ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.
Pope Meyer III phrased it this way while ranting to themasses at the
1981 World SubGenius Conclave:
"What TAKES AWAY our SLACK? PUSHY WAITRESSES!! ARROGANT CASHIERS!!
INSENSITIVE EMPLOYERS take AWAY your Slack. WithHOLDING tax takes away your
Slack. WHO GIVES YOU BACK YOUR SLACK? Tell me Children, WHO GIVES YOU BACK
It's "Bob." IT IS "BOB."
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the Living Slack Master of Mystik Sales Training, the
Bridge between Heaven and Earth and Hell, the wordless Bobhead, the Nake
Dobbs, All-Knowing, All-Prevailing, All-Just, All-True, All-None, ALL-ONE,
DOBBS is the ONE TRUE WAY by which we may finally achieve that elusive
SLACK that has been denied us.
Science and religion each prove totally different things, yet they both
appear to be true. So, by divine logic, the answer must be "Bob." He IS his
own self-fulfilling prophecy... his own best idea. During every instant of
time he is simultaneously killed and reborn, perpetually rising from the
ashes of his own self-consuming Flame of Truth which Light the Path through
the Illuminated Darkness of his Isness.
A "60-million-year Cycle" will end in 1998; Dobbs sees the world enter-
ing a New Aeon which, in a few years, will bring more wondrous and mirac-
ulous change, and carnage, insanity, and destruction, than all of mankind's
history and prehistory before it!
"Bob" brings a new destiny for America - a time of cataclysmic economic
change that will offer UNTOLD RICHES AND POWER to those "in the know" while
billions of DESERVING CONSPIRACY DUPES FRY in Hell-on-Earth...Uncontrolled
thinking, controlled by "Bob," will usher in a SPIRITUAL REBIRTH and a cas-
cade of astounding mysteries, supernatural riches, and a restoration of
lost psychic abilities that will totally transform the lives of those who
DARE to seek them and pay for them. that's right - you're lucky to live in
the End Times.
For only nowadays does Man have access to the uncut truth of JHVH-1's
Prime Ordinances. "WHAT IS THE LAW? Not to make laws, that is the First
Law; Are We Not Men?"
In the early Forties an industrious young American salesman, while
working late one night on an experimental television of his own design,
was abruptly Removed and translated astrally across the yawning gulfs
of space and time to the very 'IDGE' of JHVH-1 HIMSELF! While his body
lay thrashing at home in a seizure-like trance, the young man's conscious-
ness took the brunt of the first brain-buffetin communionications of count-
less to come from the alien Yahweh: awesome gland-curdling pronouncements
which now form the sacred Prescriptures of the Church.
THE MYSTIC PATH TO ABUNDANCE
We call this milestone in Man's mined path to Slack The Divine Emac-
ulation of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. It transformed him overnight into history's
sexiest, most sensational Religious Leader and gave him the spiritual
know-how to handle both the "curves" - and The Conspiracy! from suave
ladie's man (and men's man) to hard-as-nails fighter, he takes daily
threats to his life with raw, cold courage and can mix it with the best
and worth of rival cult leaders.
Although the least scrutable or approachable of all SubGenii - and there
is some debate whether he even is one - he is by far the most frequently
invoked of all our uncountable "Short Duration Personal Saviors." While he
doubtless would prefer to remain an anonymous executive shunning publicity
or recognition, he is nonetheless our basic model, the Archetypal SubGenius
who set the "anti-pattern" of random conduct we all now follow...if you
can call that 'following.' His are the divine defects and failures which
we devotedly preserve, twist and distort for future generations. Yet he
remains a mystery man; the only photos of him that exist are culled from
old two-bit magazine ad for which he modeled, or grainy frame blow-ups from
Grade Z monster movies in which he played bit parts. We are forever in
search of historic Dobbs.
Dobbs is one of those rare Adepts who walks the Earth every few centur-
ies, those Ascended Masters who "see" in a far greater way and can unravel
the other wavelengths of overlapping realities, treading aether in the
cosmic mind-oceans of Higher Mentalities. As a trance medium he is unparal-
led, able to 'Spout' at will the messages beamed into his head from vast
numbers of discorporate spirits, demons, dear departed, crazed saints,
mystics and conquerors of ancient history (including Cerinthus the Mad
Gnositc, actual author of the Book of Revelation!), alien space intelli-
gences and god-like entities from all seven circles of the Beforelife, and
- most crucial of all - from JHVH-1 Himself. All share the same basic
message: that there is a world beyond this silly material plane, a vast
power grid bearing the energy pattern of all that has ever happened and
ever will happen - The Skor. While we are all of the essence of this great
reality-file, only a few can open and close its drawers as they please.
"Bob" is one of those gifted few, and as "Sleeping Reporter" he divulges
to us Initiates what ancient wisdoms we must know to be freed from the
million minor irritations and compulsive frettings that plague us daily and
short-circuit the pre-Atlantean psi-biotic energy shafts that would other-
wise feed us Slack. YES! The Word of "Bob" brigs INSTANT GOOD LUCK (both
material and hallucinatory); it SLAPS the scales of social norms from our
eyes; it lets us channel the glorious abnormalities of the Universe and
transcend the dull, earthly blunderings we call "life" on this Planet of
the Clocks. Time Control is OURS!
GIFTED READER AND ADVISOR
"Bob has a great power which even the Pope of the Vatican envies: the
power to fail, and fail repeatedly. Yes, "Bob" is FALLIBLE - as fully,
humanly fallible as is superhumanly possible. And, either despite or be-
cause of his infrahuman mediumship, he possesses one single failing above
and beyond all his other shortcomings: his most holy and all-inclusive
FOLLIES, which embody in some cheaply symbolic way all the foibles of the
all-too-human race. Where these would be crippling to another person, in
Dobbs they loom stranger-than-life and make him a very "MICROCOSM" encaps-
ulating ever imperfection of the so-called "human condition.' His beauti-
fully expressive blunders and idiocies, his cleverly illustrative errors
and inadvertencies, are perhaps more sacrosanct, more deserving of anal-
ization than even his hallowed salesmanship. He has ever weakness in the
book - including his rash willingness to carry the battle for Slack ALL
He has one strength alone: his insane dedication to the Good Fight
against the Dark Side and all the enemies of free enterprise, Sales, and
Yes - "Bob" is human: lonely, isolated from his fellows by the import-
ance of the Nameless Mission he's taken on. He sweats, bleeds, suffers,
like anyone else. Perhaps this is his greatest appeal to some. For others,
there's always the thought of "Bob" the lover - immaculately attired,
debonair on the dance floor, instinctively understanding of their frailties
and passionately eager to comfort them. While salesmen know him as "the
man who could sell anything," his 'Initiates' know him as just..."The Man."
No, he isn't just a man. He's all men. And he's ALL MAN to all women.
And friends, when he married his Main Wife, "Connie," he YES merged with
her and became, YES, despite his great Steel Sceptor, ALL WOMEN.
For "BOB," my friend, "BOB" is a SEX GOD. "Bob," in fact, IS SEX: an
all-encompassing sex that is the very In-ness and Surrounding-ness of
the UNION of both the lingam and the yoni.
And not just hetero sex -- ALL SEX. "Bob" does not choose to fornicate -
"Bob" as the Tool of WOTAN has to fornicate. And not just with women. Not
just with men. With ANIMALS, with PLANTS, from a faithful oak tree in his
back yard to the mighty whales of the briney deep; with THE VERY EARTH
ITSELF. Yes, "Bob" copulates with the ground!
SEX AGAIN AND AGAIN
"Bob" is the REAL THING. He came to refertilize your sexual preconc-
eptions, to make us ALL relive our reincarnality in the million polyverse
combinations we once enjoyed. Sure, this Church drips with MACHISMO IRONY,
with insanely overblow CAJONES. This Religion isn't for the amalgamation
of the sexes, no... but it sure as hell is for the divine UNION of them.
ALL of them.
Strangely enough, none of "Bob's" words or deeds are particularly spec-
tacular. Their holiness lies in their nondescript but inviolable trivial-
ity. As he once 'Spouted' in his 'Devotia Moderna de Infomania', "The
stupider it looks, the more important it probably is." We try to live this
Dobbs, unlike the Con, does not confuse you with "facts." There ARE no
"facts" to the enlightened man. To one trained by "Bob," Truth can be
found in a potato. since his Emaculation, Dobbs has known that Slack
ultimately comes first, before all else...even Truth. This is an important
difference between our Church and all others. Lesser religions demand that
you 'direct your will' and 'focus your energies." Dobbs preaches the
opposite: although you must know of your Power to begin with, the real key
is to NOT TRY. For in the purity of the Contradiction of Trying Not to Try,
you actually make the Greatest of Attempts and thus find a perfectly palp-
able, human graspable Punchline to The Joke of Life...or at least a good
a one as you'll find in your earthly, creaturely life. "Bob" did not
achieve Cosmic Oneness and Consciousnessless-ness on purpose. He was rudely
shoved by the gods down the behavio-electric Path of Least Resistance.
TOMORROW IS OBSOLETE
Everything is easy for "Bob." Even his most hellish mission is like an
everlasting holiday. What he wants to happen just happens to be what's
going to happen, anyway. This can work for you, too, if you will only want
what "Bob" wants. You , like "Bob," would then be able to pack a lot of
action into each day without doing a damn thing.
As mysteriously and profitably as he doles out his prophecies and cass-
ette messages, he unfailingly - yet, accidentally - enrichens himself with
material things using only the exaggerated human nature he was born with.
Just as Jesus of Nazareth was a carpenter, so is "Bob" of (NOT SHOWN HERE)
a salesman - the High Sales Man of the SubGenius.
SEX WORDS! BUY THIS!
A descendant of many great psychics, "Bob" began using his gift for
financial gain at age 6. He has since built up an immeasurably vast pers-
onal fortune in his many careers, especially as mind-breaker and Psychic
Salesman for many governments and faceless international cartels. His
unusual clientele has included the great, the near-great, the never-should-
have-been-great, and the would-have-been-great-except-for-The-Conspiracy.
He moves freely in the worlds of finance, entertainment, politics, espion-
age, and world manipulation. He has sold to Presidents, and he has sold to
the Average Man. To the undead and to many, many Messiahs. He has sold
bankers and workers, stars and extras, sheiks and slaves. His first 13 Dis-
ciples were simple salesmen who had caught on to the supernatural aspect of
his sales Nature. He called these his "Fishers of Wallets."
"Bob" learned the secrets of The Conspiracy from the Inside and now he
brings them to us - the ones who should have had them in the first place.
And he has the wisdom to publish them in this florid, overwritten, deeply
meaningful and challengingly difficult-to-read style to insure that ONLY
YOU and a few choice others will comprehend and be privy to this secret
knowledge that has controlled Mankind for ages - narrowing down the comp-
etition in the field of world conquest for you! "Bob" knows how cheated
you feel, and his intimate association with alien beings makes his advice
the only safe thing that can raise you up from your mediocre past.
ARE YOU READY? Sales - true sales, not the sick, impersonal 'advert-
ising' of The Conspiracy - depends on a love of danger, of risk, of the
exotic and bizarre. It's a willingness to try anything as well as a lust
for the truly strange and, yes, the strangely true.
SKEPTICAL? EAT THIS PAGE NOW
The Church of the SubGenius is the sale, the big PITCH, and when the
world buys it, you get the commission...you and those oh, so few others
sharp enough to be part of this great Sales Team.
But it's a race. We have to get to the customer, Earth, before that
OTHER salesman does, from that OTHER company...the one with the bigger
sales force, fancier placards, and the best 'people shapers' in the busi-
But YOU have the Magic Key. You know the customer better, and you have
a product that works: SLACK, which "the competition" doesn't even believe
exists and couldn't understand anyway. You, YOU are onto the "Big Game" -
with the "Big Gun" - and "Bob's" 'Eye-in-the-Pyramid Scheme' is JUST THE
AMMO YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
ESOTERIC DOMINANCE COMMAND
And 'Bob" MAKES it even easier still. On this "Big Deal," the SALE is
ALREADY CLINCHED! The customer - the world - HAS to buy, OR ELSE! It's
either Slack from you, or Brand X slavery from The Conspiracy. It's a sure-
fire, no-miss deal...because this sale, friend, is FATED AND DECREED BY
Oh, They have a powerful sales tool; the ignorance and venality of the
customer. But you have "Bob." And you work for the winning company: THE
FORCES OF GOOD!
Oh, yes. There is a Heaven, and you CAN BUY your way into it...and
there's a Hell, but you CAN BUY your way out of it.
HELL is life on this planet without "Bob."
LOOK, and you will find "Bob" everywhere. Bob's Market, Bob's TV Repair,
Captain Bob's Seafood, Dobbs Salvage Center, Dr. Dobbs' Freeway Love
Clinics. His face and name enwrap the globe. He is at once unknowable, and
yet, you have always known him. His million subliminal appearances in ads
have formed a visual backdrop of your life.
The eye by which you see "Bob" is the same as the eye by which "Bob"
sees you. He watches you back through those endless Dobbsheads. Your eye
and "Bob's" are one and the same - one in seeing, one in knowing, one in
loving, one in hating, One in Selling.
And SLACK is the Free Car Wash that comes with the fill-up of "Bob."
He's the ultimate Good Guy, the Terrorist for Peace out to KICK ASS on
the know-nothings who have HELD YOU DOWN. "Bob" IS the peace that SLACK
hath MADE ALIVE; "Bob" is SLACK, EXTERNALIZED.
"Bob" is the still center of a turning world. He is the Angel of the
Bottomless Pit, the Blood of the Lamb, the Paraclete of Coborca; "THE KEY
TO THE GATEWAY IS HIS PIPE."
"Bob" is the Fool of the Universe and THUS, the only place of ALL KNOW-
LEDGE; "Bob" is the meaning of the Word Without Meaning; therefore "Bob"
is the One True Word.
"Bob" is war, but he is VICTORY without a BATTLE.
He is the laxative of the world and he is the Manna...he is the Great
Work that Sleeps, he is the Silence in the Noise, he is the Infinite Wheel
"Bob" is the Teaching for those who need not be Taught, and those who
must be Taught cannot be taught "Bob." He is his own ultimate secret.
"Bob" is the Phoenix rising from the ashes of the Cleansing Fire of
"Bob" is the Black goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.
"Bob" is Heaven's One True Policeman.
"Bob" is the gun and you are the bullet.
"Bob" is the Sucker who is reborn every minute, yet he is the Money
which that Sucker Spends, and he is the Bank in which that Money is locked.
"Bob" is companionship when there's no one there.
"Bob" is the Ultimate friend, who will NEVER let you down.
"bob" is the Dad you always KNEW you had. "Bob" is the SON every Mom
KNOWS she gave birth to. "Bob" is the UNCLE who told you what "fuck" meant
and "Bob" is the little sister you'll fight any bully to protect.
"Bob" is your Big Brother.
"Bob" is a tree.
"Bob" is you.
and "Bob" IS:("FILL IN THE BLANK")................
WHENCE COMETH THE "BOB"
High in one of the reflectorized glass buildings of downtown Dallas is
the Throne Office Headquarters of First FisTemple Lodge of the Church of
the SubGenius - nerve center for all SubGenius missionary/mercenary activ-
ities. Here "Bob" Dobbs commands the grudging respect of his iron-jawed
men. He's always in the front lines of even the most dangerous mission,
bearing his envied 13013 rating - his license to SMIT the enemy with every
trick weapon at his disposal...like his fabled Rocket Pipe, his Boomerang
Pipe, his Smokescreen Pipe, and the elusive Bobmobile.
With his inborn foolhardiness and his admitted weakness for cards and
women, and iron-jawed men, he's not an office type and is rarely seen in
the musty rooms of deskbound Scribes. After weeks of absence he'll sudd-
enly show up, absorb his briefing almost absentmindedly, and abruptly head
back to that battlefield where no battle lines are drawn. While he's gone,
the Popes anxiously await news, good or bad, on "Bob's" one-man war against
The Conspiracy. Across the desks of his staff daily pour microfilms, coded
messages, tape recordings...and not a few love-notes from the ladies, which
bring red even to the cheeks of his steely-eyed Sales Minister, Dr. Philo
In a World Avatar's life, the totally unexpected is routine. For "Bob",
performing his duty in exotic, faraway places, it becomes second nature.
Some call "Bob" immoral...some call him lucky. The simple truth: even
a busy Living Master has his moments. And "Bob" has more than most.
But who IS this man "Bob"? What strange twist of fate brought him to
crossroads between eternity and the Now?
Dobbs loves to withhold information from his followers, and some of the
following was obtained by less-than-scientific means. Occasionally, we
have perforce used the new "Psychic Journalism" so much in vogue today.
The exact time and place of the nativity of Dobbs is kept secret, of
course, to prevent his astrological chars from being plotted...which, aside
from his hair or fingernail clippings, would be ALL THEY'D NEED to get a
fix on him with their Migraine Machines. However, we can reveal that he
was born and raised somewhere in the Midwest during the Twenties. One Dobbs
Nativity theory holds that he was a fearless child, found in the wilderness
suckling a mother puma. This is most likely a myth and can probably be
discounted as part of the smog of legend which surround this seemingly
His father, an immigrant and descendant of the only Spanish Mayans - who
had maintained a furtive, underground existence in Spain - ran a pharmacy.
His partially anglicized name was Xiuacha-Chi-Xan M. Dobbs, and he appar-
ently died in 1949 in an explosion while mixing chemicals in the back of
"Bob's" mother, and American of Irish descent, was Jane McBride Dobbs,
a relative of the Irish revolutionary hero Arthur McBride. Obviously, "Bob"
doesn't resemble his father in the least, and this has given rise to Jane
Dobbs' reputation as "The Divine Virgin." There is, however, no little
evidence that a mysterious milkman, probably Jewish, was the true Dobbsdad.
Although this man's identity is swathed in the mists of rumor, and Dobbs
has gone to some pains to quash serious investigation, we nevertheless have
good reason to assume that this wandering milkman furnished the true "Bob"
gene. Another question that arises: was he even from Earth? The fact that
most of these people were "undocumented aliens" makes research all the more
END OF CIVILIZATION, OR BIRTH OF A PERFECT BARBARISM?
"Bob's" two younger brothers do physically resemble Mr. Dobbs. They are
the "Weak Brother," Rod, and the "Evil Brother," Judas J. "Jim" Dobbs. The
former works in a canning factory in California, and the latter founded the
infamous Cult of the Mystic Annihilation - fortunately a short-lived
"Bob's" ancient grandfather, N'Xlccx Dobbs, lived with the family and
almost certainly influenced The Child "Bob" with his tales of the Spanish
Mayan Underground and its struggles through 400 years of castigation.
"Bob's" staid father, eager to 'fit in' in America, disliked the old man
"filling the boy's head with revolutionary garbage and stinking Mayan
SOMEONE BIGGER WILL SAVE US
"Bob" grew up fight the stigma of a Mayan dad. Other kids made cruel
fun of that prognathus slopehead of fullblood Mayanry, and though Mr. Dobbs
maintained dignified silence, little "Bobby" was in many a scrap, battling
for his father's honor (it was shortly after receiving a blow to the head
during one of these fights that "Bob" began experiencing precognitive
visions). This troubled childhood had a telling effect on the sensitive
youth, who became - thanks to the pharmacy's wares - a chronic alcoholic at
age 6. It didn't affect his precocious salesmanship, though, and he made
his first small fortune selling stolen prophylactics and pills to high
school boys. This pipe-puffing tousle-headed lad was a world-worn veteran
at age 7 - later, of course, to regain his long lost innocence: a child at
age 40. He claims that when he gave up drinking, he lost his fortune and
"had to come up with completely new sales techniques to regain it."
Even as a toddler, "Bob" had innumerable "invisible playmates" which we
can now recognize as various space and energy beings, both good and evil.
Aided by his main guardian Angel, "Placeeboh," and perhaps by JHVH-1, the
child was able to distinguish the difference. Nevertheless, the constant
harassment by these entities surely contributed to his preschool alcohol-
He also had an early gift for seeing auras on people, which helped him
develop his key sales tool of identifying the "14 Types of Consumers."
Dobbs showed early leadership qualities. He formed his first "cult," the
Ghost Riders Club, with friends at age 5. Age 6 saw the Doc Savage Club,
based on the first pulp hero "Overman." Age 7: The Girl Haters Club. Age 8:
The Girl F---ers Club. Age 9: The Bat Man Club (BEFORE BatMan Comics!).
By the time he reached high school, "Bob" had managed to acquire a law
degree by mail, and secretly opened an office in a nearby town. However,
he was disbarred after a valiant battle to return land rights to a local
Indian tribe...probably Sioux. He is still in close contact with the medi-
cine man of his tribe.
As a teen, despite his winning ways with girls and his renowned sports
abilities, "Bob" was troubled by strange mental tensions and spiritual
raptures involving dreams of indescribable landscapes and sonorous, alien
voices ceaselessly intoning his name as if across the abyss of space. For
a brief period he became a devout Christian and tried memorizing scriptures
but this only worsened the condition. It finally abated after his myster-
ious first semester of college, which as spent at Miskatonic University
in Arkham, Massachusetts.
That was his last brush with higher education. Spurning that path to
knowledge, he joined a group of Sufis and also got involved in the Gurd-
jieff teachings...but he gave up on these as being "too complicated, too
much work." He does still praise the Rosicrucians, but this is because he
learned the lucrative mail-order-cult business from that fraternity. One
secret doctrine that he admits having gleaned from these rival cults is
that any numerical system works magic.
Around this time, he starred in his first film - an amateur production
call JILTED AGAIN which was shot in the obscure 9.5mm format by a friend.
This one-minute silent short depicts an abandoned bride crying at the alt-
ar, then cuts to a grinning "Bob" hopping the next train out of town. On
the heels of this production came his first modeling jobs - a career that
was to continue on and off for the next 20 years.
Just before World War II broke out, Dobbs and two pals - Bubba Smith
and Dub Jones - formed an entirely unsanctified proto-SubGenius scam/reli-
gion strictly as a rip-off scheme. It fizzled miserably - "We made real
idiots of ourselves" - but, ironically, it was shortly thereafter that
he had his first authentic bout with JHVH-1 - his Emaculation.
This most critical episode in "Bob's" life is covered in the chapter
on The Prescriptures, so we will bypass it for now.
The impact on "Bob" on being chosen as the Vessel, the Conduit for the
Word of WOTAN was, at first, devastating. The physical aftereffects alone
almost killed him. In his own words: "After have a Vision like this, it's
like a million hangovers at once. Your head feels like a flashbulb that's
just been popped - warped burning plastic, twisted and blow out... too
much energy blasting through at once. It ruins you for a long time...maybe
forever." (From an interview in Traveling Evangelist Magazine.)
It goes without saying that "Bob" was not ruined forever. The next five
years are the most mysterious of his life, however; they're certainly the
least documented, and "Bob" himself refuses to discuss them. Apparently
he spent much of this time in a state of awe and confusion, testing his
newfound powers. It may well be that in doing so he misused them, which
may account for his reticence regarding this period. We do know that
in 1943 he went to the U.S. Government with the intention of turning these
amazing mystic abilities against the Nazi war machine.
It is a little-known fact that "Bob" was instrumental in the Allied
victory. Most historians are entirely ignorant of Hitler's occult back-
ground as well. The Nazis were being manipulated, through Hitler, by secret
Thule Society magicians, who were pawns of the Hollow Earth dero creatures,
themselves tools of the Space Bankers. Everything Hitler did revolved
around ancient Thule prophecies concerning an Aryan Atlantis.
Using his incredible powers of hypnotic suggestion (which he would in
peacetime turn towards Sales), "Bob" infiltrated the Nazis by posing as
the foretold "Son of Odin, The Purest of The Pure," who would supposedly
help transform Germany into a New Atlantis under the "Northern Fathers,"
or Elder Gods. "Bob" worked his way up through the Reich hierarchy until
he had gained the complete trust of Hitler himself.
The weird "Man in Black" that Hitler described in his writings was
actually "Bob." Hitler said he had met "this New Man who is living among
us... I was afraid of his presence." For good reason. "Bob" was feeding
them all the wrong information. This accounts for the Fuhrer's terrible
strategic blunders during the latter half of the War. "Bob" had Schickel-
gruber looking the other way when D-Day happened, and the tables were
turned on the Axis.
(An interesting historical sidenote: while Dobbs was infiltrating the
Nazis, the fatally wounded gangster Dutch Schultz lay on his deathbed,
mumbling of "Bob" in his famous delirium. One of his ravings, transcribed
by a police stenographer:"Yeah..."Bob's" gonna CRACK DOWN on the China-
man's friends and Hitler's commander." The Chinamen? You guessed it - the
same entities who were using Hitler and his saucer-riding pals in the
Hollow Earth were also whispering into the ear of the young Mao Tse-Tung!)
Winston Churchill said of Dobbs, in a page censored from his memoirs,
""Bob" is a riddle... wrapped in enigma."
After the War, Dobbs entered the phase of his career for which he is
best known. Now understanding true Slack, and working always by accident
alone, he began stumbling from one line of work to another, deliberately
operating without any set plans whatsoever, and thus making a million
dollars every time he screwed up. Just a few of these early business:
selling "miracle paints;" aluminum siding; stocks and commodites; a roofing
scam; a sex clinic; marriage counseling; debt collection; T-shirts; real
estate...he also sold mail order businesses by mail, wrote the phrases on
gumballs and valentine candies, designed Cracker Jack prizes, created a
chain of Sex Novelty Vending Machines for service stations, ran a lottery,
opened a private investigator's office, was a vanity publisher, and even
invented countless non-essential household items that "made good ad copy."
It was right after a stint as a carnival barker at the Wheel of Chance and
the "freak show" tent that he moved simultaneously into his two true loves:
Sales and Religion. (In the midst of all that, he still "found time" to
serve a stint in jail for Mail Fraud, and also played pro football in the
now-defunct Canadian League. Word has it that he used to score touchdowns
MEDITATION AT THE WHEEL
In the 1950's sales was the best game to be in and "Bob" was the best
at it. As a salesman he moved from company to company - except when he
started his own - and no matter what the product or service was, "Bob"
broke all the records. He came into demand as a motivational lecturer, and
his books on selling - all rather clumsily written, as "Bob" will be the
first to admit - were best-sellers. The list of titles is impressive:
LEARNING THROUGH PAIN (1952), SALES - THE BLACKEST ART (1952), SLEEPING
FOR FITNESS (1954), $EX, $ALES, AND $UCCESS (1955), TENDERNESS OR TERROR-
ISM? (1955), TIME CONSUMPTION FOR TIME CONTROL (1956), and his top-seller,
ALL THINGS THAT SELL or THE BOOK OF ALL THINGS (1957).
"Bob's" biggest sale? FLOURIDE TO THE GOVERNMENT. This may disturb some
of our readers. But little did the government know, flouride stimulates
the Food Gland (yes, the foot is actually a gland) so essential to our
proper development once the Xists arrive. He did it for our own good - so
we'd have a piece of the action too when the aliens start turning Subgen-
iuses into OverMen.
"Bob" also had considerable success with a number of homeopathic rem-
edies he learned from his grandfather. Most were herbal medicines, but one
large contraption which sold well combined a pyramid, and orgone accumul-
ator, and a hairdryer to create a box looking much like a Tidican, in which
stress-ridden people were told to sit and sweat until they were purified.
Happy users of the device raised a fruitless uproar when it was banned by
the very Conspiracied A.M.A.
It was in 1955 that "Bob" had his lesser-known Second Major Pre-Vision.
Once again, a great deal of Divine Suffering was involved. But, where some
other great cult leader might get crucified, leave it to "Bob" to come up
with a shortcut - in this case, a hernia operation. So important is this
event to Church dogma that devout followers sometimes display spontaneous
This Vision, in which Dobbs was treated through blinding pain to
"WOTAN'S SLIDE SHOW" of the events from 1998 to around 2175, will be cov-
ered in greater detail in the next Book. But for now, here's a gist as it
affected Dobbs' life.
"Bob" had suffered a relatively painless hernia while attempting to
move a bathtub by himself. When he got to the hospital, the trouble began.
During surgery, after having been insufficiently 'put under' by sodium
pentathol, "Bob's" astral body rose from the operating table and watched
from above while his poor body was hacked and abused by quacks who Dobbs
could now see, in his spirit-world condition, to be demonic entities in
human guise. He returned to his body when the drugs wore off only to enter
a new world of pain he'd never dreamed existed. For 4 days, trapped in a
bed, he was smited and tortured by the AGONY of his crude stitchings and
by the utter embarrassment of an unexpected condition we shan't go into
here. He underwent extreme temptation at the hands of "nurses" who, he was
sure, were also demons.
In this horrible 'Bout' he slid in and out of various time-lags, some-
times abruptly wrenched from one Vision to another as if he were a TV
tube and someone was changing channels. Most of it was a living nightmare
- a twisted, mocking replay of his life, only changed into a Heironymous
Bosch-style parody. Grotesque caricatures of his mother and other loved
ones writhed in hideous travesties of family events.
Suddenly a feeling of absolute peace blanketed him. He was approached
by seven glowing... spirits? Jessi? spacemen? ... who escorted him into
the para-molecular Court of God. here energy and matter swirled and mixed
over a sea of glass and "Bob" gazed into the face of time and space un-
bounded. Infinity itself lay in the center like an ever-hatching egg, with
obtuse intelligences circling it and meshing into sync with it. Extending
from the tiny point that was all of this came a weird pattern - an infinite
chain of logic - a 'book.' Hovering before him, it radiated an intense
'purpose' of some sort, like a force: a powerful 'need' which displayed
yet another infinite, quasi-electric pattern - a 'brain,' a 'map' ... the
root-map of the universe? All forces fluttered around it, yet nothing moved
at all. Deep inside this matrix was the Earth.
"Bob" could see it all, from an overhead viewpoint, and, strangely, in
what looked much like cheap animation as on a Saturday morning children's
TV show. In an overall symbolic panorama of past/present/future which he
also felt, he saw not only is previous incarnations as various winos and
"Other Bobs" dating all the way back to the First "Bob," but also in the
future of Earth, drawn out over thousands of years yet shown in second-by-
second detail. He saw it from the human point of view, from the alien point
of view, from the computer point of view and finally through the Eye of
WOTAN. All in all, he recalls, it reminded him of the Book of Revelation
done by a low-budget cartoon studio.
After going through a few future-life incarnations including an intel-
ligent machine incarnation and one as an Insect Man on some infathomable
planet, he was launched into an utterly pornographic parade of sex rever-
sion hallucinations and pre-human "lust impulsion" remembrances of a most
vivid and arousing nature. He experience a perverted "Rising from the
Dead" back into the real world, where he suddenly found himself in perfect
if crazed health. (A nurse later pressed suit.) "Bob" insists that what he
learned during the last part of the vision made him the great lover and
gigolo he is today.
Many Church Initiates, seeking to become Adepts in the Hierarchy, del-
iberately induce hernias in themselves in an attempt to duplicate "Bob's"
The episode stirred up a renewed and perhaps frenzied interest in the
Church of the SubGenius, which Dobbs had formed some two years earlier in
a half-hearted attempt to placate JHVH-1. Now, "Bob" seemed to take it
far more seriously. He began to recruit carefully selected individuals
from the new world of high finance. There was no hint of our present fierce
evangelism; "Bob" was biding his time, gathering forces and the most power-
ful followers, gradually but relentlessly preparing for that perfect mom-
ent which would come when the Church would be made public.
He worked on developing his powers. He journeyed to Tibet, studied
under the most ascended monks and Yetis high in the Himalayas, and under-
went a sever training program with the guidance of his new friend, Dr. T.
Lobsang Rampa. He stayed in the Forbidden City of Chang Eng, home of a
lost civilization of super-intelligent Yetis; there, crude and highly rit-
ualistic surgery was performed on "Bob" which opened his Third Nostril.
This necessary step in participant evolution, now routinely performed by
the Bobmonks on all newcomers to Dobbstown, involved the inserting of long
bamboo rods into the nose and up to the brain, opening the long-closed
orifice which enable a SubGenius to 'whiffread' the 'pstench' of others.
No less crucial to prepping Dobbs for Avatarhood was his first and
still primary wife, "Connie." She had been his childhood sweetheart in
First Grad. In 1955, more than 20 years later, they remet and married. Her
impact on "Bob" is inestimable. Recently a "Church of Connie's Panties"
has sprung up and is gathering momentum despite it's rather juvenile basic
"Connie" sang with "Bob's" short-lived jazz combo, "Bob" Dobbs and the
Doo-Bops, and gave him five sons: Bubba, "Bobby" Jr., Adam Kadmon, Shem,
and Shaun. there is also a daughter, but the Family Dobbs keeps her name
a secret in order to limit the number of suitors who would try to "marry
into" this awesome dynasty.
Oddly enough it was "Connie" who encourage the "extended family" idea
now practiced by the Church. Although we cannot tell how many 'husbands'
"Connie" has collected, we know that "Bob" now has at least one "Secondary
Wife and Family" in every state of the union as well as 2,952 "Tertiary
Families" spread evenly throughout the world. All of his wives and count-
less children fiercely defend "Bob" as a companion and provider and insist
that he always seems to have plenty of time to spend with them. "Bob"
clones or doubles? If such is the case, it may have some bearing on the
Church by thousands of young people who claim to be bastard children of
"Bob" from extra-marital relationships he was driven to consumate by his
monstrously overactive Foot and Soul Glands.
Meanwhile, "Bob" was moving in the highest levels of The Conspiracy,
secretly recording and photographing everything he could get his hands on,
always listening and learning with the help of a mild Tibetan truth serum.
All of his illusions about 'freedom' and 'America' had long since been
shattered, of course, and the day that he told The Conspiracy "F--- 'em if
they can't take a joke" provides his most cherished memories. Only "Bob"
could have done this, protected as he is by JHVH-1's Hex Field.
Building began on the bunkers and weapons complex at Dobbstown in the
Sarawak Provice of Malaysia, financed in part by Dobbs' land holdings in
Tibet, South America, Antarctica, and especially Nevada. Dobbs' other
interests now included so many multimillion dollar companies that money
became to him more a spiritual concept than a 'need.'
The Smiling One also began buying his way onto the sets of many
low-budget science fiction and horror films. Of his 54 known walk-on
appearances in films - each one involving a few lines of dialog which, one
realizes in retrospect, planted hints of the fantastically interwoven
Conspiracy and alien plots we now fight - the most famous are these:
THE UGLIEST MONSTER (1959), BAD NEWS FROM VENUS (1960), MARS NEEDS WOMEN
(1965), 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957), and ZONTAR, THING FROM VENUS
(1965). A great many of these were shot in Dallas, Texas, where "Bob" had
set up his American headquarters.
Why Dallas? "Because it is a sterile city," says "Bob." "It has to be
clean because the Doktors work there." The fact that The Prescriptures
pinpoint Dallas as one of the few safe places to be during the coming
Eco-Econocataclysm may also have something to do with the selection. It had
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION!
In 1971, Dobbs met a young Dallas man we shall call Dr. X, who became
his drinking partner during "Bob's" renewed bout with the bottle. Together
they wrote a number of now standard rock-and-roll songs under assumed
names, and Dr. X began helping Dobbs locate people to run what would become
the public relations arm of the Church, The SubGenius Foundation. In 1972
"Bob" initiated telepathic contact with the then-down-and-out "Dr." Philo
Drummond, and finally appeared to him in person in 1973. Philo recruited
his friend Ivan Stang, a failed science fiction writer, to help generate
the first Church brochures and propaganda booklets. THe rest is history, at
least to the I.R.S.
Many ask, "Where is "Bob" now?"
He might be performing arcane rituals in Dobbstown, or deciphering
forbidden texts under Incan ruins high in the Andes; he might be lounging
in any of 18 skyscraper penthouses or playing 'tag' in the from yard of one
of his families. He might be up in that great DC-10 jet plane he pilots, or
down on Skid Row giving some bum a haircut. He might be tumbling in bed,
extracting secrets from some Conspiracy wench, or bad guy, or preaching to
the winos in the Dallas drunk tank. It doesn't matter. As long as the smoke
from his Pipe keeps finding its way to Heaven, we on Earth are safe.
1. You talk like this, people think you're crazy. But when they see it WORK
- when your success snowballs INSTANTLY - when your very COOLNESS becomes
intoxicating to them...well, you'll see.
2. The "What Is The Law?" cycle is a holy chant from JHVH-1's Revelation X.
It was worked subliminally into the film, Island of Lost Yeti Women (Smith
3. This information is airbrushed into the hairdos of the members of the
band DEVO on the cover of their fourth album, and is backtracked into the
disco 'muzak' of the Glassmadness album, Do The Sexy "Bob."
4. From the SubGenius Hymnal of Glassmadness by famous glass musician James
Erickson. Lyrics mutated telepathically by the Rev. D. Lee Lama.
5. There was a spate of bizarre deaths throughout the area where Dobbs was
then making his living as an encyclopedia salesman. Bodies were found with
their heads imploded by some mysterious force. Most were laying near their
6. This cult, centered around the undergarments of Dobbs' Primary Mate, was
founded by Senator Jay Kinney after an ecstatic trance in which he claims
to have whiffread the Panties themselves.
7. The rare album Put Your Hands On The Radio by The Pink Boyz, suppressed
by the Rock and Roll Conspiracy, contains the least adulterated of these