Outlawing Nicotine Tommy Wotan BG music
It's ironic, alright... it's rockin' irony... I wake up feeling so good, ready for a new day, and then I read the paper... and pretty soon I have a raging hate-on. This time it was the Conspiracy's brilliant new idea of OUTLAWING CIGARETS IN ALL WORKPLACES and OUTLAWING NICOTINE except by PRESCRIPTION. That's what they mean by declaring nicotine a dangerous drug. Of course it is... sort of like alcohol and donuts, if you eat too many donuts. It IS a brilliant idea on the part of the human ringleaders. The reassure us, "Oh don't worry, this wouldn't happen 'till 95. Oh what a consolation." A pack of Friggies already costs $3 or so... with the new Big Brother P.C. Tax, it'll be $4.50... and now they want to add the New World Order Communized Medicine Drs. OfficeVisit copayment of $30 to renew the PRESCRIPTION or else pay for the FORGED one. BRILLIANT Conspiracy idea. What it'll do is create an entire new GENRE of CRIME. They'll be able to tap your phone to see if you've been purchasing false nicotine prescriptions to reell to your addict cousin... or your MOM.
And hey, let's make it illegal for anybody to smoke inside any workplace. While we're at it, let's make all the people who CUSS or tell DIRTY JOKES go stand outside too, when they need a maintenance hit...along with that quarter of the population that still smokes... that'll be good for productivity. And how exactly do they define a workplace? What about MY workplace? I'm self-employed, office in the home. Does that mean I can't legally smoke inside my own home? What happens if I do? Or does it mean I can't smoke on weekends, when Will O' Dobbs is working there? Will they test Will's urine every week to see if I've been smoking in his workplace? Then what happens? They take away my work permit and make "Bob" fire both of us? That way we become homeles and totally dependent on the Conspiracy Pinks for handouts...
And the nastiest thing about it all is that I HAPPENED to have quit smoking myself recently, and all this holier-than-thou nonsmoker's rights garbage makes me hate nonsmokers so much that it's practically enough to make me go back to smoking again, just to spite THEM. But I won't. I hate the tobacco companies and their interlocking directorate co-owner politicians that I won't.
I guess I went Patch Turkey just in time. Yeah, they'll be able to fire you not only for smoking marijuana in your spare time, but even for smoking cigarets and even Frop. But they will NEVER make alcohol illegal. You drunks don't have a thing to worry about. You're on the winning team. If they tested for HANGOVERS on the job, 50% of our highest paid executives, lawyers, judges, surgeons, elected leaders... they'd all have to be fired. That's why you won't find 'em testing your pee for good old all-American corporate ALCOHOL. It's what makes the Conspiracy go round. It keeps you watching TV and spending your money on bands instead of the GOOD FIGHT and it keeps THEM from feeling GUILTY for taking advantage of everybody else's eagerness to be a PATHETIC SLAVE. They're WINNING right now friend. You're lettin' 'em beat you down. BUT THEY SHALL NEER DEFEAT THE MIGHTY BOB!!!
SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME - Ramones
Yep, back in them days they really knew how to rock out. Back in them days things were different. I WISH. I want to tell you about I guy I met in my youth, The Guy with no Irony in his Life. Oh, before I do that I have to tell you listeners to STOP ORDERING OUR NEW BOOK, REVELATION X! It's FINISHED MOSTLY but Simon & Schuster won't actually have it printed and in stores until FALL. St. Paul Mavrides in still embroiled in trying to get it all laid out and illustrated using the 350 pieces of old and new art by MAY. So don't bother him.
Anyway, back in 1980, before there were 3 SubGenius books, 5 videotapes, a comic book, 30 Media Barrage tapes and 438 Hours of Slack, a CD Rom game... well, back in them days there was just "Bob", Connie, and the very first Church outreach document, Pamphlet #1, entitled the World Ends Tomorrow and you MAY Die. The only two SubGenius Bobbies were me and Dr. Philo Drummond. And we two happened to be a a party of other young folks, yuppie types mostly -- I was well on my way to becoming upwardly mobile, back in them days... burned THAT bridge, that's for sure -- anyway we were handing these brand new pamphlets around and politely prosyletizing strangers. And this one nice looking, nice behaving, kind of nicely hip looking young D Magazine employee type of guy had looked the pamphlet over and said to me, "You know, it seems like this has a lot of IRONY in it." And I kind of went... "Well, yeah... I guess so, hadn't really thought about it." And he handed that pamphlet back to me - that FREE pamphlet back in them days, I might add - and he said, "I don't have much irony in my life." And politely walked away.
And you know dear friends -- I'm a peaceful preacher. I don't want all the Pinks and normal humans to die... I only want them... reeducated. ReBORN in "Bob's" NEW WAY. But I'd kinda like to kill that guy. Because if he has had little or no irony in his life, then he has led a VERY sheltered life, or else he is VERY DUMB, and he has led little or no life, AT ALL. I wanted to collar him like Darkman and say, "Well, HERE'S some IRONY in your life, Mr. Don't Worry Be Happy, just so you'll know what you've been MISSING!!" And then throw him through a plate glass window. It's not that we want to drag these bland pampered fattened zombie corpo-liberal Pink Boys and Hip Wimps down to our level of misery, no no. Nothing like that. This isn't SOUR GRAPES. It's just that as long as THEY think EVERYTHING'S OKAY, THE WORLD WILL CONTINUE TO ACTUALLY SUCK. And, more than that, they simply... DESERVE, by virtue of their UNTHINKING AND UNDESERVED SMUGNESS, to have those selfsame SMUG FACES SMASHED INTO THE BROKEN GLASS AND CONCRETE BASEMENT FLOOR OF THE TRUE TRUTH OF "BOB!""" FOR HE HATH TOLD US WHAT TO DO WITH THEM LEST THEY CAN TAKE A JOKE!!
Here's some irony for ya... as Palmer Vreedeez said the other night, during our daily co-commisserations about how hopeless are our chances of ever making any REAL bucks in this Conspiracy PC-cowardly, Limbaugh-cratic, white bread whining conservative sissy-boy business climate: "We don't practice what we preach, because we can't afford to."
MY BACK PAGES
Down on Us
SubGenius Music Rant Hendrix boot bg
But Rev. Stang, what's wrong with a life devoid of irony? All they guy meant was that he'd played by the rules and had been rewarded with the things every white person expects: good grades, a good regular, not too unchallenging job without any difficult searching or groveling for it, a normal, nice girlfriend without any heartbreak searching through the wrong girls... Isn't that what Slack is all about?
NO! NAY, I SAY!! Because he can't APPRECIATE what he HAS! Slack is WASTED on Pinks. All things GOOD are wasted on them because they are likewise so innured to all things BAD. Or else they have the two TOTALLY REVERSED, all mixed up. What the Pinks NATURALLY ASSUME to be good, we can often see to be INHERENTLY EVIL. Look at music. We hardly need to argue with OUR discerning listeners that GOOD music, like GOOD SubGenius pamphlets, always has an element of irony in it. PINK music is mindless imitative tripe in which everything is all happy, devoid of irony... or all sad and devoid of irony. God knows there's PLENTY of PINK "art" music or Pink Protest music or PINK "underground" music, PINK, INSINCERE doom and gloom dirge music, Flock of Seagulls, Duran Duran type UTTER SWILL... and the reason it's ALL PINK is because it's ALL FAKE. It's MERE MONKEYISH MIMICRY of the massively ironic, cajones-and-ovary-laden SUBGENIUS style music (of any genre) exemplified by the kinds of bands YOU CAN'T BUY IN STORES and just a few that you can.
Ya know, sometimes I want to do Hour of Slack shows entirely dedicated to one certain band or musician, to demonstrate in detail what makes them of a SubGenius rather than a Pink nature. Like a show that focused on Jimi Hendrix, or Captain Beefheart, or Frank Zappa, or Bernard Hermann, or Raymond Scott, or Esquivel, or the Ramones... luckily a nearly endless list. But this isn't exactly a music show, and besides, airtime is SO PRECIOUS to us that we PREFER to spend it on those recordings by UNKNOWN type arteests, those YOU LITERALLY CANNOT HEAR ANYWHERE ELSE. Moreover, we are dedicated here at the Church of the SubGenius to PROVING that, WITH TRUE ADHERENCE TO THE TENETS OF DOBBS, a poverty stricken SubGenius can make FAR BETTER ART using cheap, run down cassette recorders in a basement, than can ANY copycat Canadian rich boy with ALL his 24 tracks, ALL his paid studio hacks and ALL his sugar-daddies and lawyers. (Of course we're talking about the counterfeit SubGenius crap by Bob Dean from Toronto.) But enough of that. Let's get back to reminiscing about the good old days. What we're saying is, rock and roll is here to stay.
COOLLAGE OF OLDIES/Down on Us, Gomers "Slow Ride"
WOTAN REMINISCE --
Philo was like a little old rooster back in them days. back before Philo started the Swingin' Love Corpses and got too FAMOUS to Wotan with his old buds...
Inna Gadda Da Vida
READ DR. MUSIC THEORY
-- Crowd Songs, Dokstok....
Ravages of Rock & Roll rant
Experts have detected a SUBTLE LINK between this modern so-called ROCK MUSIC, and the spread of the evil scourge of DEADLY NARCOTIC DRUGS, like MARIJUANA and even WHIP-ITS, across our land.
BRRT: Drugs & Louie Louie
"Positive" Bob, Christian.... Wei R Doe Slaps it out
Drunk Again... Squids and Nipple Pleasure, Church Stuf... X-day.. White light...
Down on Us, Jim Roche?
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Original file name: HoS 438 Rock & Irony
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