You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!

By John "Cooter" Holland (Cooterholland@Freedomfighter)

You poor pathetic dupes... I try to help you but you just don't get it.
These jerks are just taking you for a ride and loving every minute of it.
I ought to know since I spend half my time just cleaning up the mess they
make of poor innocent kids minds. You guys are being used by the real
conspiracy, The Subgenius Foundation, which is really just two nerds who
are mad at the world because they couldn't score with girls in high school.
You'll wake up one day and realize how rich and powerful you've made these
two worthless scumbags and then you'll be ashamed and embarrassed. Just
keep asking yourself, "What would Mom think?". I really feel sorry for most
of you deluded individuals...I just hope its not too late for some of you
newcomers.

Sincerely,

John "Cooter" Holland

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Subject: Re: You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!
From: Sub0Stang@absolute.zero.kelvin

Hey! I would've settled for being able to score with girls in college.
Well actually it wasn't *that* bad. I just stayed in college until
I felt I had put my fair share of hockey pucks past the goalie.

But this "Cooter" person: this calls for an "unmasking"...

%finger philo@cerfnet.com
[cerfnet.com]
Login name: pd_smith In real life: Philo Smith
Directory: /users/cerfdial/pd_smith Shell: /bin/csh
Last login Fri Nov 18 15:51 on ttyq4 from dial-sdsc.cerf.n
No unread mail
No Plan.

Uhhhhh... Is that sort of like P.D.Q Smith?

%finger drummond@cerfnet.com
[cerfnet.com]
Login name: tdrummon In real life: Thomas Drummond
Directory: /users/cerfnet/dnc/tdrummon Shell: /bin/csh
Never logged in.
No unread mail
No Plan.

As William Burroughs said, "Well, this is insane."

--
Arch-Epopt of the Exploding Head of John F. Kennedy and Luv Priest to the Gods!
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside! J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is my load.
Ob-Bulldada: Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214

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Subject: Re: You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)

Cooterholland@Freedomfighter wrote:

: You poor pathetic dupes... I try to help you but you just don't get it.
: These jerks are just taking you for a ride and loving every minute of it.

Maybe you don't get it, Cooter. Of course we know it. We were told ahead of
time. It's the same old scam that's been around for millennia, but Stang is
honest enough to tell us we're being taken. And we're smart enough to
appreciate that.

I'll wake up someday when the perpetrator of the Master Joke has made good
on it, and I'll LAUGH and LAUGH at the multiplicitudes who thought *their*
Joke Teller really meant it all.

And those 'innocent kids' will be then have rebelled and eaten deeply of
your grey matter, for lo, they are the Yetisyn of the future.

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Subject: Re: You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)

I'd like to show you all the scars I got from the last time I
believed somebody who told me how much they wanted to help me, but
they're INSIDE MY BUTT. If you'll pardon my crudeness. Now I realize
that this sorry Cooter person is trying the best it knows how to be witty
and cute and all, but if you're like me, and I just know you are, you
just feel so sorta sick and sorrowful inside when you see somebody trying
to be funny and only succeeding in being JUVENILE AND MORONIC. Why, you
ask yourself, why do they insist on exposing their pimply buttocks for
all the world to see and thinking they're doing us all a favor? why
don't they have any real ideas? Well, creativity, as opposed to gaining
attention by SLAGGING someone who is ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING requires a
type of mental uniqueness which the vast majority do not have. We are so
fortunate to have people like Duchez, Philo, Stang, Onan, Batrix, Kossy,
etc. who actually think before they write, and actually HAVE SOMETHING TO
SAY other than ME, ME, LOOK AT ME NOW!

None of what I've just said applies to me, personally, of course,
you poor chumps. You're all morons and I'm so superior to you because I
see the truth while you all labor in a quagmire of delusion, so please
pay attention to everything I say about how everybody else sucks.

Your God,

NENSLO
--
nenslo@teleport.com COPYRIGHT NENSLO/KDV 1994 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Send One Dollar to Box 86582 Portland OR 97286 USA

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Subject: Re: You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!
From: tom@nucleus.com (Thomas Terashima)

SubGStang1 (subgstang1@aol.com) wrote:
: I'll say it again, just in case you missed it the first time. It hasn't
: changed any. Lemme tell you about this "COOTER HOLLAND" guy.
[profiles in loser-dom deleted]

: 2) pressing a silly CD on which he blathers about Slack and
: the Media and calls himself Bob Dobbs, the World's Only Philosopher.

This must be yet *ANOTHER* Dobbs imposter, in addition to the fake
Toronto Bob (aka "Media Ecology" Bob). By 1997, there's going to be
DOZENS of Dobbs imposters (and "Connie"/"Garbs" stripper duos doin'
their thing with a live squid)...

: Threatened to "smite" us if we didn't
: give him Dobbs' phone number.

I don't suppose that "Bob" has an E-mail address?

: Tried to burn down the Foundation.

I guess Cooter couldn't get the FBI to do it. In May of 1998, Cooter
will be the "Cult Awareness" spokescritter/Spin Doctor for all the major TV
networks during the (in)famous "ALAMO 2" (tm) stand-off at the SubGenius
Foundation (tm) compound just outside Dallas.

He'll be drumming up support for a
tactical nuclear strike against the
besieged Church Hierarchy (tm).

=W= ///Rev.Cmdr.Tom, sLACk sTATIOn zEBRa (tm)///

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Subject: Re: You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!
From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)

In a previous article, tom@nucleus.com (Thomas Terashima) says:

>This must be yet *ANOTHER* Dobbs imposter, in addition to the fake
>Toronto Bob (aka "Media Ecology" Bob). By 1997, there's going to be
>DOZENS of Dobbs imposters (and "Connie"/"Garbs" stripper duos doin'
^^^^^
>their thing with a live squid)...
>

I'm sorry. I guess I missed this. Who or what is "Garbs"?

This is very important. I can't tell you why.
But you must answer my question.

>I guess Cooter couldn't get the FBI to do it. In May of 1998, Cooter
>will be the "Cult Awareness" spokescritter/Spin Doctor for all the major TV
>networks during the (in)famous "ALAMO 2" (tm) stand-off at the SubGenius
>Foundation (tm) compound just outside Dallas.

It'll be called "Alamo III: the second Waco."

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Subject: Re: You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!
From: rwo@raptor.eng.ufl.edu (That Pope-Hatted Man)

Sternodox <glatter@delphi.com> writes:
:Additionally, you need a copy of Poop Dog Comix, Available from ME (Rev.
:Sternodox) at 824 W. 7th, Little Rock, AR 72201. Send $$ or N.P.

Master! You've come back!

(my favorite character in the original _Dracula_ movie. The twerpy
little mad man. Another fav line: "He promised me RATS! A MILLION
rats!")

How much money should I send? Be honest now.

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Subject: Re: You Poor WITLESS DUPES!!
From : Rev Ivan Stang.

DON'T BE FOOLED! You poor witless dupes!! That's not Sterno, it's Cooter
Holland! He's somehow figured out a way to hack himself Sterno's email
address. You CAN get the bootleg Poop Dog Vomix from him, though. I think
they're $50. Well worth it, yeah, sure! Incidentally, Cooter Holland is not
to be confused with Rev. CORDT Holland, a TRUE SubGenius and a nice guy.
"COOTER" is the nickname, an apt one I might add, of an entirely different
Holland, no relation I'm sure. Cooter is basically homeless, but migrates
between Little Rock, Dallas and St. Louis, freeloading off innocent
SubGeniuses for awhile, scamming them for money and then splitting town.
This guy will stop at NOTHING to discredit and embarrass the Church. It's
pretty hard to embarrass this Church, or Dobbs, but Cooter Holland has
managed to. Don't mistake him for Pope Sternodox, a MODEL SubGenius!!!

Rev. Ivan "The Detective" Stang

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