LETTERS TO/FROM STANG
Dear Mr. Reverend Stang,
My mommy says that you are all satanists who are going
to burn in hell for all eternity. That is so cool!
Do you like to wear black robes and chant and sacrifice
people and neat stuff like that? When I grow up, I
want to be a high priestess in your cult.
Kimberly (age 14)
We are not Satanists. We do, however, like to wear
black robes and chant and sacrifice people. But we
also like to wear spandex and leather with chains, or
dress up like superheroes, or sometimes put on clothes
just like what you might wear to school.
I thought you might like to know that your mother is
really an evil space alien who plans to fatten you up
and eat you. But don't do or say anything that would
let her know you know. If you send me $30, I will
do my best to protect you from her with a "magical
Your only friend,
Rev. Ivan Stang
The Quorum of 12
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Salt Lake City, UT
Dear Reverend Stang,
Through our intelligence branch, we have learned about
your secret experiments in the cloning of sheep.
If you are willing to share the data we would be more
than glad to offer you appropriate compensation. We can
assure you that this is not for any impolite reason,
and certainly not so we can have sex with them, but just
to enhance the size and diversity of our flocks.
I am sure that you are aware that this is a very sensitive
subject with us, with all of the "Mormon/Sheep" jokes
going around. We would be grateful for your discretion in
On a side note, we would also appreciate it if you and your
friends would stop dressing your sheep up in ladies' intimate
undergarmets and parading them lewdly near our church
facilities during religious services. This has already caused
much grief among some of our more devout parishioners, especially
the women who are very embarrassed by the behavior of their
5th in Succession
The Quorum of 12
Dear Brother Snow,
I will neither confirm or deny any allegations about sheep.
However, it has been brought to my attention that descendants
of both Joseph Smith and Brigham Young (unnamed) have joined
the Church of the SubGenius. Therefore, BY YOUR OWN RULES,
all of their ancestors and followers are henceforth under our
As the new leader of the Mormon Church, I hereby order that all
of you ex-Mormons, now SubGenii, will send a $30 registration
fee to my office immediately, or all previous sacraments that
you have received (baptism, marriage, etc.) will be declared
null and void, and you will automatically be condemned to
If you are lucky, I might use YOU as my caddy.
Do it now, That is an order,
Rev. Ivan Stang
Your New Boss
The Law Offices of
Noble & Barnes
Attorneys at Law
Because of your successful evasion of our subpeona against you
as a material witness in our lawsuit against your organization,
"Bob's Christian Auto Repair & Leasing v. The Church of the
SubGenius," the case has been dismissed by the presiding judge.
However, there is still the matter of the three process servers
who we believe were deprived of their civil liberties by your
organization while attempting to carry out their legal duties.
One of them still responds violently to the sound of a phone
ringing, pulling down his pants and screaming "Air Raid," then
assualting the nearest person with what is commonly called a
"wedgie." The other two are in far worse condition.
While we have no direct evidence of your having manipulated
any of them, due to their associated memory loss, you can rest
assured that we will do everything in our power to instigate
proceedings against you and your organization in the future
as the opportunity presents itself.
You cannot escape justice!
Dear Mr. Barnes:
This letter is being sent to your home address, as you are
no doubt aware that your business and personal assets have
been seized for failure to remit the $30,000 per hour or
fraction thereof which you refused to pay me for the service
of reading your unsolicited correspondence.
I was amused to hear that your bankrupcy case had been
referred to Rev.(SG) Judge Vladimir Dzugashvilli, and that
he has declared the proceedings to be of a Chapter 7
(liquidation) rather than the more liberal Chapter 11
(reorganization) nature. I further enjoyed the fact that
he has assured you that no debt relief will be forthcoming.
I will advise you not to protest the fact that I have been
appointed trustee of your account, as the Judge seems to
have little tolerance for levity in his court. But I give
you my personal guarantee that I will do my best to provide
a fair and equitable dissolution of your assets.
Rev. Ivan Stang (trustee)
Dear Rev. Stang,
Pope John John Paul Paul II II
NO, YOU SUCK!
Rev. Ivan Stang
P.S. See you for poker on Tuesday. The Dalai Lama said
he would bring the brewskies.
DIRECTOR, U.S. SATINT PROGRAM
NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY
REVEREND IVAN STANG
CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
WE ARE STILL EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH
ALIEN DOWNLOADS. PLEASE REQUEST THEY REDUCE XMISSION
SPEED BY 70%.
I AGREE WITH YOU. REALAUDIO IS BETTER.
ALSO, CIA AGT IS GETTING NOSY. SHALL WE KILL HIM?
MY BEST TO THE WIFE.
I keep telling you, the problem is in your platform.
How do you expect to use alien plug-and-play if you
insist on using DOS? And don't give me that Win95
crap either. MAC is still better.
I talked with JP II and D.L. the other day, and they
agreed with me that a lobotomy would be better. Make
it look like an accident.
Secretary to His Highness
The Most Exalted Sultan of Brunei
Reverend Ivan Stang
Church of the SubGenius
Dear Reverend Ivan Stang,
We appreciate your interest in the health and well-being
of His Highness the Most Exalted Sultan of Brunei, and
of His Highness the Crown Prince.
However, the Royal Physician has advised us that since
your last vacation outing with His Highness the Crown
Prince, an unexpected medical condition has persuaded
His Highness the Most Exalted Sultan of Brunei to deny
His son, His Highness the Crown Prince, Royal authorization
for any more unchaperoned visits. (This would also preclude
any possibility of illegitimate offspring who in the future
might lay claim to His Highness the Most Exalted Sultan of
Bruneis' Title or Royal Estates.)
We trust that you will honor His Majesty's wishes in the
P.S. His Highness the Crown Prince insists that I include
an inquiry as to the state of several individuals of your
mutual acquaintance: Bambi, Barbi, Candice, Ingrid, Nanci,
Kelli and Nelli (the twins), Janice, Immaculita, Maria,
Stephanie, Madame Leather; and a gentleman by the name of
Mr. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
Too late. Baby. Sorry about your kid getting the clap.
Rev. Ivan Stang
Soon to be a godfather
Original file name: TO/FROM STANG
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