You Are Now In
The Very CLUTCHES of
SILENCE, EARTH FOOL!
Everything else on this website is POINTLESS until you have learned about
X-DAY -- JULY 5 1998!
Once you are sure you understand X-Day, then you may proceed deeper into the website.
This is your gateway to an alternate universe, a superior dimension -- the world of Dobbs Awareness, compactly encapsulated in but a few thousand pages of art and text. Many chain-gangs of DobbsDrones and Bombies have given of their Slack to bring to your screen everything SubGenius, from the most ancient, creaking STARK FIST OF REMOVAL print-zine reprints to the most recent battle reports from the infamous alt.slack newsgroup. You have MANY CHOICES herein, and each one leads to untold hundreds more... SO WEIGH YOUR OPTIONS CAREFULLY. Remember, YOU MAY NOT COME OUT! You might wisely decide to peruse our DISCLAIMERS AND WARNINGS before proceeding any further.
YOU MUST NOW CHOOSE. EVERYTHING hangs in the balance. Such is the Way of Dobbs.
(The CHURCH NEWS UPDATES page holds notices and links to new or otherwise immediately pertinent material.)
EYES of "BOB"
You'll CRAP your SLACKS when you truly "SEE" what Dobbs hath wrought through
the hand-eye coordination of his followers (i.e., his "tools"). Enough downloadable
VISIONS, VIDEOS and VITREOL to crash your hard drive for GOOD this time. HERE,
try THIS MERE SAMPLE (by Rev. John
The EARS of "BOB"
Sing along with Dobbs until your THROAT BLEEDS! Includes ear-knifing RealAudio
radio, downloadable binaries, links to your Fave Cool AntiMusic Bands, and
the KEYS to SUBGENIUS RADIO ACCESS!
The Hall of GOODS
Finally, we get down to BUSINESS! THE SUBGENIUS ONLINE CATALOG: Price List of the Gods, your source for great official Church videos, tapes, books, T-shirts, YOU NAME IT! PLUS: Other Mutants (ads and personals from your fellow SubGenius vendors), and ENDLESS REVIEWS of groovy Short Duration Personal Saviors and Designer Messiahs in every medium. Lists of Required Reading, Listening, Viewing, Squirting. You'll Never Be Bored Again -- IF you have enough money!!
Websites of the Gods
Seek Out Your Own Kind... and be prepared to deal with the consequences.
The Hall of ANSWERS
New screen-blistering RANTS and in-depth
ARTICLES from The Stark Fist
Online! The Best of Alt.Slack! FAQs 'n SLAQs!
Revelation-X out-takes! Things
to Think, Know, See, Say and Do! Archives of
Classic SubGeniania including The
Book of the SubGenius, Stark
Fist back issue reprints, and ALL of the anthology 3-Fisted
Tales of 'Bob'! Also: Webberized Encyclopedia of the Gods, Paths to Slack,
and Practical Anti-Conspiracy Weapons! New Scriptures, recent 'Bob' sightings,
secrets of X-Day... and some tummy-ticklin' recipes for the adventurous chef.
The Hall of QUESTIONS
Probe the mind(s) of Dobbs himself for everything you truly NEED to KNOW.
Just remember: "Bob" is not THE answer, and neither is anything else.
Hall of SEXHURT
PATHS TO PORNOLOGY
Everything you have ever done throughout your entire life has been building up to THIS -- your chance to view those very Web pages that your Mom warned you about, those TABOO SECRETS which THEY would rather KILL YOU for being INTERESTED IN than LET YOU LEARN!! There will be a slight charge for this service.
The Hall of SCIENCE
and Hot-Headed Naked Ice Borer Preserve
FINALLY FINISHED!! Our "flagship" Hall. How the Universe Began, and Must
End... Time Machines... How to Build
A Home Electric Chair... HEALTH ADVICE
you Can't Live Without... Philo's True History
of The SubGenius Experience in Amerikkkkkkka... volumes of handy illegal COMPUTER
TRICKS... but best of all, EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT
PRAIRIE SQUID MATING HABITS, BONOBO/YETI
SEXUAL TECHNIQUES, AND THE LOCAL AVAILABILITY OF FACE FUCKING BAT SPERM ANTIDOTE
The Hall of BULLDADA
Rival Kooks We've "Known" and Loved, High Weirdness by Mail-2, Motel of the Gods... KKKool Krackpots and Kristian Krazies! Secrets of the UFO! Mondo InterNut!
The Hall of MINDLESS FUN
Make Yourself SICK with PLEASURE! 4-Fisted
Tales of "Bob"! Vivid prurient voyeuristic accounts of ACTUAL
SubGenius Devivals... AS THEY HAPPENED! Games, trivia
and Quizzes! Shameless letters
and confessions from the Flock! And even (as a break from the dreadful
seriousness)... a zany, rib-ticklin' Humor
The Hall of EVILS
Cavern of Conspiracies... The House of Hate... The Zoo of Missing Links... True Bummers: politics, evil rival kooks, inside-Church rumors and gossip... and the meanest, most heartless flaming in all the vast reaches of cyberspace. PLUS: Sterno's Corner!
The Men's Room
Your only source for Face Fucking Bat Sperm Antidote Pudding.
Strap on your information catheter and be flushed down the digital sewer.
The Ladies' Room
Women's Issues and Prairie Squid habitat.
Learn how to attend and partake of LIVE online Church Worship Meetings and Sunday Night Devivals in
SUBGENIUS IRC 'CHAT' LAND
Not for Children
Sacrifice your will, sign away your soul and smash your brain FLAT at
of the Cathedral of Slack!!
STARK FIST OF REMOVAL: ONLINE
Address all correspondence, submissions, supplications, prayer requests and donations to The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., PO Box 140306, Dallas, Texas, USA 75214; e-mail email@example.com; fax 214-320-1561. We are irresponsible with unsolicited contributions. DEALERS PLEASE INQUIRE FOR BULK RATES. Subscribers must inform this office of any change of address; failure to do so jeopardizes the subscriber's sole chance for Transfiguration and planetary escape on July 5, 1998.
Fist-City by Stang; TV by Modemac; all other art this page
by IrRev. Friday Jones.