THE RIPTURE or the Misplaced Earth

From: "The Right Rev. El Bonobo Bandito" <>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Jul 5, 2009 9:53 AM

There has been an incident.

At precisely 3:54 AM PDT (6:54 AM EDT) One Sean Randel Holey showed up
at my back door, pursued by strange bulky men with short horns on the
backs of their hands, yellow eyes, and fedoras pulled down to conceal
their faces.

Sean Randel Holey died falling off a cliff in the Chocolate Mountains
on X-Day 1998. I went to his funeral. I saw his corpse. I saw them
put him in the ground.

But here he was, pounding at drive way door eager to get in...let him
in and we held the door against the strange men with the yellow eyes
and little horns on the back of their slightly scaly hands...and
really bad breath.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Paris Radisson Kat was trying to enjoy a
cup of Coffee. Sean's sudden appearance put her in a tizzy, and she
leaped twelve feet diagonally into the air, with the cup of coffee
clutched to her paws.

Right onto my switched off, per X-Ist Request, Modal Sifter.

She landed first, slapping the Modal Sifter into the On-Ready Mode
with her right paw. As she saw the cup of coffee coming toward her
coffee first, separating from the cup in free fall, she fate-shifted
suddenly five feet to the left and at the same height, where no table
was set, upside down, but still managed to land with four feet on the
floor...then dashed under the day bed in the Nerd Museum and Sewing

As the cat fled to safety the coffee hit the model sifter, which in
the On-Ready state flashed to a blinding PINK and began to throb and
pulsate. Then the Cup hit the Modal Sifter, cracking it, and
shattering the coffee cup which had the Grand Unification Theory
Formulae inscribed on it.

A Flickering Pink Quagma oozed from the Modal Sifter.

This all in the span of two minutes.

At 3:56 AM PDT (6:55 AM EDT) there was a sudden blinding PINK FLASH.

After which the Modal Sifter,the shards of the coffee cup, and Sean
Randel Holey were gone. As well as the "Strange Men" pounding on the
Drive Way door.

Though Sean had vanished, he'd left his own Black Leather Trench Coat
behind. I found current ID for him with an Indio Address in it.

I stood stunned as 4:05:03 AM PDT rolled around (7:05:03 AM EDT) heart the last time a Modal Sifter and Sean Randel Holey had
been involved, with a Sifter Breaking, bad things had happened. I had
been hurled into a WORLD WITHOUT BOB for nearly ten years as a result
of the last event.

I quickly fired up my Interociter to contact the X-ists.



Space Static.

Using the seldom accessed features of the Interociter for determining
Absolute Position I tried to track the X-ist Attack flee via their
Hyper Drive Wake Signature.

Also Nothing.

And the Absolute Positioning features showed me what had to be
impossible, or a malfunction.

Called up my Gravity Positioning Dark Matter Viewing Galaxy
Mapper...and everything was totally DIFFERENT out to 10 Billion Light
years...the limit of that technology.

After nearly two hours I have come to an unwelcome Truth.

We are no longer where we were.

But we appear to be in the same universe.

Checked and rechecked the figures half a dozen times and have come to
this conclusion from all available data.

A Spherical Volume ten light years across centered on the Earth was
Translated out of Our Native Galaxy and dropped into a gap between
Spiral Arms in a very distant galaxy.

On the order of

456,397,650,400,343,275.327 Light Years.

That's Four Hundred Fifty Six Quintillion
Three Hundred Ninety Seven Quadrillion
Six Hundred Fifty Trillion
Four Hundred Billion
Three Hundred Forty Three Million
Two Hundred Seventy Five Thousand
Point Three Two Seven


At their Top Speed, if they can even find us, it will take the X-ist
Attack Fleet 6,552 years for them to get here in the year 8661.


Granted the incident with the Modal Sifter was an "Accident" the
appearance and translation to my Drive Way Door of an Analog of Sean
Randel Holey was a deliberate act of someone playing with a time
control device during the X-ist Pre-Landing Moratorium on such

In light of this situation I am putting my Ministry on Hiatus and
reactivating the Jaycat/Estea Time/Space Centre...I'll just have to go
harvest more 482nd Century Tech from the Ruins of Chollas
Station...and determine if there's away to sift the local neighborhood
of stars BACK to our own home Galaxy...before LIGHT catches up to us
in ten years and suddenly the night sky looks totally different.

On the other handShaving ALIEN night skies SUDDENLY appear ten years
from now might freak out the PINKS enough to believe that there's
something to this SubGenius Stuff.

On top of all this, now I have to drive out to Indio in the summer
heat and check out this address on Sean's IDS

Have Patience...we will get HOME, one day.

And then get Properly Ruptured


Formerly Known as The Right Rev. El Bonobo Bandito.

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