X-Day 12, part 3: On to Saturday Night

From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>
Date: Sun, Jul 12, 2009 8:50 PM

Damn, this is taking longer than I thought! But despite the slow
progress, I'm trying to get as much of it into writing as I can before
it's forgotten.

Saturday dawned with sun, clouds, and a cool breeze...but NO RAIN!
What's more, when the sun came out, we finally began to get a taste of
what a sunny day at Brushwood is like. However, the ground around my
tent was still soaked, as were my sneakers. I'd brought an extra pair
of sandals to wear in order for my feet to dry off; however, the
sandals weren't designed for walking easily on the rough
dirt-and-rocky roads of Brushwood. Every year at X-Day, I end up
developing blisters on my feet that makes it difficult to walk, and
this was why I'd brought that walking stick with me this year.
However, the muscles in my feet were aching at this point (outdoor
veterans call this condition "trench foot"); and by 10:00 AM on
Saturday I couldn't take it any more. I committed a greivous sin
against Brushwood and against "Bob:" I left the campground, drove to
Wal-Mart, and bought a pair of cheap, DRY sneakers to get me through
the rest of the weekend. After that, walking was much easier.

On Thursday, I'd managed to get a number of Yeti to sign my stick, and
over the next couple of days, the stick found itself covered from head
to toe with SubGenius scrawlings. But Saturday was also the day that
many other SubGenius plans came to fruition, and we would see them
throughout the rest of the day.

But first, we kicked off our final day on the planet Earth with the
traditional holy celebration of PANCAKES FOR "BOB!" Reverends Vec and
Ennie (Ennie Ennie Ennie Ennie!) provided the holy hotcakes for all
mutants...and as happens every year, "Bob" miraculously kept the
batter flowing until every SubGenius palate was satisfied. And as he
does every year, Reverend Skull's scrapple toss frightened the
newcomers, who wondered whether we were supposed to actually EAT his
scrapple or do something else with it. It wouldn't be X-Day without
Pancakes For "Bob," and I'll gladly say here that Vic, Ennie, and
Skull's efforts are very much appreciated...not to mention delicious.

From here, the second Live Hour of Slack gave Reverend Stang and Dr.
Hal the chance to exercise their gifts of gab once again, while the
assembled mutants made their preparations for the festivities that
would take place that evening...including the fabled SubGenius gang
war. A golden pod appeared in the rafters of the main pavilion, the
purpose of which would be discovered later.

And the wallets of the SubGenii were opened, and the money flowed like
water, and the Sacred Swag was sold at a breathtaking pace that made
"Bob" grin with delight. And it was good. And it was horny.

(At this point, I suddenly discovered a young pagan who had made a
name for herself at an earlier X-Day -- young Hayley, who at the age
of four had proven herself to be truly worthy of "Bob." I'd been
wanting to give her a SubGenius T-shirt ever since her previous
appearance at X-Day, and I was glad to have the chance to finally make
good on this offer today.)

But then, as the clocked ticked away towards the oncoming Rupture,
this Saturday afternoon saw the introduction of something that happens
every year at X-Day...something that infiltrates our enclave and
sparks rumors and flames in a different way, every year. And that,
alas, is the DRAMA.

However, I must confess that if you want a detailed look at the DRAMA
from this year, you'll need to ask someone else. I go out of my way
to avoid the DRAMA when possible, and I only found about it after it
had climaxed. What I *did* see on Saturday afternoon was something
that surprised me, but not necessarily in a bad way. That something
was...a second Megaphone! The job of manning the Sacred Bullhorn
somehow fell on my shoulders a few years ago, and I've been in that
role ever since. Maybe it's the way I enjoy fondling the megaphone,
pressing it against my lips, running my hands over its hard
length...err...ahem. Anyways, I make a point of announcing the
official pronouncements of "Bob" (and Stang and Pisces) to keep the
SubGenii up to date on the latest events. But as I made my way across
the field that afternoon, what did I see and hear but another person,
shouting announcements into a second megaphone!

This meant WAR!

(Actually, I didn't mind the competition. The honest truth is that I
wasn't upset in the slightest, because this was X-Day...and if you
can't be bothered to take some jokes at your expense, you'd better not
dish 'em out. And if there were complaints about this second
bullhorn, then no one told them to me. I did not hear anything about
what happened regarding this second megaphone until much later that

Then, as the sun shones brightly over the fields of Brushwood, the
assembled Superior Mutants gathered to wash their souls -- and their
meat shells -- at the Sacred "Bob"-tism! Of the many events,
blasphemous rituals, and bonds forged at X-Day, the "Bob"-tism is
likely the most mysterious of them all. Rumours and whispers of the
"Bob"-tism have abounded on the Web, and this is because this ritual
goes against many of the laws of nerdy geekdom. For, my brethren and
sithren, it is indeed true that there are many BEAUTIFUL NAKED WOMEN
at the Sacred "Bob"-tism -- and yet, thanks to the will of "Bob" and
the enforcing of his laws by the duty-bound SubGenii, naked pictures
of these women are almost never leaked onto the World Wide Web. On
4chan, the golden rule when talking about naked events is: "Pics or it
didn't happen!" If that is true, then the Sacred "Bob"-tism may be
naught but a legend, or a sausage fest...for who would believe so many
Connie-blessed visions of the UberFemme would gather in the midst of
so many horny guys? And yet, it happened -- and it happens every
year! There were so many Male and Female SubGenii there at the
"Bob"-tism that it took the combined efforts of Reverend Stang and
Doctor Legume to cleanse them all...and despite Legume's rule that he
would (almost) only "Bob"-tise beautiful women, there were still
enough luscious sex goddesses there for Stang to have his way.

Meanwhile, as the "Bob"-tism took place, Lonesome Cowboy Dave was
conducting interviews with the sundry Yeti. Reverend Stang posted a
commentary on this to alt.slack on Sunday, July 12th: "Lonesome Cowboy
Dave, Priestess Pisces, iDRMRSR and othar Others who were involved in
this particular Bobtism-related Horror will be glad to know that the
recording IS as funny as you remember, and is safe and sound. It is at
least 40 minutes. It requires some careful volume-correction, as Dave
is an... intuitive... mic wielder, to be charitable. But he is a GREAT
interviewer and some of the smart-ass comments he got are really
wonderful. He and Pisces do a sort of...running commentary that must
be heard to be fervently disbelieved."

The "Bob"-tism's success was announced over the bullhorn to the
denizens of Brushwood: "Attention, pagans! The 'Bob'-tism is
complete, and the SubGenii have been endowed with their very own Short
Duration Personal Virginities. If you want to perform any ceremonies
that require virgin sacrifices, then now is the time for you!" Not
that those ShorDurPerVirs would remain virgins for long, however...for
we had made sure that the innocent would be slaughtered shortly
afterwards, as Dr. K'Taden Legume led his warriors into the SubGenius
Gang War! Not since the 1998 Battle of Armageddon has there been such
a day in the annals of the Church -- when weapons of war found new
uses in the hands of resourceful Yeti, and the roads (and mud puddles)
of Brushwood ran red (and Pink) with the blood of the fallen warriors.
The final day of the planet Earth ended with blood, but the true
victor in this mighty battle was, and always will be, "Bob." And the
warriors feasted on cooked flesh (provided once again by Reverends
Jim, John, and Eggplant), and the booze flowed like water, and the day
was won.

Then Reverend Angry Larry ensured that the last of the virgins at
X-Day would not remain virgins before the Rupture arrived, as he led
the assembled throngs in a SubGenius Mass Marriage! The sight of so
many assembled mutants gathered with their chosen mates -- or at least
their chosen objects of fornication -- was enough to make the blood
boil, the hormones overflow, and the erogenous zones belch forth vast
amounts of Orgozmonic radiation. (If you don't believe me, let me
tempt you with the image of Reverend Bunny Day and Reverend Dildo Val
marrying each other...with the assurance that their marriage, along
with all others, would be comsummated shortly afterwards in the eyes
of "Bob" and Connie.)

With the Mass Marriage completed and only the night's festivities
ahead of us, we did what "Bob" wanted us to do the most -- we spent
money. The second act of the Bulldada Auction unfolded, and here I
must pause for a moment to lavish praise upon the lovely Popess
Pantiara Evokovitch. For she, of all the mutants who had donated
their crap for the Auction, put her money where her mouth (and bottom)
was, and she made sure her earnings for the Auction were donated
directly to the legal fund of Reverend Magdalen. Not only did Popess
Pantiara donate her very own panties to Magdalen's cause, she went
above and beyond the call of duty this weekend...especially the next
day, when she donated more than just her panties. But tonight, her
panties were the focus of attention of many lust-crazed SubGenii, who
outdid themselves bidding for her silken treasures...until Reverend
Eggplant outbid them all, and won the treasured panties with a mighty
bid worthy of a true SubGenius. (He then wore her panties over his
head for the rest of the night.)

And this portion of the Bulldada auction continued where last night's
auction had left off...except that it was even more profitable, and
the items of Bulldada were even more valuable (and worthy of scorn and
derision). Before the memory fades, I must commit to writing one
moment of the auction that deserves to be remembered...

Among the items that were up for bid were several pagan items donated
by my lovely wifey. One of these items elicited gasps of awe from the
audience: none other than the NECRONOMICON TAROT itself. Yes, the
author of the latest version of the Necronomicon, Donald Tyson, had
adapted that infernal tome into a tarot deck...and when it was laid
bare for the SubGenii to behold, a look of admiration and greed was
seen especially on the face of our resident H.P. Lovecraft expert --
Morose, a.k.a. Doctor Holocaust.

But, alas for Morose, this treasure was not his for the taking. For
as the auction proceeded and the bids for the unholy tarot deck were
levied, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that a group of pagans,
far across the field, had taken notice. Over by the North Stage
(where Dr. Dark's drive-in usually takes place, during drier weather),
some pagan campers were busy preparing their wares for the upcoming
Sirius Rising and Starwood festivals. But at this moment, one person
and his girlfriend were staring across the field, straight at us --
and even from that distance, I could sense his astonishment. He
descended from the North Stage and began walking in our direction;
then, when it became apparent that this really was the Necronomicon
Tarot up for bids, he broke into a full run and raced across the field
to our location. He rushed up towards the stage, and breathlessly
added his own bid for the tarot deck -- and he WON! For a price that
I'll not reveal (lest it bring the curse of the Great Old Ones upon
him), he took the Necronomicon Tarot from our hands, and brought it
away for safe keeping.

And the night was still young! The mysterious golden dome revealed
itself now as a SubGenius prank, as Reverend Dildo Val grabbed my
walking stick and proceeded to smash the pinata with blows worthy of a
warrior priestess. The pinata brst open and was found to be full
of...crickets? It appears that the Conspiracy had pulled a
bait-and-switch on us, for the anticipated treasure contained in the
pinata turned out to be a treasure that only be valuable AFTER the
Rupture, when Pinks would be scrounging for food and having naught but
crickets and locusts to eat.

But when it came to eating, the next sight was enough to make any
onlooker want to swear off food until the end of the world. Reverend
Sinphaltimus Ex Mortus and Lord Sloth used the final night before the
Rupture to reach a new level of debauchery -- with the EAT THE HELL
OUT OF A COOKIE contest! The recordings of this disgusting
competition are archived at YouTube, and I encourage you to seek them
out -- for where else but at X-Day will you see two crazed New Yawkers
stuffing the equivalent of OVER ONE HUNDRED OREO COOKIES EACH into
their mouths over the course of little more than two or three

At this point, a screen of anonymity was raised on the stage, in order
for the secretive band FREAK-ACHE to perform for us. The only thing I
learned about that band was that they insist on being anonymous --
even to the point that when their set was done, I never saw or heard
from them again. Which is a pity, because they played some cool
ambient-rock tunes!

And the revelry proceeded into the night...even to the point where we
saw an encore performance by Phat Man Dee. Not only did she entreat
us to another memorable concert...she was also backed up by the sudden
appearance of Anonymous Naked Girl! Several mutants will testify that
this was the highlight of their entire X-Day (save only the Rupture),
for this creature of beauty (who, sadly, was obviously under the
influence of something other than the sacred 'frop herb) treated them
to moves and touches the like of which they have only read on
alt.sex.stories. I was afraid that she might steal the show away from
Phat Man Dee, but the dear hostess took it in stide and even gave her
credit for her performance.

(At this point I should state that, even though I was ostensibly the
security person assigned to keep order at the stage, I was in a
quandry of how to handle this situation. A guy my age could NEVER lay
his hands on a naked girl of that sort, due to possible
repercussions...but fortunately, Reverend Angry Larry's Wife had no
restrictions of that sort. I thank her enormously for help in keeping
Anonymous Naked Girl from causing harm to anyone, especially herself.)
The High Weirdness Project


Subject: Re: X-Day 12, part 3: On to Saturday Night
From: Pisces <KVanHall@gmail.com>

On Jul 13, 9:00 am, "Morose, aka Doktor Holocaust"
<Chibithu...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Jul 12, 8:50 pm, Modemac <mode...@modemac.com> wrote:
> > (At this point I should state that, even though I was ostensibly the
> > security person assigned to keep order at the stage, I was in a
> > quandry of how to handle this situation. A guy my age could NEVER lay
> > his hands on a naked girl of that sort, due to possible
> > repercussions...but fortunately, Reverend Angry Larry's Wife had no
> > restrictions of that sort. I thank her enormously for help in keeping
> > Anonymous Naked Girl from causing harm to anyone, especially herself.)
> there was even some confusion amongst the audience during Anonymous
> Naked Girl's interpretive dance routine - Mistar Sistar and I thought
> she was part of the show up until we saw Pisces leading her away to
> find some clothing

she thought she was part of the show too. But no one else did.

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