X-Day 2009, part 1: The Deluge

From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 8, 2009 5:44 PM


However, I mean cool in terms of temperature. The Conspiracy has
worked overtime to suppress our mighty Church in these final days,
including subjecting the East Coast of the United States to unending
rain and thunderstorms for the entire month of June. By the time I
embarked on the sacred pilgrimage, I was SICK AS HELL of all the
goddamn rain. But Brushwood was ahead! At last, "Bob" would smile on
us and we would be blessed with good weather in the final days before
the Rupture!

Well, sort of.

But despite the pouring rain, we STILL managed to pull off yet another
FANTASTIC X-Day! Yes, we're stuck on this planet once again for
another yearSyet, it still did NOT rain on the morning of July 5th!
This is one of those miracles of "Bob" that have amazed me each
yearSespecially this one. There has NEVER been rain at Brushwood as
the SubGenii gathered for the final time. We can only see if next
year, X-Day XIII (the Lucky Number!) continues our unbroken streak.

But the rain certainly put a damper on things for much of the time
before The End. Even the nine-hour drive to Brushwood was difficult
to predict, as I would literally drive through periods of sunshine,
only to face driving sheets of rain barely one minute later. This was
not enough to keep me from reaching my goal, however, and on Tuesday,
June 30th, I once again beheld the sight of the most Slackful place on
Earth - Brushwood! What's more, I arrived at Brushwood at a time when
the showers seemed to be happening about every couple of hours or
soSwhich meant I was able to set up my tent in between showers, and
get everything ready so that I would be able to brave the oncoming
storms and still remain dry. Furthermore, several other SubGenii were
appearing that day, including Ouroboros Rex and Mrs. Ouroboros (though
they later told me she was a potential Mrs. Ouroboros), and I worked
with them to get their tent up as fast as possible as well. That
Tuesday afternoon, I found myself inducted into tent assisting duty,
and we managed to get six or seven tents erected before the next rain
descended upon us. So yea, there was indeed a colony of SubGenii
there at Brushwood to await the end of the worldSor, at least, the end
of the rain. And fortunately, the cloud cover kept it from getting
too cold that night, which meant we were able to spend time setting up
and relaxing for the upcoming parties, celebrations, and religious

My tent happened to be set up barely a stone's through from the
Roundhouse, the huge gathering place where the Brushwood pagans have
their bonfires and drum circles. It also happened to be near the tent
of a first-time comer to X-Day - Dr. Agon Fly, who had been an
alt.slack and IRC regular for some time. Dr. K'Taden Legume was also
there already and had set up, and Agon Fly hooked up with Legume and
was a close companion of his for most of the rest of X-Day. Legume
proceeded to teach him a number of secrets, especially the important
lesson of How Not To Be An Asshole At X-Day. I ended up at Legume's
camp that night, dozing off as Agon Fly, Legume, and Reverend Tiki
shared their own stories (some of which are no doubt true) of their
experiences in the Church of the SubGenius.

Also near my tent, Reverend Teeters LeVerge arrived with three lovely
young ladiesStwo of whom I would become well acquainted with over the
following week. But the rain pursued them and all of us, and it even
reached the point where we considered going into the Brushwood studio
that night to keep dry.

And so it was on Wednesday, as well. The SubGenii began popping up
out of the ground, in a manner as if they had been grown from dragon's
teeth sown by Jason himself! Priestess Pisces arrived in the company
of the lovely Susie the Floozie, and shortly afterwards Reverend Ivan
Stang arrived with the Queen of All the UFOs, Princess Wei - and the
gentlemanly and distinguished Dr. Howll. Indeed, many of the greatest
names in our Church were seen once again here, and we got down to the
business of setting upSand keeping DRY. The rain seemed the same as
it was on Tuesday, even though the Conspiracy weather forecast had
suggested the chance of rain was decreasing each day - Tuesday had
rain (no kidding), Wednesday had "scattered showers," and Thursday and
Friday each had "possible showers." Evidently, as someone had stated,
a 70% chance of rain didn't mean there was a 70% that it would rain -
it meant that it was raining 70% of the time. Or that's how it felt
to us.

But there were interludes that let us get out and enjoy ourselves. It
was today that I also got a piece of fashion advice from one of the
three ladies who had accompanied Teeters LaVerge. (I never did get
the name of this girl, alas.) She seemed suspicious of me, and she
told me outright that my wearing black pants and a T-shirt, along with
my hat, "makes you look like a fuckin' cop!" Admittedly, I was
supposed to be the guy in charge of security, though I can't say I've
ever been called that before. But the other two girls there, who I
later learned called themselves Bunny Day and Dildo Valerie, were
enjoying themselves a lot more than the third. Indeed, at one point
on Wednesday evening, Bunny Day came from out of nowhere to pounce
upon meSor rather, upon my umbrella, because I was able to use it to
keep her out of the rain. I took the time to introduce her to several
of the regular names at X-Day, and to escort her to a SubGenius
enclave that had managed to occupy one of the best vantage points in
all of Brushwood during this weather. For while last year, nearly all
of the SubGenii had clustered in the middle of the main field; in 2009
a SubGenius enclave was established at the Brushwood North Pavilion.
Reverend Eggplant had founded his campsite there, along with , and
they were proceeding to set up an oasis of food and coffee, which kept
all visiting SubGenii properly fed, hydrated, and intoxicated. Not
only were these ones here, but the North Pavilion also became the 2009
headquarters for Quijibo - headed by Braumeister Chris Lee, who had
arrived in the company of the lovely Popess Pantiara Evokovitch. These
mutants were a lot more savvy to the weather than I was - for they had
taken a place on the HIGH GROUND, and were not quite as awash in rain
as my tent was, down on the other side of the field. Praise "Bob" for
the North Pavilion, the Main Pavilion, and the Storyteller's Pavilion
- for these were all places we could gather and remain DRY.

My tent itself remained mostly dry throughout the entire weekend,
praise "Bob" - but somehow, my air mattress managed to collect
moisture, and the ground all around my camp was sopping wet. It was
an incentive to stay away from my own tent and use it as little as
possibleSwhich is why by the time Thursday dawned (still cloudy, and
with still more rain), I was becoming exceedingly tired of shivering
in my tent overnight.

When I saw Pisces that morning, she said that there was a stranger
sleeping in the trailer of which she was unaware. I checked it out,
and found out the sleeping stranger was actually a very familiar and
very welcome face at X-Day - D.J. Shaver, who had arrived late on
Wednesday night, and who Stang had suggested sleep in the trailer
rather than try to set up his tent in the rain, at night. After
welcoming him with delight to Brushwood once again, the thought
entered my mind that, if this blasted rain continued, I may have to
sleep in the trailer myself that night.

However, Thursday was our traditional Day Of Slack, in which we are
all commanded by "Bob" to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! THIS is one of the
greatest reasons why I look forward to X-Day each year: after working
two damned JOBS for 50-60 hours per week, six days a week, I LOVE
being able to spend a week Slacking off and doing only what I want to
do! And thus, as I took up the infamous megaphone once again and
announced to Brushwood that WE were back once again, I cajoled the
assembled Yeti to relax and gather in places that were dry, such as
the main pavilionSand, of course, to break the rules by doing some
actual work and assisting with stage setup. Much of Thursday was
spent trying to get the newly arrived SubGenii set up and camped
before the rain turned to a steady flood; and also to remind them that
despite the rain, they did not have to hide in their tents.

At this point, Pisces started spreading the word that the rain was a
good reminder for SubGenii to hook up in ways that they may never have
done before. If you were tired of sleeping alone in a wet tent, she
suggested, you could approach a desired member of the opposite sex and
see if you might end up sharing a tent together. Thus I had an idea
of what to do this night - after two full days of rain, I was not
looking forward to the prospect of sleeping in a cold wet tent by
myself. So I made big innocent puppy-dog eyes to Pisces and to Susie
the Floozie, and asked if I could sleep in the spare cot at the
trailer this night. And, bless their souls, they agreed! At least I
was able to get ONE dry night this weekS

However, I should also mention the efforts made to get D.J. Shaver a
working radio station. After working with Pater Nostril to locate the
Brushwood radio transmitter, he got everything hooked up - and after
several years of silence, Or Kill Me Radio was on the air again!
What's more, the radio signal attracted two lovely young mutants from
out of the night, who spent several hours hanging out in the radio
shack (where it was dry), inviting horny mutants to visit them for
blowjobs. I'm not kidding, either - these two UberFemmes-In-Training
exuded such an aura of Orgazmonic radiation that I realized it would
be safer if we kept them under control. So, Chris Lee and I actually
tried locking the two of them in the radio shack with D.J. Shaver. We
snuck up to the door of the radio station, closed it, and were in the
process of applying a padlock to itSwhen suddenly, there was a
tremendous burst of energy that shattered the door to splinters and
left me reeling in the mud! Truly, these two young women would not be
contained, and they would leave a lasting impression on us all as the
weekend unfolded. (In fact, I was fortunate enough to get to know
these two young ladies rather well, and they ended up becoming two of
the three ShorDurPerSavs I would have this X-Day.)

The energies expended in attempting to contain these two sex goddesses
were too much for me, and so I retired to the trailer for that night.
I didn't have a blanket that night, however...until an certain
red-headed Connieite angel snuck in and lent me her woolie. And thus
Friday dawned with me lying under a dry blanket (and with wet shoes
beside me), listening to the rain falling on the metal roof of the

By Friday, we were all ready for the rain to end. Which is why we
looked at last to "Bob" to end it, and "Bob" gave us a secret
five-word code phrase that we would use that day: "THE RAIN WILL END
TODAY!" We were reassured that this would be the LAST day of rain,
and I made the effort to spread the word to the gathered SubGenii - at
the risk of my very life and limb. For if the rain did NOT end, then
I surely would have been tarred and featheredSor at least drowned. And
at first, it seemed doubtful that the rain would end, for it was on
Friday that we were assaulted by the greatest downpour to be seen that
entire weekend. And this downpour came upon us at the time when we
were trying to get sensitive stereo equipment to the main stage, of
course - which meant that we had to set up this equipment as quickly
as possible, while getting soaked from the rain. What's more, Friday
was also the COLDEST day of the End Times before X-DaySeven to the
point where at 3:00 PM, on the day before July 4th, we were wearing
jackets to keep warm. Reverend Stang himself had on a winter jacket.

BUT - we had survived wind and weather to reach this point, and the
officially scheduled events were to take place at last!

The High Weirdness Project

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