by Priestess Pisces
Official Nuisance Manager of The SubGenius Foundation
Art, right, by Paul Mavrides with Dr. K'taden Legume
**How much does it cost? What should I bring? Will bears rape me when I try to sleep?**
*How much does it cost?*
Entry $35 for dues-paid Church Ministers (i.e. Members), $70 for non-members (which buys them an Ordainment). $12.00 a night camping fees. You pay the camping fees to the nice Wisteria folks. You can pay your Entry Fee to The SubGenius Foundation either on site at the registration table
OR you can be ubercool and
PAY IN ADVANCE!
*OMFG! OH NOES! I LOST MY CARD AND MY CAT ATE IT AND TURNED INTO CTHULHU AND STUFF!*
If you send a self addressed stamped envelope with your "Con name" (or other evidence that will help the Monksnakes and Nunsnakes locate your records) to P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland Hts, OH 44118-1417, a new card can be sent. BUT - there is cool new stuff in the Membership packets, and buying additional Memberships secures you extra room on the saucers - kinda like paying 35 bucks for the Upgraded Legroom with United, but instead you get a lot more room and a window as well as cocktails and alien tail. So we recommend re-upping at http://www.subgenius.com/scatalog/membership.htm
Also, again, you can avoid many worries by PRE-REGISTERING! If you PRE-REGISTER you make things easier for the registration slaves, and you get a nifty letter that PROVES YOU ARE GOOD (or at least a SubGenius and fully paid for).
*What should I bring?*
A tent to start. This is camping. If you are unsure how to camp, I would advise asking for advice from one of the many SubGenii who have successfully camped before. Cash - you will need money for supplies in town (like food), or to pay for things at the cafe (like food). You also need cash for the camping fees. Bug repellent (if you are attractive to them) Lotrimin (for your nutsack if you have one - Pisces doesn't have one, so she can't really explain this one recommendation except to say Stang, Dok Z, Suds and others who have testicles (or testicle) seem to feel this product is important). A camp chair (unless you like sitting on the ground - if so, cool). A blanket. A cooler (for food and beverages). Anything else you use to camp.
OR you can choose to stay in any of the many motels nearby. The closest is the Budget Host Coach Inn ( http://budgethostathens.com ), only 20 minutes away even if you drive as slowly as Stang does. Stang & Doe stayed there in late May 2012 while postering Athens for the festivals, and in some ways it is superior to the nearby Athens Super 8. NOTE: on July 1, the name of the place changes to "Home Town Inn."
*What should I NOT bring?*
Animals, weapons, explosives, fireworks, things that are illegal in Ohio, or any substance that, once you imbibe it, makes you a complete asshole. Also note that electricity seems to NOT grow on trees, so you might find your television, computer or PS3 somewhat useless away from the Cafe and other powered areas.
*How do I get there?*
First of all, let us address where THERE is:
Wisteria Campground 39835 State Route 684 (or 39835 New Lima Rd), Pomeroy, Ohio 45769
They have a website!
If you are driving, and don't have a GPS, travel to Athens first - besides, there are shops galore there, including your hard-to-find hipster cigarettes and a huge modern Kroger grocery store with beer and booze, aluminum foil and sundries.
From Athens, Ohio:
Take 50/32 West out of Athens toward Albany (Ohio -- not Albany, NY) After passing the Marathon station in Albany, take the exit for 681 * Turn Right on OH-681 - go 5.4 mi * Continue on STATE ROUTE 692(OH-692) - go 0.9 mi * Continue on NEW LIMA RD(OH-684) - go 1.0 mi * Arrive at Wisteria 39835 OH-684, POMEROY, on the Right
For GPS users, we have found that the GPS consistently tells you to turn into a dirt road about a quarter mile before that dirt road is actually visible. The "WISTERIA" sign is not obtrusive, so you may have to use eyes and common sense.
*But I live in Hawaii, I will have to fly...*
Well then, Columbus, Ohio is probably your best bet. If you are flying in to Columbus, and NOT renting a car, say so on the RIDES doc in the Facebook group, or you can let Pisces know and she will do her best to match you up with others flying in to Columbus for shuttling. You will need to provide cash, grass or ass. No freebies.
*I love the thrill of the open road, sitting next to a guy from Kentuckiana who hasn't bathed since 1995 for at least 12 hours...*
Ahh, so you will be traveling by Greyhound! You are in luck (I guess) as there is a Greyhound in Athens. Let folks know when you expect to arrive on the RIDES doc in the Facebook group, or let Pisces know and she will help you find a ride into Wisteria. Again cash, grass or ass. No freebies.
**Do the woods have McDonalds? What is 'Fire?' Do bears really shit in the woods?**
*Where and what will I eat?* Well, that is your call. Athens, Ohio is a great run for supplies, with wallyworlds, megagrocers, Burger God Hunger Fucker rip-offs, and more. Also Wisteria actually has its own cafe - it's pretty good food and averages between 5-7 bucks for a meal. By meal, I do mean MEAL, as in main course and one or two sides. Also they were open every day. However, they only serve meals during certain hours. But they do serve breakfast, lunch and dinner. They also have freeze pops for like a quarter, which was probably one of the most awesome discoveries ever for some of us last year. In addition, on a few occasions, very generous (and possibly stupid) SubGenii have actually made enough food to feed the entire campground. (For example - Heathen's amazing chicken BBQ and the Annual Pancake Breakfast by Ennie and V.) Do not COUNT ON such kindness, and please feel free to tip and say thanks when it's offered.
Recommendations for eating in town:
Casa Nueva -- Made from scratch, local sourced good food.
Union Street Diner - - They seem to be open 24/7. It's a diner. What else do you need to know?
O'Betty's -- Hot Dogs in a place full of pictures of titties (it doubles as a famous stripper museum) Jackie O's -- Brew Pub. They have brews. They have food.
The Donkey -- Do you want REALLY GOOD COFFEE?... Go here. This is also good for free wi-fi if Wisteria's is down.
Avalanche Pizza -- Dr. Dark is taking this place on his Escape Vessel. So it must be good.
*Ooo That smell...*
...Wait, is that you? You should bathe. Seriously. And guess what? Wisteria has showers - up at the top of the hill right when you come in. They have stalls, with curtains, so no one else needs to see your Winkie or Goonyah... unless, of course, you want them to. They also provide soap. So you have no excuse. A suggestion: the hot water kicks in once a certain flow rate is reached. The best way to ensure the hot water is to make sure someone else is taking a shower at the same time. So find other folks who stink. Take them to the showers with you.
*Well, the weather outside is...*
...Warm actually. It's Southern Ohio. While there is shade and mountains, it's still pretty warm. People from the South may complain about the Yankees complaining about the heat. Folks used to the mid-Atlantic and Midwestern summers will not notice any difference in the climate. Well, except for the raining fire and such on July 5th. Most folks aren't used to that; maybe parts of New Jersey. Keep in mind there is a large ball of fire that lives in the sky half of the day called the SUN. You should probably bring SUN SCREEN, its a cream substance that will protect your skin from the sun.
Art, left above, by Rev. Abnorm Nihil
The Dr. K'taden Legume Addendum:
Nobody likes to talk about this. No, wait, that's wrong...it's that other thing...EVERYBODY likes to talk about this.
I speak, of course, about shitting.
Everybody does it. However, when you get to X-Day, you may well find that you won't do it. You've been on the road for a few days, eating at Burger God Hunger Fucker (or worse, 7-11), and you've made it finally to X-Day! You're excited, you're happy to see old friends and make new ones, and your natural schedule of eating, sleeping, drinking, and pretty much everything else is suddenly altered significantly. You may not notice at first, but then suddenly you'll feel a rumble from deep in your lower abdomen on the third day of the event. You'll grimace, and then start counting on your fingers trying to remember the last time you took a shit. Suddenly, you will bolt upright and make an awkward exit from your circle of friends and make a fast beeline for the nearest Excremeditation Chamber. Be prepared, it may be a long wait once you get inside. You might want to bring a book, and perhaps that little cardboard pine tree from your rearview mirror.
At this point, the Adventure Begins. You are about to give birth to THE X-DAY TURD.
It may erupt from your ass with the power of 1000 exploding suns; or more likely, you will feel like Auguste Rodin's famous sculpture "The Thinker", depicting a man frozen forever in the act of dropping a mammoth deuce.
Either way, it's gonna hurt. You're gonna sweat in that stench-filled plastic dookiebox as you strain to keep your intestines inside your body.
Don't panic. Embrace the pain. This is the purest form of GUT BLOWOUT.
There is at least a 36% chance you will survive this experience. When and if you do, you will emerge from the chamber feeling like a NEW YETI. You will experience a sense of accomplishment possibly only surpassed by defeating a giant cyborg Chuck Norris in single combat while simultaneously curing Bear AIDS.
Rejoice, Pilgrim. If you get that far, the rest of the event is all cake.
-- Dr. K'taden Legume
Note from Rev. Ivan Stang regarding Banned Asshole Persons
Art, right, by Dr. Zirroneous
I recently had the strange experience of reading a bunch of Facebook comments in which persons who have never been on any "Banned from X-Day" list were explaining to each other with great self-righteousness how they have been unreasonably banned from X-Day at Wisteria by "the assholes who run X-Day." We assholes cannot figure out where most of these people got the idea they were "banned," except possibly from each other.
Yes, there is a list of people who are banned, most of the names years old (and also banned by our previous site's previous owners and by other festivals). That those bans were enforced is the reason that theft, rape etc. haven't been a main feature of these festivals.
Last year we newly-banned four people who started a "Hate Those Assholes Who Run X-Day" Facebook page. They know who they are, having been told directly.
Those who think that "no one should be banned from anything" are self-banning, and should stick with festivals where theft and rape are encouraged.
Anybody who THINKS he or she is banned from X-Day Drills probably shouldn't be there in the first place, so, although their names aren't actually on any lists, we Assholes Who Run X-Day Drills sincerely hope that such super-geniuses, amateur Sherlock Holmeses and Einsteins will just stay home, or perhaps go have a big party at Dabard's house.
There was also an inexplicable outburst of lying -- or at the very least, extremely biased and bitterly worded misinformation -- on Facebook about why we changed sites and how southern Ohio is "exactly as hot as Texas," the pond is unbearable, the toilet facilities unusable, the SubGeniuses who run X-Day (such as myself) are ruthless bullies, etc. etc. The attack was as much on Wisteria as on us, so our guess is that these attacks are aimed at hurting X-Day Drills and Starwood Festival, and/or were personal vendettas against we who run X-Day or Princess Wei 'R.' Doe, who is a big part of Starwood's continued existence (the Starwood Festival being the original inspiration for both X-Day Drills and the original, now shunned, site).
Yes, fantastic as this may sound, some people don't like the Church of the SubGenius! -- or even poor innocent feel-good Starwood. The new management of the original Starwood/X-Day site DID just happen to start their own exact imitation of Starwood -- a rival festival, in other words -- immediately after suddenly denying Starwood any more use of their land.
One of the accusations against us was along the lines of "Brushwood was always perfect, but Wisteria is always hot."
To put any lingering fears to rest, Rev. Cantata (an actual scientist!) acquired National Weather Center reports regarding relative average July temperatures at the two sites. The average difference: TWO DEGREES F.
Princess Wei and I visited Wisteria on Memorial Day weekend in late May, and I took samples of the pond water for examination under my microscope (Wisteria/Athens/Microbes photo gallery here). As reassuring as others may find this, I as a micro-monster fan was disappointed at the relative dearth of nematodes, cladocerans, amoebas, rotifers, etc. I know they must be there, but their population is sparse. There ARE tadpoles and water bugs, and those little buggers must be living on something, but the pond most definitely does not stink. Not that I would drink its water without boiling it first, but the pond is PLAIN FRESH WATER -- the kind that humans lived off of for a hundred thousand years, but a little better because it is filtered.
As for the other nasty lies-by-omission that were spread regarding our festival, its operators, and the facilities, all we can say is: look at the hundreds of photos from last year, clearly showing all the facilities, nearby Athens, and just how miserable it all is. Listen to the seven or eight Hours of Slack recorded there. Read the comments by people who actually attended. Strangely enough, despite a summer that was unusually hot all over the entire country, everybody we've heard from DIRECTLY had a great time.
Admittedly, we have not heard from those who were raped by bears, for Rape Bears take 7 years to "get their nut," as the expression goes. Be ready to hear some bitter tales of woe starting about 6 years from now. Also, the Giant Dick-Eating Spiders should not be nearly as much a worry this year, as their population has been decimated by an infestation of Face-Fucking Bats. Just be sure you have your PLASTIC vials of Face-Fucking Bat Antidote Pudding with you at all times, and you'll probably be perfectly safe.
Ol' Sequaw says: "SEE YOU ON THE ESCAPE SAUCERS!"
Art below by Dr. K'taden Legume