Governor Rocknar's XDV report

From: "Governor Rocknar" <>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Jul 8, 2002 6:18 PM

This year was different for me than years previous.

I've made that trip before, twice with the aid of my good friend from Pizza
Hell, Lt. Governor Dusty...

Twice by myself.

That long-ass haul is a lot longer when you have to drive it YOURSELF!

And Dusty's con-job was going to screw him out of his 4th of July vacation
AGAIN, for a third year in a row.

I did NOT feel good about making that long drive this year. Something about
how all the pinks were in a tizzy over homeland security.

But fortunately I was able to hook up a ride with the most cool Reverend Ef
and his sister and their mom this year.

I didn't have a whole lot of room to pack, and I was forced to leave behind
such things that have gotten me through X-Day's previous.

LOTS of Ale-8 - Yeah I did kinda disappoint a lot of you all with the amount
I was able to bring. this year. It was all I could fit, though. But still
many of you did get to sample it.

It's ironic that Coca-Cola bought Ale-8 and announced plans to distribute it
in 5 different states other than Sports Land/Teenage Wasteland. Perhaps this
is the HAND OF DOBBS in action, but since this is CONca-Cola, they'll more
than likely CHANGE THE FORMULA! Those bastards.

Anyway, I also had to leave my TENT behind. The nice dark green one my dad
smoked SIX HUNDRED PACKS OF KOOLS just for me to have for XD99. No room for
the tent poles in the car. Dammit.

Luggage. I was only able to bring the clothes I could fit into a knapsack.
Not that this was a problem, usually I'd pack TOO MANY clothes and so this
year I took only a very few t-shirts and shorts.

The ride up to X-Day was a good one. We only had to stop for gas one time,
and I'm sure Ef's mom didn't mind borrowing my plastic to put the gas on. We
also stopped at Burger King and caught a little slack before we had to go on
the road again. As we left, Ef, his sister Goddess Gertrude and I all took
with us those BK kids club crown hats, with the MIIB promo on them. Why not,
eh? They're FREE!

We left Lexington around 9:30 or 10am and we ended up making VERY GOOD TIME
for all the people on the roads. With only one stop for gas and food, we
still made it to Sherman by 6:15 pm, roughly 9 hours. It felt SO SO GOOD to
see those signs that said "WELCOME TO NEW YORK" and then six miles later to
see "SHERMAN".

Just as we took the exit ramp to Sherman, there was a COP who had pulled
over some random pink. JUST PAST THE EXIT RAMP! "Thank you, BOB!" we all
exclaimed as we drove up the exit ramp.

The whole town of Sherman is just so damn beautiful. The simplicity of it,
the peacefulness. We went through Sherman and made our way to Bailey Hill
Rd. And just a few minutes later WE WERE THERE!!!!

Ever noticed how when you JUST GET THERE and you pull off to park before you
have to register, when you get OUT of the car, the longest walk is between
the parking and registration. Even though it's not more than 30 feet. Maybe
it comes from being so long on the road.

After we registered, Ef''s mom scouted out good spots for us to set up. We
finally pitched almost next to Pastor Pressure and Legume in those nice
spots behind the main trailer. Thankfully, Gertrude and her mom were able to
share one tent, Ef would have another and I DID end up with a tent for
X-Day!!! At least the air mattress and sleeping bag wouldn't go to waste. It
was a little tight fit but the mattress filled out the floor of the tent
fairly well. Shortly we met Gawain and he was cool. We also were camped next
to Lilith and Cynthia and Big Boy. So we had a good spot, I felt.

That night, after a refreshing shower, I enjoyed the DRIVE IN MOVIE THEATER!
This made the long trip ALL WORTH IT! Seeing those "lsd-is-bad-Mkay?" pornos
along with BATPUSSY and SOMETHING WEIRD was OUT OF THIS WORLD! I didn't get
to see BUM-HUNTER so much cause I needed FOOD at that point. BUT PRAISE DR.
DARK for his DRIVE IN!

After the Drive-In shut down for the night, and after a few hours of rest, I
popped my head out of the tent to witness a BEAUTIFUL MORNING!!! MY GOD!!!
It just doesn't get any more beautiful at Brushwood as it does just after

I realized then that it was the 4th of July and WE WERE STILL HERE! At least
Pres-Clone Bush hadn't caused Armageddon...YET! I took that as PROBABLY
being a good sign.

I visited Pastor Pressure as he was fixing his cinnamon breakfast rolls
which were SO GOOD AND DELICIOUS! Also got to share ALE-8 with Ef,
Jimbo-Cerulan and TWO BEANS!

Much of the 4th, I went wandering around the different areas, saying hi to
everyone. I wanted to head into town for a citronella candle, but it being
the 4th, EVERYTHING WAS CLOSED! Thankfully CONNIE in her sales tent had a
citronella for $5. That at least saved me the effort of going into town to
get one.

So much of NOTHING happened on the 4th than I have no real clear memory. I
do remember registering, giving Stang FORTY HUMAN SOULS (Two $20's with 666
in their serial numbers, one of those $20's folded to show the Pentagon and
WTC.) Then, after I had my rescue saucer ticket on me, I continued going
around to say hi to everyone.

That night, I enjoyed Lilith and Cynthia's wedding, some cool rants and
RANTED MYSELF! And then, after presenting Stang 30 more dollar coins for a
rescue saucer ticket for someone special to me who couldn't be there herself
this year, I went to Tranquility Base and next door to visit Saint N and
Hellena Handbasket. Hellena is INDEED a Connie-ite and she loved the poetry
I shared and the "Sex And The City" script I had written which I left her a
copy of.

Waking up, shortly after 7am on the 5th...

Eh, it was after 7am. It was the first time since XD99 that I was actually
at Brushwood for that blessed day and hour. And I woke up 10 minutes LATE! I
poked my head out of the tent again, and Ef's mom was like, "Oh, YOU MISSED
7 AM!". I was just so tired, it didn't really seem to matter much to me and
I laid my head back down to get some sleep.

"Don't worry, so did Jesus.", she said and then...ZANG! I was INSTANTLY

I hurried and put my boots on and made it down to the pavilion where I told
everyone I overslept "because I was busy last night fucking Jesus INTO THE

The day started uneventful and I didn't really plan on anything until
Magdalen asked me if there was someone headed to Erie because we needed
copies of the X-Day handouts made at Kinko's. I went straight to OrKillMe
radio and got the announcement out that we needed anyone headed to Erie to
go to Kinko's.

I then met the coolest people from Pittsburgh, Revs. Aaron, Ashley and
Brian! AND WE WENT ON AN EERIE ADVENTURE! They were planning to head to
Wal-Mart anyway and I offered $5 for gas which they felt was more than fair.

When we hit Erie, we decided to hit K-Mart instead, since we actually found
that. While there, I got something to eat and drink and also a Martha
Stewart bath towel. A PINK MARTHA STEWART TOWEL at that. As we were going
through the check-out lane, I got a copy of the Weekly Weird News, but also
I HAD to get a copy of the Star, which had Martha Stewart in a very shocked
cover picture. With this caption.

"As her empire crumbles, GREEDY MARTHA STEWART COLLAPSES!"

We noticed later on that BOTH tabloids had the date JULY 9TH!!! And today
(to us) was only JULY 5TH!

I'll be
"back" in that K-Mart in Erie with Aaron, Ashley and Brian "tomorrow".

Anyway, our Eerie Adventure continued on, and after a while, we managed to
FIND a Kinko's! Aaron and I went in, and we were discussing Martha Stewart
again, when a LATENT YETI SubAfrican-American made the comment "JUST a

I told him about the "find the Boeing" webpage you can dig up on
and he said he would check that out. FATE PUT US THERE AT KINKO'S AT THAT

I also got a Martha Stewart thank-you card.

"I just wanted to say a simple thank you..." - "So I planted 2,500 tulips
from Amsterdam, carved an ice sculpture..."

When Aaron, Ashley, Brian and I returned from our Eerie Adventure, I gave
Princess Wei all our Martha Stewart propaganda (except the towel, that I
wanted) and she was so happy to have all this! I guess to US, our X-Day is
like CHRISTMAS where we exchange simple gifts and are generally glad we've
managed to survive another year on this planet.

I relaxed some more that afternoon on until the Superheroes Ball. There, I
said even though I was a mortal human, the superpower I learned from George
W. Bush was that I could "steal money from the taxpayers and make it look
like I was FUNDRAISING!". I expected that if we were giving awards for Best
Superhero, we should give awards for best SUPERVILLIAN as well.

But alas, Nickie Deathchick only gave out the awards for Best Superhero, and
I kinda understood. Hell, she's looking for HEROES, not villains. But still
we should have had judging on villains, Rev Ef the stealer of SexMortus's
flatulence, myself and Quijibo.

I found out later about SexMortus and his near arm-rupture, and I hope he's
going to be okay.

Then came the FLESH AUCTION and although I was dreading being pimped out for
Bob, I decided to up the ante by offering the LAST ALE-8 also to whoever bid
on me and won. AND JESUS WON! He kinda liked Ale-8 and he told me of his
"secret plan for TOMORROW MORNING!"

The rest of that night, I hung with DJ Shaver again watching the bad
Japanese monster movies AND I busted a gut laughing from watching "BOOBOO

If you haven't seen this yet, MY GAWD are you in for a real treat! It was
done by John K., creator of REN AND STIMPY and seeing his signature style of
those quivering lips just made the whole thing HILARIOUS!

Then I hung with SexMortus and his friend SamHain and we discussed "Eyes
Wide Shut", all while SexMortus was in a beer stupor and trying to recover
from his Arm Rupture. We helped SexMortus break in his new pipe from the
Kentucky Boys. After we helped him get to Tranquility Base, we made sure he
made it back into his own tent in the alt.slack village. SexMortus said he
wasn't sure if he felt he wanted to piss or VOMIT. I didn't feel right about
leaving SexMortus in a drunken stupor next to the fire, so SamHain and I
made sure he was safely in his tent AND I found a nice sized bucket JUST IN
CASE he felt the urge to spew.

Then, as everyone else in SexMortus camp went to bed, I was dead tired
myself. I was going to have a long day tomorrow and I wanted some rest. But
it took a while to walk out of the alt.slack village completely in the DARK
and now having to navigate around their NEW pond. But fortunately I made it
back to my camp.

I got some rest and woke up extra early for Saturday morning. Today was the
day I'd have to roll out and head back home, even though I'd be missing out
on the rest of X-Day. But still it was a lot of fun to be here anyway. I
went around, giving out my new e-mail address to all my X-Day friends. Then,
as 9:30 am approached, MY MISSION FOR THE LORD BEGAN!

I took a shower, got out and dried off, and went into the trailer where
Jesus had left out his HOLY ROBES! Today, Jesus wanted to SLEEP IN and now
since I was his SLAVE, I got to don the robes and wield his holy megaphone
and I got to wake everyone up! Since Modemac couldn't attend this year, it
felt like I had assumed his place in his absence. Man that was a lot of fun.
People thought I was Jesus at first, they said we both sounded alike, but I
guess everyone sounds more or less the same when amplified on a megaphone.

After the task for the Lord was done, I got changed into my regular clothes
again, making sure I put the robes back exactly the way I had found them. I
went over to 808's tent, where now it was my call for a special favor.

You may remember I bid $10 and won 808 at the flesh auction, but it wasn't
for anything kinky. Really, I wanted to borrow one of his cameras. I brought
them back from the Drive-In movie screen where he'd left them charging all
night. Then after he showed me which button was what, I set forth on my task
that day. Making a mini-documentary of Brushwood. Trying to capture on tape
what this place was, and why I liked to come here every year. After leaving
808 and Pharaoh, I went walking forth with the camera. I MERELY PASSED BY
some camp with a USA flag with RAINBOW stripes (non-yetis also camped there,
not for X-day but themselves) and they were all pissed at me cause I had a

Yeah, I kinda understood WHY they didn't want to be videotaped but JESUS

Next year, if I get to don the robes again, I'll make sure to get up EXTRA

That was the only "bad experience" with the camera, and the rest of my X-Day
documentary featured some good shots of the Bob-tism, esp. Legume bob-tising
Sister Decadence, as well as interviews with famous SubG's, Stang, Wei,
Maggie and Jesus, Saint Al, P'JAMM, RevAlex, many others, and an in-depth
interview with DJ Shaver and a tour of OrKillMe radio. Finally Ef reminded
me we HAD TO HIT THE ROAD NOW, so I closed out the documentary tape and we
made the long trip back to Sports Land.

Again, we made very good time, leaving Sherman at 2:30pm and only having to
stop for gas one time and getting a slackful meal at A&W. Then, at
10:30pm...I was finally home...

I lugged all my stuff back into my house and watched the news with the
parents, only just then finding out about the death of Wally-World

I have many many people to thank. REV EF AND HIS FAMILY! Stang and Wei.
Jesus and Magdalen. Lilith and Cynthia and Big Boy, Phloighd and Pisces,
Legume, Ed Strange, Pastor Pressure, the jabbering acid head, Saint Al, Rev.
Aaron, Ashley and Brian, Two Beans, Jimbo Cerulan for sharing my newest
taste treat (take a Chef Boyardee ravioli, put it on a triscuit and top it
off with cheese-in-a-can, wash it all down with an Ale-8), Dr. Dark for the
movies, Rev. Gordo for his razor-sharp witty comments DURING the movies,
Saint N and Hellena Handbasket, Quijibo, the Kentucky Boys, the Bachelors,
Doc and Barbara Pissoff, Rev. Sparky for showing me the short-wave radio
with the and conspiracy theory station (where I
first heard about the 4th of July shooting at LAX) 808 for letting me use
his camera, everyone who took a moment out of the day to let me interview
them for the documentary video, DJ Shaver for chugging an Ale-8 on stage
during my rant, Susie The Floozy, Sister Decadence and Doc Frop, Nickie
Deathchick, Rabbi Jaclyn Hyde, Emperor Arthur the King of ALL CHINA and his
170,000 mile old yellow Nissan truck which I christened "Long Living Yellow
Dragon", Rev. Zorro, Rev. Alex, Asquire, Lon, Country Bumpkin and Justin
Case...err sorry FUCKFACE, his new church name NOW!!! Quijibo, PeeKitty,
Betsy Fucking Ross and Keith, Sinphalatimus Sexmortus, everyone else I gave
one of my disks I burned to take up there. And anyone else I may have

Again, what an X-DAY!!!! But just wait till NEXT YEAR!

Here's a possible slogan, a reference to the Sci-Fi show "The Prisoner".
Since that will be our 6th X-day, we can have our slogan "X-Day, Number
Six!" and we can transform Brushwood into "The Village". We'd need some
weather balloons from Phloighd so we can have "Rover" there to terrify the
normals next year.

And next year I WILL drive and give Ef a ride there, so to bring my tent,
lots of Ale-8, and everything else I couldn't this year.

Just 362 short days from now.

Governor Rocknar

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