HOUR OF SLACK 9X-DAY SPECIALS: #1055 through 1059
9X-DAY DRILL was one of the best yet, as Drills go, from my point of view. As actual Ruptures go, of course, it was another fizzle, but in terms of PRACTICE for ENJOYING the end of the world, everybody seems to agree that it offered plenty.
One miracle was that Brushwood was BEDOTTED with ANGEL TURDS throughout the week. AssCo even shot a blurry night-vision videotape of what appears to be a naked, giant-breasted beautiful female angel shitting one of these miracle turds along a camp road. No one else saw the actual angel or angels, but almost everyone stumbled upon at least one or two of these Miracle Turds either in their camp or in odd spots around Brushwood, like under rocks or in the clefts of tree branches.
The Miracle Angel Turds look like smooth gray rocks WITH PICTURES ON THEM! -- yes, miniature PAINTINGS looking much like they had perhaps been done in enamel color paints. Yet no mortal human or SubGenius would be capable of such incredible miniature paintings -- not even Dr. Hal! FOR HOW WOULD HE BE ABLE TO PAINT A STONE WHILE IT WAS STILL INSIDE AN ANGEL'S RECTUM?? Only Rev. Susie the Floozy would be able to do something that that, and even then it would be difficult. Many HAVE pointed out that the writing on some of the stone-turds resembles the calligraphy-like writing of Susie the Floozy. And Suzie seemed at times to have preternatural knowledge of some of the stones before she had even seen them. But she has always been weird that way.
The pictures on the turdstones were gorgeously detailed, and often personalized. For instance, Princess Wei's had saucers and fropsticks on them. Dr. Hal got one with a fez (he often wears a special fez with a huge eyeball on it). G. Gordon Gordon's was either a suppository or The Magic Bullet from the JFK assassination. We have documentation of many of the stones and no doubt you will be seeing photos of them as we process the evidence.
Every X-Day we tag paying Members with a special ElectroStimulo Negative Reinforcement Wristband. I had purchased some extras in case of this eventuality, but I didn't really expect to use them because we seemed to have PLENTY of the original wristbands left -- the ones with the XXX-design on them.
WE RAN OUT OF THOSE THIS X-DAY!
That seemed a sign that this would be THE X-Day, and got our hopes and fears up as much as the Angel Turds did.
Since I was in charge of registration this year, we have NO IDEA how many attendees there were at the festival. But there were enough that we ran out of those wristbands and had to shift to dayglo orange ones.
I counted attendance at the Saturday night music show... there were 57 people there that I could see, but I know many of the Frop/NYC cabal were not there that night when I was counting. And there are always the many mystery Yetinsyn who sign in and then disappear into alt.slack Woods, never to be seen again anywhere near the stages.
On July 4, a mini-observatory with a huge telescope had been set up near Dr. Dark's drive-in so that we might follow the events on Jupiter during the collision of the Great Red Spot with the smaller storm known as Red Jr. We knew the Conspiracy wouldn't report anything of Dobbsful portent. BUT... of all nights... that is when a thick, werewolf-of-london FOG rolled over Brushwood, obscuring the view from the observatory at the crucial moment!
Just before the fog closed in, I myself witnessed a great multicolored VORTEX form at the border of the two massive storms (each large enough to swallow our planet), and from this Vortex I saw emerge what must have been at least a million of the 2001-style MONOLITHS, rising in pairs into space, criss-crossed to form Xes when seen from the front as they advanced towards my telescope... and it was just then, as the Million Monolith March began, that the fog thickened and my view was occluded!
What I mean by that is that no one died or was hurt MUCH.
MIRACLE OF LITTLE GIRLS!
The Volkerdings not only survived and came, but brought a THIRD VOLKERDING -- the laughingest baby since the Gerber's model! Agent Lloyd brought Gwendolyn, to her second X-Day; and the superstar of the Ikon and Book Burning was "Halie," who is a precocious 5 year old belonging to the Master Jason of the Woodbusters, builder of the Great Fire (and retriever of the Sacrificial Victim, which believe me is a GROSS job). Whereas the SubGeniuses were timid about attacking the Judge Punch Punching Bag, little Halie was absolutely vicious and relentless. No matter how many times Judge Punch came to his feet, she was there to lay him low again with the most powerful roudhouses ever seen in the RoundHouse (where the burnings and drummings take place).
Halie also proved herself BY FAR the most receptive and appreciative audience for my latest Dobbshead-centered animated music videos. Some of the time she was the ONLY audience. She truly appreciates morphing, drooping, vortexing Dobbsheads with tekno music in ways that escapes anyone over 6.
We made sure that it was WELL UNDERSTOOD that there would be NO cameras at the new, Stangian Bobtism. There would be no Legume and no Jesus. Dr. Hal and myself were the only Bobtizers and we kept our sacred robes on. The result was, for the first time in several years, a pool HEALTHILY FULL OF CONNIEITES. Almost as many female as male SubGenii entered the Pool of Nakedity, and there were NO FROGWATCHERS (except, ironically, Dr. Legume himself!). Every Bobtism was personalized and I was able to remember the names of every single SubGenius that I Bobtized with the odd exception of Rev. Venus Envy.
This year, because of the newly-enforced orders, EVEN PRINCESS WEI and Rev. BARBRA ALIEN were Bobtized in full nakedity.
The SubGenius 1st Annual International Chili Cook-Off featured only 5 brands of chili (including Mammy Stang's Secret Recipe), but the important thing about the chili cook-off was the SHOT I got on my DV cam panning across the cafe.
ALL OTHER GEEKY WEIRD CULTS, EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT!
At times X-Day has been called by its jealous detractors a "sausage fest," implying that, like a GWAR concert or a Star Trek convention, it's all fat 15 year old boys and almost no girls.
HOO-HAH! We built it, and THEY CAME. As I panned across that crowd of SubG pigs stuffing their faces, what my camera caught was A GAL FOR EVERY GUY. Numerically, that is. Many of the gals and guys were independent, not attached to each other. But, by Gobbs, every other person at X-Day (or at least the cook-off) was a GORGEOUS FEMALE BABE, with an excellent range of age and shape, and I inwardly laughed my ass off at the TRUE LOSERS who slander our gatherings as somehow being all-male.
The pictures that are already going around prove what I am saying. I wouldn't feel the need to brag about this, but criticisms of over-maleness have been unfairly aimed at us for some time.
Also you can't say we're all white people anymore, because there were Negroes, Puerto Ricans, and Italians galore! I think one or two people might even have been Jewish persons!
This man is so infuckingcredibly talented that only his devotion to "Bob" keeps him from being disqualified as a SUB-genius. Were it not for his love of "Bob" we would have to declare him a genius or even a deadly super-genius.
First miracle is how GOOD it was. The main mike-bearers were Princess Pisces and Rev. Carter LeBlanc, although others such as Alex, Scalpod and DJ Shaver (possibly many more) leapt onstage to rant or sing behind or over music provided mostly by Rev. Angry Larry on guitar, Carter on bass, Rev. Phil on drums, and Rev. Two Beans on synthesizer. Pisces was SPOUTING LIKE A HOUSEAFIRE! I haven't seen anything like it in some time. She composed something like 8 different songs right off the top of her head. Fucking amazing. I kept thinking, "This CAN'T sound later, on the tape, as good as it's sounding on headphones" -- but, BY GUM, it DID!
Yes, the audio on the Volkerding-donated 4-track cassette deck SOUNDED REAL GOOD!
I have also been checking through the videotapes, going backwards from the final sixteenth one on July 5, and when that's done I'll be have a skeletal list of events which can be filled in by others. There's a lot I missed! I would have missed a lot more had not Governor Rocknar been able to hand me 5 more mini-DV tapes after I ran out (we never used more than 10 1-hour tapes before this!).
I only heard about (and saw from a distance) the naked Slip-n-Slide that was set up by (I think) Rev. Andy Christ. Luckily, Mom Exmortis was able to inform the teens sliding on it that it would work MUCH better if they TOOK OFF THEIR CLOTHES. Thus many people COULD have witnessed the sight of many skinny nekkid young folks sliding back and forth, and of the occasional middle-aged person injuring their hips on it.
I also missed an actual fake giant UFO constructed by Rev. Sloth, Gonzo, Samhain and ExMortis after the 7 AM time. (I was sleeping, finally.) Thankfully, Sis Dec was there was a camera to catch some really WEIRD images that will be excellent for future controversies over whether the Xists or SOMEBODY really DID land at Brushwood in 2006.
The sight of classic Romero LIVING DEAD shambling out of the woods and into Two Beans' rave, then the drive-in, was wonderful enough, but even better was seeing the people they had BITTEN, COME BACK A LITTLE WHILE LATER AS ZOMBIES THEMSELVES! In other words, after the first wave of zombie attacks, there was another wave, with TWICE AS MANY ZOMBIES!
There are many many more people to thank (especially Modemac) and events to marvel about, and photos to jack over, but I have just barely gotten back onto "the stick." Among the 1200 emails I had upon our return were several DOZEN orders, mostly for new Memberships and ARISE! DVDs, and I have to get on those. Also, one of my 250-gb hard drives DIED COMPLETELY yesterday. Luckily I had suspicions that Dumbkoff was dying so I had backed up pretty much everything on him except maybe some MP3s that I had collected but haven't yet put on Hour of Slack. We'll see... there may be some hope for the drive yet but only one of my 4 repair progs can even detect the drive and it soon crashes after trying to sort out its scrambled nodes, keys and B-trees, due to hardware failure... oh well... good thing I was paranoid about back-up.
The SubGenii are apparently immune to the Shulginesque poisons that were promised.
As always, no matter what they may have promised and claimed after the fact, the chickenshit kooks of alt.slack (you know who they are) once again stayed in their hovels and guessed at what they were missing.
I'm sure more spectacular remembrances will come back to me as I slog through the tapes and videos, first for Hour of Slack and then for eventual DVD etc. The Amino Acids put in an unusually long (for them) performance of WELL over their normal 20 minutes. The Billy Nayer Show certainly picked up a hundred new die-hard fans besides myself and Wei, Nickie and The Artist Formerly Known as Magdalen.
Which reminds me, the Bulldada Auction raised some good money to help with her legal bills, and I suspect that personal contacts with the right persons may have helped raise REAL REAL good money to help with those bills.
I have only half-scanned alt.slack for other 9X-Day reports and I haven't even looked into the IRC.
If anyone has IRC logs which include active X-Day participants reminiscing or fighting, if you emailed me the text log I wouldn't mind. I had house guests up until yesterday so I was not geeking in computerland.
I will say that I have seen some speculation by our critics about what sort of "vacations in England" and "fleets of Jaguars" that Magdalen has also to pay for, besides her legal bills, and I have gotten some real belly-laffs out of those. To those who will believe anything, I must stress that YOU AIN'T HEARD NOTHIN' YET! Wait'll you gimps finally figure out who we REALLY are! The Masons, Satanists and International Jewish Bankers, hell, even the U.S. Government, will all seem like PIKERS and SMALL FRY by comparison.
Princess Wei's 82 selected best pics from 9X-Day have been posted to alt.binaries.slack. These have been shrunken from their high-res original form to something more downloadable, but they are otherwise unGooed and non-tweaked.
I saw that Sister Decadence and Rev. Ankara have both already posted the first batches of their excellent photos to alt.binaries.slack, as well.
For those who understand only web browsers like Explorer
and Firefox, and don't yet "get" the free
programs for viewing Usenet binaries groups, the photos
can be accessed via
but you should select the option for JPEGS on that page and then tell it to search.
I will eventually put some of this stuff on SubSITE, but with Starwood lurching towards us so soon, I can't say when that will be.
I hope that people who took lots of good photos will mail me CD-Rs of those, if they want them on SubSITE. I got a bit of tennis elbow over the weekend, and repetitive dragging-and-dropping from one-at-a-time photo albums on Con adsites is not in my immediate future. I can put links to those adsites on SubSITE if I know of them. I can't read everything on alt.slack or the SubG forums, so please email me with such links.