In article <19990508130455.10231.00000832@ng-fd1.aol.com>, monsterwax@aol.com (Monsterwax) wrote:
>Everyone knows Legume wants the Holocaustals all to himself.
I've been meaning to do this for quite awhile. I resign as a member of the
Holocaustal faction of the Church of the SubGenius.
This has nothing to do with the Trencoat Mafia, or Papa Joe's "funny" stunt
that screwed me out of several hundred bucks (although implicating the church
in an ongoing murder investigation is FOOLISH in my opinion, akin to hanging
out the "Welcome" mat to folks who'd love to crush us).
It has to do with HATE.
I don't HAVE any.
I'm a changed man, folks. I don't hate anyone anymore, it's not worth my
effort, and takes away my slack. I don't spend my nights brawling in bars and
alleys anymore, and I don't lock horns with Xtian fanatics in their
sanctums...I stay home with my wife, watching tv, and and scratching little
Guinea Pig tummies. I listen to Bob Dylan music while my guns rust quietly in
their holsters.
Anyone here remember the movie "Unforgiven"?
"I'm not that way anymore. My Susi, she cured me of such wickedness."
Any of you don't believe me, ask someone who attended the Boston Undevival.
My entire sermon was an uplifting parable, and contained not even one
enticement to eviscerate ANYONE.
My apologies to my more bloodthirsty comrades.
Ivan, my friend, is there room at the table for one more Ivangelical? My bum
knee makes it hard for me to run, but I can still EAT PUSSY.
Dr. K. "Cortez" Legume
Mecagum les cinc llagues de Crist,
mecagum D'eu, en la creu, en el fuster
que la fue i en fill de puta que va plantar el pi
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: "Rev. Edward strange" <strange@enter.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, May 9, 1999 2:44 PM
Message-ID: <3735E5A5.2951@enter.net>
I for one can attest for Legume's seniments. I've seen the change take
place right before my eyes. Playing with his little Guinea Pigs,
"Wouldn't you rather smash them flat with a great big clown hammer?" I
would ask him only to be answered by calm stare of contentment.
I was there when Legume had his last drunken brawl. It was with me and
I blew his knee out. I can't help but feel responsible for his profound
transformation.
We'll all miss the Old Legume. But if there is one thing we should
learn from him it's that you can always find a home where the well of
Slack never runs dry.
Bios Condios Compadre
Strange
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: amturing@sexzilla.not (Alan M. Turing)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, May 9, 1999 5:33 PM
It's just a phase. As was your Holocaustal activities. As will be the NEXT
thing to grab your comittment. Ride the luck wave and see where it takes
you. The only change that's permanent is death. "Bob" forbid that you try
to keep wearing something that doesn't fit, and in so doing become bored
and boring.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: friday@subgenius.com (Friday Jones)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, May 9, 1999 6:38 PM
>
> My apologies to my more bloodthirsty comrades.
Your more bloodthirsty comrades should bow their heads in AWE at the pure
LoveSlack that flows from you, Legume.
You are an ocean of tranquility, and often I envied how serene you were
while I was falling apart.
I'M JEALOUS OF SUSI, LEGUME!
But don't worry, the Holocaustals will take up the HateSlack for you.
Surely.
--
*** SLAK WARS - EPISODE 1:THE SUBGENIUS MENACE ***
XX-Day Militia Recruitment Un-Devival, April 30, 1999
The weirdest Devival that NEVER was!
Visit http://www.fridayjones.com for details SOON
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: temujin9@io.com (Reverend Imposter Eliot)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, May 9, 1999 8:02 PM
On Sun, 09 May 1999 16:20:16 GMT, legume@subgenius.com (Legume) wrote:
>Any of you don't believe me, ask someone who attended the Boston Undevival.
>My entire sermon was an uplifting parable, and contained not even one
>enticement to eviscerate ANYONE.
I saw this. And I talked to Legume afterward. At first I thought he
was just putting me on, playing the Hannibal Lector bit, but there
wasn't a punchline. That, and the fact that he's actually a good bit
smaller (or at least shorter) than me, threw me off. Here I was,
expecting a gigantic fire-and-brimstone Yeti, and instead I get
somebody who reminded me of a tough Santa.
Combine that all with Friday bowing to *me*, instead of the other way
around, and the entire devival just started feeling really surreal.
temujin9
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, May 10, 1999 4:09 AM
In article <37362dbe.6593859@newsfeed.sexzilla.net>, Reverend Imposter
Eliot <temujin9@io.com> wrote:
> Combine that all with Friday bowing to *me*, instead of the other way
> around, and the entire devival just started feeling really surreal.
Prepare for surprizes. But since you don't know what the surprize will
be, prepare for slack instead.
The Prophet Lilith
--
Popess Lilith von Fraumench * http://come.to/p.lil
SEATTLE BEWARE--The Final SubGenius RE-Devival is COMING
May 28--On The Boards--Visit http://ssucc.ragnarokr.com for details
==== "What is Zen? Duh!" --me === "What is Tao? D'oh!" --Jesus ====
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, May 10, 1999 4:02 AM
In article <7h4ckc$n4c$1@usenet43.supernews.com>, Legume
<legume@subgenius.com> wrote:
> My apologies to my more bloodthirsty comrades.
Poor them. They get to fight over your job.
The Prophet Lilith
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: legume@subgenius.com (Legume)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, May 10, 1999 10:32 AM
In article <37362dbe.6593859@newsfeed.sexzilla.net>, temujin9@io.com (Reverend Imposter Eliot) wrote:
>I saw this. And I talked to Legume afterward. At first I thought he
>was just putting me on, playing the Hannibal Lector bit, but there
>wasn't a punchline. That, and the fact that he's actually a good bit
>smaller (or at least shorter) than me, threw me off.
Shrimpy little Legume, only six-foot-one. Ya giant freak!
> Here I was,
>expecting a gigantic fire-and-brimstone Yeti, and instead I get
>somebody who reminded me of a tough Santa.
>
Ho-ho-homicide. You oughtta see me with a head full of acid. Fun City!
>Combine that all with Friday bowing to *me*, instead of the other way
>around, and the entire devival just started feeling really surreal.
Funny, that was the EXACT same scenario that occurred the first time I met
Stang. Our comic-book personae always seem larger and more fearsome from a
distance, but once you meet us, we're just regular folks trying to have some
fun.
Except for P-lil and Edward Strange. There's NOTHING regular about Plil, and
Strange really IS a brutal thug...
Dr. K. "Cortez" Legume
Mecagum les cinc llagues de Crist,
mecagum D'eu, en la creu, en el fuster
que la fue i en fill de puta que va plantar el pi
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: temujin9@io.com (Reverend Imposter Eliot)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, May 10, 1999 10:12 AM
You *can't* be six-one. I'm only six foot, maybe six one in my boots,
and I was looking down at you. Not horribly, but I was. Although I
could be mis-remembering things, overcompensating for your expected
height. I was the goofy looking pony tailed one in the trenchcoat, who
asked you if you did just Church stuff for work.
Or maybe I'm really taller than I think? Maybe they use different
rulers down in Texas?
>>Combine that all with Friday bowing to *me*, instead of the other way
>>around, and the entire devival just started feeling really surreal.
>
>Funny, that was the EXACT same scenario that occurred the first time I met
>Stang. Our comic-book personae always seem larger and more fearsome from a
>distance, but once you meet us, we're just regular folks trying to have some
>fun.
Stang looked and acted weirder in person than I had expected, although
in an entirely different way. Its funny; I'd listened to tons of BTM
.mp3s, and never realized that the cartoon-like "ieieieie" was
actually Stang warbling his throat. He seemed a little goofier than
the impression I had of him, and a little younger.
Regular, I dunno about. But I can say that you all struck me as very
*nice* folks, with one slight exception[1].
>Except for P-lil and Edward Strange. There's NOTHING regular about Plil, and
>Strange really IS a brutal thug...
I've even been slightly disillusioned by kevbob. He called me the
other day, after I posted my phone number and address in an attempt to
draw a clench together. I have no idea how I expected him to sound,
but he didn't sound quite like it[2].
Which makes me wonder how other people imagine me...
temujin9
1) Some kid, buying from Stang, who seemed a little *too* into killing
Pinks after X-day, in a way that reminded me of Jay from Clerks.
Sort of like those guys at gaming cons who seem a little too into
their favorite game.
2) And he doesn't even consciously try for a personae. Or so he says.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: legume@subgenius.com (Legume)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, May 10, 1999 5:27 PM
Yeah, I remembered you. And yeah, I AM six-one, but I've had this nasty old
back injury flaring up lately, and I was probably a bit hunched over. Plus,
since I wasn't in my "preaching duds" I probably wasn't as "larger than life"
as I normally appear. I was trying to be as low-key as possible, just in case
I had to deal with hostile cops, which was what I expected. Trust me, that
priest collar adds a few inches to your height. That and standing on a four
foot high stage.
>
>Or maybe I'm really taller than I think? Maybe they use different
>rulers down in Texas?
I wouldn't know. I live in Philadelphia.
>Stang looked and acted weirder in person than I had expected, although
>in an entirely different way.
Yeah, he is quite a character.
> Its funny; I'd listened to tons of BTM
>..mp3s, and never realized that the cartoon-like "ieieieie" was
>actually Stang warbling his throat. He seemed a little goofier than
>the impression I had of him, and a little younger.
That warbling sound IS kinda spooky, huh?
>
>Regular, I dunno about. But I can say that you all struck me as very
>*nice* folks, with one slight exception[1].
>1) Some kid, buying from Stang, who seemed a little *too* into killing
> Pinks after X-day, in a way that reminded me of Jay from Clerks.
> Sort of like those guys at gaming cons who seem a little too into
> their favorite game.
Yeah, I had my eye on him. That's one of the things that bugged both me and
Stang. It bugged us because that was EXACTLY the kind of thing that we KNEW
the cops would be looking for, and we tried to avoid it. Hell, that's why I
was wearing that stupid ski cap, because I knew that some cop expecting a
"hate group" would spot my "skin head" right away and jump to some mistaken
conclusion. There was a LOT of tension when we first arrived (hence the paddy
wagon), and I wasn't gonna unveil my chrome dome until I had a chance to
DEFUSE those cops.
Hell, if that kid had caused any trouble, I'd have busted him up and gave him
to the cops myself.
It's kind of tiresome hearing little BITCHES snarling hate and vengeance and
murder when anyone with a teaspoon of sense can see they don't have the
COJONES to actually DO IT. Most of them have never even SEEN a dead man
outside of the movies or maybe in Gramma's coffin.
They're the same kind of people who call a black man NIGGER...after he LEAVES
THE ROOM.
Dr. K. "Cortez" Legume
Mecagum les cinc llagues de Crist,
mecagum D'eu, en la creu, en el fuster
que la fue i en fill de puta que va plantar el pi
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: I Resign
From: temujin9@io.com (Reverend Imposter Eliot)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, May 10, 1999 5:12 PM
On Mon, 10 May 1999 22:27:31 GMT, legume@subgenius.com (Legume) wrote:
>>Or maybe I'm really taller than I think? Maybe they use different
>>rulers down in Texas?
>
>I wouldn't know. I live in Philadelphia.
I...but...uhhh...
I knew that, too, is the really stupid thing. I'd just (re)read your
MASCC notes in the Fist before I wrote that.
For some reason my mind was convinced you lived in Texas. Probably by
some comment of yours of being friends with Stang; while it is easier
today to be friends over the internet and by phone than it was a while
ago, it still doesn't quite do it. I guess you get to a lot of
devivals and so on together, though.
>> Its funny; I'd listened to tons of BTM
>>..mp3s, and never realized that the cartoon-like "ieieieie" was
>>actually Stang warbling his throat. He seemed a little goofier than
>>the impression I had of him, and a little younger.
>
>That warbling sound IS kinda spooky, huh?
It was *funny* more than anything. I thought when I'd heard it that
it was a sample from a cartoon, or some keyboard trick. But I was
standing right next to him during the first bit of applause I was
there for. Definitely cemented my impression of Stang as "loveable
kook" rather than the "wise man playing the fool" image I had.
And now I know how to do the cartoon "boggle" sound the next time I
need it. Comes up more often than you would think...
>>Regular, I dunno about. But I can say that you all struck me as very
>>*nice* folks, with one slight exception[1].
>>1) Some kid, buying from Stang, who seemed a little *too* into killing
>> Pinks after X-day, in a way that reminded me of Jay from Clerks.
>> Sort of like those guys at gaming cons who seem a little too into
>> their favorite game.
>
>Yeah, I had my eye on him. That's one of the things that bugged both me and
>Stang. It bugged us because that was EXACTLY the kind of thing that we KNEW
>the cops would be looking for, and we tried to avoid it. Hell, that's why I
>was wearing that stupid ski cap, because I knew that some cop expecting a
>"hate group" would spot my "skin head" right away and jump to some mistaken
>conclusion.
And here I thought it was your normal dress down appearance, or
something you'd put on to keep your head warm. I'll admit, it did
look a little goofy, but there was also that guy with the Gary Glitter
hairdo. Being a SubGenius helps you get over appearance judgements
pretty quick, or at least expand them until everything can look good
if you think about it.
>It's kind of tiresome hearing little BITCHES snarling hate and vengeance and
>murder when anyone with a teaspoon of sense can see they don't have the
>COJONES to actually DO IT. Most of them have never even SEEN a dead man
>outside of the movies or maybe in Gramma's coffin.
>
>They're the same kind of people who call a black man NIGGER...after he LEAVES
>THE ROOM.
Exactly. EXACTLY. I could almost see Stang cringe when this kid was
buying stuff from him, and I even teased him a little.
But, of course, I was too fucking tactful to say anything right out,
then or later. I don't know why; I'm not worried about offending him,
because I could care less for his opinion. I think its that I still
fear offending some unknown, but cool, third party, by insulting their
friend/brother/punk openly.
Just goes to show that even the hardcore weirdoes[1] in this church
can still be Pink in areas. Mine's politeness and arguing with Pinks.
What's yours?
temujin9
1) Me, not him. I keep getting the feeling that a large majority of
this Church are people who are in it because it makes a good joke,
and because the personalities are more rarified here. Rev. Random,
Pee Kitty, and ebear[2] are about the only others I know who take
it seriously sometimes[2]. But then I could be wrong[3].
2) Ebear takes it a little *too* seriously, IMO. Which doesn't matter
anyway, but I want to work on that reservation of mine.
3) "Bob" knows it wouldn't be the first time[4].
4) Jesus fershliggin' CHRIST! You think the footnotes are bad, you
should see the COPYEDITING I do on these posts. You'd think I was
trying to sell them, or something! Fuggin perfectionism...
Original file name: Legume Resigns Holocaustls
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