From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Modemac)
Date: 1 May 1999
First of all, I must make it clear that these are truly the End Times,
brothers and sisters and othergenders. We are living in an age of
miracles, and I am proud to say that the Church of the SubGenius has its
very own living miracle, with the name of Irreverend Friday Jones. She
busted her ass -- AND her savings -- organizing the Boston Devival, which
promised to be the biggest thing to hit Cambridge since last year's show,
when we sold out the Middle East club. She paid for the club fee, the
plane fares for the preachers, the advertising, and damn near everything
else. AND, when the chips hit the fan and things started getting really
tough, she didn't back down -- she dug in and pulled off a geniune miracle
for us at the last moment! But, it seems that in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, they are trying to outlaw miracles.
Set the Way-Back Machine to Tuesday, April 27, 1999. A certain Cambridge
politician learns that a strange group called the Church of the SubGenius
is holding a Devival here in this fair city, and he is told that this is
cause for worry. It seems that these people are "strange," "unusual," and
perhaps even dangerous! This certain politician nods his head, goes "Uh,"
and says he'll look into it.
Wednesday, April 28: Someone from Florida calls NPR radio's "Talk of the
Nation" and claims that the Church of the SubGenius is affiliated with the
Trenchcoat Mafia. He warns that this group is holding a Devival at the
Middle East, in Cambridge. NPR treats the caller's claim as a joke. But
a number of the show's listeners do not -- and word of this quickly
reaches the ears of a certain Cambridge politician. This politician
suddenly thinks, "Hey, maybe these people really ARE a hate group!" and
starts looking through the various SubGenius Web sites. He (or someone
working with him) ignores all of the terrific artwork, satire, parody, and
humor we pride ourselves with, and compiles a printout of the worst hate
material collected on our Web sites. (For example, look at my own Web
site at http://www.modemac.com/ and look for the section marked "Minions
of the Conspiracy," where I do something so unspeakably awful as to
provide links for your entertainment to racist bastards, other religious
cults, the Christian Coalition, anad NAMBLA.) He then sends this list to
the police and anyone else he knows, warning them that the dangerous "hate
group" is coming to Cambridge, and it's possible that there may be an
The Middle East club receives about a dozen irate phone calls from people
who were offended by the NPR radio crank. In an act that demonstrates a
complete lack of intelligence, the club cowers before a few crank callers
and kicks the Church of the SubGenius out, with less than two days'
notice. Despite the fact that we packed the club and sold out the
upstairs area last year (on a Thursday night, no less), the Middle East
neve wants the Church of the SubGenius to show "Bob's" face there again.
Friday Jones is stuck with expenses running to several hundred dollars.
But Friday isn't your typical everyday woman -- she is a true SubGenius!
Thursday, April 29: Friday Jones pulls off a GENUINE MIRACLE! With less
than 24 hours til the event, she enlists the help of the ACLU and they
provide her with new space for the Devival, at the Old Baptist Church in
Cambridge. And a beautiful place it is, too! Word must be spread of the
last-minue change of venue, so Friday and her faithful supporters kick
into overdrive, doing everything possible to spread the word that the
Devival is still on. The Boston Herald and the Globe both print articles
in their Friday editions mentioning the show's cancellation, though the
Herald also informs its readers of the change of address.
Friday, April 30: After spending the afternoon combing the Harvard Square
area spreading the word of the Devival, I pack together a bag full of
Neat Stuff to bring along for the Devival. At about 6 PM, I park the car
and walk a few blocks to the Old Cambridge Baptist Church -- and am
shocked to see little signs taped to the door saying, "Subgenius event
cancelled - sorry!" I hadn't received any indication of this, so I decide
the best thing to do is check my email. I head off to the Library and
find that there is no email from Friday or anything else about the
Devival. There's no word on alt.slack about the cancellation -- surely by
this time, if there had indeed been a cancellation, word would have
reached the Net in one form or another. So I leave my stuff in the car
and head back to the church once again to see if anyone else has shown up.
Friday is there, along with Dr. Foo, Reverend Ivan Stang, Father Legume,
and others, and here I learn what has happened.
It seems that the church had received a number of strange phone calls
warning them about the Church of the SubGenius. What's more, the police
had been warned by a certain Cambridge politician that a dangerous hate
group was gathering here at the church, and there was a chance that an
"incident" of some sort could take place. The Baptist Church -- which
only has a few staff members, and did their best to accomodate us in every
way -- would not be able to stand up to this sort of problem, and so they
were pressured into shutting down the Devival.
The SubGenii, however, would have none of this. And here, I must once
again say how proud I am to be an ordained minister in the Church of the
SubGenius, for we responded in true SubGenius fashion. Was there a riot?
NO! Was anyone arrested? NO! The police had sent out three cruisers and
two paddy-wagons to deal with this dangerous hate group, but after Friday
Jones spoke with them and the people in charge of running the Baptist
Church, the constables soon left and the SubGenii gathered on the steps of
the church to hold an impromptu outdoor Devival.
Father K'taden Legume, Papa Joe Mama, and Ivan Stang each took their turns
at giving their sermons, and the crowd stayed and ate it up. Brother
Cleve Dunkan, Dr. Foo, and the great King of Slack, Bill T. Miller, put on
an a cappella musican show, and the crowd cheered them on. Despite the
fact that we were outside in 45-degree weather, a sizable crowd of more
than fifty people praised "Bob," with confused passersby walking by the
Church and trying to figure out just what in the world was going on. The
crowd chanted "Praise 'Bob!'" and "Kill 'Bob'!" -- and then the time came
to get serious and dig into our wallets. The Church of the SubGenius
differs from all other religions in that we are not hypocrites -- we WANT
profits, and we are FOR profits, and "Bob" would get some money out of
this, even if it meant trying to talk a crowd of over fifty people into
shelling out the ten dollars they had planned on spending for a
Brothers and sisters and othergenders, this is what makes me proud to be a
SubGenius: In times like this, we take care of our own. Father Legume
explained to the crowd that Friday Jones was up the creek without a paddle
here. She was several hundred dollars in the red, just because a certain
Cambridge politician felt that it was necessary to CENSOR her in the name
of free speech. She needed help. And the crowd opened up their wallets
and DONATED MONEY to help her! Ivan Stang sold a bunch of swag, and "Bob"
actually got money from this night in spite of everything! We stayed and
B.S.ed and had a good time, and we prepared for the next Devival. (Yes,
to that certain Cambridge politician who is certainly reading this
message: THERE WILL BE ANOTHER DEVIVAL. Put that in your Pipe and smoke
It seems, fellow mutants, that my words from last week proved to be
prophetic: "Every Boston Devival has been an unforgettable event in the
history of the Church of the SubGenius." And the Boston Devival of 1999
will certainly be remembered long after a certain Cambridge politician has
been laughed out of office. This affair isn't over -- you will certainly
be hearing a lot more about this in the future. But for now, we can still
be comforted by the fact that in a world controlled by the Conspiracy,
there are still a few abnormals who are willing to make the effort to
help out their own in times of crisis.
And that, fellow mutants, is TRUE SLACK.
First Online Church of "Bob"
(My Web site is proudly listed on Yahoo under "religious sites" for Boston
First Online Church of "Bob"
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