Legume Memorial Report by Pastor Craig

Legume Memorial Report

An artful shot of Dr. Legume after his timely demise (WeiPhoto)

From: craig@cpcn.com (Pastor Craig)
The time: 10/22/95
The place: Cleveland, Ohio
The event: The Dr. Legume Memorial

Kid Ginsu, Rev Nickie, Rev Matt and myself made the day
long trek from the east coast. We were met in Berea Ohio
by our alt.slack hospitality host, Lou Duchez. We called
Tarla Star but she wasn't home.

At the devival, Rev Matt wore an odd looking mask created from a old computer monitor frame. It was called the "InterNHGH." It severally cut down his peripheral vision causing an amusing accident. Matt and Princess Wei R. Doe (looking resplendent in go-go boots) both turned around at the same time and Princess Wei's devil horn got caught in Rev. Matt's nostril.

Lou Duchez performed a impromptu rap music jam by cupping his hands together and creating a slurping sound. Papa Jo Mama joined him on stage and threw down a righteous rap about the power of slack.

Father Joe Mama delivers his REVENGE sermon at Dr. Legume's wake. From StangVid. As heard on HOUR OF SLACK.

The sponsor of the event, Steve Bevilacqua, was worried
about the content of Pastor Craig's rant so we reviewed
Craig's notes. Steve ruled that Pastor Craig's rant was
too depressing, and only let him do two thirds of it to
keep from bumming everyone out.

Rev. Steve Devilacqua's graven image is captured by the soul-swallowing box in this somber moment from the Legume Memorial Wake in Cleveland, 10-22-95. Rev. Devilacqua is saying some sad lie about the dear departed Dr. Legume just prior to Legume's rising from the grave.

Dave Apocalypse of Circus Apocalypse was on hand before the show. Rev Nickie tried out for Circus Apocalypse but her trick went horrible awry. She had to spend the event with a fishhook partially in and partially out of her face.

The band Forms Of Insanity opened the event. Sister Magalena Hagalena Hopeatoken Walkatalka Hogen Logen Pogen and Reverend Genena Grrinder sang backup vocals on the< the song "the Monster Mash." Forms Of Insanity then kicked their lead singer Rev. Toth Wilder out of the band and installed Rev. Genena Grrinder as their lead singer.

(After the event, Sister Magalena Hagalena Hopeatoken Walkatalka Hogen Logen Pogen announced that she had been> signed by Ford Models and had shortened her name to Sister Maghaghopewalkhougelougepouge.)

Rev. Toth Wilder of FORMS OF INSANITY

Dave Apocalypse rode the Greyhound bus from Pittsburgh to
Cleveland because he had a broken right wrist. He was
still able to perform. However when he did his
straight-jacket escape routine he broke his other wrist.
However, he was so macho that no one found out about it.

Lonesome Cowboy Dave performed a brief set before he was
overcome by grief. He was escorted off stage by an
attending physician. The rest of Dave's musical combo
Einstein's Secret Orchestra was on hand for moral support.
(When Michelle walked in she was met by a spotlight and
a dozen paparacci while romantic movie music swelled on
the sound system leaving Cantor Chaz Smith looking very
perplexed. The spotlight, the photographers and the music
tape then mysteriously vanished.)

Lonesome Cowboy Dave nervously poses with Princess Wei just before performing his final salute to Dr. Legume, during which he broke his guitar and three microphone stands.

Reverend Genena took the stage for her tribute to Legume. She had brought with her one of Legume's used condoms. She then drank the contents. When she walked off stage a dozen guys lined up to french kiss her.

Rev. Genenia Grinder auctions one of the glowing radioactive condoms full of Legume-spunk as co-auctioneer Devilacqua expresses his disgust. Rev. Nickie also imbibed of the barely-preserved Legume semen.

Reverend Josh gave an off the cuff remembrance of Legume.
He later got into a fist fight with one of his hecklers.
He kicked the hecklers ass and made him kiss his spike.

Reverend Genena's friend who was going to do a strip tease
was not able to make it. Genena kidnapped Pastor Craig
and prepared to surgically alter him to take the strippers
place. Pastor Craig had taken notes during Dave
Apocalypse's performance and was able to get out of
Genena's straight jacket with manhood intact and only two
dislocated shoulders.

Stang did his rant with his fly down and a mound of purple
underwear hanging out of his pants. Stang was later
heart-broken when he realized that no one noticed.

In Stang's rant he asked for god to kill him, and at that
moment the Bleeding Head Of Arnold Palmer gushed blood from
it's facial wound. Stang yelled "Fuck you God, you missed!"

Stang then went on to denigrate the memory of Legume, until
who should appear behind Stang but Dr Legume himself.

Rev. Stang, after his Legume Memorial sermon, stares aghast at the living Legume, having just finished hollering to the mourners that if there was really a "Bob," Dr. Legume wouldn't be dead.
This photo was taken by Princess Wei R. Doe scant seconds after Legume removed his ghost costume and revealed his still-living identity onstage (much to the subsequent dismay of many alt.slack.shitz).

Lonesome Cowboy Dave threw a chair at Legume and it hit him in the head. "It felt good," he said.

Reverend Suzie was so shocked that she went into a
catatonic state until she was given some of the brain of
"Bob," after which she led a "Bob" Brain food fight.
During the food fight Rev Nickie got some of "Bob's"
Brain on her arm and it cured the stigmata.

I knew that Dr. Legume's plan was to bludgeon everyone
there with his baseball bat. Fortunately, I was able to
slip him a spiked soda pop can. This increased his
susceptibility to hypnotic suggestion. Sister Melodious
Chops and I then led a ten minute chant of "repent!"

Sister Melodious Chopps (rt.) sings her rousing hymn, My Wallet Belongs to 'Bob,' with accompaniment by Princess Wei R. Doe. Pastor Craig's report seems to leave out everything that didn't directly involve him, which was most of it.

Afterwards Legume was back to being a cute fluffy bunny of

Dr. Legume came over to give Nickie a hug and her fishhook
ripped Legume's left eye clean out of it's socket. Legume
put it back and said it felt good and wanted to do it
again, but Nickie didn't want to see it twice.

After Legume's speech he received a standing ovation.
Later, he was offered the role of the devil in the latest
Linda Lovelace Christian sympathizer film.

After the show, Dave Apocalypse killed 1000 flies with one
blow by hitting Legume in the face with a shovel. Legume
then had a deviated septum.

Pastor Craig bitch slapped the Bleeding Head of Arnold
Palmer and forced it to sell it's neck stump along side
of Dr 4 Bob.

Finally, Stang revealed after the show that DaveS was
Really his teenaged daughter who was a computer genius and
secretly ran the church.

Pastor Craig

Postscript: Dr. Legume caught the Bleeding Head of Arnold
Palmer outside and fucked it's neckstump so hard that it
merged with his penis so now when he pisses he has to do it
sitting down because his piss squirts in five directions at
once, one for each ear, nostril and mouth of the BHOAP.

Subject: Re: Cleveland-SOME OF WHAT YOU MISSED
Date: 25 Oct 1995 14:02:51 GMT
From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)

In a previous article, nickie@mars.superlink.net (Rev. Nickie) says:

>At the wonderful Cleveland Legume Wake, had you been there, you would have
>gotten to see the auction of two old condoms full of Legume's radioactive
>spewage, which I bought, and the contents of which I slurped down in front
>of the audience. Nummy!

Uh huh.

Well, that's okay... Although I will say that my attempts to contact
Legume's spirit through the transmutation of Jagermeister haven't
been working... It figures... bastard doesn't want to talk now that
he's had the honor of being dead.

Probably figures it's all a big joke. Well, if I ever do get around
to contacting him, I'll have his soul for lunch with mint jelly on
the side.

lurk... lurk... lurk...

$aint @ndrew, KSC. Ogyr Network. An official SubGenius Mutant-Of-The-Cloth.
snail-mail: Send $2 cash to OGYR NETWORK | PO BOX 53 | PLAINFIELD, IL. 60544
email: saint@firefly.prairienet.org or stumattheand@vax.colsf.edu
www: OGYR NETWORK ONLINE: http://www.prairienet.org/~saint/homepage.html


Subject: Re: Cleveland-SOME OF WHAT YOU MISSED
Date: 25 Oct 1995 15:55:28 GMT
From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez)

Rev. Nickie (nickie@mars.superlink.net) wrote:
: At the wonderful Cleveland Legume Wake, had you been there, you would have
: gotten to see the auction of two old condoms full of Legume's radioactive
: spewage, which I bought, and the contents of which I slurped down in front
: of the audience. Nummy!

It *would* figure, I was busy getting more film at that moment. The shot
of a lifetime and I was worrying about capturing Legume's
soon-to-be-incarnated soul on film. Next time, kindly let me know if
you're gonna do something cool.

Incidentally, be sure to pester Stanky into giving you the photos of the
"Wild Thing" dancin'. I should be seeing him this Friday and he'll have
the whole photographic record (well, three of the four rolls).
Everything except the condom thing, consarn it.
Subject: Re: Cleveland-SOME OF WHAT YOU MISSED
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 1995 21:43:52 edt
From: melkiorp@erinet.com (Farquar Balthazar)
Organization: Discordian Intelligence Agency

>Incidentally, be sure to pester Stanky into giving you the photos of the
>"Wild Thing" dancin'. I should be seeing him this Friday and he'll have
>the whole photographic record (well, three of the four rolls).
>Everything except the condom thing, consarn it.

The "Wild Thing" that you refer to as dancing wouldn't happen to hace had a
chinese hat on would he? Was he wearing a yin yang shirt where the symbol was
made out of flowers? If this is the "Wild Thing" then that wild things name
is Farquar and I am him. I was the only thing dancing was I not? Well,
please to meet your aquantance and I do hope you plan on sending me some
pictures from the gathering. Talk Soon!


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