From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>
PRAISE "BOB" AND HAIL "CONNIE," FRIENDS! Praise "Bob" indeed!
Tonight I'm gonna get back to what matters, friends! For a minute
friends, let's just say, "Fuck it."
"Fuck it" to the funny ha-ha jokes. "Fuck it" to psychotic rants and
poignant blathering, "fuck it" to the sexy flirtations and what all.
Join me in saying, "FUCK IT." And "PRAISE "BOB"!".
FUCK IT! PRAISE "BOB"! Etc.
Because without "Connie" there'd be no "Bob"--BUT WITHOUT "BOB" THERE'D
BE NO CHURCH.
And friends, WE ARE IN CHURCH TONIGHT.
Let me testify to the power of "Bob"--this is very germane, for in the
service of the Church one becomes witness to many miracles and other
Rev. Bevo Youngblood, Yoghini Bitchananda, and I went to Olympia to put
up posters last year, and we noticed a curiously wonderful phenomenon,
a phenomenon of FAITH PUT TO WORK.
We'd walk into a place where the owner would be reluctant to put up a
poster, just because they can't figure out what it is.
Then someone would notice the Dobbshead and start yelling, "Oh...
"BOB"!" And suddenly the owner CHANGED HIS MIND and let us put up the
poster. Needless to say, this was a pretty freaky experience at first,
but we got to likin' it.
This very year, I approached the booker here at the Ballard Firehouse
during a Thursday night metal show, and told him in cold hard
Conspiracy lingo that we could pull a better draw.
He said, "Great, what's the name of your band?"
I didn't even get a chance to bullshit him. "Er, it actually isn't a
band, it's called the Church of the SubGenius...."
At which point the guitarist for the last band started pointing and
screeching at me, yelling, "It's "Bob"! "BOB"! IT'S A BOBTISM!"
AND THAT is why we're here tonight, praise "Bob"!
So when you get down to it, you might think the Church is all about
"slack" or "us vs them" or "fuck 'em if they can't take a joke"-and
count on us to preach about all that and more, friends--
--But DAMN IT TO HELL THE ONLY REAL IMPORTANT THING IS "BOB"! AND DON'T
YOU FORGET IT!
For only "BOB" and "BOB" ALONE has the sales clout to make sure
EVERYTHING GOES YOUR WAY.
This world NEEDS "Bob"--it is LOST without "Bob".
*I* don't need "Bob" anymore... but YOU DO.
The world NEEDS that fropped-up grin!
The world NEEDS that piece of paper with a bunch of dots on it.
The world NEEDS that Sacred PO Box printed under the Dobbshead!
The world NEEDS "Bob" in their VERY HOMES, on their VERY TV SCREENS, on
every web page and on every front page, in every song and on every
The world NEEDS SubGenius t-shirts and bumper stickers and welcome mats
and toilet paper and bullseyes and drug paraphernalia and license plate
The world NEEDS--THIS!!!
pull out Slackware penguin
This is from a company that publishes the Linux operating system under
the name, SLACKWARE.
There are now those who associate the word "slack" with a pipe, even if
it's not entirely clear the penguin is grinning. I mean, it's got a
BEAK, like a PRAIRIE SQUID.
EVEN THROUGH CHEAP NOVELTY RIP-OFFS OF THE CHURCH WE SHALL CONQUER THE
PINKS. EVERY VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT ONLY STRENGTHENS THE CHURCH.
Unless your name is Bob Dean.
Speaking of which, "HEY, CANADIAN FALSE "BOB" DOBBS, are you there?
Come on up onto the stage. I'll give you five minutes."
Ultimately, however, even The Appliance Of The Dobbshead (Trademark)
can get dogmatic. That's fine, because if you think about it, we're
really not THAT different from any other religion, now are we?
Of course we aren't! We do stupid things in the name of invisible
monsters so they don't hex our food, make the sky rumble, or just
outright kill us all, as the Sacred Scribe Rev. Ivan Stang pointed out.
Nothing unusual about that, I bet you've got relatives that believe in
one or more of the spooks.
Now, we KNOW there are religions that make our religion look, oh, SANE,
and even DOWNRIGHT NEIGHBORLY. That's because we have Freedom of
Religion in this country.
But you know what? That means we've got that freedom too! If THEY can
believe any old cockamamie story, and act stupid for their religion....
WE CAN TOO, PRAISE "BOB".
If our spirituality requires us to, say, stuff a pumpkin full of shaved
squirrels, put it on a Pink's head, and gang-bang the pumpkin--why,
that's our RELIGIOUS DUTY! Mounting a pumpkin full of squirrels is
Approved By Dobbs and OK by Uncle Sam!
And then, if our dogma insists that we pack the used pumpkin into a
debeaked and broken-in Prairie Squid.
...Then strap the Squid to our faces and proceed to huff the fumes,
then we can, LEGALLY! Because "Bob" TOLD US TO!
But, you know, friends?
It was "Connie"'s idea in the first place.
But some of you still wonder-"WHY?!?"
I mean, most SubGenii are decent folk! They're intelligent, in their
own peculiar and often unprofitable way, but they don't think the
intelligence is a GOAL, but a simple TOOL, like rocks and sticks, to
build things cooler than rocks and sticks combined!
It wasn't the know-it-all DUMBASS who had an idea, once, on loan....
...But the noble SHITHEAD, running around in the riverbed, banging on
rocks with sticks, who discovered that rocks were SHARP and might be
more painful than just a rock or stick!
And so the Shithead rose up to smite the Dumbass....
...And raped him with the pelvic bone Dumbass found next to that
monolith many seasons ago.
Friends, the ultimate Holy War isn't between Yuppies and Geeks, it's
not between Republicans or Democrats, between Pretty Folk and Ugly
Folk, between Smith and Jones, Holocaustal verses anything, NAY!
It's between the Dumbasses and the Shitheads!
But I'm not talkin' any old shit. I'm talkin' bout the GOOD shit! I'm
talkin' bout the HOOOOOOOLY SHIT! I'm talking about the pure shit that
spews forth from the very bowels of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs! HUNGH!
Now, dear slackren, I want to pause for a second to discuss a subject
I've been pondering lately.
If you've ever heard me rant before, you may have noticed how often I
use the word "shit." Not exactly a lady-like word, don't you think?
So I've been thinking about this. I asked myself, "Popess Lilith, what
is up with you saying 'shit' all the time? Is this some sort of
scatological obsession? Do you have some sort of issue that's
manifesting in your choice of words? Or are you just a damn potty
And I mulled it over. And eventually I came up with the answer:
It's TRUTH IN ADVERTISING, friends. Ain't THAT right?
OH YEAH! Your FAMILY gives you shit! Your BOSS gives you shit! Your
FRIENDS give you shit! You get shit from STRANGERS! The GOVERNMENT! The
JONESES you're trying to keep up with! ME!!! And yes, even "Bob" and
"Connie" give you shit.
They can't help it! They're shaved monkeys!
Monkeys, slackren! Monkeys in a cage, just like at the zoo, flinging
shit at everyone!
Now it's true that we're part human, and therefore not much more than
shaved monkeys ourselves....
...But we are also part YETI! Superior Mutants! The bastard children of
sleeping gods! The rightful heirs to this universe! And we don't have
to take their shit!
And we don't just fling shit back at 'em either, friends! We build
TEMPLES out of the shit! We make shit OFFICES! We build shit BUNGALOWS!
Towers and malls and mobile homes--all made of shit!
Then we get the Pinks to settle into their new homes.
And we wait for the first good rain... to wash the shit and the Pinks
into the sewers, where they belong.
But you may be saying, "Popess Lilith, when's the rain gonna come? I
mean the REAL RAIN, the rain that's gonna wash all the Pinks and shit
down the sewers? That is to say... WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE XISTS?!?
"We've been waiting for the Pleasure Saucers of the Sex Goddesses for a
year and a half now! They were supposed to be here on July 5, 1998, and
they didn't show up THEN, and they didn't show up on July 5, 1999
Frankly, there's been a lot of EXCUSES invented since 1998. But I think
I have the answer.
Ever hear of G. Spencer Brown's book, *The Laws Of Form*? It's one of
the trippiest math books ever written. Seriously. It's MAJOR rip-off
In The Laws Of Form, G. Spencer Brown discusses a famous topological
problem called, "The Travelling Salesman Problem." And while trying to
answer it, he stated a very zen-like principle: "To cross again is not
Bear with me for a second.
Now, July 5 has come around twice and the Xists have yet to manifest.
Therefore, we were DOUBLE-CROSSED! We were crossed in '98, and then we
were crossed again THIS year! And this means we never crossed to begin
with! Therefore, by divine logic, X-DAY NEVER HAPPENED! And thus--the
Xists HAVE to show up NEXT YEAR!
You must come to Brushwood Folklore Center in Sherman, New York, this
July! You know why?
You wanna know why?
Because that's when we throw our big Xist landing party, XXX-Day! For
this time WE'RE GOING HOME! EVEN IF WE GOTTA BUILD SPACESHIPS OUT OF
SODA CANS TO DO IT! HUMANITY WILL BE CRAWLIN' AND SUBGENII WILL BE
(Form XXX-Day salute bit-by-bit)
Cross 'em once... cross 'em twice, THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM!
Triple X Day! Get Off Or Get SCREWED! AMEN, HAIL "CONNIE," PRAISE
"BOB," AND GOOD NIGHT!
The Prophet Lilith
=====Her Ladyship Rev Dkr St Popess Lilith von Fraumench, Esquire=====
===Prophet--Devivor--Corrective Phrenologist--XXX-Day Stage Manager===
==c/o SSUCC--916 NE 65th #369--Seattle WA 98115--ssucc.ragnarokr.com==
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