Well, the first thing we did- well, actually, the VERY FIRST thing any of
us did, up at X-day, was we made sure we had one hell of a good time,
whatever else happened. And that we did, oh, yes, that we definitely did.
When we were done with that, though, the first thing we did was started to
lie. Oh, yes, each and every one of us lied like a motherfucker about what
went on up there. We weren't sure quite whether we wanted to keep on with
the Church, but just doing what we liked, the lies came naturally. One
thing we knew, any so-called religion that can't lie, man, it oughta just
put a bullet in its head to put itself out of its misery. Ain't NO
religion gonna get anywhere without the lies.
So we all came up with our own angle. We knew our religious history. We
knew that which of our spurious refractions of the event would be seen as
the ONE TRUE HISTORY would depend on suspense, intrigue, and bloody wars
killing millions among our offspring, so we might as well have fun with it
now. It was never a question of morality. Anyone willing to die or kill
over something as trivial as whether the giant X showed up at 6 AM or 7 (it
has now, of course, been officially determined as 7 AM) deserved what they
got. So we would say that we had all been ruptured and were actually
clones, we'd say that the aliens turned back when they smelled our
flatulence, oh, hell, anything we could think of. It was FUN, dammit, and
we knew as long as it stayed fun it was still worth doing. As soon as the
first "Pink" was killed for "Bob", that was when we knew it was time for a
new religion, that before long the whole religion would be overrun with
anti-sex crusaders trying to claim that sex with anyone other than your
"True Yeti Mate" was diluting your GENES, and setting down the law that no,
absolutely NOT could you marry that toaster.
That's what religion's about, you know, you have to live your life on the
run. Well, you're never sure if you're chasing something or being chased
by something, that's the thing.. probably both. Of course the Church had
specifically been designed to hold that sort of thing off as long as
possible without collapsing into the oblivion of "in-jokes", and it did
indeed take quite a while for the humans to learn to ignore all of the
IMPORTANT subliminals in the books, but sooner or later they were able to
translate the essence right the hell out of it. Those poor fools don't
even know who the real "Arnold Palmer" was, and they CERTAINLY don't know
that it was supposed to be FUNNY.
Maybe we should've said; maybe we should've told 'em right there in the
books, but it probably wouldn't have helped. They still wouldn't have
gotten it, and, well, I'll tell you one thing we did say in the books, one
thing we said right before downing that Kool-Aid on X-day:
"Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."
And some of us are still joking. It's even funnier now that they're trying
to kill us. Yeah, funny in a sick kind of way, but it always was a pretty
sick Church. And it still is. Cutting off the heads of Church hierarchs
and "launching" them? It's fucking hilarious. Oh, yeah, it's stupid and
sick and depraved and stuff, but it's also funny. Anyway, if they had a
damn bit of sense, they'd have torn up and eaten their membership cards and
renounced their Church membership.. or at the very least stayed silent when
they stopped getting shit from Jesus. You don't see me out there willing
to be a sacrificial lamb for those vultures, do you?
Anyway, I've been able to goad those poor suckers into more stuff from
outside the Church than I ever could have from inside. Now that the Church
has officially been approved by the Ministry of Culture, it's suitable for
jamming. You'd be surprised how much of my "samizdat" has been accepted as
official Church doctrine, even now, even after having been out of touch
with the "hierarchy" for decades. The infamous "Don't Hit the Wall" memo?
And there are others, too. Who do you think it _was_ exactly who led the
Great Crusade against the Discordians? That wasn't what the Church
leadership wanted, I can tell you- they still thought they could sell stuff
to 'em! What was the pretext? Oh yes, I remember- the Discordians had
allegedly stolen the "One True Pipe", or some such thing. I don't think
there even WAS a "One True Pipe", to be honest, at least I never saw such a
thing all the time I was in the Church, but those Bobbies, they ate up
every minute of it. Maybe some Discordians really did steal it, I don't
know.. but the escalation was all us. If we hadn't been cranking out the
militant Discordian propaganda, none of it would ever have happened. Those
damn hippies would probably still be out there smoking weed and blathering
on about how damned "chaotic" they were.
First there was the panty raid on the Discordians.. but that was aborted
soon after it was generally agreed upon that nobody, in fact, _wanted_ the
panties of the Discordians particularly. They came back convinced that
they had the Golden Apple, but of course the Discordians just laughed, as
putting that particular artifact in the hands of others had been the plan
all along. And indeed, that nearly finished off the Church right there..
if the hierarchy hadn't been prescient enough to put it in the hands of
some poor Bobbie with instructions to deliver it to "Bob" in the deep-sea
storage tubes of Atlantis, there wouldn't be a Church today, I guarantee
you that. Other than that, though, the Discordians really didn't do much
aside from laying around smoking dope and calling SubGenii "slackies". We
in fact fabricated nearly ALL the Discordian anti-SubGenius propaganda.
Actually, we ripped most of it off from movies and stuff. For instance,
that famous one that went something like "I fuck you! You are pigs! Your
sons and daughters are pigs!"? That was from _Midnight Express_. I think
DeNiro was in that.
God, did it take so much doing! Maybe Legume could have inspired them to
violence, but he had LONG since defected to Christianity by then, on the
grounds that he figured he could wreak a hell of a lot more havoc in that
religion. And he was right. Hell, within a year he'd resurrected the
Moral Majority, and had them locked in an armed battle to the death with
the Christian Coalition. Hell of a lot more productive than all that
abortion clinic bombing shit, too. I tell you, even AFTER he left the
Church Legume was so important to our cause... two thousand years of
credibility, and Legume single-handedly managed to wipe it out in one
life-time. A great man, he was, despite what the official Church party
line is on him. I mean, you know what they say about ME, don't you?
Bizarre psychosexual perverted weather criminal, stuff like that.
Actually, they were saying that about me back when I was still _in_ the
Church. Only difference is that now they think that's a BAD thing.
Well, like I say, it took some doing, but after a while we had 'em
convinced that the only solution for it, the only way they would _ever_ get
the One True Pipe back, was to go out in the streets, hunt down all the
Discordians, and shoot 'em in the head. What was the total body count?
One million "Discordians" killed? Two? Of course, there weren't more than
a couple thousand Discordians in the whole country EVER, but you know how
the hated enemy gets into that habit of hiding in every nook and cranny it
By that point, of course, the Church had not only the seven nukes, but its
own munitions factory out in Malaysia. That was always a primary motive-
profit. "We're prophets and we want profits"- isn't that what they always
said? Well, they made a killing out of that one- no pun intended.
Anyway, they never did find that Pipe, but they always had the best
punchlines.. well, not BEST, but they were so STUPID, that they worked.
X-day- perfect example. Anyway, in this case- two million? three? dead?
They came out and said, "'Bob' had it stuck up his butt the whole time."
Ha! Yeah, they could still crank out the yuks, even as late as that.
Yeah, back to X-day. You know what the funny thing about all that is?
There were dozens of people videotaping. There's an honest, factual record
of damn near everything that happened up there. It'd be simplicity itself
to buy all the videos from the Church, watch 'em, and debunk all the myths
that have grown up around them. Hell, it'd probably only be a couple
thousand to get copies of the complete footage. That's nothing these days.
But nobody does! Hide in plain sight- that's another thing the Church was
always good at...
"Marry a rat or a dog late in life. Avoid monkeys."
- My Chinese Fortune (oh by the way remove whats to email)
JIGGY WEEK: http://www.thepoint.net/~twgs/jiggy/jiggy.htm
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