Subject: Re: How should these pinks die?
Date: Tue, 09 Jun 1998 14:19:07 +0100
'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth wrote:
> With X-Day 28 days away, i'm sure allmost all of you are thinking
> about how you would like to see some of the more annoying pinks suffer
> and die. What i'm asking is, are there any pinks that you think should
> suffer more then the rest? Who are they, and how should they be
I refer you to the settlement reached at the conclusion of the 132nd
alt.slack civil war, the "UP AGAINST THE WALL, PINKBOY" treaty, ratified
22nd August 1991. Excerpts follow:
THE GRAMATICALLY INCOMPETENT: 45 thin nails to be pounded through the
top of the skull by skilled technicians in such a way as to be regularly
spaced throughout the motor cortex. The nails will then be connected to
the mains, via an voltage-adjustable transformer, so that the exact
timing and violence of their spasms can be perfectly sculpted as the
remaining brain tissue is seared away in a scientifically controlled
LANDLORDS: permanent imprisonment in a small cell with dank,
fungal-encrusted walls and rivulets of slime across the floor. A
searchlight will permanently be shone through the bars, allowing for
clear viewing of the 2ft high ceiling, the mirrored walls, the bowl of
dog food, the anti-radiators, and the muzak system piping the
amplified sound of fingernails scraping down a blackboard. The
unfortunate inhabitants will wear uncomfortable rubber masks that
makes them resemble themselves, but with comedically large noses. A
small fee will be charged for the privelege of poking them with a
sharp pointy stick.
TREKKIES: buggered to death by fat Glaswegians in red jumpers.
ELDERLY AMERICAN COUPLES ABROAD: boiled to death in large vat of lard,
treacle, crude oil, feathers, Jeyes Fluid, ammonia, "Bud" beer,
patchouli oil, unspecified mucus, ghee, prawn cocktail, excrement,
monosodium glutumate, musk, fishpaste, cigarette ash, crab paste,
Dandelion and Burdock, haggis, and melted Pritt stick. If they have
names like "Spud" or "Boleena", the mixture will be heated so slowly
that they don't even notice as they are brutally boiled into oblivion.
DOCTORS, ESPECIALLY PSYCHOANALYSTS: first forced to become French
citizens. After being mocked for this by general populus, they will be
allowed to continue in their former professions. However, in the
prefrontal lobes, a tiny bomb will be implanted, by a renegade
turncoat quisling traitor rogue surgeons' special surgical strike
squad unit which is going to be set up. Anyone having to consult one
of these persons will be given a remote control detonator that
allows them to explode the head if the talking to the stupid fuck
turns out to be more painful than suffering through the fucking
disease. These are the kind of people that keep you spending your
hard-won last fag-end years of existence hooked to large purple pills
that physically force you to keep on living even though your brain
went long ago and all you can do is drool, babble about childhood
memories, and generally annoy your descendants simply by
existing. Exploding their heads should be a right, not a
privelege. The cathartic effect this will have should have very many
benefits the nature of which are fucking obvious, you moron.
AYN RAND TRUE BELIEVERS: encased in concrete, gilded, and placed on
display on the top of 30ft. poles as ornamental statuary.
STUPID DRIVERS: transformed by super SubG surgery into Living Motorbike
Frames for Comedically Fat, Hairy and Stinky Bikers.
POLITICIANS: sewn into a small sack with a reporter, an adder, a rat,
and lots of banana custard. The sack is to be hung from a large
gallows arrangement by a very thin rope. Surrounding the gallows will
be a large concrete pool full of sulphuric acid, encircled by a wall
of fire. At the top of the rope, a large circular piece of silver foil
will be attached, and a flock of blue tits will be released into the
arena, just after the sack is machine-gunned to fuck. Why not?
CHRISTIANS: fed to Space Monkeys.
DISCORDIANS: drowned before birth.
UFOLOGISTS and PEOPLE THAT COMPLAIN THAT YOU'VE COOKED THEIR BOILED EGGS
FOR TOO LONG: a thin strip of beef jerky or "Pepperami" snack food to be
superglued to their face in the style of a ridiculous pencil
moustache, and then their head to be held underwater in a tank
containing specially bred water-breathing pirrhana rats for 3
minutes. And then chop the top of their head off with an axe and scoop
the innards out with a very large spoon.
Sa-ti muste vampirii curul!
From: "'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth" <email@example.com>
Popess Lilith von Fraumench wrote:
> Back on <357D364B.40C2@cogsci.ed.ac.uk>, firstname.lastname@example.org rattled hir
> >I refer you to the settlement reached at the conclusion of the 132nd
> >alt.slack civil war, the "UP AGAINST THE WALL, PINKBOY" treaty, ratified
> >22nd August 1991. Excerpts follow:
> APPROVED BY DOBBS.
Thanks. I'll stop with the dumb questions.
In this vain, today at work i came in contact with one of the pinks
that made my childhood a hell today. The hate and rage boiled inside
me. I just wanted to break his damn fingers.
But i told myself "26 More days, 26 more days..." and smiled.
I only ask that i be allowed to watch the pinks from my childhood
suffer and die. I want the last thing they see is my face, and the last
thing they hear is my voice, laughing at their pain. Thanks.
'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth.
From: email@example.com (Ann Landers)
On Tue, 09 Jun 1998 22:25:28 -0600, axel@SPAMXverinet.com (axel heyst) wrote:
> >DISCORDIANS: drowned before birth.
> That's a hell of a loophole for those who already took the slide 'o' life!
> Is anybody looking into this?
> Concerned in Colorado
Dear Concerned in Colorado,
It would appear that you suffer an acute case of a rare but serious
disorder known as Narcoleptic Oedipal Myslexia. Your insecurity about your own
sexuality and your feelings of inadequacy concerning the size of your sexual
organ have created in you an intense, yet sublimated desire to kill your father
and possess your mother. These overwhelming subconscious pressures, because they
cannot be expressed directly and in their natural form, have manifested as a
puerile attempt to lash out at Discordians, because the Discordian religion is
the "mother" of your own faith, while each individual practitioner of
Discordianism (such as those in the newsgroup alt.discordia) represents the
"father" figure. The narcoleptic aspect of your disorder is not personal, but is
imposed upon those who you attempt to ridicule. Because your subconscious mind
is aware that your actions, while they may bring temporary relief, are incapable
of satisfying your needs in the long term, it sabotages your efforts to "flame"
Discordians by rendering your posts dull and wearying, inducing sleep in their
readers. I urge you to seek professional psychiatric treatment for this tragic
From: "Rev. CEO CJ Venture" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Ann Landers wrote:
> On Tue, 09 Jun 1998 22:25:28 -0600, axel@SPAMXverinet.com (axel heyst) wrote:
> > >DISCORDIANS: drowned before birth.
> > That's a hell of a loophole for those who already took the slide 'o' life!
> > Is anybody looking into this?
> > Concerned in Colorado
> Dear Concerned in Colorado,
> It would appear that you suffer an acute case of a rare but serious
> disorder known as Narcoleptic Oedipal Myslexia. Your insecurity about your own
> sexuality and your feelings of inadequacy concerning the size of your sexual
> organ have created in you an intense, yet sublimated desire to kill your father
> and possess your mother.
ummm.. very interesting... unfortunately we all did psych 101 in High School, so
what is it you are bringing to the thread exactly?
> These overwhelming subconscious pressures, because they
> cannot be expressed directly and in their natural form, have manifested as a
> puerile attempt to lash out at Discordians,
False he is lashing out at alt.discordia
> because the Discordian religion is
> the "mother" of your own faith,
ok, you have a point now?
> while each individual practitioner of
> Discordianism (such as those in the newsgroup alt.discordia)
STOP RIGHT THERE MISSY! There is a HUGE difference between Discordianism and
alt.sputtering.roachfarts as one is a true religion and the other is just a putrid
little stagnant pond where nothing happens, nothing is debated, nothing EVER comes
out but fetid AIR. It's like a fart, but it's a newsgroup. It stinks at first than
you forget all about it. Then one of THEM comes fart in your NG so you tell him to
fart somewhere else, because they stink!
You guys wanna put up with annoying wankers like Timmy Sutter, F-I-N-E, but why
bring him to us? What did we ever do to you? Damn!
> I urge you to seek professional psychiatric treatment for this tragic
I urge you to get laid more often. There is a french expression that goes : "
mal-baisée" the exact translation would be : badly screwed or screwed in an
unsatisfactory manner. You, ma chère, are mal-baisée.
you stole that, Bitch!
Rev.CEO CJ Venture
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