From: Dr. Hieronymous Zinn, Secretary to the Congregation for
the Promulgation of the Faith, Phoenix Metropolitan Area (SE),
currently living in exile most of the time.
(posted by monet)
To: His Irreverent Reverendship, The Most Magnificant and
Merciful, The Lord High Protector of the Faithful, The Scourge
of the weak and pitiful infidel, Champion of Slack and Ultimate
Mutator, His Perverse Nocturnal Eminence Ivan Stang
Subject: Evil deeds and dark doings
It is with a great sadness of heart that I must report on
the events leading up to and concluding the most recent
unpleasantness in Thy Holy Dee of Phoenix, Arizona.
Some months ago, it was learned by an infiltrator/agent
of the (good) Jujuit Order (and dutifully reported to his
superior, Your most loyal and faithful servant Free. Miguel
Spinkter, and through this dear friend and associate of "Bob"
to myself,) that an assemblage of fallen SubGenii and other
vermin had convened a 'Livevil', an Ecru Mass, whose sole
purpose was to bring about the regeneration, and subsequent
conquest of the world by none other than the Anti-"Bob"!
E. Pluribus Anum. This being the collected words of the
scholar Monswinger Christopher, a compilation of the known
aspects of the MOLDIEST OF HOLIES, UNHIGH BALANCED DEAMON
DEITY, HIS CHIEF BITCH CONCUBINE, and DEAMON
PRINCE BALANCED, HIGH LORD in Phallus and third aspect
of the MOST UNHIGH Triumvirate; to include subordinate
aethereal beings of relative incontinence and bureaucracy.
In Flagellante Delicto. This also being what is known of those
cursed and afflicted beings who were stripped of power over
all things yet inveigle and covet domination over the world
of men, whilst retaining aspects of reason and moderation.
In Excelsior Axolotl. The leader of this anti-cult has been
identified as one "Navi Gnats." What follows is a summary of
events at the Livevil:
July 5th, 1997, 7:00pm--With a great hue and cry, the great
ritual of cleanliness begins with the burning of men's ties--
to insure the retention of flatulence. At great personal risk
and with unending sorrow, Monswinger Christopher burns his
tie, solely to protect his concealed identity. (He had fasted
from Mexican food and BEER a fortnight to minimize the risk of
7:05pm--Advances the infidel "color guard" of spammers and other
pinks. They carry the banner of the one-world government and
the standard of the anti-"Bob" to the Musak-version accompaniment
of "In the year 2525." They are followed by a dozen virgins
wearing "Just Say No" and "D.A.R.E." tee-shirts, as the honor
guard to "Oliph Q. Dormammu," who carries in an icon one preserved
hair alleged to be that of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs!
7:10pm--Monswinger Christopher shut his ears so as not to hear
the foul invocation of the mullah "Rojan Hypospikes," spoken as
lyrics to the foul music of 'Muscrat Love.' He reported that he,
so as to prevent himself from going deaf or mad, had to chant to
himself the words to 'Purple Haze' over and over again. (To his
credit, he still suffers from some hearing loss.)
7:15pm--Chicken ala king and marshmallow pie are served. M.
Christopher blames his trombone-vomiting on "paraslack poisoning."
7:30pm--false pope and underlord "Navi Gnats" enters the banquet
hall, loudly proclaiming to the assembled that he is THY evil
clone brother, nay even THY twin and counterpart. About him there
is an foul aura of order and sanity. M. Christopher almost faints
when this awful personage hands out envelopes, EACH OF WHICH
CONTAINS $30, to the crowd.
7:45pm--Ritual dance of the lawyers. A foul and profane thing.
9:00pm--Sanctification of the virgins. Each is honored and told
to respect their sexuality until after marriage. Then each are
forced to swear before the (now active) regeneration chamber of
the anti-"Bob" that they shall never enjoy sex, even afterwards.
(M. Christopher reports that he managed to nail three of them
during the lunch break, by putting 'Frop in their milk. It was
not the best for him, but he considered the menage a' quartre
a spiritual necessity. He describes the wenches as "pretty damn
11:00pm--Wide screen TV briefing on the anti-"Bobs" current stock
and mutual fund portfolios: it is noticed that he has significant
exposure in Microsoft, Sears, Exxon and Lippo Group.
11:30pm--Guest appearance by Michael Eisner.
Midnight--Efforts to regenerate the anti-"Bob" prove unsuccessful.
Evil celebrants depart.
1:00am--Monswinger Christopher returns, is placed in intensive
Actions taken: Free. Miguel Spinkter orders the 5th
Consanguidor legion to purge the malefactors. Their leaders
escape with the regeneration chamber, but the rest of the ecru
congregation are purged by fire and the sword. Many
confessions are obtained, but it is not known whether the
Anti-"Bob" now lives.
This humble servant request that it be known, and due
dilligence taken this X-Day.
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