So you want to die. Life's just too bleak, or your dog has passed on before you, or what have you. It's your life. It's your choice. And your choice is to end it. But you want a way that'll be SURE. FOOLPROOF. (Not to imply that you're a fool, mind you). You want to be DEAD and GONE. No slip-ups. No going around the rest of your life as a wheelchair-riding smashed lump of meat or, worse yet, a bedridden carcass that STILL WANTS TO DIE and cannot!
Well, the Church of the SubGenius knows a way that you can kill yourself that WILL NOT FAIL! You are absolutely, positively, GUARANTEED to DIE! In fact, no matter what you do, YOU WILL DIE!
And it will be FAST - no lingering in a hospital waiting to pass through. A POOF! of flame and you're gone. And best of all - YOU CAN'T BACK OUT. Nothing you can or will do will avert your own DEATH!
And we even know the exact DATE you will die! July 5th, 1998, at 7 AM! Isn't that great?! Think of the betting possibilities! Think of the insurance company possibilities! Think of all the people you could KILL if you knew that you were going to die and thus escape all possible punishment!
The method of your suicide is SIMPLE. Just send $30 to:
The SubGenius Foundation
PO Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
And that's it! No hitmen will call! You can even dial 1-888-669-2323 and put the charge on your credit card! And then on that fine July morning, you will be RUPTURED. Of course, you'll hear Church members talking about the Rupture being the gateway to a whole new life abourd flying saucers filled with aliex sex goddesses.
DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. YOU WILL DIE JULY 5TH, 1998 AND NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL STOP IT!
AND - the date of your death is just a few short months away! Just think, suicide has never been cleaner, neater or simpler. No mess for the family to clean up!
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Original file name: Friday's KILL YRSELF
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