Why I Want to Fuck Cthulhu

by Dan Clore

During these assassination fantasies

Cthulhu and the conceptual shipwreck. Numerous studies have been
conducted upon patients in terminal paresis (G.P.I.), placing Cthulhu in
a series of simulated shipwrecks, e.g. multi-ship disasters, head-on
collisions, harbor attacks (fantasies of Presidential assassinations
remained a continuing preoccupation, subjects showing a marked
polymorphic fixation on forecastles and rear cargo holds). Powerful
erotic fantasies of an anal-sadistic character surrounded the image of
the Presidential contender. Subjects were required to construct the
optimum nautical disaster victim by placing a replica of Cthulhu's
cephalopod head on the unretouched photographs of shipwreck fatalities.
In 82 percent of cases massive rear-end collisions were selected with a
preference for expressed fecal matter and rectal hemorrhages. Further
tests were conducted to define the optimum model-year. These indicate
that a three-year model lapse with Lascar sailor victims provide the
maximum audience excitation (confirmed by manufacturers' studies of the
optimum nautical disaster). It is hoped to construct a rectal modulus of
Cthulhu and the nautical disaster of maximized audience arousal.

Thurston became increasingly obsessed

Motion picture studies of Cthulhu reveal characteristic patterns of
facial tonus and musculature associated with homoerotic behaviour. The
continuing tension of buccal sphincters and the recessive tentacle role
tally with earlier studies of facial rigidity (cf., Tsathoggua,
Yibb-Tstll). Slow-motion cine-films of campaign speeches exercised a
marked erotic effect upon an audience of spastic squatters. Even with
New England's traditional "salt of the earth" the verbal material was
found to have minimal effect, as demonstrated by substitution of an
edited tape giving diametrically opposed opinions. Parallel film of
rectal images revealed a sharp upsurge in anti-Semitic and concentration
camp fantasies (cf., anal-sadistic fantasies in hysterical Levantines
induced by rectal stimulation).

with the pudenda of the Presidential contender

Incidence of orgasms in fantasies of sexual intercourse with Cthulhu.
Patients were provided with assembly kit photographs of sexual partners
during intercourse. In each case Cthulhu's cephalopod head was
superimposed upon the original partner. Vaginal intercourse with
"Cthulhu" proved uniformly disappointing, producing orgasm in 2 percent
of subjects. Axillary, buccal, navel, aural, and orbital modes produced
proximal erections. The preferred mode of entry overwhelmingly proved to
be the rectal. After a preliminary course in anatomy it was found that
caecum and transverse colon also provided excellent sites for
excitation. In an extreme 12 percent of cases, the simulated anus of
post-colostomy surgery generated spontaneous orgasm in 98 percent of
penetrations. Multiple-track cine-films were constructed of "Cthulhu" in
intercourse during (a) campaign speeches, (b) rear-end nautical
collisions with one- and three-year-old model changes, (c) with rear
cargo holds, (d) with Esquimaux child-atrocity victims.

mediated to him by a thousand bas-reliefs.

Sexual fantasies in connection with Cthulhu. The genitalia of the
Presidential contender exercised a continuing fascination. A series of
imaginary genitalia were constructed using (a) the mouth-orifices of
Shub-Niggurath, (b) a steam yacht rear smokestack, (c) the assembly kit
prepuce of President Azathoth, (d) an Esquimau-victim of sexual assault.
In 89 percent of cases, the constructed genitalia generated a high
incidence of self-induced orgasm. Tests indicate the masturbatory nature
of the Presidential contender's squatting posture. Statuettes consisting
of soapy, greenish-black stone models of Cthulhu's alternate genitalia
were found to have a disturbing effect on hysterical Levantines.

The motion picture studies of Cthulhu

Cthulhu's facial feelers. Studies were conducted on the marked
fascination exercised by the Presidential contender's facial feelers. 65
percent of male subjects made positive connections between the facial
feelers and their own pubic hair. A series of optimum facial feelers
were constructed.

created a scenario of the conceptual orgasm,

The conceptual role of Cthulhu. Fragments of Cthulhu's cinetized
postures used in the construction of model psycho-dramas in which the
Cthulhu-figure played the role of husband, university librarian,
gentleman scholar, decadent college student, etc. The failure of these
roles to express any meaning reveals the non-functional character of
Cthulhu. Cthulhu's success therefore indicates society's periodic need
to re-conceptualize its political leaders. Cthulhu thus appears as a
series of posture concepts, basic equations which re-formulate the roles
of the eldritch and anality.

a unique ontology of cosmic horror and disaster.

Cthulhu's personality. The profound anality of the Presidential
contender may be expected to dominate the United States in the coming
years. By contrast the late Yog-Sothoth remained the prototype of the
oral object, usually conceived in pre-pubertal terms. In further studies
Cubo-Futurist painters were given the task of devising ritual sex
fantasies involving Cthulhu. Results confirm the probability of
Presidential figures being perceived primarily in genital terms; the
face of Nyarlathotep is clearly genital in significant appearance -- the
nasal prepuce, scrotal jaw, etc. Faces were seen as either circumcised
(Nyarlathotep, Hastur) or uncircumcised (Yog-Sothoth, Azathoth). In
assembly-kit tests Cthulhu's face was uniformly perceived as a penile
erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of

Dan Clore

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