Rev. Ivan Stang
May 27

Like Bob Larson said, if you're being shot at, then you know you're on the front lines. You know you're right in the middle of the fight. You definitely AIN'T just sitting on the sidelines, watching and whining.

When you have three radio jocks all making fun of your accent and saying, "Duh-huh, fuck you, yer stoopit" because you were running anti-religion logical conundrum rings around their every vulgar, dumbass insult, you know you're FIGHTING "BOB'S FIGHT. Moreover, you know that "BOB" WAS NOT KIDDING. "BOB" WAS RIGHT.

One of Pope David N. Meyer's new RINGING PRONOUNCEMENTS that floored us all in Boston goes like this:

"Back in the 1980's, children, we were FUNNY.

Now, in the '90s, children... we're only... RIGHT."

We're still doing drive-time rock jock quickie radio interviews... I dunno WHAT they're telling each other about us, but the last three have STARTED OUT HOSTILE. The Cleveland Pink drive-time jocks were pretty insulting yesterday, but the San Francisco fuck-wads this afternoon were certainly the most downright FRAT-RAT-PINK *YET.* It literally did end with the three jock boys making fun of my accent and saying, "Fuck you, you're just stoopit." This was the "Doghouse" show on KYLD. They must have been taping it to play later after editting (CHICKENSHITS!!! AFRAID TO GO TOE TO TOE LIVE!!). Utter pussies. Typically they START OUT being nasty, expecting some weakly timid cultist they can pick on, and, getting something BEYOND THEIR KEN instead, go on the defensive and become REALLY nasty -- at which point I usually push straight into the most pointed anti-religion lines at my disposal, knowing they aren't gonna keep me on much longer. I have done this routine SO many times that I have at least TEN comebacks for ANY possible Pink Boy insult they can throw at me.

But I have to admit, it isn't a very pleasant way to start the day.

But today is a GREAT DAY ANYWAY!! My AIR CONDITIONING is fixed and it only cost $50!! My TOOTH is CROWNED, the dentist just YANKED OUT that temp tin-can and EPOXIED IN that specially-molded Stang-fitting new transmitter/crown, and my JAW STOPPED HURTING and my BRAIN STOPPED HURTING! It RAINED LIKE GANGBUSTERS in Dallas and washed away the FILTH and the TOXIC CLOUDS from the Southern Econocataclysm from the air. All that happened yesterday, and today I am REAPING THE BENEFITS! I feel GREAT!!! BRING ON THE PINK JOCK TALK SHOW DRIVE TIME FUCKS!!! LEMMA AT 'EM!!

Tomorrow at 7 am Eastern it's Dr. Legume guesting on Rocket Morning Crew on WRKT in ERIE, PA! (I feel sorry for them.) Then I guest at 8 am CST on KKXL 92.9 somewhere in Nrth Dakota -- which I'm looking forward to, because it CANNOT be a nasty big city drive time show; most likely a "young country" kind of semi-po'bucker show, which I can usually handle just fine, everybody has fun, and nobody makes fun of my accent or is out to PROVE anything.

I tell ya, these Classic Rock Drive Time Jocks must be the most insecure motherfuckers in the WORLD. Caged chimps jacking off to Howard Stern. The only one of those bastards who's WORTH a shit. Even if he hasn't made time for us yet.

Jesus has been calling Stern's office EVERY DAY. Seriously. EVERY DAY. He talked to Babba Booey the producer at one point but since then, it's been a different intern every day. None of them have been rude assholes, though. He says all the Stern people so far have been very polite and for-real.

I don't want to talk in public about what ASSHOLES are SOME of the show-biz folks that Jesus has also talked to... people associated with various other shows and magazines. Just wait'll X-Day.

Another Doktor is working on the Jerry Springer folks. (This is another situation where I can't name names, or it might spoil the uh, special trick.)


We have managed to be on the PINK DRIVE TIME TOP STATIONS IN EVERY BIG CITY IN AMERICA (just about) in the last month or so, and we tell them all about X-Day and how $30 can save them, AND THEY CALLED US "STUPID" and LAUGHED AT US.

We sent out press releases to ALL MEDIA WORLDWIDE, and 99% THREW IT IN THE TRASH.

Can't whine from within the cages of ever-burning fire that we didn't TRY. Nosirmaam.

We ARE getting through to a few more of that tiny smattering of unsaved SubGeniuses among the population, though. Even if each short talk show appearance only gets the message (and the PO box, etc.) to ONE LONE SUBGENIUS driving to work in rush hour, IT'S WORTH IT!!! Because ONE SUBGENIUS is worth EIGHT BILLION PINKS. (Simple math -- every SubGenius is different, every Pink is THE SAME BEING, all sharing what might as well be ONE HUGE FAT PINK SOUL.)

Well, FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE. All those rock jocks have BOSSES and have to get up early and KISS ASS. Jesus and me? Our boss is that man J.R. "BOB" DOBBS. He lets us do WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT TO DO, WHEN WE FUCKING WELL WANT TO DO IT! And that's EXACTLY WHAT I THINK I'M GONNA GO DO, RIGHT NOW!!

OOOPs, oh yeah, SUBSITE! It should be up and running again on bluegravity.com's machines (same URL as before for SubSITE), well, ANY MINUTE NOW. We THOUGHT it would be this morning.

But GET THIS -- SimpleTon.com, which JUST KICKED US OFF for "nudity" -- yeah RIGHT, as if they didn't carry TONS of NON-blasphemous nudie sites -- THEN sent us a letter (from a different DEPARTMENT, I suppose), informing us that they had come to realize that 5% of their sites were getting 90% of their traffic and thus using 90% of their resources -- DUH -- and that therefore, those 5% would have to pay a slight price increase from $20 a month to $200 a month. SubSITE, of course, was one of those monstro 5-percenters.... and the HILARIOUS thing about this is, we MIGHT have actually FALLEN for this ridiculous deal, HAD THEY NOT ALREADY SHOWED US WHAT THEY WERE MADE OF!

Pinkness. Pinkness, pinkness, pinkness.

Dobbs, bring forth all of the MIGHTY in these last days, draw towards your Church those LAST FEW WORTHY, the COVENANT people, the CHILDREN of the Yeti, that the Saucers may be full, and that there be enough to help us reap... THE HARVEST. Bring forth the Holocaustals, Dobbs, to KILL for you. Bring forth the Ivangelicals, Dobbs, to FUCK for you. Bring forth the Connietites to bear the Seed and order the rest of us around.


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