WELCOME TO MY PLEASURE SAUCER, MY FELLOW YETI! You may still think you're on "Earth", that you DIDN'T rupture like the book SAID you would. Praise DOBBS, EVERY ONE OF US HAS been transported via the Dimensional Gateway to OUR NEW EARTH! Completely IDENTICAL to the Old Earth in EVERY DETAIL! This NEXT year is just gonna fucking FLY BY thanks to the new time-control circuits now in place.
But remember next year, we celebrate the 1st Anniversary, so we don't have
to wait for the saucers anymore, but things might really start going to
Hell if we stopped celebrating this damn holiday. So ALWAYS make plans to
BE AT BRUSHWOOD!
How can I prove that we ARE on the Pleasure Saucers? Well, if you've
listened to the radio on YOUR way "home" today, you'd know. The Pinks in
this re-construct are killing each other off LEFT AND RIGHT, shooting
themselves in high-speed cop-car chases. Blowing each other up as the
fireworks they were lighting suddenly misfired. Exploding toxic waste
factories and sending clouds of POISON out to kill MORE Pinks!
What a bizarre experience, eh?
I've just gotten "home" (home being the re-construction of the "old home"
I left at 7AM) and while unpacking and eating a homemade cheeseburger, I
discovered something that was a total shock to me.
I left my last bag of 'frop BEHIND.
SON OF A BITCH!
I know, I know. I can hear Legume yelling at me, "What kind of SubGenius
FORGETS his 'frop?". I can hear Stang saying, "Damn, of all the things to
lose.". I hear G. Gordon Gordon saying, "That 'frop Rocknar brought to
smoke with ME right before he LEFT? LET'S FORM A SEARCH PARTY TO GO FIND
Yes. THAT 'frop. With a million thoughts running through the head all at
once, the one I put in the BACK of my head was the thought. "Hey, where'd
I put my supply of 'frop?"
Heaven forbid had the Dobbshead FAILED to ward off the damn Conspiracy
Enforcers, like Modemac said it would, at least I would have been SPARED
the horror and terror of surrendering to the authorities.
(It really did work, and I was amazed as how EASY the ride home was.
But fuck it, if Dobbs wanted me to have that 'frop, he'd have sent me a
Dimensional Gateway Fed-Ex delivery so I'd have it BACK by now, just so I
wouldn't have to drive ANOTHER 8 hours on no sleep to discover it was LONG
LONG since gone. If it went to a SubG, then perhaps it was my destiny to
LEAVE it behind FOR THEM, so that OTHERS might taste the fine crop of
P. S. I'll DEFINATLY need to design a larger map that details WHERE Sports
Land IS, to know who now LIVES IN THE NEW SUBGENIUS UNITED STATES OF
I DO have all the OTHER cool stuff I brought back.
Like Spike Jonez's switchblade, thanks Legume. Spike's blade. And I sort
of hit the nail right onto the shrunken head when I told him, "Even
Spike's blade didn't have the balls to come out all the way."
(I know Spike's reading this now. *sigh* Spike, no hard feelings. I WILL
NOT lose that blade and you WILL get it back...eventually. BTW Spike,
why'd you have to say "You'll soon see Dobbsheads EVERYWHERE!" I HAVEN'T
STOPPED SEEING DOBBS IN EVERY TREE AND ROCK AND BLADE OF GRASS AND EVERY
SQUARE INCH OF HIGHWAY ON THE WAY BACK DAMMIT! AAAAAAAAAUGH!)
But since I had the courage to walk right into the rock and stick
challenge by Legume and come out of it a man, whereas I heard you had to
have the BOAT deliver you and then bring you back, because you were afraid
to get your feet wet. Fuck the boat. Just go in and get dirty and get the
job DONE! (STRANGE wanted to take ME fishing too, but I was almost pretty
sure he wouldn't let me keep the one thing I'd NEED in that pond, my
Many others are out there seeing this going "What kind of IDIOT would walk
into a pond of raw sewage, just to impress Christina Bucket?" What kind of
idiot would let themselves get chucked into the same pond last year
because of an upside-down number?
A LEGEND WOULD. Stang is a LEGEND for having put together the SubGeniuses
of the World into one enclosed space. And perhaps I am to become Legend as
well. For to BE the ONE WHO SAVED XX-DAY FOR EVERYONE, for to be the one
whom Legume said "had gone too far.", for to have the balls to actually
GIVE Stang $1,000 CASH just to prove once and for all that Bob-Damnit I AM
A SUBGENIUS! Dammit, I deserve to become a LEGEND! WE ALL DESERVE TO
Except for Papa Joe Mama. That's Legendary STUPIDITY! I'll admit to doing
MY share of "stupid shit" that sullied the slack of everyone at one time
or another. BUT DAMN PAPA, WHAT YOU DID TOOK THE FUCKING CAKE! You're
supposed to HYPNOTIZE the pinks, get them drooling with ENVY at what you
want to tell them. Not fucking TERRIFYING them into a frenzy of hate
against the church. I should call NPR now just to ask them, "How could NPR
fall for an unbelieveably stupid joke like the 'Holocaustals'?"
But knowing how dangerous that is, maybe I should heed the advice of
Friday praying to herself as she reads this, "Oh god, DON'T call NPR!
PLEASE DON'T CALL NPR, LOCNAR!" Yes, THANK YOU Friday for saving me also
from a Papa Joe Mama sized mistake with "Whitney Houston's Cocaine
Nightmare" as the name for a Doktorband.
It seemed a neat idea to interest the pinks with making them think they
would be seeing Whitney Houston but not know that there was a Cocaine
Nightmare attached to the end.
BUT THANK YOU FRIDAY for letting me SEE how STUPID that fucking idea is.
Kentucky Fried Humans is still kinda borderline, but like you said, if we
make it a clear parody, not too much like the REAL Kentucky Fried Humans
logo. "Kentucky Fried Humans - We do chicken, right?" (Thanks Angela, that
idea was so BRILLIANT! :)
So I went too far giving to Stang. So I went too far fropping. So I went
too far in obsessing about "the film project". So I went to far about new
bumper stickers. So I went to far and had a sunburn rupture. So I went to
far with my costume at the Prom. So I went too far by hearing Stang say in
his own words, "Locnar just passed his Rock and Stick test with FLYING
But now I got new respect from everyone. Legume knows I am a changed
person. You think I'd be stupid enough to do the Pond WITHOUT ACID? Hell
no, if I was SOBER, I'd probably chicken out. If Governess and First Lady
of Sports Land Christina Bucket could WALK THE POND, then I COULD WALK THE
POND! Rock and Stick! BY DOBBS, I DO deserve to take Christina Bucket's
hand in short duration marriage!
But THIS time, I'll REMEMBER THE FUCKING FROP!
I've had a lot of time test driving the new highways of our new "Earth" to
do some serious thinking of how I will now have to get OFF my ass and
actually try to HELP this Church. I've had Bumper Sticker ideas run
through my head left and right. According to Popess Lillith, I now have
ONE YEAR to make the Film Project WORK!
Okay then. Strap yourselves in, brothers and sisters. THIS holodeck ain't
got no "mortality failsafe". I've seen dead dogs and cats and raccoons
today that litter the highways of Sports Land and now go "Oh look, they
ruptured!" instead of feeling "sorry that fido or kitty had to go".
Oh, you'll STILL have to work for the Conspiracy, but you'll now have two
new weapons to fight them with. Rock and Stick. You can either ROCK IT TO
THE CONSPIRACY! ("Hello, Mr. Pink Boss-man sir. I'm your WORST FUCKING
NIGHTMARE MOTHERFUCKERS! You'll ALWAYS have ME ready and willing to work
for YOU! You'll NEVER BE RID OF ME, MR. PINK BOSS-MAN SIR, ISN'T THAT NICE
TO KNOW? I JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD LET YOU KNOW THAT!")
Or you can just stick it to the conspiracy. Either way, YOU WIN!
When I got my membership INTO this church, I got it cause it was STILL
only $20 in 1994 and BOB GAVE ME THE MONEY TO JOIN! THEN, right after I
"slide in under the gun", the price is up to $30. Maybe the price of
sainthood should be raised from the meager $1,000 to the NEW LEVEL I have
set. By Dobbs, if they wanna BE like me, they gotta pay as much as I DID!
You really WILL pay to know what you REALLY THINK!
But by NEXT YEAR, with a little luck and getting the Film Project going
full steam, we'll be FLYING INTO NEXT YEAR AND FLYING OUT AGAIN! PRAISE
THE FILM PROJECT!
Except this time, WE stay in the hotels and motels in town and let our
ACTORS AND ACTRESSES WHO WILL PLAY US TO STAY INSIDE THOSE DAMN TENTS, so
that they might know what WE have to go through!
Remember, in the end, all your left with is ROCK and STICK!
Randolph S. Vance
Locnar@Iglou.com (Macintosh Eudora Mail)
QUOTE - "I'll watch some TV, it'll help me to RELAX!" - Ren Hoek
Back to document index
Original file name: Last year I was an asshole,Š
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.