The New Ones


© 1999 by the IrReverend Friday Jones




I was born here.

Here is a big place, and there are lots of different things to see all the time. Everything is so different that even if you go ten steps there will be something new all the time. Sometimes there are big places full of trees and grass and flowers and sometimes places that are full of hats or books or bugs or almost anything. There is even an empty place where there is nothing, so much nothing that you can walk around on it and jump on it. My friends all live here. Most of them are bigger than me but some are smaller and some of them are one size and then another size. They're funny. They like me.

One of my friends is called Ivan. He is very nice and he is always happy and he has neat white patches in his hair. He lives in a place with lots of pretty girls and they don't wear any clothes. The girls are always happy and smiling and they do lots of fun things with Ivan. Ivan makes smoke come out of his mouth sometimes! It is funny. Another friend of mine is Fridays. I call her Fridays instead of Friday because there is more than one of her but they all look like her. Some are angry but most of them are happy. Fridays says that the really angry Fridays stays alone in the dark and the cold and the quiet because she doesn't like anyone. That's OK. I don't want to meet the angry Fridays. I like the happy Fridays.

Fridays is very very pretty and has red hair. Sometimes when I am tired she carries me and I can put my head right on her chest and she doesn't mind. I love her and she says that when I grow up I can be her eleven-husband.
Fridays and me like to go around the place where I live which Friday says is a Pleasure Saucer. It doesn't seem to be flat or round, though; it goes on and on in all different ways. No matter where you go, though, you can always just think about food or a bed or whatever you want and it will come. So even if you can't find where you started you can always be in a nice place.

Fridays and Ivan and all of their friends are SubGenies. They came from a terrible place called Earth, which was ruled by the Conmonster. The Conmonster is like a big horrible monster with a million heads but no brains, and it is pink all over. All of the SubGenies had to do terrible things for the Con. Then the Pleasure Saucer came and took them all away and killed the Conmonster. I don't know if the saucer hit it or burned it but the Conmonster was killed dead.
There are many different kinds of places in the Saucer. There are places where eveything floats and places where everything is made of water, like ice but not frozen, it wobbles and squishes but doesn't make you wet, and other places where everything that was white turns black and lots of funny things happen. Some places are a little bit scary but nothing really bad ever happens.

Once I was in a part of the Saucer that was scary and a man came towards me with knives growing out of his body all over. He said that he was going to hurt me but I just thought he should go away and he did. There are some VERY beautiful ladies here called Sex Goddies. The Sex Goddies are so shiny and bright they look like stars out of the windows. They can fly or whatever they want to do, and anything you tell them to do they do. Fridays say that I will like the Sex Goddies better when I am older.

Fridays showed me a very funny thing today. We went to visit a SubGenius called Papa Joe, who always wears funny clothes. He looks mean but I do not think he is really mean. We went to a place where Papa Joe was looking at a big screen. On the screen there were these big green and grey monsters and they were eating people and tearing them up! I was a little scared but Fridays told me that they were not really people, they were Pinks, part of the Conmonster. Papa Joe was doing something to a machine and I asked Fridays what he was doing.
"Do you remember Hal's World?" Fridays said. And I remembered Hal, who used ink and paper to make pictures of all sorts of neat things and then they came alive and jumped off the paper and ran around, just like most pictures do. I wondered why Hal drew the pictures with his hands instead of just thinking them like I would do. But he was nice. Fridays said that Papa Joe was bringing art alive too. The art was called "Dinosaurs Attack." Dinosaurs were the big monsters. I wanted to see the Dinosaurs fight the Conmonster but they didn't so maybe it is really dead. When we were going away, Fridays put a little round green ball on the floor and then picked me up and ran away. I was watching as she ran and the little green ball turned into a huge green gooey wet thing like water, but all together and not running, and it went all over Papa Joe and the machine and the screen and he yelled but the green stuff was all over him and there wasn't any sound. It was funny.

I asked Fridays what the green stuff was and she said it was shampoo - Prell. Then she said it was just a joke she played on Papa Joe to make up for the time he turned her inside-out. I don't know why Fridays didn't like being turned inside-out. When I do it I feel all tickled but maybe it is different when you are big.

I almost forgot the most important person in the whole Pleasure Saucer who is "Bob." "Bob" is very big and strong and he always smokes a Pipe, which is like a spoon in his mouth that has a little hot fire in it. Everyone loves "Bob" and he loves them too. He is always smiling. He gives me candy when he sees me.
The SubGenies say that "Bob" is the one who brought the Saucer and saved them all from the Conmonster.

Everyone loves "Bob," and I love him MOST OF ALL. Because he is my DAD.

- Doug Ryder Dobbs

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animated illo by Dr. Lizzardo