-- "SubGenius 101"/"INVOLUNTARY SLACK"
"All the boy-goo talk makes me crave my favorite SubGenius..."
-- Sarah Vowell, CHICAGO READER
(VIDEO #1 and AUDIO #1 START)
Open your hearts, close your minds, unzip your wallets and BEND OVER, because here comes "BOB" !
PRAISE "BOB!" GOD DAMN IT YOU MAGGOTS, SOUND OFF LIKE YA GOT A PAIR! PRAISE GOD DAMN "BOB" DAMN DOBBS! Or fuck "Bob." You could fuck "Bob" instead. He don't care.
How many CHRISTIANS do we have in the audience tonight, raise your hands. I didn't think so. How many PROUD ANTI-NORMAL WEIRDOS? How many REAL DRUG ADDICTS?
The fundamentalist FUCK-HEADS all think there should be more RELIGION in this country.
Well, have we got a religion for them!!
The Church of the SubGenius --God's Answer to Fundamentalists
ETERNAL SALVATION - OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK
This religion has ONE RULE and ONE RULE ONLY and that is,
"FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE." Words to live by.
It has one sin and one sin only and that is the sin of serving the Conspiracy of the FUCKING NORMAL PEOPLE. Well, 2 sins, the sin of not sending your $30 to Dobbs. Actually... there's 365 sins that we KNOW of, but we're looking for more.
We've gone WAY BEYOND SATANISM. "Bob" Dobbs can out-tempt the Devil. Where you go after messin' with the Devil, he don't care.
(PULL OUT CLOCK or watch AND SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT)
Amongst us in this holy place are just a few too many HALF-ASSED TRENDY NORMAL HUMANS, DISGUISED as mutants and weirdos. People that spent $120 on a haircut that's supposed to prove they don't care how they LOOK. We must CLEANSE this foul place of the STENCH of Normality and Trend-butt-kissing. We must PURIFY this pit of Pinkness for the SWEET DELICATE MAGIC of (BAND NAME HERE), that lovely ballet troup and string quartet.
(BURN a FISTFUL of CASH)
As long as the smoke from these dollar bills is still risin' up to Heaven, the INVISIBLE ALIEN MONSTERS ABOVE KNOW there's still SOMETHING left on earth worth saving.
You may ask, WHO'S THE FUCKING PIPE GUY?
This man "Bob" is the world's first disposable SHORT DURATION PERSONAL SAVIOR.
He ain't gonna DIE for your sins. He doesn't give a SHIT about your sins. He ain't gonna forgive you because you didn't do anything you had to be forgiven FOR.
"Bob" COMES ... he comes again and again, to JUSTIFY your sins! To RATIONALIZE your sins! He brings not forgiveness but an EXCUSE!! FUCK your sins! Sin MORE! THIS MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE!! And you better SIN HARD, SirMaam!
He 's selling you... SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. Your money... is NOTHING. Now SLACK -- THAT'S something. That's something far more palpable and concrete than MONEY or FANCY CARS. The money and fast cars ring hollow without the Slack. Ask Elvis, or Marilyn, or Jimi. Or Howard Hughes. Or CHARLEY.
"BOB" teaches a doctrine of PURE UNADULTERATED SLACK. TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH!! DON'T JUST EAT THAT HAMBURGER, EAT THE HELL OUT OF IT!! The SubGenius MUST HAVE SLACK. WHAT MUST HE HAVE??? He must have Slack.
And what is Slack? Well "Bob" ain't gonna TELL you. You get to decide THAT yourself. Oh, but the CONSPIRACY will try to tell you what Slack is. BE THEIR GOOD WIDDLE CLOWN and you can have all the FALSE SLACK you want. Most people wouldn't know what Slack was if it crawled up their pants in the form of an evil snake. They think, Oh if I could get a RAISE, THEN I'd have Slack. Oh if I could be like WHITNEY HOUSTON then I'd have slack. If I could FUCK Whitney Houston then I'd have slack. For most of the world Slack is one decent meal.
(5 min -- CON footage starts)
(Bring out someone wearing suit and my SMILEY-monster mask )
These two beautiful little SubGenius children came up to me outside the Church the other day and asked me, "Rev. Stang, who do we hate?" Isn't that cute? And I said, We hate THEM -- THE OTHERS. THE ASSHOLES. THE PINK BOYS and FALSE PROFITS, the SHEEP in WOLF'S CLOTHING! THE BARBIES and KENS. The Mediocretins, the somnambulacs... the NORMALS ORDINARY HUMAN BEINGS. And worst of all our rival RELIGIOUS NUTS. You think they love God all that much? What they really LOVE is the idea of YOU going to HELL.
And those sweet little girls said, "Oh, "Bob" shall slay them all and reap their souls in his harvest on X-Day, Rev. Stang." Isn't that cute.
The normals, smug yuppies and poebucker Nuzis who are SEEMINGLY SHOPPING all around you in BLISSFULL IGNORANCE, actually form a VAST CONSPIRACY AGAINST YOU.
PINKS: BOVINE MINDLESS STEREOTYPES... YET THEY COULD DESTROY WORLD!!
THINK HOW BAD THINGS ARE NOW... THINK WHAT THEY'RE NOT TELLING YOU!
AMERICA is a CULT ... Talking you into WORKING yourself to death, HOW ANY DIFFERENT FROM JIM JONES, 900 PEOPLE?
FAMILY VALUES... WORRIED ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY. 9-5 JOBS...Mom, Dad,
LEGALIZE PORNOGRAPHY, and BAN WORK!
It's WAR!!! It's US vs. THEM.
This is THE VERY LAST DITCH BATTLE FOR THE MIND! The final RESISTANCE against creeping NORMALITY!!
Unfortunately, belief in some old man in the clouds or a big Disneyland in the hereafter WILL NOT protect you. That's all PURE GRADE D BULLSHIT.
GOD?? I DARE YOU TO KILL ME! If you're there, STRIKE ME DEAD WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING!!
WHO WILL SAVE YOU??
((10 min -- "BOB" FOOTAGE))
MOSES PARTED THE RED SEA, OPPENHEIMER SPLIT THE ATOM, BUT "BOB" CUT THE CRAP.
((Break off from Canned Stang Rant 101, yell to shut off video and music.))
Sometimes I get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say, "You fucked up. You're a FUCKIN' IDIOT. For 15 years you've been busting your ass for an anti-religion religion. And to make things worse it's also anti-art art and anti-science scienece. But that wasn't stupid enough. Just for the icing on the cake, it had to even be an anti-business business.
And look where it's got you. You look like a bum, you're broke, you're addicted to 'frop, you haven't held down a normal job in YEARS, you don't even have a TIE, you haven't exactly given your kids their choice of colleges, and your wife thinks you might be INSANE.
And some asshole was trying to say that Rev. Ivan Stang is not really a SubGenius..
DID YOU EVER HAVE "THE BLUES?" Have you ever felt TOTALLY SLACKLESS? Like everybody in the world was out to GET you, and they were all ASSHOLES? Well, if you HAVEN'T, then you probably are NOT a SubGenius.
Some of you came to this devival because you are DAMAGED and need Slack. Some, because everybody ELSE is damaged, and you need Slack. Either way, you kinda feel ALONE, and sometimes it's... hard. Cold and hard.
You ARE alone. We will NOT bullshit you about that. But we are not here to all be "alone together" like cutesy little new age Pink Boys in some NERD SUPPORT GROUP. NAY! Besides, do you really WANT companionship from a bunch of your fellow SubGenius yoyos ANYWAY? Chances are, you'd just as SOON be LEFT A FUCKING LONE anyway. You just want more OPTIONS.
And, you lucky bastard, that's just what "Bob" is good for.
YOU CAN BE ALONE... WITH "BOB."
Yes, you can be ALONE with "BOB." He's the only Personal Savior you CAN be alone with. All those other Personal Saviors, hell they're always breathin' down your neck, WATCHING you, "Did you SIN too much today? Are you gonna be able to pay the bills this month? Does everybody think you're cool? Did you remember to kiss my ass?"
With Dobbs, you don't have that problem, because "BOB" DOESN'T CARE. He could give a good golly gosh darn about you failures and your sins or even if you kiss his ass. He cares about your MONEY; but he ain't well enough connected to FORGIVE your sins, and even if he was, he doesn't consider your sins WORTH forgiving.
He will however JUSTIFY your sins! He will RATIONALIZE your sins! He brings not forgiveness but an EXCUSE!! FUCK your sins! Sin MORE! THIS MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE!!
Because late at night, when I look in the mirror AGAIN, I say to myself, "YES, I'm a fucking idiot, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, 15 years I've been busting my ass on an anti-religion religion, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, it's anti-art science and anti-science art, and anti-business business, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, I look like a bum, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, I'm addicted to 'frop, PRAISE "BOB!" NO, I haven't held down a normal job in years and don't have a tie, PRAISE "BOB"! NO, my kids don't need their minds destroyed by college any more than I did, because YES they can think for themselves, PRAISE "BOB"! and NO, I AM NOT INSANE, EVERYBODY ELSE IS, PRAISE FUCKIN' "BOB"!! FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!
And that's all there is to it. That is a TRUE THING.
Don't worry about being a FAILURE in the Conspiracy world. They WILL try to humiliate you but they LACK the sublime cosmic knowledge of the forbidden sciences, that the only thing that NEVER FAILS, IS failure. The only thing that NEVER WORKS, is PERFECTION. The only workable philosophy, the ONE RULE of the Church, is "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." You gotta stop blaming yourself for your failures, and get back to BLAMING THE CONSPIRACY. The CONSPIRACY tries to tell you that a failed experiment is BAD and that you're a LOSER if you aren't RICH YET and CUTE or SMART, and that it's somehow ABNORMAL and UNHEALTHY to be depressed, pessimistic, occasionally CONSUMED with HATE, BLUNDERING, and DESPERATELY seeking SLACK in STRANGE PLACES. Those are actually APPROPRIATE RESPONSES to a world that's SO FUCKED UP, that even the CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS starts to make sense by comparison. And man... THAT'S fucked UP!
The idea that it's NORMAL for everything to be all cheery and hunky-dory and slackful and lovey is a LIE. They ACT like it ALREADY IS, so that YOU'LL STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT THAT WAY, someday, in the far future or 1998, whichever comes first... 'cause that makes THEM look BAD. As the old bumper sticker says, "I'D RATHER BE KILLING OPTIMISTS." That way lies a life of QUIET DESPARATION.
We SubGenii choose to lead lives of EAR-SPLITTING desperation. We MUST HAVE SLACK, but we're getting force-fed a gross pablum of FALSE SLACK, we ARE being ripped off every day, and we are NOT going to sit back and be POLITE while we're getting FUCKED. When they won't let you have the kind of Slack you need, then HAVE they given you any CHOICE but to obtain SLACK THROUGH HATE?? The Christians and New Agers like to channel their false "LOVE". Well that's JUST FINE for them, since they comprise 95% of the OverPop. By the same token the SubGenius channels its TRUE HATE, tapping the pure HATE-FORCE of the Universe and transmute it from STUPIDITY into SLACK. Just like I have to transmute my mood from stupid to slack as the day wears on. Although Slack is the energy which powers the universe, it is equally true that invisible, seething, self-contained HATE PARTICLES comprise the MISSING MATTER of the universe, the hidden MASS for which quantum physicists still search.
Hate and failure are part of NATURE and must needs be UNSUSPECTED PATHS TO SLACK. The life of a SubGenius, marooned in a sea of humans, can be hard. You might think we Preachers of "Bob," we fishers of wallets have the most Slack-filled job in the world, next to "Bob"... but no, it ain't easy. We took on the job of PULLING GOD'S LEG -- and well, it's a BIG LEG my friend. A MIGHTY big leg to pull. I'm the first to admit, devoting your heart mind and soul to "Bob" won't solve all your problems. But it WILL help you BLOW THEM OFF. And sometimes, when they're bad enough, that comes FIRST.
Besides, you may not yet have any INKLING what Slack REALLY IS for YOU. Oh, you THINK you do. You think "Oh, if I had such and such then I'd have Slack. If she loved me I'd have Slack." And you actually start "WORKING TOO HARD FOR SLACK." You build up to an OBSESSED FEVER PITCH reaching for that gold ring of Slack... trying to smoke the pot of Slack at the end of the Rainbow... and you OD!! -- it BACKFIRES, snowballs out of control. It becomes "black" or "sullied" Slack, AntiSlack. And that's when "Bob" steps in and saves your ass. BY TOTALLY FUCKING UP YOUR PATHETIC INSIGNIFICANT DREAMS.
Not by answering your prayers. He didn't pay any ATTENTION to your prayers. He just makes everything BREAK DOWN. Not DELIBERATELY -- that's just what happens around him. Suddenly there's this WHOLE STRING of TERRIBLE BREAKDOWNS and DISASTERS and your CHERISHED PLAN is SHOT TO HELL. And you can do NOTHING, not a GOD DAMNED THING, your HANDS ARE TIED, and... best of all... it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You look down and there's that treadmill you've been on, broken down and SMOKING. For NOTHING. And slowly the Grin of "Bob" creeps over your face.
For at that moment "Bob" has enlightened you! And you think, "PRAISE BOB!!! Everything went TOTALLY all to shit in the VERY NICK OF TIME! Now I can RELAX! In fact I HAVE TO! I believe I'll go see a movie! And, funny, now that I've calmed down, I seem to see the INCREDIBLY SIMPLE SOLUTION to that SEEMINGLY INSURMOUNTABLE PROBLEM. It was right in front of my dumb-ass face the WHOLE TIME! Why, that glass wasn't HALF EMPTY at ALL -- it was HALF FULL and besides, I was looking at SOMEBODY ELSE'S GLASS! I have been DELIVERED SLACK FROM WHENCE I LEAST EXPECTED IT!! PRAISE HIS SWEET NAME!"
The is the newly revealed doctrine of INVOLUNTARY SLACK. Just when life looks intolerable, INVOLUNTARY SLACK may be your deliverance. Oh, it might not be the kind of Slack you had in MIND. It might even be FORCED Slack -- shoved down your craw against your will for your OWN GOOD by "BOB" -- but yet, it is true Slack all the same. Maybe it comes up behind you and whups you upside the back of the head, like a mugger, but if that snaps you out of your treadmill of False Slack, then by Gobbs you better be thankful for it. INVOLUNTARY SLACK.
Because you can't know what Slack is until you GOT it, nor can you SHARE it, or INVEST it rather. YOUR SLACK COMES FIRST. Just remember, it may not be what the Conspiracy, or The Church of the SubGenius, made you THINK it was. THAT'S between you and "Bob."
Dobbs said, You'll pay to know what you really think. We will sell you the knowledge of what you really believe.
And I'll tell you what I believe. I believe I'm gonna get offstage and have me a damn fropstick just as soon as I can!
((Start music and video again))
Let's face it. Society is breaking down. The world as we know it has been PINKING OUT on BORROWED TIME. The warranty on this planet RUNS OUT on July 5, 1998. Earth is DOOMED. Only J R "BOB" DOBBS has the EXTENDED SERVICE POLICY.
((Continue with Canned Stang Rant, "Bob" section))
"BOB" was once a humble salesman.
He could sell ice to eskimos, hypocricy to Christians and Hate to a SubGenius.
That led him into religion and he founded this DO-IT-YOURSELF DISORGANIZED RELIGION FOR NON-JOINERS. SINNERS, MUTANTS, MISFITS, DISBELIEVERS, and THOSE WHO'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING, in 1953, not on a rock, but on a shifting, sandy beach of HYPOCRICY, when he discovered that there was a CONSPIRACY of NORMALS, STEALING AWAY the SLACK of ALL ABNORMALS.
And it's hard to get abnormals to band together. ALL SUBGENIUSES ARE DIFFERENT -- if any TWO or alike, ONE MUST DIE. Only thing we have in common is we have NOTHIN' in common with the Conspiracy of the Normals.
But we've been infiltrated. You see these silly ninnies, these BOBBIES STICKIN' TO THE TARBABY of Bob. All day long blabbering Praise Bob Slack Slack OK OK. An EMBARRASSMENT.
Oh, they got plenty of CHURCH, but they FORGOT "BOB"! Well, somebody SOMEBODY has to make the Church RICH.
Because to destroy, totally and utterly, THE CONCEPT OF MONEY... it's gonna TAKE money. A LOT of money.
See, "Bob" ain't no communist... he doesn't want everybody equally POOR. He wants everybody EQUALLY RICH -- but WITHOUT WORKING!!!
And that's where the Conspiracy FUCKS you. They've had their multiple tentacle dicks planted in your brain so long that they've got you thinking it's NATURAL to WORK for SLACK.
Now does that make sense?
"Bob" says to gain Slack you should surf the Luck Plane, and take PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.
You must PULL THE WOOL over your OWN eyes, and relax in the safety of your OWN delusions. The very fact that you are here tonight indicates that you are well down the path to enlightenment.
BOB isn't super-smart. He's SUB genius. He's for all intents and purposes UTTERLY MINDLESS actually. But he has Slack. He has a power the Pope would die for, the Power to FAIL! He's SUPER-fallible. He makes a million dollars every time he SCREWS UP! As "Bob" said, "I'd RATHER BE LUCKY THAN GOOD ANY DAY."
What good do BRAINS do you today, children? "Bob" sayeth, "IF YOU ACT LIKE A DUMB SHIT, THEY'LL TREAT YOU AS AN EQUAL."
It's not the INTELLIGENCE, it's SENSE that counts -- common sense, sense of humor, and DOLLARS AND CENTS.
((14 min -- CON footage))
Some say "Bob" is a JOKE. But if "Bob's" a JOKE, what do you call THE EVENING NEWS??
What do you call PLAIN REALITY??
We're already living in a bad sci fi world.
They've ALREADY rounded us up like cattle, herded us into forced slave labor camps, and replaced our names with urine test result numbers -
ONLY MOST OF US DIDN'T NOTICE, because at the end of the day they still let us clock out, go home to our cell blocks, and punch in again for a few minutes of 'quality time' with the spouse and kiddies, or the drugs and TV, or all four.
Elvis is dead... Jimi, Janis, Jim, John and G.G.... And Kurt... Oh, they made it to the K's. ... the Marlboro Man has cancer...
Rock and roll is a beer commercial, punk is a hairstyle.
All the starving people in the world want back what they think you took, but you're supposed to work like a dog just to keep what you probably only think you have. You can't even die legally!
You look around and wonder, "Is everyone really this shallow, stupid, ignorant and naive, or is it me? Have I become so twisted and warped that I alone feel this hatred?"
...and you realize, "YES! It is me, and yes, I am a mutant, and yes, the Pinks are all doomed and MOST OF ALL, I AM NOT ALONE !!"
Not even humans could fuck the world up this bad, by accident. It had to have been a CONSPIRACY.
Is it the people who assassinated JFK? Or the Satanists? Is it the Crashed UFOs conspiracy, or the flouride in the water?
The real Conspiracy, isn't one of those clever ones. It doesn't even know it's a conspiracy. It's confederacy of dunces.
It is MUCH BIGGER than gods and demons, Republicans and Democrats, or Mom and Dad.
OH, you say, I DON'T WORK FOR THE CON... but they've GOT YOU BY THE BALLS!
OH, NO CON HERE! I can FORGET the CONSPIRACY HERE... BUT THEY WON'T FORGET YOU!!
You'll marry some bland dependable entity and bear a brood of snot-faced drug-snorting BRATS who can't believe what a doddering DULLARD you are and can't wait to LEAVE or KILL you as you sit there, exhausted and trembling, sweating blood and staring at some mediocre TV show, pondering your brain-wrenching degree of DEBT, desperately trying to drink yourself into a stupor, wondering, "What the hell HAPPENED?"
((18 min. -- "BOB" CRAZINESS footage))
Well, BY ALL MEANS, GO AHEAD, pal. It's YOUR soul.
WE'RE getting pretty god damned sick of the shit, ourselves.
Christians drink the symbolic blood of their quitter-god at the altar, OUR Warrior-Priests demand the REAL thing! And guess whose blood it is THIS time!
The Conspiracy has hogged fascism for too long. We're taking it BACK - for the PEOPLE, where it belongs!
FASCISM FOR THE PEOPLE! FASCISM FOR THE INDIVIDUAL!
SNAP OUT OF IT and realize that there REALLY ARE billions of TORMENTED SOULS BURNING IN HELL, AND YOU'RE ONE OF 'EM!!
((19 min. -- HATE footage))
(Of course this is the TOP FLOOR... WHEN DEMONS try to TELL YOU, YOU THINK IT'S SATIRE)
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SODIUM PENTATHOL!!
EARTH IS HELL WITHOUT BOB
There's but ONE THING that prevents us from EVER SURRENDERING, our ONE SURE WEAPON: our HATE.
Our hate is like a self-fueling cold fusion reactor... the Conspiracy itself is the "plutonium" which fuels our HATE DYNAMOS.
After all, HATE is what MOST religions are REALLY ALL ABOUT. We just come out and ADMIT it.
We're not talking about your run of the mill, panty-waisted, limp-wristed little "hate" - "Oh, I just hate taxes!" "Oh, I just hate the President!" "I just hate my hairdo today!" "I hate my job!" - or, worst of all, "I hate MYSELF!" That's a diddly-fiddly, namby-pamby kind of hate.
Our hate is not wasted on individuals, or nations; such vessels are far too small to hold our hatred. They would BURST.
Ours is an all-consuming, all-encompassing, all-pervading hate! A RADIOACTIVE hate! A BURNING, SCOURING, ANNIHILATING HATE!!
You BECOME the hate...
Some think, "I just can't HATE PINKS... it's not their FAULT. "
What do you think you're going to do? UNDERSTAND your enemies to death?
No - you must hate them to death! DON'T LOSE YOUR WILL TO HATE!
Hate is your Die-Hard battery, but it must be kept charged!
((20 Min -- Jesus, then SEX footage))
As for you LOVING CHRISTIANS WHO WANT TO KILL US:
We're not so far apart!
You worship a dead guy on a stick, we worship a chopped-off head that gets hit with a stick.
((Bring out BLEEDING HEAD OF ARNOLD PALMER))
Jesus is just alright with me... but not the Vindictive Crybaby Busybody Schoolmarm Prig Jesus - the Fightin' Jesus!
"THE SLOPPY SECOND COMING" --THE JESUS THAT DIDN'T GET NAILED
HE WILL TEACH YOU Pornological ACUBEATING, TIME CONTROL and MEMORY EDITING
LEARN TO MASTURBATE - without going blind!
PERFORM ASTRAL SEX WITH ANYONE YOU MEET!
"It's not pornography, ma'am, it's EMPOWERMENT!"
LIVE WITH YOUR SINS!!
UNBUCKLING THE BIBLE BELT... DROPPING THEIR PANTS... PRIVATE DESIRES!
FULLY EXTENDED NUCLEAR FAMILY
Mass Marriage and copulation
so you can go out and FUCK after the show without worrying about God, Mom or AIDS.
TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH!
Don't just EAT that Hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!
But you better do it quick because
ALIENS WILL PUT US TO SLEEP LIKE COSMIC VETS.
((22 min. -- EOTW Footage))
THE END OF THE WORLD might not be aliens, heck, it could be boring -- like war, or nuclear accidents, or the greenhouse effect, or a comet, or ozone layer depletion, or drought, or epidemics, or typhoons and floods and tornadoes, or the New Ice Age, or the melting of the glaciers, or dust storms, or earthquakes, or falling radioactive space junk, or Third World barbarian terrorists with H-bombs in their luggage, or famine, or the mutant viruses, or insect invasion, or the contamination of the food chain, or the plutonium canisters rotting in the deep... or a hundred video channels clogged with the psychic silt of the Hollywood mind death delta!!
WHEN THAT HOT FLASH HITS... you'll say, IS THIS WHAT THEY MEAN BY THE CONSPIRACY?
SHIT will RAIN from SKY!!
YOU THINK JESUS HAD IT BAD??
THEY'LL MAKE YOU NAIL YOURSELF UP... WALLET
THEIR PAYCHECKS SHALL CRUMBLE... CONDOS SHALL FALL, rock albums will melt
But "Bob" has a BETTER End of the World in mind - for US. We like to call it, "The Practical Joke that WE Don't Stick Around For."
((24 min. -- ALIENS footage))
July 5th, 1998, at 7:00 am, the Chosen Ones, the High Unpredictables of the SubGenius Church under The Last "Bob", would be rewarded in that great RUPTURE - X-DAY, Ragnarok, the Eschaton, Judgment Day, the Last Call.
"UNKNOWN SIGNS WILL APPEAR IN THE HEAVENS"
((OVERMAN appears, strides around )
The "Men" from Planet X will come, and we faithful shall be LIFTED UP in Power an Glory to the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses, fleeing (but enjoying on TV) the cataclysms on earth while being TRANSFIGURED into OverMen and UberWomen, SUPERIOR MUTANTS who will lead a NEW RACE - the MASTER RACE, because it comes in ALL COLORS - to the Promised Land of Dimension X, the Pleasure Dimension of ETERNAL SLACK and CYTORSPASMIC OOZQUIRT.
We will have bestowed upon us the PRIVILEGE of carrying out "Bob's" wrath on a sick and sinning world.
"Bob" hath said, "Do unto them as they have done unto you."
The lucky ones will die QUICKLY; but the moron majority WON'T DIE at ALL!
Their flesh will consume away while they stand upon their feet, their eyes shall consume away behind their $100 sunglasses, and their swimming pools shall be filled with blood (2 Dobbs 3:10)
Thousands of Slackless Pinks shall surge through this ghastly carnage heap, smashing into each other in raging, mindless panic, grunting, shrieking and clubbing at each other, the Great Pyramid will crack in twain...
They'll suddenly be compelled to fornicate the way SubGenii always have - and, feel excruciating guilt!
Oh, yeah, they told you all about Babylon, Mother of Whores... but they didn't tell you how good lookin' she was, DID they?? No, they SKIPPED OVER that part!
Yes, our sadistic VENGEANCE shall be like a sweet to be savored, a treat to gloat over, as we voyage to our promised land beyond the stars.
Sounds good, huh? And believe it or not, it isn't even very expensive.
((26 min. -- "BOB", X-Day, Sex footage))
There really is a Heaven and you can buy your way in. YOU MUST BE SAVED - EVEN IF IT KILLS YOU!
JOIN THE CHURCH - AND MEET YOUR CLANDESTINY
"Building a New Heaven and a New Earth - On the Rubble of the Old"
WHAT IF U.S. BECAME THE KIND OF PLACE WHERE... WOULDN'T IT HAVE TO SEEM LIKE JOKE?
LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO OUR PREDECESSORS!
TURN IT AROUND! GIVE CON A BLACK EYE!
IF U.S. CANNOT SEE TRUTH, LET IT BE BLINDED!!!
WE AREN'T SO FORGIVING AS OUR CHRISTIAN BRETHREN
BOB SAVES THOSE WHO SAVE SELVES
TRIBULATIONS, SAUCERS, RUPTURE... But PROFITING FROM IT ALL,
WADING IN BLOOD OF BAPTISM OF FISTFACE OF BOB BURNING THROUGH THOSE TITANIUM STEEL FORT KNOX DOORS with the CLEANSING FIRE of his MIGHTY PIPE!!
((Whip out FLAMING SWORD)) ((27 min))
BURN AWAY THE HATE, THE RADIATION, THE FIRE
KEEP HATE BURNING!
REPENT! QUIT JOB! SLACK OFF!!- while you still know how!! TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
The Con has 50,000 NUKES -- yet we DARE TO FIGHT 'EM ANYWAY... Because it's ONLY THE CRAZY PEOPLE that are DUMB enough to stand up and FIGHT CITY HALL!
WE MAY BE BROKE... BUT WE CAN HATE 'EM! WE GOT BOB AND THEY AIN'T!
Today, the cover of this book is printed in red ink. Tomorrow, it will be printed in blood.
JOKE? The Church of the SUbGenius COULD be the GREATEST JOKE EVER TOLD... IF EARTH CAN MAKE IT TO PUNCHLINE!
USE their hate and fear, turn it around, use it to PUMP YOURSELF UP with MUTANT SELF-CONFIDENCE, and then FLAUNT YOUR ABNORMALITY in their pathetic, slack-jawed, uncomprehending faces. You can WAG YOUR WEIRDNESS right there in public.
I am a holy man and by the authority invested in me by J.R. "BOB" DObbs, YOU MAY NOW, AS OF THIS MOMENT, DO ANYTHING THE FUCK YOU WANT!!
(I don't practice what I preach...)
We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight on the land, we will fight them in the air, and we will not stop fighting until every record company executive, every MacDonald's manager, every rude clerk and every DUMB REDNECK COP and POLITICIAN is left staring into their own RIGHT eyeball until we yank their LEFT eyeball out too.
WILL YOU BE READY? Will you be ready to kill your neighbor, kill me, and then KILL "BOB"? TO FREE YOURSELVES FROM HIS UNHOLY GRIP ON YOUR MIND??
"BOB" WON'T not tell you what to do. YOU decide what to do. He will only tell you what to THINK. And you will PAY to know what you really think.
YOU CAN LEARN TO THINK FOR YOURSELF - BUT ONLY "BOB" CAN SHOW YOU HOW
"BOB" SOLD IT, I SMOKED IT, THAT SETTLES IT.
YOU MAY NOW PROCEED