Official Church Update 6/5/97

MegaFisTemple Lodge #3

Lodge #3.1 Opened

We're just about finished moving the mail order front to bigger quarters. We outgrew the 38 floor skyscraper, and now have a full 89 floors! What a bitch it was moving everything over, but with Rev Nickie and someone else on the whips, the bobbies completed the job in 3 days. I'm just glad we didn't have to move the Foundation itself. I don't think it would even be possible, as I don't know if we even have a complete map of the caverns anymore.

Don't worry, everything remains the same: toll free number, mailing address, fax number, etc.


Dallas Clench Meeting

The Dallas Clench will be meeting Fri the 13th at the IceHouse on Yale Blvd. I believe 7 PM to 10:30 will be the quiet, touchy-feely part; from 10:30 on will be the loud music, thrashing, and blood fest. I've also heard rumors of SubJeapordy. Get there on time, and match your wits against Rev. Nickie, Jesus Christ or even Rev. Stang. Let's find out who really puts the "Sub" in SubGenius. Oh yeah, and we plan to paint a giant Dobbshead on the bar wall; we are taking over! For more info: Email Pope Angus, High OverLord of the Dallas Clench Lodge #1 :

BTW: I believe the Dallas clench meeting will be every 2nd Fri of the month from now on, at the IceHouse.


Clench Registry

OK, all you Clench Leaders, listen up. We're going to get really real here. The Church is starting an Official Clench Registry. Here's how it works:

1. Have 4 ordained ministers

2. Meet at least once a month (even if it's just to watch the X-files)

3. Pick a President, Dictator, Supreme Worshipful Great one.

4. Name the Clench.

5. Send all info with $30 to the Father Church

What you get:
1. Official frameable Clench Certificate

2. Your Clench added to the Other Mutants List (In MUCH bigger headline print than unregistered ones!)

3. The honor of officially being named YourCity Clench #1 (assuming you're first)

4. Permission to charter other Clenches (a great money raiser!)

5. Other secret bonuses not yet thought up.

If this seems too restrictive and regulated for you, well.. I don't really care. But, I will give you these reasons why it's a good idea:

1. We want more money.

2. Organization is the key to world domination.

As a clench you are indeed more visible, but you can accomplish many more things. Like figuring out ways of getting the HOS in your town, putting on a devival, raising money, getting to the Drill. Furthermore, we need stable groups that are willing to help out at the X-Day Drill and Devivals.
In keeping with SubGenius dogma, YOU
DO NOT NEED TO REGISTER or send us money to be a Clench. Anyone who wants to be Clench IS a Clench. This is just a way of becoming official, in a way saying "Yes, "Bob" I will go down for you... or on you, depending on the situation and your mood."

Also you don't need 4 individuals to be a Clench, your family can be one, you and your cats can be one, you and your multiple personalities can be one (as long as you buy each of them a membership.)

"When the going gets weird the weird get organized"-- Saint Steve Jackson INWO

X Day Drill Ride Board

Praise the good Doktor Dynasor. The ride board is up, and you can check it for rides, or offer your services. It only provides you with the contacts, the rest is up to you. You can reach it directly at or email Dr D <> with your info.


SubG ListServe Sort of.

We're going to start an Email List of people who wish to have important messages injected directly into their email boxes. Mostly it will be these and Rev. Stang's updates. If you wish to be added to the list, send a message with the words ADD TO

OK, there's more, but I have several nymphs in the pool on top of this new building beckoning. Ahh, life is tough. Praise Fuckin' "Bob".


Rev. J.C. "Steve" Bevilacqua
Business Manager, Sleazy Promoter
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
Send $1.00 for more information on this fast growing cult! PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
Fax: (214)324-0993 Credit card orders 1(888)669-2323


The Lord is not joking or hallucinating about that swimming pool full of nymphs! It's really there.

About the Clench Registry. I think it's a great idea. Many SubGenii LOVE that "secret clubhouse" aspect and we should have more of it -- more decoder rings, secret handshakes, etc. I still believe that Dr. Drummond and I were CRAZY to broach that "Clench" idea in The Book of the SubGenius. That was NOT a Dobbs directive and we have since learned why. No two SubGenii can stand each other for more than an hour or two. True SubGenii ARE SIMPLY TOO DIFFERENT, except of course in the cases of true Yeti Mates, where the differences perfectly counterbalance each other. Thus, I expect that most of these Clenches will be Clenches more in name than in fact. But WHO CARES? The more to scare the Pinks with. And certainly, any excuse to get you to send more money to the Church is a GOOD THING.

This ListServe thing that the Lord is talking about is not ACTUALLY a majordomo/listserve type of set-up. It's just us mailing notices to a long string of "CC"s. HOWEVER, we should soon have the option of a new actual SubGenius listserve situation, a la the noble The SubGenius Digest. This would go along with our new domain, our new email domain names, etc. (That process is still dragging on for the simple reason that everybody involved has 18 jillion other things to do as well, and no crisis has FORCED us off SUNSite, YET.) I don't know that we NEED another SubGenius listserve thingie; there's already alt.slack and The SubGenius Digest. But the Digest folks sorta want to stay small, alt.slack being quite HUGE enough... I dunno. I just... don't know. I sure don't want to MODERATE nothin' and neither does Jesus, so if we do this thing it'll have to be low maintenence.

OTHER NEWS: Praise "Bob," it looks like I'm gonna have help organizing and updating The Websites of the Gods. A totally new, unknown-to-alt.slack Web Doktress/Spiderwoman may soon take TOTAL CONTROL over the linking of sites at SubSITE. Even if she turns out to be an evil infiltrator, it's sure to be better than what I've done, which is NOTHING since November.

Rev. WANDARER and Rev. DK JONES, having met in the limo at the Rutgers show recently, have been collaborating on the digitization of the soundtrack of ARISE. It looks like we'll be able to offer CD copies of DK's ARISE tracks plus, probably, Cleve's gospel songs, Abernathy and Fishmonger's Ballad of "Bob" Dobbs, and "JimBob Joycespeaks," a weird mix that DK and I did for somebody's EP.

Rev. Wandarer has uploaded a huge NEW MESS of .wavs and RealAudio clips to THE EARS OF "BOB" at SubSITE.

Alt.binaries.slack is a berserk maelstrom of SubGenius religious art (plus many technical experiments). I have been collecting the fruits of a.b.s. for culling and permanent mounting at SubSITE for some weeks now since the last gallery wing was added, and when I finally upload the 200 or so MEGABYTES and link it all in, well... well you'll stagger under the load just like me.

I am also very eager to whip up new pages utilizing all that new artwork, plus the stashes that I cop privately from pushers like LIES, Nenslo and Jones. But, along with my new policy of forgiveness, I have also adopted a new policy of BLOWING EVERYBODY ELSE OFF AND DOING WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO DO, which lately is fiddle with computer graphics programs. I repented, quit my job and slacked off. It's a GAS! You should try it.

Back to document index

Original file name: Official Update 6/6

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.