Saturday Night, at the "main stage", I was in the audience
having just been treated to an amazing improvsensational
rant by the amazing Dr Hieronymous Zinn, kicking back
wondering who was going to volunteer to preach next,
thankful that I was much too drunk to stumble up there and
scream obscenities at those who I had just met for the
first time. There was a typical lull while everyone
kind of looked around wondering who was going to go next.
A tall, skinny guy in a football jersey - number 666 - got
up from the back and ambled up to the stage. As he passed
my seat, I saw the back of the jersey was imprinted with
the name: PSYCH. No, I thought, couldn't be....
He reached for the microphone, let the Sub's in the audience
quiet down, then began: "Hello, I'm RevPsych."
You'll have to wait for the transcripts and the video
for the verbatim account. As far as I can accurately
recall, the speech and the following incident unfolded as
"Hello, I'm RevPsych. A lot of people thought I wouldn't
show up here. They were wrong."
"My notoriety seems to proceed me wherever I go. I am
up here for two reasons. First, I am a warrior for Slack.
People who never met me hate me - I am a SubGenius. I
refuse to let your lack create a rift in the family...whether
you see it or not. I DO THIS FOR LOVE, and you hate me."
"When X-DAY arrives, I will be at the steering wheel,
guiding my saucer like a cruise-missile. When X-DAY arrives,
the cards WILL be redistributed, and I will be there to deal
the new hand. YOU CAN BE THERE WITH ME! We can reshape the
world...but time is against us. We cannot do it alone, and
free help is the best kind. If you are only here for the
Money, then get behind me and sweep it up. If you are with
me in love (love for WHATEVER, even love for WAR) then stand
beside me. Because I could use your help. I came from nowhere
to seize the Slack I had coming, and I am working it for all
it is worth. I do it for love. Join me or don't. Either way
I win, 'cuz all I want is fun and knowledge. I don't demand
obedience, just fair and equal treatment based on personal
ability. Sometimes I have been a bit out of control."
By this point, audience members were murmuring, commenting
softly but not interrupting. RevPsych looked around, seeming
to look for someone, not finding him or her. It got VERY quiet.
"That is the second thing I came here to say. I have been a
bit out of control. Not that I care. Just that some of you
do. I have always been fair. But anyway, I was reading a
letter from Doktor Zachary Carlton before I left for the drill.
In that letter he talked about how I was wrong. He once hated
Stang, and thought that the Church was not being run well. He
asked me to reconsider. And I have. He was right."
"So I am here to apologize, and to explain. I look around here
and I see my Yeti Kin, the only family I will ever have.
Friends, I need to ask WHY? Because that's who I am. Novus
Ordo Seclorum - it's on every dollar bill - and you never bothered
to find out why. This Church should be FULL of people who ask WHY?
But it isn't."
"I look around and I see I was wrong. Wrong to let you judge me
without knowing me. Wrong to accept that you hate me based on
hearsay - none of you have ever MET me, yet you hate me."
At this point, Stang seemed unable to hold back. "FUCK YOU, PSYCH!"
he yelled. "You fuckin' RUINED the IRC, you fuckin' TRASHED Radar
Labs and then didn't have the grace OR THE BALLS to admit it. You
Suck! Just fuckin' LEAVE, NOW!."
Admittedly, it was not one of Stang's better rants. He was pretty
glazed by then, as were we all. Stang let him respond, tho.
"Come ON! This is just the kind of thing I mean. I mean, how
many of you have EVER been affected by me on the IRC. Shit, maybe
one or two. Shit, yeah, I flooded some screens. Big Fucking Deal.
Get over it. Get a life. That was like forever ago."
Psych paused a moment, seemed to remember that he was here humble
and contrite, here to end a war, not to start one.
"I'm sorry", he said. "If there is anyone out there who I fucked
with, who I had a little fun with, I'm sorry. I'm serious. I meant
it then, but I've re-thought a few things. I was wrong."
RevPsych paused again, looking into the audience. "If Kevan Smith
is out there, I'm sorry I flooded your channels. You know why I
did it tho. But I really am sorry. And NOT because I got kicked
out of EROLS. I'm sorry I messed with your show. I shouldn't have."
"I guess THAT's what I have to say. Alot of you hate me because I
messed up your IRC one night. You are SubGenii, as am I. WE, my
friends, WE have been through the same shit our whole lives.
Every class in school, every event, every friendship we have been
told to CONFORM - CONFORM, CONFORM, CONFORM. And when I see you
sitting there in judgement even though you never knew me, accepting
what other Sub's say, what Stang says about me without ever knowing...
I have made only two mistakes, and I apologized."
"I signed on to the IRC and got kicked. Not for DOING SHIT, just
'cuz of my reputation. I got kicked, I was REFUSED participation.
For no reason. I got mad. THIS Church exists as a sanctuary for
the Yeti, who have been reviled by the Humans throughout the ages.
THIS Church exists as a celebration of ABNORMALITY, where people
supposedly are ACCEPTED for their differences. THIS is the ONE
PLACE that YOU, my friends, should REFUSE to play the games of the
MereHumes, should THINK FOR YOURSELVES!"
"I know that there are others - hell probably MOST of you, or you
shouldn't be here - who have been an OUTSIDER all their lives.
Who the clicks of Normals would exclude FOR NO REASON except that
they were afraid of you, who saw you were DIFFERENT and acted
with fear and ignorance to EXCLUDE you. HOW did it feel, back in
kindergarten, when they wouldn't let you on EITHER team? HOW did
it feel back in Highschool when they ganged up on you after class?
HOW did it feel when you moved to a new town and people STILL
avoided you? You KNOW what I'm talking about. You've felt it all
your lives. That's why you joined the Church, I bet."
"I got mad. I was kicked just for showing up. Kevan and I had some
words, but Kevan had a right to those words; as I said, I was wrong
to flood him. But who else here has a right to hate me? You can
all understand what I felt - you've ALL felt unjustly excluded,
ostracized by EVERYONE just for EXISTING. I'm so sharp I scare
people, but I never scared the rest of you, who never knew me, only
HEARD THINGS. HERD THINGS! You need to WAKE UP and realize that
you have been suckered again, that YOU LET YOURSELF be suckered,
'cuz it doesn't matter - 'cuz it's just Psych, so I guess it's OK
if we exclude him - kinda cruel, but I can keep sleeping - the guy
was keeping me awake... well, that's the way it goes...Don't think
By this point, there was so much noise from the audience that I
could no longer hear what was being said. It sounded like RevPsych
was asking WHY? over and over - WHY do you act like the humans you
hate? Are you just repeating their mistakes, mimicing the way
they treated YOU? WHY? Do you feel superior, like THEM when you
pick on a non-normal? WHY? Are you PROUD of your opinions that you
got from others without finding the truth for yourself? WHY do you
sit there and hate me when THIS is just what it was like for YOU
throughout most of your lives? WHY do you accept the programming?
And so on in the same vein, as far as I could hear. People were
booing, hissing, one guy yelling "Fuck You" over and over.
Then someone, I think it was Jesus, yelled "CRUCIFY!". The crowd
took up the chant. Stang was beet red, screaming something that I
couldn't hear. "CRUCIFY!, CRUCIFY!, CRUCIFY!" It was so loud, and
I sat there silent and contemplative. My fellow Subs seemed
curiously HAPPY, shouting, gesturing - part of a mob at last! Some
threw plastic cups. RevPsych stood still, head shaking in disbelief.
"CRUCIFY! CRUCIFY!" Stang, his back to the stage, was calling out
into the darkness. Something that sounded like "Doom."
Legume stumbled in to the melee, approaching Stang. He leaned over
while Stang said something in his ear. He was obviously VERY drunk.
There was no needle stuck through his lip, but he was wearing his
vestments. He staggered away from Stang, ducking behind the stage.
RevPsych had started talking again, but I could not make out what was
said except for "WHY?" Someone was lighting and throwing lit
cigarettes. Others tossed their beers.
Legume re-appeared from behind the stage. With an aluminum baseball
bat. "Uh Oh", I thought. He staggered up on the stage. RevPsych
looked at him, still holding the microphone, and stood his ground.
The first swing missed by inches.
"Hey! Dammit, that wasn't FUNNY! Why are you doing this? What did I
EVER do to YOU??? WHY do you all hate me? You don't even know me!
You act like THEY taught you...."
He never finished that sentence.
The aluminum bat caught him in the side of the head with a *CLANG!*.
Psych went spinning against a wall, still on his feet but his eyes
swimming and unfocused. The sound of the impact was just like that
at the ballpark when a homerun is hit. I flinched just from the
thought of the impact, thinking that a thick skull would sure be
a blessing right now. I looked around at my fellow SubGenii, who
had stopped chanting. A brief cheer had gone up when the bell rang,
but they looked kind of doubtful now, a bit uneasy as the scene
continued to unfold. Legume was winding up again.
The last swing hit a totally unprotected RevPsych in the face. The
sound of the bat was quite muffled this time, but the sound of bones
breaking was clearly audible. The nose was shattered, and the
cheekbone and eye socket broken by the vicious strike. The left
eye was dangling, laying upon the collapsed cheek, looking at the
floor. Psych lay there, bloody.
I looked around at the audience. No one was talking.
Stang walked out to the center of the stage, kicked the microphone
that was still somehow clenched in the unconscious Psych's hand,
picked up the microphone, and yelled "YEEEEEEHAAAAAWWWW!!!!!"
Someone I didn't know dragged the prostrate Psych outside BY HIS FEET.
I guess they just laid him out in the grass outside the stage area,
then returned to hear the next preacher: Nenslo. The audience was
transfixed by the ranting, people got new beers. A guy bummed a
smoke. Over the next hour I sat and listened. I could see the feet
of Psych still and probably growing cold - it was a chilly night.
I got up once to piss, walking past the unmoving body. I swear I heard
a mumbled "WHY?"
When the show was over, and I was heading back to my tent, I realized
that the body was gone. I don't know if he somehow got up on his own.
I doubt it. I don't know who moved him, or where. Or if they hid
the body. I guess it will be on the tape.
Unless they dumped him somewhere and erased the taped evidence.
I guess we'll find out Monday.
Rev. Random the Other
From: Robert ' Zach ' Garland <firstname.lastname@example.org>
"Rev. Random the Other" said:
> "That is the second thing I came here to say. I have been a
> bit out of control. Not that I care. Just that some of you
> do. I have always been fair. But anyway, I was reading a
> letter from Doktor Zachary Carlton before I left for the drill.
> In that letter he talked about how I was wrong. He once hated
> Stang, and thought that the Church was not being run well. He
> asked me to reconsider. And I have. He was right."
I'm never right. I'm the Ultimate Bobbie, and people say I'm even wrong
about that. I still say burning me in effigy would have looked better
for the camera then hitting Psych in the head with a baseball bat.
If the police come, I was over eight states away. I know nothing about
this. I'll deny I know any of you, just as Peter denied Jesus at
Gethsemane. I'm a better liar than Peter ever was, the chicken shit.
AND BOBDAMMIT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT???
carlEton BOBDAMMIT! THERE'S AN 'E' IN THERE! I'm not named after the
brand of cigarettes. I'm named after a cute little town full of railroad
tracks in south Michigan. If I wanted to be named after cigarettes I'd
be Zachary Bensonandhedges.
And while I'm at it, it's not 'Zack'. It's with an 'H'! ZacH! Shit NO
ONE seems to ever get that right!
If you're going to include me in events I wasn't at, at least get the
name right. One more thing. Anyone who actually listens to what I have
to say deserves to have their head caved in. Myself included.
Why ask why?
God I feel so much better now.
Robert "Zach" Garland
All hail the original Dobbshead!
From: Modemac <email@example.com>
Rev. Random the Other <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
> sound of the bat was quite muffled this time, but the sound of bones
> breaking was clearly audible. The nose was shattered, and the
> cheekbone and eye socket broken by the vicious strike. The left
> eye was dangling, laying upon the collapsed cheek, looking at the
If this is so, then Psych must have been healed really quickly because
"RevPsych" was there on Sunday night IRC, as usual.
From: email@example.com (Rev. Random the Other)
So it's a cover-up then? I left early and didn't hear the
announcement. I guess I shouldn't have posted this until I cleared it
with the Dallas folks. Damn. Well, easy enough to fix:
"hey, this was a joke." THERE. Easy.
The easiest way to disguise the Truth is to make it a Joke, as
the Church has discovered. And visa-versa.
So who's playing RevPsych? And is the video already erased,
or can I still get a copy?
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