Oh my brothers and sisters and inbetweeners and outofyourminders and all points north, south, east, and west! Ah, I can sense the Slack in the room tonight. And that's a good thing, cause in these days, it's hard to keep your Slack. It's hard to keep your faith. It's hard to be an abnormal FUCK, because the Con's trying to bring you down, the Pinks are trying to bring you down, the whole WORLD is trying to bring out down and sometimes it seems like you just can't take it--like you just can't win. But you have a secret weapon, friends. A powerful weapon. The power of a SubGenius Ego.
When you walk into some Pink Establishment and release the mental locks on your ego, it WHIPS OUT VIOLENTLY, filling up the area, not unlike Roseanne Barr undoing a bra strap. And it rolls over every Pink ego out there. Oh, they can try to fight, but you know the Pink ego. Oh, it thinks it's better and proves it by bullying others. This fight is won before it's even started! The SubGenius Ego SUCKS IN those Pink egos and uses them for FUEL! For you have the POWER of the mind, you have the POWER of your ego, you have the POWER of Slack, you have the POWER of the Yeti, you have the POWER of the Ancients, you have the POWER of "Bob", you have the POWER...of your SELF!
And as you realize that, you realize that you do not need ANYTHING else and you become your OWN Short Duration Personal Savior! And that increases your power, and as your power increases, your savior increases, and as your savior increases, you increase, causing an INFINITE LOOP OF SLACK, sending Slack waves FLYING OUT from you, the Slack waves ROCKETING YOU FORWARD, STEAMROLLERING OVER EVERYTHING IN YOUR WAY and at that point you truly realize that YOU are the BULLET and "Bob" is the GUN and nothing you say or do is going to change that, so it is up to YOU to decide what kind of bullet you are going to be! Are you going to be a soft-leaded PEASHOOTER, a little .22 caliber BB, or are you going to shape yourself up to be a MAGNUM-JACKETED, TEFLON COATED, "COP-KILLING" SHAPED-CHARGED WARHEAD FOR "BOB"?!? The Rebel Gods will cheer as they watch their omnidimensional monitors, as your face SLAMS into Con! And you don't even have to DO anything! You're not the one pointing the gun or pulling the trigger!
Just let your Slack rise up and OOZE out of you, surrounding you with a STENCH, with a coating so STRONG that you can't walk by without people turning their heads because of the...the..."gawd, I...I dunno WHAT it is...it's just...it's just some...it's just...." IT'S SLACK, my friends! Let it FLOW AROUND YOU, WARMING you like the confines of a MAGNUM JACKET.
Pump up your powder; raise your caliber; FOCUS YOUR HATE! Hate the Con for what it is! Hate the Pinks for what THEY are! Hate your parents for making you the pathetic person you have been, will be, or are right now! Hate "Bob" for using you like the sheep you are! Hate ME for putting you in your place! And then hate YOURSELF for not hating ENOUGH! By slamming a lid of HATE down on the world, you can fly above it long enough to take that final shot right at the center of it and SHOOT TO KILL!!!
Make yourself unstoppable; slide right through their defenses, by DIVING INTO YOUR OWN DELUSIONS. Pull the wool over your own eyes! You ARE SUPERIOR TO THOSE PINK FUCKS, AND YOUR KIND *WILL* PREVAIL! It's all a joke and GUESS WHO'S SUPPYING THE PUNCHLINE IN TWO YEARS?!? When you throw yourself into your own delusions, you can slip through any armor!
Raise your Slack! Focus your Hate! Pull that wool! Don't just become HIGH caliber, BECOME *EX*-CALIBER! While others clatter off the Con's armor, you can fly through an air duct and take 'em out in the heart!
The hammer is cocked.
The chamber is loaded.
The finger is tensing.
IT IS YOUR MOVE.
Rev. Pee Kitty, of the Order Malkavian-Dobbsian X-Day Drill, 1996
Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
--> You can fight the Conspiracy of Normalcy and get back your Slack! --> Send $1 to Church of the SubGenius / PO Box 140306 / Dallas TX 75214 --> Or visit alt.slack or FTP to http://www.cris.com/~pkitty for info
"Why spend $30 or even $40 dollars for a filthy porno movie when you can jerk off all over the Church of the SubGenius for only $30 bucks!"
- (Pope) Rev. Godfather Gillan 
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Original file name: P-Kitty's rant
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